husband
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Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2003
Location: chicago IL
Posts: 38
husband
This is the hardest thing I have ever had to deal with. I have learned alot about alcoholism in the last month from a therapist and all of it scary. Husband thinks that if he doesn't drink or only has 1 or 2 on the train that he has it under control. I only wish he was sober enough to see himself last night. He became verbally and almost physically abusive towards me. I'm sure it didn't help that I got into it with him, but I just could't stand it. I guess there comes a time when I have to come out of my denial and realize that he isn't going to do anything to help himself, and I can't do it for him. It's such a waste. Why, why,why do they do this to themselves and their families? I don't know when I have ever felt so scared about everything. Just had to tell someone just how low I feel. Thanks for listening.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2003
Location: Utah
Posts: 330
A huge waste it is. I understand that. I still look back and cannot believe that my ex husband who was a loving husband, and would have done anything for his kids, turned into a druggie. We lost our marriage, our home, and now he does not even make an attempt to support or visit our 3 kids. He was never a saint, but he had a good man inside of him. Not any more. He is a sick deranged person who has lost sight of any and all things that used to be important to him. what a waste...... I feel for you. This disease robs people of so many things. My heart is with you.
LG
LG
Nature Girl
Join Date: Mar 2002
Location: By The Lake
Posts: 60,328
sadwife
I am sorry times are so bad for you right now. I'm sure you know that there is nothing you can do to change him, only he can do that when he is ready. But there are things that you can do to help yourself to live a happy healthy life again.
And if the situation threatens to become physically abusive, please have an emergency exit plan in place, even if you don't need to use it. Have some money and the car keys somewhere you can grab them fast and have a plan on where to go, even a shelter if need be.
Have you tried any Al-Anon meetings? If not, I promise you that you will meet wonderful people who all understand your situation because the too have been there. The 12-step program offers us a new freedon to live our lives for ourselves and helps us to let go of that which we do not own - others, their addictions and their recovery.
Please know that you are among friends here and that we are here to offer our support, encouragement, and love as well as some pretty broad shoulders to lean on.
I am sorry times are so bad for you right now. I'm sure you know that there is nothing you can do to change him, only he can do that when he is ready. But there are things that you can do to help yourself to live a happy healthy life again.
And if the situation threatens to become physically abusive, please have an emergency exit plan in place, even if you don't need to use it. Have some money and the car keys somewhere you can grab them fast and have a plan on where to go, even a shelter if need be.
Have you tried any Al-Anon meetings? If not, I promise you that you will meet wonderful people who all understand your situation because the too have been there. The 12-step program offers us a new freedon to live our lives for ourselves and helps us to let go of that which we do not own - others, their addictions and their recovery.
Please know that you are among friends here and that we are here to offer our support, encouragement, and love as well as some pretty broad shoulders to lean on.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2003
Location: dysfunction junction,nc
Posts: 381
We're sort of in the same boat here sadwife.
I can't offer too much advice as my own mind is spinning in circles here but I can offer you prayer and support.
I'm thinking of you today
2many
I can't offer too much advice as my own mind is spinning in circles here but I can offer you prayer and support.
I'm thinking of you today
2many
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Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2003
Location: chicago IL
Posts: 38
husband
Thank you for the support. It is nice to know that I can come here and let off steam. He came home again tonight having a few under his belt and I just couldn't keep my mouth shut. Told him he has to move out. That went over real well. He just ignored me. I finally shut up and went up stairs and cried. I need to get a life!Thanks again.
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Join Date: May 2003
Location: Southern Maryland
Posts: 169
Yes, you deserve a life!
Living with this crap tends to make us sooooo paralized. Get out around normal, healthy people who you can be yourself around. For me, it ended up being a women's group at a local church. After spending too much time alone with a non-functioning person (which is what all active alcoholics are) it's easy to forget how to function normally ourselves.
You've probably hear it before, but just incase, there are some good books that will help you. One is Melody Beatties "Codependent No More" another is "Getting Them Sober" by Toby Drews. Inspite of the title of the second book, both books focus on helping the non-alcholic regain sanity and practical tips on how to deal with a drunk.
Another thing that helped me was going to the Alcoholic's message board on this website. Reading some of the posts from folks who are trying to deal with their addictions opened my eyes. They'll readily admit that they were oblivious to how much pain they caused their families while drinking.
From our point of view, we keep yelling, and crying to get the A to look at how much pain we feel. But, they really are unable to truly understand our pain while they're still drinking. It's a HARD fact to swallow, but there it is.
Take time to figure out how you'd like your life to be, and start taking action to make it happen. Your A will either wake up and realize that he's missing out on life, or continue downhill into the pit. Either way, you will be okay.
You've probably hear it before, but just incase, there are some good books that will help you. One is Melody Beatties "Codependent No More" another is "Getting Them Sober" by Toby Drews. Inspite of the title of the second book, both books focus on helping the non-alcholic regain sanity and practical tips on how to deal with a drunk.
Another thing that helped me was going to the Alcoholic's message board on this website. Reading some of the posts from folks who are trying to deal with their addictions opened my eyes. They'll readily admit that they were oblivious to how much pain they caused their families while drinking.
From our point of view, we keep yelling, and crying to get the A to look at how much pain we feel. But, they really are unable to truly understand our pain while they're still drinking. It's a HARD fact to swallow, but there it is.
Take time to figure out how you'd like your life to be, and start taking action to make it happen. Your A will either wake up and realize that he's missing out on life, or continue downhill into the pit. Either way, you will be okay.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2002
Location: California
Posts: 329
Hello sadwife,
I wish I had a dollar for everytime I asked myself WHY? I would be very well off by now, or at least able to pay a few more bills. Over the years I have learned that yelling and screaming at them will never accomplish anything. It will just drain you of strength that you could use more productively.Use that strength to do things for yourself!! You can help YOU! He won't get help or stop drinking until he is ready and wants help. Keep coming here. This place has helped me so much.
Take care,
matters
I wish I had a dollar for everytime I asked myself WHY? I would be very well off by now, or at least able to pay a few more bills. Over the years I have learned that yelling and screaming at them will never accomplish anything. It will just drain you of strength that you could use more productively.Use that strength to do things for yourself!! You can help YOU! He won't get help or stop drinking until he is ready and wants help. Keep coming here. This place has helped me so much.
Take care,
matters
Member
Join Date: Jun 2003
Location: Ljubljana, Slovenia
Posts: 26
Hi sadwife
I remeber vividly the fights I had with my mom when she was drunk. I tried everything to make her stop drinking: I yelled, cursed, begged, reasoned, explained, I pleaded. Sometimes I was very calm and sometimes I lost it completely. But in the end effect everything revolved around my mom and her drinking. When our fights ended I was exhausted and felt terrible. She didn't even remebmber it the next day. It was so frustrating.
So when they told me in Al-Anon that it is best not to talk to (let alone fight with) an A when he/she is drunk it made sense. But it was very difficult to follow that advice. It took me a long time to figure out how long I could be in the same room with my mom drunk until I burst out with accusations. I often said in meetings that I just couldn't keep keep my mouth shut that I 'just had to say something'. So one time another Al-Anon member said: "Oh, OK so she should stop drinking, but you cannot even stop yourself from talking? Well who else can stop you if not you?" And she was absolutely right.
So later on in recovery I called my sponsor when I felt another 'attack' coming on and she calmly suggested that I go for a walk, or do something else for myself (wash my hair, make myself some tea) and I usually just hated her for saying that to me. I'd rather argue with my mom than do something for myself. It was much easier and required no effort on my part. And I was used to it. But I still listened to my sponsor and her simple words changed my life.
I am very thankful now for her words (she knew I hated going for walks, lol) because they did for me what I was unable to do for myself. I gradually found out that it is better to go for a walk than to argue because afterwards I felt much better and finally my world stopped revolving around my mom's drinking.
This spring I went to a meeting where another member shared about how she argues with her father and cannot stop herself from doing so and I suddenly realised that I hadn't argued with my mom for almost a year. I didn't even know i stopped it!!
So a month ago my mom moved. I guess God thought I had learnt my lesson lol.
Hope your life soon turns for the better as well sadwife. If I could do it, anyone can do it.
I strongly suggest Al-Anon meetings - we all need as much help and support as we can get.
Take care
Natasha
I remeber vividly the fights I had with my mom when she was drunk. I tried everything to make her stop drinking: I yelled, cursed, begged, reasoned, explained, I pleaded. Sometimes I was very calm and sometimes I lost it completely. But in the end effect everything revolved around my mom and her drinking. When our fights ended I was exhausted and felt terrible. She didn't even remebmber it the next day. It was so frustrating.
So when they told me in Al-Anon that it is best not to talk to (let alone fight with) an A when he/she is drunk it made sense. But it was very difficult to follow that advice. It took me a long time to figure out how long I could be in the same room with my mom drunk until I burst out with accusations. I often said in meetings that I just couldn't keep keep my mouth shut that I 'just had to say something'. So one time another Al-Anon member said: "Oh, OK so she should stop drinking, but you cannot even stop yourself from talking? Well who else can stop you if not you?" And she was absolutely right.
So later on in recovery I called my sponsor when I felt another 'attack' coming on and she calmly suggested that I go for a walk, or do something else for myself (wash my hair, make myself some tea) and I usually just hated her for saying that to me. I'd rather argue with my mom than do something for myself. It was much easier and required no effort on my part. And I was used to it. But I still listened to my sponsor and her simple words changed my life.
I am very thankful now for her words (she knew I hated going for walks, lol) because they did for me what I was unable to do for myself. I gradually found out that it is better to go for a walk than to argue because afterwards I felt much better and finally my world stopped revolving around my mom's drinking.
This spring I went to a meeting where another member shared about how she argues with her father and cannot stop herself from doing so and I suddenly realised that I hadn't argued with my mom for almost a year. I didn't even know i stopped it!!
So a month ago my mom moved. I guess God thought I had learnt my lesson lol.
Hope your life soon turns for the better as well sadwife. If I could do it, anyone can do it.
I strongly suggest Al-Anon meetings - we all need as much help and support as we can get.
Take care
Natasha
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Join Date: Jun 2003
Location: fresno Ca
Posts: 68
I feel your pain
sadwife,
I also have an AH and I tell you I am at the end of my rope. I have had increased panick attacks and migrains to boot. I don't think they see the pain they cause us. This is very upsetting to me. If the shoe were on the other foot they wouldn't put up with it. I have also told my AH that he needs to figure out his priorities because this marriage isn't fair to me if I am taking in all the stress. How conveniant that they never remember what was said but you do. I pray for you and please continue to post. There is alot of love and support here. I found this forum just this month and the amount of encouragement and understanding is fantastic.
lots of hugs to you
maryl
I also have an AH and I tell you I am at the end of my rope. I have had increased panick attacks and migrains to boot. I don't think they see the pain they cause us. This is very upsetting to me. If the shoe were on the other foot they wouldn't put up with it. I have also told my AH that he needs to figure out his priorities because this marriage isn't fair to me if I am taking in all the stress. How conveniant that they never remember what was said but you do. I pray for you and please continue to post. There is alot of love and support here. I found this forum just this month and the amount of encouragement and understanding is fantastic.
lots of hugs to you
maryl
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Join Date: May 2003
Location: walking down a happier trail
Posts: 50
So what would happen if the shoes was one the other foot?? What if I was the one that drank and was a dumba$$ all the time??? I wonder that alot... I dont really want to test it... (ICK!) but I still wonder how he would feel.... Would he be as disgusted as I am? Would he be as co-dependant as I am? and when I blamed him for my drinking what would he say? Some how I doubt we would be married long... I dont think that he would like it much at all... I do get a chuckle out of the thought of turning the tables even if I cant test the theory...
Member
Join Date: Feb 2003
Location: dysfunction junction,nc
Posts: 381
sadwife...
I too have a AH and whn he is drunk I play a game with myself. I get out a piece of paper and pretend to be writing a letter. All the while I'm just writing down his every move and everything he says to me. He has no idea what I'm doing. I even draw these funny little faces all over the place and to know he is clueless about the writngs on the paper makes me laugh inside. It keeps my mouth shut too.
lady,
You are too funny! I know my marriage would've ended before it ever got started. Can't figure out why we are soooooo gullible. Women are romantics and we feel like we can FIX the world. Unfortunately we can't so then we get stuck with Sh@# after the honeymoon is over!
sadwife, I'm glad you found this site. It has helped me through some of the most trying times. It has been a comfort to me when I thought I would lose my mind. Keep posting and vent away. It helps to get it out.
Thinking of all of you,
2many2count
I too have a AH and whn he is drunk I play a game with myself. I get out a piece of paper and pretend to be writing a letter. All the while I'm just writing down his every move and everything he says to me. He has no idea what I'm doing. I even draw these funny little faces all over the place and to know he is clueless about the writngs on the paper makes me laugh inside. It keeps my mouth shut too.
lady,
You are too funny! I know my marriage would've ended before it ever got started. Can't figure out why we are soooooo gullible. Women are romantics and we feel like we can FIX the world. Unfortunately we can't so then we get stuck with Sh@# after the honeymoon is over!
sadwife, I'm glad you found this site. It has helped me through some of the most trying times. It has been a comfort to me when I thought I would lose my mind. Keep posting and vent away. It helps to get it out.
Thinking of all of you,
2many2count
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Join Date: Jun 2003
Location: Connecticut
Posts: 5
Husband
I am a new person here and thought I should introduce myself here. My husband is the alcoholic in our family, his father was one too. I have been denying this fact for almost three years now. He would get drunk on weekends and act like a big child and I would take care of him. He drinks only a few beers during the week so all our friends kept telling me that he wasn't in trouble and that everyone has a few beers during the week after all. About once a year or so we would get into a large, cruel fight. (No physical violence). He can be so awful when he's drunk. His words often make me feel like I have been slapped.
This past Saturday was the breaking point. We were at a wedding, open bar of course, and he had way too much to drink. I didn't ask him for the keys because I didn't want to start a fight with him. As we were driving home, he picked a fight with me. He was screaming at me, swearing. I have never been so scared and it felt like if he wouldn't have been driving he would have pushed me or hit me. He was just so angry. We got home in one piece thank god. He went in our home and locked me out. I was so upset, I called me father to talk. What a mistake. My father got angry and now won't come to my house to visit me. Now my husband and my father are both angry and I am left out to dry. My husband and I talked again that night and he wants to seek help. He is angry at me for always denying he ever had a drinking problem. I think at this point I need help for me. I feel so very alone. Now that my husband is sober today, things are awkward between us. He feels ashamed and I just don't want to feel anymore. I know I don't want to divorce him. I love him so much. I love the sober him. So I have not gone to any Alanon meetings yet, looking into it but I am still so afraid to talk face to face. It's so hard to admit there are problems and then talk face to face without crying is too hard right now.
Thanks for listening
Liz
This past Saturday was the breaking point. We were at a wedding, open bar of course, and he had way too much to drink. I didn't ask him for the keys because I didn't want to start a fight with him. As we were driving home, he picked a fight with me. He was screaming at me, swearing. I have never been so scared and it felt like if he wouldn't have been driving he would have pushed me or hit me. He was just so angry. We got home in one piece thank god. He went in our home and locked me out. I was so upset, I called me father to talk. What a mistake. My father got angry and now won't come to my house to visit me. Now my husband and my father are both angry and I am left out to dry. My husband and I talked again that night and he wants to seek help. He is angry at me for always denying he ever had a drinking problem. I think at this point I need help for me. I feel so very alone. Now that my husband is sober today, things are awkward between us. He feels ashamed and I just don't want to feel anymore. I know I don't want to divorce him. I love him so much. I love the sober him. So I have not gone to any Alanon meetings yet, looking into it but I am still so afraid to talk face to face. It's so hard to admit there are problems and then talk face to face without crying is too hard right now.
Thanks for listening
Liz
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Join Date: Jun 2003
Location: fresno Ca
Posts: 68
Hang in there
Liz,
I just read your post and felt I had to write you. You sound so lost right now, I understand, I have been too. My husband has been gone for 3 days trying to figure out what " he wants". He is the alcoholic. This situation is a difficult one for everybody involved. I too speak with my father about my husbands issues but I am luck that he is a fair person and doesn't hold things I tell him against me or my AH.
I read that you are being blamed for not admitting his alcohol problem. So does he also blame you for him drinking? Regardless of what A's need someone to blame and unfortunately the one they blame are their partners. I f you are in denial you need to look into yourself and figure out why you do not want to admit to this problem. Sometimes it's easier to think it will all go away, but it doesn't. In my experience it only gets worse. Please keep reading these posts and try to gain more knowledge for yourself on this situation. Do you have kids? If so you have more people to worry about if not, your lucky. I have 2, they are a blessing but complicate the situation. I have an extra Al-anon book, if you would like for me to send it to you I would be happy to. It has great info you could benifit from. I will keep you in my prayers. And remember, God never throws you anything that you can't handle. Oh, And as far as your father, you should tell him you need his love & support at this time, you have enough on your plate without him being upset with you,
Lots & Lots Of Hugs
(((((((maryl ))))))))))
I just read your post and felt I had to write you. You sound so lost right now, I understand, I have been too. My husband has been gone for 3 days trying to figure out what " he wants". He is the alcoholic. This situation is a difficult one for everybody involved. I too speak with my father about my husbands issues but I am luck that he is a fair person and doesn't hold things I tell him against me or my AH.
I read that you are being blamed for not admitting his alcohol problem. So does he also blame you for him drinking? Regardless of what A's need someone to blame and unfortunately the one they blame are their partners. I f you are in denial you need to look into yourself and figure out why you do not want to admit to this problem. Sometimes it's easier to think it will all go away, but it doesn't. In my experience it only gets worse. Please keep reading these posts and try to gain more knowledge for yourself on this situation. Do you have kids? If so you have more people to worry about if not, your lucky. I have 2, they are a blessing but complicate the situation. I have an extra Al-anon book, if you would like for me to send it to you I would be happy to. It has great info you could benifit from. I will keep you in my prayers. And remember, God never throws you anything that you can't handle. Oh, And as far as your father, you should tell him you need his love & support at this time, you have enough on your plate without him being upset with you,
Lots & Lots Of Hugs
(((((((maryl ))))))))))
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Join Date: Jun 2003
Location: Connecticut
Posts: 5
Maryl,
Thank you for your kind words in reply to my post. I do feel guilty that for all these years I have never admitted to myself or my husband that he has a drinking problem. It goes deeper than that. He also has been chronically depressed off and on his whole life, he goes thru cycles. We have made it through for the past four years now. I never wanted to come out and say I thought his drinking was out of control. He went to his first AA meeting tonight. He seemed positive. How long will it last? Who knows. I am scared that once, or if, he gets totally sober he won't love me anymore. If he grows there is no telling if I can grow with him. This is a big fear of mine. I want to help him. But what if he decides he doesn't need or want me anymore once he fixes himself? I am so confused. Hopefully with the help and stories of everyone here, I can find my way. I still have hope .
Thanks
liz
Thank you for your kind words in reply to my post. I do feel guilty that for all these years I have never admitted to myself or my husband that he has a drinking problem. It goes deeper than that. He also has been chronically depressed off and on his whole life, he goes thru cycles. We have made it through for the past four years now. I never wanted to come out and say I thought his drinking was out of control. He went to his first AA meeting tonight. He seemed positive. How long will it last? Who knows. I am scared that once, or if, he gets totally sober he won't love me anymore. If he grows there is no telling if I can grow with him. This is a big fear of mine. I want to help him. But what if he decides he doesn't need or want me anymore once he fixes himself? I am so confused. Hopefully with the help and stories of everyone here, I can find my way. I still have hope .
Thanks
liz
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Join Date: Jun 2003
Location: fresno Ca
Posts: 68
A Big Hug to You Liz,
(((((((((( Liz)))))))))))))))),
I just read your post and I can feel your anxiety. I am learning to keep myself more involved with what interests me and change myself, gym and such. I can't change him but I can change myself. No matter what, you have gone 4 years of being his rock and it's hard to think of them standing on their own WITHOUT your help. we people who are known as enablers are used to being the care taker and when this job is taken away we tend to feel useless. This is not true, What we need to realize is that we deserve to take care of ourselves too. No One Else Will!!! We need to put the energy into ourselves more because we have been using it on our partners instead of ourselves.
I am guilty of this with my mother as well and am now learning that I can't be everything to everyone, and above all I am not being fair to myself or my kids.
Keep the faith hon and remember you are NOT alone!! My prayers and hugs go out to you.
maryl
I just read your post and I can feel your anxiety. I am learning to keep myself more involved with what interests me and change myself, gym and such. I can't change him but I can change myself. No matter what, you have gone 4 years of being his rock and it's hard to think of them standing on their own WITHOUT your help. we people who are known as enablers are used to being the care taker and when this job is taken away we tend to feel useless. This is not true, What we need to realize is that we deserve to take care of ourselves too. No One Else Will!!! We need to put the energy into ourselves more because we have been using it on our partners instead of ourselves.
I am guilty of this with my mother as well and am now learning that I can't be everything to everyone, and above all I am not being fair to myself or my kids.
Keep the faith hon and remember you are NOT alone!! My prayers and hugs go out to you.
maryl
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