Fell down and need help back up the steps!
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Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2003
Location: MO
Posts: 32
Fell down and need help back up the steps!
OK, I need you guys...........NOW!!! I was doing so well and now I feel right back where I started. I am back to step one. I am feeling so very alone and trying to not be consumed with the anger.
Things have continued to go down hill here. My oh-so-charming husband is right back in the thick of the drinking. This week alone has taken such a toll on me. First, he tells me we are going to be evicted because he can't pay rent. Mind you, he has a job...I do not. I only have child support coming in right now, and I pay all the bills and buy the groceries. So this is where the lies begin. I know he has made enought to pay rent, but I really think he doesn't want to. He has become less and less responsible lately. I used to be able to count on him for some things and now I can't even count on him to pay the rent. Money is a huge issue in our house. I have been out of a job for a year. Granted we are barely getting by but if he does what he has said he will we will make it. I have been heavy duty looking for a job for over 8 months now. He is always criticizing how I do it. Like its not enough of a blow to my ego. I have been on more interviews than I can count and still nothing. He has no idea how desperately I want a job. At least I wouldn't feel so trapped and could get some self esteem back. He only cares if I get a job so HE can buy himself "toys." Poor baby has a job and a family so he can't just go play. I guess he shouldn't have gotten married if all he wouldn't to do was play.
Speaking of playing. He went out with his 18-year-old nephew last night. Actually he called him to come get him then lied to me about that. Said he just came by to show off his new truck....same truck my husband saw last weekend. I knew when he got his wallet out of his truck before they left he was going out to "play." I'm sorry but what the hell is a 33-year-old doing hanging out with and 18-year-old. He was gone 3 and a half hours and came home sloppy drunk. Falling all over, and basicly just being an ass. Fortunately he didn't speak to me. I wanted to just scream at him....but, I didn't. I waited till he passed out and went downstairs. There he was in all his glory.....naked, spread eagled, passed out on the couch. All I could think was what a pathetic little man. I wish he could see himself as the drunk he is. Oh, yeah....pink nail polish came to mind.
Now the other night he got drunk, and passed out. This was not so bad because at least we didn't speak. Can't fight if you don't speak. Well, I am getting ready to go to sleep and I hear this strange noise like water. I get up to find out what it was...ok, you are not going to believe this. It was him......pissing in the middle of the front room floor! I screamed his name and after a few seconds he stopped. I just couldn't believe this! He was of course full from all the beer. He pissed all over the carpet and on my sons Playstation and games. I have one word for how I felt....DISGUSTED!!! I had to clean my sons stuff so he wouldn't find it that way in the morning, and hubby says he will clean the floor. His idea of cleaning....throw a towel on it. He proceeds to make excuses. How he was sleep walking...blah, blah, blah. B.S.....He was drunk! He is drugged up on bi-polar drugs, Zanex and the booze. How low does a drunk have to go before they see they have a problem??????????
He is a sick, sick person!!! Now, here's the tough part. I know I am too. I need help walking the steps again, because like I said I am back to the first one. I have been letting him manipulate me into arguments, and my tounge has turned back into a dagger. I am such a cruel B**CH! I don't want to be that person....period. And he doesn't deserve the energy I spend on him. I am just so fed up with the excuses and everything being my fault. Hell, this stupid fool can't even understand why I was mad he piseed all over! I am tired of being mad! I am tired of being mad that he doesn't want to change. PLEASE help me!!!!!! I really felt like I was making progress and finding some peace, and now I am upset again. Is this normal?
I am seeing a counselor and that is helping, but I don't think I can afford to see him anymore. Food for my son is a bigger priority right now, and like I said I can't count on hubby for anything. The Al-anon meetings here are just not very convient. I am going to try my best to get there next week. What can I do to get back on track? I know I didn't get this way overnight , and I know I'm not going to change overnight. I don't expect some magical solution. I just want to be better, and stop being so damn angry.
You guys mean so much to me! Thank you in advance for your wisdom.
HUGS
sunshine
Things have continued to go down hill here. My oh-so-charming husband is right back in the thick of the drinking. This week alone has taken such a toll on me. First, he tells me we are going to be evicted because he can't pay rent. Mind you, he has a job...I do not. I only have child support coming in right now, and I pay all the bills and buy the groceries. So this is where the lies begin. I know he has made enought to pay rent, but I really think he doesn't want to. He has become less and less responsible lately. I used to be able to count on him for some things and now I can't even count on him to pay the rent. Money is a huge issue in our house. I have been out of a job for a year. Granted we are barely getting by but if he does what he has said he will we will make it. I have been heavy duty looking for a job for over 8 months now. He is always criticizing how I do it. Like its not enough of a blow to my ego. I have been on more interviews than I can count and still nothing. He has no idea how desperately I want a job. At least I wouldn't feel so trapped and could get some self esteem back. He only cares if I get a job so HE can buy himself "toys." Poor baby has a job and a family so he can't just go play. I guess he shouldn't have gotten married if all he wouldn't to do was play.
Speaking of playing. He went out with his 18-year-old nephew last night. Actually he called him to come get him then lied to me about that. Said he just came by to show off his new truck....same truck my husband saw last weekend. I knew when he got his wallet out of his truck before they left he was going out to "play." I'm sorry but what the hell is a 33-year-old doing hanging out with and 18-year-old. He was gone 3 and a half hours and came home sloppy drunk. Falling all over, and basicly just being an ass. Fortunately he didn't speak to me. I wanted to just scream at him....but, I didn't. I waited till he passed out and went downstairs. There he was in all his glory.....naked, spread eagled, passed out on the couch. All I could think was what a pathetic little man. I wish he could see himself as the drunk he is. Oh, yeah....pink nail polish came to mind.
Now the other night he got drunk, and passed out. This was not so bad because at least we didn't speak. Can't fight if you don't speak. Well, I am getting ready to go to sleep and I hear this strange noise like water. I get up to find out what it was...ok, you are not going to believe this. It was him......pissing in the middle of the front room floor! I screamed his name and after a few seconds he stopped. I just couldn't believe this! He was of course full from all the beer. He pissed all over the carpet and on my sons Playstation and games. I have one word for how I felt....DISGUSTED!!! I had to clean my sons stuff so he wouldn't find it that way in the morning, and hubby says he will clean the floor. His idea of cleaning....throw a towel on it. He proceeds to make excuses. How he was sleep walking...blah, blah, blah. B.S.....He was drunk! He is drugged up on bi-polar drugs, Zanex and the booze. How low does a drunk have to go before they see they have a problem??????????
He is a sick, sick person!!! Now, here's the tough part. I know I am too. I need help walking the steps again, because like I said I am back to the first one. I have been letting him manipulate me into arguments, and my tounge has turned back into a dagger. I am such a cruel B**CH! I don't want to be that person....period. And he doesn't deserve the energy I spend on him. I am just so fed up with the excuses and everything being my fault. Hell, this stupid fool can't even understand why I was mad he piseed all over! I am tired of being mad! I am tired of being mad that he doesn't want to change. PLEASE help me!!!!!! I really felt like I was making progress and finding some peace, and now I am upset again. Is this normal?
I am seeing a counselor and that is helping, but I don't think I can afford to see him anymore. Food for my son is a bigger priority right now, and like I said I can't count on hubby for anything. The Al-anon meetings here are just not very convient. I am going to try my best to get there next week. What can I do to get back on track? I know I didn't get this way overnight , and I know I'm not going to change overnight. I don't expect some magical solution. I just want to be better, and stop being so damn angry.
You guys mean so much to me! Thank you in advance for your wisdom.
HUGS
sunshine
Member
Join Date: Mar 2003
Location: Utah
Posts: 330
Sunshine,
Well I am reading your post and I feel as though I am sitting in your living room watching him **** all over the floor! I am getting angry with you!!! LOL.... What a freakin mess! Well sweetie I feel for you. I was a bix mixer of alchohol and Xanax myself, but have taken some major steps to change my life, all though I never pissed on the floor! Let me back up and say I know both sides of the fence here in that I was an Alanon person before I was a member of the other side......
You know there came a point with my ex-husband that I just could not live with the way he acted while he was using. I progressed enough that I had drawn some boundaries and when he crossed them I enforced the consequenses. It just became too difficult to live with him. I wanted peace in my home. I wanted safety. I wanted him to work, which he neglected to do for one year! He and I are divorced a year now and he still has no job! I am truly glad that I left that situation. It would be different if it were a man who was so sick of being a drunk/addict that he was desperate to find a soulution, but he wasn't. He had a terrible attitude, resented me, turned and manipulated situations on me to the point I was literally going crazy! My doctor had me so drugged up on Xanax it wasn't even funny.... also this is where my addiction to those little buggers began. In any case, I did leave, and it was difficult but it proved to be the best thing I could have done for myself. My ex is active in his addiction, still not working, pays no support, and does not see our 3 kids. Who ever would have thought!
My telling you this is not saying for you to leave your husband. I would never tell you that, and only you know what is best for you. I just thought you might like to know that you are definitley not the only one out there with a crazy story like that. There is peace to be had in life with or without your AH. I do hope you can find it one way or the other. Make some decisions for yourself. Set some boundaries, even if they are small ones and stick to them. You will feel better just getting some control back over yourself and your situation. Being out of control and not able to watch what comes out of your own mouth is no fun. Covering for, cleaning up after, and putting up with an obnoxious drunk in life is no fun. Take care of yourself and the rest will fall into place. Get to a meeting and start your steps again. It is normal to fall off, it is toughest to get back on.... but it is worth it.
Many thoughts and prayers your way today!
LG
Well I am reading your post and I feel as though I am sitting in your living room watching him **** all over the floor! I am getting angry with you!!! LOL.... What a freakin mess! Well sweetie I feel for you. I was a bix mixer of alchohol and Xanax myself, but have taken some major steps to change my life, all though I never pissed on the floor! Let me back up and say I know both sides of the fence here in that I was an Alanon person before I was a member of the other side......
You know there came a point with my ex-husband that I just could not live with the way he acted while he was using. I progressed enough that I had drawn some boundaries and when he crossed them I enforced the consequenses. It just became too difficult to live with him. I wanted peace in my home. I wanted safety. I wanted him to work, which he neglected to do for one year! He and I are divorced a year now and he still has no job! I am truly glad that I left that situation. It would be different if it were a man who was so sick of being a drunk/addict that he was desperate to find a soulution, but he wasn't. He had a terrible attitude, resented me, turned and manipulated situations on me to the point I was literally going crazy! My doctor had me so drugged up on Xanax it wasn't even funny.... also this is where my addiction to those little buggers began. In any case, I did leave, and it was difficult but it proved to be the best thing I could have done for myself. My ex is active in his addiction, still not working, pays no support, and does not see our 3 kids. Who ever would have thought!
My telling you this is not saying for you to leave your husband. I would never tell you that, and only you know what is best for you. I just thought you might like to know that you are definitley not the only one out there with a crazy story like that. There is peace to be had in life with or without your AH. I do hope you can find it one way or the other. Make some decisions for yourself. Set some boundaries, even if they are small ones and stick to them. You will feel better just getting some control back over yourself and your situation. Being out of control and not able to watch what comes out of your own mouth is no fun. Covering for, cleaning up after, and putting up with an obnoxious drunk in life is no fun. Take care of yourself and the rest will fall into place. Get to a meeting and start your steps again. It is normal to fall off, it is toughest to get back on.... but it is worth it.
Many thoughts and prayers your way today!
LG
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Join Date: Dec 2002
Location: ohio
Posts: 322
Hey ((sunshine))
I started to write you what i consider my "words of wisdom" but, you know how to stay in the program and what to do !
You got mad, and thats okay. Now we pick ourselves up dust ourselves off and start again.
I have had to go back to step 1 a zillion times.We in alanon have been and may continue to be effected by someone else's drinking,so that brings us back to our powerlessness over alcohol.
That is the fact and God will continue to knock me in the head with it until I know that I know that i know it !!
but...look what they did. yep, they have a disease that effects others, i have diabetes but noone blames me because no one else is effected by me taking a shot. We blame them because we are effected.
sunshine , without knowing you i know you have made progress because you have had peace and you see the part you play. we didnt know those things before-it was all their fault !
Be kind and go easy on yourself and dive back into recovery !
love
liddy
I started to write you what i consider my "words of wisdom" but, you know how to stay in the program and what to do !
You got mad, and thats okay. Now we pick ourselves up dust ourselves off and start again.
I have had to go back to step 1 a zillion times.We in alanon have been and may continue to be effected by someone else's drinking,so that brings us back to our powerlessness over alcohol.
That is the fact and God will continue to knock me in the head with it until I know that I know that i know it !!
but...look what they did. yep, they have a disease that effects others, i have diabetes but noone blames me because no one else is effected by me taking a shot. We blame them because we are effected.
sunshine , without knowing you i know you have made progress because you have had peace and you see the part you play. we didnt know those things before-it was all their fault !
Be kind and go easy on yourself and dive back into recovery !
love
liddy
Member
Join Date: Jun 2003
Location: Minnesota
Posts: 407
Sunshine -
It is so hard to be dependent upon someone who is unreliable. It sounds like your job search has been very frustrating. Would you consider trying to find something part time for the time being until you are able to find full time work? It would help your self esteem and the longer you stay out of the job market the harder it is to re-enter it.
I'm even newer than you to this site so it is hard for me to offer much in the way of words of wisdom to help you emotionally like these wonderful people who have learned the Al Anon program and live it every day. My thoughts and prayers are with you and hope that you able to find a way to find some peace.
Jo
It is so hard to be dependent upon someone who is unreliable. It sounds like your job search has been very frustrating. Would you consider trying to find something part time for the time being until you are able to find full time work? It would help your self esteem and the longer you stay out of the job market the harder it is to re-enter it.
I'm even newer than you to this site so it is hard for me to offer much in the way of words of wisdom to help you emotionally like these wonderful people who have learned the Al Anon program and live it every day. My thoughts and prayers are with you and hope that you able to find a way to find some peace.
Jo
Member
Join Date: Feb 2003
Location: dysfunction junction,nc
Posts: 381
Sunshine,
As I read your post I began to put myself in your shoes. I have been exactly where you are. You need to do the very best you can do for yourself and stop worrying about how he is doing. I finally got to the point where I didn't make any excuses for him and clean up his mess. I let the children see him for what he was and it has always played a big part in helping him to figure out he has a problem. Now he admits it and doesn't deny it. I stopped depending on him and started depending on myself. As a young adult someone very wise told me never to put my faith in another human being. Put my faith in God. Never be totally dependent on someone else because they will let you down. All the above came true for me. I was let down. I was evicted, I was out of groceries a couple of times, I was out of diapers a few times. The Lights were turned off, etc....
I went out and found me a home party plan that I work now and I can work in the evenings. I make about 500.00 in a week. I work only 10 hours for that. I found a sitter that I can rely on to watch them for 2 hours in the evenings and I can still get my kids in bed before 9:30pm. I needed to be home during the day to keep the kids so I work when I want to.
Maybe that is an option for you. I don't know everything right now but I can tell you how I stopped depending on the husband for financial security.
You are in my thoughts. We sound so much alike!
Many Hugs,
2many
As I read your post I began to put myself in your shoes. I have been exactly where you are. You need to do the very best you can do for yourself and stop worrying about how he is doing. I finally got to the point where I didn't make any excuses for him and clean up his mess. I let the children see him for what he was and it has always played a big part in helping him to figure out he has a problem. Now he admits it and doesn't deny it. I stopped depending on him and started depending on myself. As a young adult someone very wise told me never to put my faith in another human being. Put my faith in God. Never be totally dependent on someone else because they will let you down. All the above came true for me. I was let down. I was evicted, I was out of groceries a couple of times, I was out of diapers a few times. The Lights were turned off, etc....
I went out and found me a home party plan that I work now and I can work in the evenings. I make about 500.00 in a week. I work only 10 hours for that. I found a sitter that I can rely on to watch them for 2 hours in the evenings and I can still get my kids in bed before 9:30pm. I needed to be home during the day to keep the kids so I work when I want to.
Maybe that is an option for you. I don't know everything right now but I can tell you how I stopped depending on the husband for financial security.
You are in my thoughts. We sound so much alike!
Many Hugs,
2many
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Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2003
Location: MO
Posts: 32
Thank-you ladies! Your words help more than you could know. Just letting some of this out to you really helped. I have been yelling and screaming at him lately, but that does nothing but start a huge fight and make me feel crappy. He refuses to take responsibility for ANYTHING! He either blames it on me or plays the poor me story. I've gone so far as to tell him if I am such a horrible b**ch why doesn't he just leave. Thats when he says he loves me. HA!
OK, just blew it again!!! A**HOLE came home!!! With beer, of course. I hate him!!!! I wish he would just go away. Now he's here getting drunk, chatting onj his puter, and I have to live in fear for the next few hours till he passes out. He is just in the mood to hurt me. No, I don't have anywhere to go.
I'm so trapped! I'm so mad at myself for getting into this siuation. I have no way out right now, and it's just killing me. All I need is a job so I can get the hell out of here. He is a pathetic drunk who will NEVER change! What the hell was I thinking marrying this person? I DERSERVE BETTER!!!!! I am so sick of hearing his fake "i love you's" and all the lies.
I keep talking to GOD and asking for some guidance. I know I deserve better than this. I know it was my choices that put me with this monster. Now I am trying to make choices to get away from him before he kills me, and I just need some help. This little man I have as a spouse enjoys terrorizing me. He feels all BIG and in control when he threatens me or hits me. How can I not be mad at this? How can I not be angry that another person could such joy out of hurting me? I'm trying not be on the pity potty but I am so frustarted. I just want him to go away and never see or speak to him again. I just don't care anymore!!!! He doesn't care about me or my son. He doesn't deserve any of my energy or even the tears I am crying right now. He will spend this weekend drunk and starting fights and telling me what a piece of crap I am.
Please...any help would be most appreicated. You guys are all I have now. I just don't know how to get through this one day at this point.
:cry3: sunshine
For you, my drunk cruel husband who can't even let me have privacy to deal with the hell of you....here's my gift.. :finger1:
Enjoy the post!
OK, just blew it again!!! A**HOLE came home!!! With beer, of course. I hate him!!!! I wish he would just go away. Now he's here getting drunk, chatting onj his puter, and I have to live in fear for the next few hours till he passes out. He is just in the mood to hurt me. No, I don't have anywhere to go.
I'm so trapped! I'm so mad at myself for getting into this siuation. I have no way out right now, and it's just killing me. All I need is a job so I can get the hell out of here. He is a pathetic drunk who will NEVER change! What the hell was I thinking marrying this person? I DERSERVE BETTER!!!!! I am so sick of hearing his fake "i love you's" and all the lies.
I keep talking to GOD and asking for some guidance. I know I deserve better than this. I know it was my choices that put me with this monster. Now I am trying to make choices to get away from him before he kills me, and I just need some help. This little man I have as a spouse enjoys terrorizing me. He feels all BIG and in control when he threatens me or hits me. How can I not be mad at this? How can I not be angry that another person could such joy out of hurting me? I'm trying not be on the pity potty but I am so frustarted. I just want him to go away and never see or speak to him again. I just don't care anymore!!!! He doesn't care about me or my son. He doesn't deserve any of my energy or even the tears I am crying right now. He will spend this weekend drunk and starting fights and telling me what a piece of crap I am.
Please...any help would be most appreicated. You guys are all I have now. I just don't know how to get through this one day at this point.
:cry3: sunshine
For you, my drunk cruel husband who can't even let me have privacy to deal with the hell of you....here's my gift.. :finger1:
Enjoy the post!
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Join Date: Jun 2003
Location: fresno Ca
Posts: 68
you need to move on
sunshine,
Honey, I am so sorry for all that you are going through. If you really feel that much disgust for him you should look into a program in your area that can offer some assistance. I realize you are not working but they may be able to open a door for you in that arena as well. God bless you and your baby.
lots of (((((hugs)))))) to the both of you,
maryl
Honey, I am so sorry for all that you are going through. If you really feel that much disgust for him you should look into a program in your area that can offer some assistance. I realize you are not working but they may be able to open a door for you in that arena as well. God bless you and your baby.
lots of (((((hugs)))))) to the both of you,
maryl
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