anamaria

My husband just returned from Mexico with about 300 small white pills (which I'm 99 % sure are pain killers) hidden inside a Vitamin C bottle...(pain killers have been his choice of drug, lately). I found them when I was putting his things away from his suitcase....there they were inside of some socks. We reside in Mexico but are in the states for 3 months for his business. My awareness of his drug problem evolved since we have lived in Mexico ~3 years ago (increased alcohol, cocaine, pain killers). He swears he doesn't use Coke anymore (b/c of the bad hangover), but I'm afraid now the pills are it.

My question: HOW DO I CONFRONT HIM. I never know how to ask without him being defensive and saying I'm nagging. I'm so afraid this time b/c I've never seen so many pills in my life. If I throw them away, talk to his parents (which I've done in the past), it'll outrage him....then I know I won't be able to get through to him. I need HIM to throw them away.

WHAT DO I DO? WHAT WOULD YOU DO?

Yesterdaysnumb

I personally start with

"Baby, I'm so proud that you've stopped using drugs. I think it really shows how much you care about us and yourself!"

(give him an opportunity to come clean)

(If he doesn't come clean within 24 hrs)

Act like you just found it and say,

"Hey! Wait a minute, I thought you were doing so well... what happened?"

Say it with compassion and understanding as opposed to accusatory. With that, it allows him to think you really care about his relapse as opposed to just feeling let down.

MsPINKAcres

Hi anamarie,

My Ah has a problem with alcohol and rx drugs - for him it doesn't matter whether I confront him or not - even if I have the evidence in my hands before him - he will deny it - say it's not his, he doesn't know what it is - blah, blah, blah - quack, quack, quack!
Like I have heard many times here before - if it walks like a duck, talks like a duck, looks like a duck - even if they try to say their an eagle - trust yourself - ITS A DUCK.

So here are some questions that I share with my fellow recovery friends when they are faced with this same situation - no right or wrong answers - just something to help you kinda know what your looking at and what YOUR options are -
1. What do you expect to gain by confronting him/her with the pills/booze?
2. Has he/she been dishonest with you in previous confrontations?
3. So could you believe anything he/she told you about the pills/booze this time?
4. Regardless of what he/she does with those substances, what can YOU do to take care of you in this situation?
attend an al-anon meeting, read recovery literature, keep posting on SR, call a trusted recovery friend, talk with your HP, meditate -
Sometimes we have to take care of ourselves and then we have a better perspective - we are more calm and better to make healthier decisions and have calmer, saner conversations with an active addict/alcoholic - Because we are sure of what we know and are firm in not letting ourselves be manipulated by their words, promises and best intentions - we can say we are ready to base our decisions on actions.

This is just what I am working on doing in my life - it is an every day process - sometimes I slip and have to start over the very next day - Progress not perfection.

Just remember - No matter what you & your HP are going to be ok - even better than OK.

Wishing you Serenity & Joy,
Rita

caileesnana

Flush em!

hello-kitty

Call him into the bathroom. Hold up the pills. Ask him what they are for. He'll deny and lie. So no matter what he says, you respond by flushing the pills. Draw a boundary. I don't want ANY pills or drugs in my house. If I find anymore I will <<<<insert your answer here>>>>. Then walk away.

laurie6781

Ain't gonna happen. You can flush them either in front of him or not, but it won't change anything.

You didn't CAUSE it,

You can't CONTROL it, and

You can't CURE it.

You are fighting a lost cause, until he CHOOSES to get help for HIS PROBLEM.

You can go to Alanon or get counseling to decide exactly what your boundaries are, then state your boundaries and the consequences to him. However, be prepared to follow through.

Alanon and/or counseling will help you to learn how to:

Say what you mean and mean what you say.

Unfortunately what you have described is a person with an addiction problem and until he is ready to give it up, no amount of confrontation, threats, pleading, throwing out his drugs or booze, will change anything, it will only make you crazy.

I am sorry to say you cannot fix him, however, you can take care of yourself.

Please continue to post, vent, rant, rave, scream, cry and sometimes even laugh here with us. We do care and we understand.

Love and hugs,

MsPINKAcres

Good Morning Anamarie,

Hope that you are doing better today and things are a little calmer with you.

Just wanted to let you know how wonderful the love & support of this program, SR and the interchange between others in recovery is so great in helping us in times of crisis.

Last nite after my f2f (face to face) meeting, a situation came up between my AH & I. One we have been discussing for almost a month and although he is listening to what I am saying - he doesn't "get" what I'm saying.

He was getting angry and trying to start a fight. And you know what in that moment I thought let my try to explain it to him again - maybe this time he will understand and my inner voice heard the words I had typed to you. those same questions.

And I knew no matter how many times I said it - He will never truly be able to understand my perspective, even if he really tries, he is an alcoholic/addict - his view is different than mine. I will probably truly never fully understand his thinking either. So why go over and over and over the same thing.

So I said to him "I know that you are trying, but I don't think you can understand my perspective and the reasons why - just as I have had to accept some things about you, I am asking you to accept this things from me."

Didn't really stop his anger - but at least it stopped the insanity of the arguement.

So, anamarie - YOU helped me last nite - Thank you and I pray that you continue your path of taking care of you and focusing on your own path of recovering from the affects of another person's drinking/using.

Wishing you Serenity & Joy,
Rita

best

I would flush them so I don't get a free trip home with handcuffs.
If I was visiting Mexico from the states... I would flush them even faster as my understanding is Mexico doesn't tolerate drugs and would have me in jail before I knew it, thus stop me from going home for a bit.
What he does is his problem. I would be protecting my own butt.