DESIGNER

Well for one it is raining pretty hard here right now and very cloudy out....think that has a lot to do with why I am feeling blue today. I am having one of those days where I just miss the xabf and need some encouragement. I think about the bad times and I know that it was not right but I am just so darn mad that the one that I fell in love with and I connected so deeply with has an alcohol problem.

It is so hard to not just be so mad about it. If only he did not have an addiction I would have been one of the lucky ones to find a great man to be with. I get so mad that something like alcohol has cheated me out of my happiness with him. I know that there may be others that come along but I just always thought that he was the one that I would be with for life. Gosh my anger with all of this is so bad today.

I have been pretending to be ok for the past month and I am so sick of pretending. I have read books, I have read on here, I have gone to church and nothing will take away this empty feeling inside of me.

I just want to hug him and cuddle with him. I want to sit on the couch and play with our dog and just talk. I want to call him when I just need some reassurance. I want him to walk through that door every night and just come and give me a hug and a kiss like he always used to. I want to end a phone conversation and here him say I love you....have a good day.

I am sorry to everyone that I have given advice to on hear to say that it gets easier with time. It does but not like I want it to. I am sorry for appearing so strong.....some days I am but today is just not one of them.

I know that I am not alone in feeling like this but I just want to wake up from this nightmare that I am having!!!! I know that it could be worse and that it is not the end of the world but I just want to be completely happy again.....I just miss him.

Shivaya

Designer, sorry you are having a bad day, dear.

Tomorrow will be better....no need to apologize for anything.....some days we are strong and confident.....and on other days meek and insecure....let yourself feel what you are feeling today....and hopefully tomorrow the sun will be shining for you (literally and figuratively).




Shivaya

miavin2

I relate...having one too...a few in a row...I remember once in early recovery we were doing an excersise...talking about if we could ask for and receive one thing we wanted...what would it be...

to stay clean

to be rich and have money

to be happy always ( like you said you wanted )

and this one little lady said..." Id want to NOT 'want' anymore"

interesting...because one might think that that would mean you were dead...or something...I mean we all "WANT" something at any given point in time...

But I must say that wanting to be happy all the time just does not seem too realistic to me...that would be heaven...or nirvana...or something like that...and that would probably mean that your spirit was somewhere besides earth...

Can you say to this person that you love them...and want to be with them...and that means they have to get sober too ? ...yes you run the risk of scaring them off or driving them away...but they may decide they want to be with you more than the addiction...anything is possible yes ?

another thing to consoder...do you want to be with your sobriety more than this person...I know it's sad hon...but thats what we have to keep in mind...cuz an addict will almost always...given time and duration...get us to use before we get them to STOP using....and YOUR sobriety has to stay on the TOP of the list.

miavin2-

NYC_Chick

Sorry you are having a bad day today. I'm having one too, so you're not alone. And it's even raining anc cloudy here like where you are!

Up/down, Up/down. I'm sick of it too. I want Friday back. Friday was a good day!

(((Designer)))

sailorjohn

DesertEyes posted this when I asked a similar question last night, I printed it and put it on the fridge. Hope you find it as helpful as I did.

http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...ain-stops.html

carolineb

Designer~

I could have written the SAME words......I'm having the EXACT type of day and doing a lot of self-loathing today. I piled it on by buying some things last week to add on to my pile of debt, when I know better.

I don't know what to say but that heartbreak, heartache.....just sucks. Missing someone you care about and loved is so very difficult. I don't have the right words except I understand.

LaTeeDa

Explore that empty feeling inside of you. Where does it come from? It took me a couple of years, and several months of therapy, but I discovered that I was the only one who could satisfy that "need." That empty hole inside of me. I spent the first 43 years of my life looking for that something or someone to fill it. But, no matter what or who was in my life, including two of the most beautiful children on earth, the empty spot was still there. It was an illusion to think that the right man, or the right job, or the right situation would make everything alright. It's been a very bumpy road to get here, and sometimes I wish I could have realized all this sooner, but I've finally gotten to the place where life is awesome. And it's not because of a relationship, material possessions, children, career, or anything else. It's because I finally have an honest, loving, respectful relationship with myself. And that's all I need, and all I really needed all along. I'm no longer starving for some unknown person or thing. I am completely satisfied and full. Now, anything else is like dessert!

L

lexusgirl

Hugs to you:ghughope that you're feeling better. I too feel the same way about xabf. I always thought we would be together so much longer and we were best friends...now only people that live in the same house and ignore one another...it's all very odd and uncomfortable.

I was just wondering, have you thought about counseling? It has helped me out so much. My therapist is wonderful, sometimes I don't know what I'd do without her. Just a thought..?

Lilyflower

((((((Designer)))))) sorry you feel this way today hunny. Try to keep your mind busy it really does help, also if you wanna cry then cry and get it out of you. You really will feel better soon, you told me I would, even if you didn't believe it and I do each day! Try to be honest with yourself when you remember him, it wasn't all so happy was it? Remember those kisses? Remember the small and sweet sickly taste of alcohol that they came with? Remeber the sudden irrational and out of context arguements that apparently you caused? When I remember P I know I do it through rose tinted glasses. Allow yourself to feel, and then remember you deserve more.

Sending you lots of love and blessings my friend,

Lily xxxxxxxxxxxx

DESIGNER

I think what made me feel this way is some news that I got from the xabf today. We had a roommate when we lived together. This roommate I thought was my friend. I had known him for 4 yrs, had worked with him for a little while and then finally lived with him for a short time. When the ex and I were having problems he could tell by my mood and would always ask if I were ok. I would open up to him at times and he always told me that by living with us he could see that our problems were caused mostly by the xabf's drinking.

Anyway I recieved a 100.00 cleaning bill for our carpets in the apartment the other day and there was one stain that was caused by our roommate that came to about 40.00. I knew that we would be charged for that and so I called the xabf up to tell him what was owed. He lives with our old roommate and he said that he needed money for that stain and he is refusing to pay that amount. He said that he had already paid 140.00 for the remaining months rent and the utilities......which we all did and that he refuses to give me anymore money.

He said that the only reason he paid the 140.00 is because he cares about the xabf and that he is his friend and it had nothing to do with wanting to help me out.

I just don't understand. We were always friends I thought. I confided in him and he understood me and said at one point that he feels like we are better friends then him and the x. Now the tables have turned and he does not care at all if he is screwing me out of money.

My exabf is very pissed at him for doing this to me and he said that if our roommate does not pay it he will.

I guess I just feel hurt right now. Just a year ago I was surrounded by people that I thought I could trust and now I feel like he is my enemy. I don't care to be friends with him I would just like him to be a good person and help pay for the mess that he made in his room.

I guess I need to realize that not everyone in this life will always do the right thing. It just sucks that that is the case.....he knew the hell I went through at times!!!!

Also just having to talk with the xabf is hard in itself. He told me that he misses me a lot and that he thinks about me all the time. I do still love him...no doubt about that and he does try to be a good person when alcohol is involved and that I guess is why I am so mad that alcohol took him away from me.

hbb

Hugs Designer! I know how those crappy days feel and it DOES get better. I was the same as you, giving advice and then the next day feeling sad and missing my exabf. We've all had those days. You should ABSOLUTELY still be giving your experience and sharing with us. You ARE a help to so many here i'm sure of it.

As for your exabf and if he wasn't an alcoholic. Those same words came from my mouth too. J quit drinking when we were together and I thought, WOW this was it, he was going to quit, we were going to have this wonderful life together.....WRONG!!! He was who he was regardless of drinking. Like Anvil said regarding making your ex drink, J had a choice to lie, cheat and so on. I used to blame alcohol....not anymore. This is who J is and it's not acceptable, nor do I want to live the rest of my life that way.

It's taken me a long time to finally get to the point of saying good luck to him, it will be a really tough and sad road for him but i DON'T want to go down that road.

You DO deserve better, you deserve someone that will love and respect you. Take care of yourself and keep offering advice here, your very caring and that's more appreciated that you probably know!

DESIGNER

I don't really just blame alcohol...I realize that it is his choice to continue but also having an addiction like that does change that person and it is something that I realize that is very hard to overcome. Change is scary and he has tried changing his ways many of times and always fails. He failed a lot and everytime would become so discouraged and upset. I know that there is help out there and quiting drinking is something that can be done....not impossible and it was his choice to leave me and not seek the help that he needs ......it just hurts.

What I saw in front of me was someone who drinks to feel comfortable in his skin. He always tried stopping with the best intentions but the hands of alcohol always seemed to pull him down again. I am sad for him. I think that overtime the alchohol just changes a persons mind.....a good hearted persons mind and the task to stop drinking seems impossible and they just give up. I don't look at the things he has done anymore as though he was trying to hurt me.....I truly believe that it was not.

Getting to that belief was a struggle. I always felt like the victim. NOt anymore....anymore I am just sad that something like alcohol can overtake such great people in this world.

redbear

Go do something for yourself today, hair cut, new do, ask a friend to go watch a movie you were dying to see...tomorrow will be better...take care

hbb

Yup. J drank to numb everything in his past that was too hard to handle sober. It is sad, that is a fact. I know that plain old sad day. I've had so many. And i do agree with you that alcohol definately alters the mind.

Designer hang in there, it's ok to feel sad, it's ok to feel whatever you are feeling at the moment. I went through so many stages and sometimes ended up from mad to sad again. It's a process and it certainly takes time to heal.

((()))

miavin2

anvilhead...we get disappointed when we have expectations huh...nice reminder for me today...so true... thanx for that.

and to designer...when you keep saying things like " he's not in my life anymore..." or "why cant we be together etc etc "

well it sounds like your still quite "together" talking on the phone...discussing $ and the 3rd room mate and all...all seems a bit messy & intermeshed and triangulated to me...can you do better with a clean break from all of it and all of them ? ...set them free...see if they come back ( sober) sort of a thing...just riffing thoughts...

peace to you...and to go back to what I 1rst said...take care of YOU and YOUR sobriety 1rst...everything thing else will work itself out.

Mv2:codiepolice

DESIGNER

Well we actually have only been in contact like 2 or 3 times this month and they were brief moments. We are just trying to wrap up all the money issues from the old apartment. If I had the money to just pay the remaining items I would have just so that I would have not have to deal with them but unfortunately I am not able to do that and I don't want my good credit to be affected by all of this.

If I could just get the remaining money I would have no contact with him.....even though he still wants to talk from time to time.

carolineb

Designer~

Thanks for this post today. You helped me just by posting it. Like I said earlier, I'm also having a sad, self-loathing day. I also realize on days like this that it's oftentimes other things going on in my life or not going my way....that make me turn to thoughts of xabf because I don't have him to lean on.

I went to bed for an hour.....very unlike me. Reading everyone's thoughts just makes me come to the one conclusion that I've always known and believed, but somedays lose track of....

you can't control other people, their thoughts or their actions. It just is what it is and I think someday you and I and everyone else who struggles with the ending of a relationship/alcoholism will look back and be thankful for the experience. It is in the valleys that we really do our best living and growing. In the end, it's all perfect.

Chin up girlfriend. Tomorrow is a new day and *uck that old roommate....apparently not as good a friend as you thought.

RosieM

Designer,
I have these dark and depressing times all the time still. That Oprah book, A New Earth, says you should ask yourself "How do I want to feel in this moment?" and that there's something called a pain body that seems almost like an alternate personality that lives in everyone and wants to be fed constantly. I'm exploring it all right now - but it helps me to identify those feelings as some other part of me and to kind of step aside from them and look at them in a detached way.

Then again, my drug of choice these days seems to be chocolate and it can cure any blues that might come knock me down - along with a hot bath and a nice cup of mint tea.

What Anvil said about breathing is very wise - when I get that messed-up blue feeling, sometimes if I just calm down and follow my breath and just be aware of everything around me, the tension and sadness recede a bit and I find myself again.

Here's hoping for better days for you - you certainly deserve them. R.

emack321

We all get down for who knows what reason. My favorite expression is:

"Have a bad 10 minutes. Don't have a bad day". As a cancer patient, I can tell you it's sometimes easier said than done. Just don't get down on yourself for being human.

Barbara52

Send your x the bill and let it go.