Stormy1119

I made it through week 1. I won't say it wasn't hard, but I did it. THis is the longest I've been sober in a long, long time.

I was able to stand up in the shower this morning, something I wasn't able to do last sunday morning. Monday and Tuesday I was still in sort of a post drunk fog. Even though my embarrassing binge didn't occur in public, it still feels like EVERYONE knew about. I had that feeling after a heavy binge. It feels like when I walk in a room, everyone is looking at me and thinking "look at the girl who can't handle her alcohol". I still haven't been able to check facebook and myspace. I have a tendency to msg people through there when I'm blacked out and tell them my issues with them. SO.. i'm sure I have a few less friends now.

One thing I've been having to deal with this week is WHY in the past 3 yrs has my mom NEVER tried to get me help, save for threatening to sell my car one time and put rehab. She lived with a drunk for many, many years. Both my birth parents (my mom is actually my paternal grandma -sheadopted me at birth) were druggies and have issues with alcohol. I know my birth mom is a full blown alkie, dn't really know about my birth dad, haven't seen or heard from him in year. Haven't seen or heard from my birth mom either, but she is still in the area and people who think we care keep us updated. Anyway, my mom lived with her husband (my grandad) for years and he was an alkie, once they divorced he cleaned up (oddly enough it was b/c I was born he cleaned up, he knew she needed help with me). Although they never remarried he was always there for her and me and they were still best friends. It was the long term affects of the alcohol that killed him. But somehow despite the DUI, the nights coming home drunk falling all over the place, finding massive amounts of empty bottles in my room, having my ex at the time (and still ex) bring me home 2 hrs after I had left the house and I was already so obliterated I didn't know what was going on and woke up with vomit everywhere, throwing up in her car from a hangover after she had picked me up from a friends house the night after a binge... i could go on. I know I hid A LOT of my drinking from her well in the early days (when I didn't really have a problem yet), but lately its so freaking obvious, yet she hasn't even TRIED to approach the subject with me... she HAS to know.


I'm really frightened about this upcoming week. I'm going to Boise to spend a the week with a guy friend. Before I decided to quit, I had already mapped out where the bars were in the Atlanta and LaGuardia airport (my two stops). I'm already a bundle of nerves about the trip and I know its only going to get worse. I'm soo nervous about this whole trip. Im going to try not to drink but i just don't know if I can do it.

At this point i feel like a relapse is not IF, but when. I'm not saying I'm not gonna try, because I am. But I also can't imagine NEVER having a drink ever again.

CarolD

I think you need to put your sobriety first.

Glad you made a week....

BUTTERFLY-7

STMY.1119 I COULD I.D. WITH U MY MOM WAS ALSO A FULL BLOWN,ALCOHOLIC TOO AND TURN ME OVER TO THE CARE OF MY FATHER MOTHER MAY SHE,R.I.P (MY GRANNY) AND MY DAD ONLY POP UP ON HOLIDAYS DRUNK OUT OF HIS WITHS THROWING MONEY AROUND TALKING ABOUT HIS PAIN AND THAT MONEY TO HIM MEANT NOTHING I REMEMBER ME AND MY COUSINS WILL GO AROUND AND TAKE HIS MONEY, WILE HE WAS DRUNK TALKING ALL THAT JUNK AND YEAH IT WILL SCARE ME AND HURT ME TO SEE HIM IN THAT DIMENSION AND THEN MY GRANNY PASS AWAY AND MY AUNT KICK ME OUT AT 14 BECAUSE THAT WAS THE FIRST TIME I WAS ALOUD TO GO TO A CHRISTMAS PARTY WITH A DATE CAME BACK 2 DAYS LATER DRUNK AND HANGOVER.BUT LISTEN DON'T BLAME YOUR MOTHER FOR NOT BEEN WISE ENOUGH INTO HANDLE LING THIS MATTER MORE DILIGENCE .THIS DISEASE IS EXHAUSTING AND TO DEAL WITH IT YOU NEED ALLOT OF PATIENCE. SO BE A BIG GIRL AND GET THE HELP FOR YOU, WE ARE RESPONSIBLE FOR OUR OWN BEHAVIOR.LIKE I SAID I COULD I.D. WITH YOU I DRANK TO BERRY,MY PAIN,MY ANGER,MY SORROWS, I BLAME EVERY THING AND EVERY ONE BECAUSE OF MY LIFE, AND FAILURES, AND MISTAKES, AND PAIN, AND MAYBE I WAS RIGHT, BUT THAT DOESN'T EXCUSE US FROM PLAYING OUR PART,THINK ABOUT IT, IT HURTS TO KNOW MAMA WEREN'T THERE FOR ME, AND IMAM PRETTY SURE IT HURTS YOU TOO BEEN RAZE WITH OUT BOTH PARENTS, BUT YOU KNOW WHAT LIFE GO'S ON SISTER, SO WHEN ALL OUR DREAMS ARE DEAD WE ARE LEFT WITH OUR SELF!!!!

reed

Heard that.

mle-sober

Stormy, I think instead of mapping out the bars on your trip, you should map out the AA meetings. It's possible to stay sober, even when you're on a trip, even when you're hanging with a new guy, even when your mom was a drunk and gave you up, even when other people haven't acted like you wanted them too.

Instead of blaming the woman who raised you for not coming to you and confronting you about your need for help, maybe you should go to her and ask for her support while you get sober and stay sober.

It sounds like you are setting yourself up for a relapse and that you are not real steady in your recovery right now since it's so recent. There's no way I would've traveled on my own or with a friend that wasn't fully committed to helping me maintain sobriety that early in my recovery. Heck, I still couldn't do it now (I have 59 days).

It sounds like you need to start taking responsibility for your recovery and start taking it seriously. It's not just something that happens to you or that other people do for you.

I'm sorry if I sound harsh. I read your post and I just ache for you because I see myself before I really wrapped my brain around the idea that I was a hopeless alcoholic, that it was a disease, and that noone was going to make me better except me, with God's grace and help.

GlassPrisoner

Followed by

And what , exactly, do you think is gonna happen if you drink again ? If you're like me, you probably think something like "It'll be different this time..."

One last thing, not to sound accusatory or mean, but it's not your Moms responsibility to see to it that you find recovery.

If I were you, I'd cancell the trip.

LogCabin

Hugs to you. I hope you can find a way out of the insanity of drinking.

I came from a dysfunctional, abusive, and neglectful home. But in the end I had to grow up and take responsibility for myself as an adult.

My sobrity is my choice, and that was the only way it would work. My family wanted me to stop...but it was not until "I" wanted to stop that the real recovery journey began.

Since your Mom has been surrounded by other addicts...she might know that this is something you need to do for yourself. She offered to send you to rehab. That is very generous. And tells me she does care.

I spent a year in therapy in what I called my "Mom therapy"...because pretty much each visit...we would get to what was wrong between us. I won't be able to change her. But I have learned to protect myself from her.

Good luck to you. I hope with all my heart you put saving yourself from yourself as your top priority.

Thib

Good luck with week 2 Stormy, looks like we have the same sober B-day. I'm winding down day 8, and feeling much better now that the work week has started again. This past weekend was brutal, had to keep myself insanely busy so as not to think about the proximity of the beer stores. Still thought about it.
No way could I travel right now without relapsing. I can picture with crystal clarity the location of every bar in the DFW airport. I'm too new at this to advise anyone, I just hope you're still with me on day 9.
I very well may drink tommorrow, but not today.

Lily

You need to walk right on by those bars and put yourself first. we care about you on here and we want you to make it.

Put your recovery first in your life and you will never go wrong. With your recovery you can have everything in your life, w/out it, it all will disappear.

Sheila

BUTTERFLY-7

"EXACTLY THATS ALL THE DISEASE WANTS TO HERE "THAT WE COULD NOT IMAGINE GOING ON WITH OUT DRINKING" IT WANTS TO MAKE YOU SUFFER,IT WANTS TO TELL YOU YOU NEED IT BECAUSE WE ENTERTAINED THE THOUGH AS LONG YOU HAVE THAT STINKING THINKING RECOVERY WILL NOT WORK BECAUSE IT WORKS IF YOU WORK IT!!!!!!!!!!!

Goodnfast

I travel a lot on business and my first trip was a real challenge. Just think about all the excellent new rewards your sobriety is bringing and it makes it a lot easier to walk past those airport bars. These days I find myself feeling really sorry for the poor people standing in line for 20 minutes for the honor of spending $6.95 for a beer.

And grats on the first week

least

Congratulations on your first week!:ghug We're all pulling for you. I'm trying to get to one week, One Day At A Time. You can do this.

Mr H

Well done you!
that first week seems along way away at the moment

leviathon

Great work on week one, but don't be such a downer about week two. Just take it one day at a time, one second at a time if necessary, and you will make it through.

Travel is tough, I do it for work and there is the sense of "No one will know, why not?" Well I know... so time to take responsibility for my own actions.

Peace Levi