forthelove

I've never blogged before but I'm completely lost.

I have a son who has recently admitted he's an addict of both drugs and alcohol. This has taken a huge toll on my family, we're angry, hurt vilolated * he stole from us * and as a mom, I'm extremely worried.

He's going to meetings and has a huge family support system, he's been clean for 27 days now and I'm proud of him.

We're a blended family and my husband is less than comforting when it comes to all thats going on. He doesn't understand that my son is not seeing reality the same way we do. He's angry and he blames me for all this.

My son doesn't sleep, he's constantly tired and has zero motivation. He's having a hard time making decisions.

He seems happier, he's becoming more open and talkative, easier to be around.

I know I'm babbling but I have so many thoughts running through me that I can't catalog them all.

I'm overwhelmed, frustrated , worried but yet hopeful. We've been told by our NA counselor that there is hope and he's not so far gone that it's hopeless.

I need advice from people who are going through this.... how do I get my husband, his step father, to be more sensitive, to be a little nicer and less critical?

How can I help my son as he goes through this long life change?

I also have a daughter that is dealing with all this. I'm worried that she's not being as honest about her feelings as she should be.

Help?

Surlyredhead

Hello, I am so sorry for your pain. I wish I could help, say something to ease your worry and make you feel better, but I was the person your Son is. My family is blended and to be honest, I don't know how they survived what I put them through, including disappearing for two years without contact. I just couldn't get it, I pushed them to the point that they cut off all contact until I was sober, I can see now that was the best thing for everyone, I was forced to be accountable for my own actions and it was a living Hell until I decided that using was going to kill me and maybe I didn't want to die. It took a few years sober for them to trust me again, but we are very close and I am so blessed to have a family again. You may be forced to make some difficult decisions along the way, but I hope all works out well for you and your family, the Friends and Family forum might be of comfort and help to you...

Cathy

ANGELINA243

Welcome! I'm glad you are here! It will take time for your husband to come around. Living with an addict isn't easy. I'm sure your son's behavior has taken a toll on the entire family at one point or another. You can't keep your son clean/sober. He must make changes for himself...NA is a great place for him to be. It is good that you are involved in some type of counseling. As far as your husbands anger--I'm not sure if the fact that he is a step-parent makes any difference in this situation or not. You need to focus on youself and your own well-being. Just know that your son's addiction isn't your fault. I wish you and your family peace and well being as you find recovery together. It will be a process--it won't happen overnight. Just don't give up! :ghug2

forthelove

Cathy and Angelina...

Thank you for your kind words. I know I can't do anything physical about his addicton and I know that I can only be supportive mentally and emotionally.

Pardon my language but it's so damn hard. The mom in me wants to just wrap my arms around him and keep him safe but the realistic side knows that I can't do that. That it wouldnt help him.

I've gone with him to his meetings and although it didn't do much for me, if it helps him thats all that matters right?

ANGELINA243

Have you ever attended an Al-anon or Nar-anon meeting? That is where friends and family members of addicted love ones meet/share their own experiences. :ghug3

StayinAlive

Welcome Mom, addiction is brutal for all involved. It killed me to see how my actions affected my mom. There are lots of moms here that are have been down this road and who are where your at now. http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...ly-alcoholics/

I wanted so badly for my mom to realize that she was powerless over my addiction and her main focus should be her own health.......not being a mom i will never understand what its like. Didnt help that she had had a front row seat to my demise since i was reduced to living at home due to my addiction. She put up with way too much for to long.

i am happy to say i have 7 months clean and FINALY moving out, i dug up this old thread
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...-hear-mom.html

User_Name

Al-anon. My parents go and seem to be gaining a better understanding of how I feel and what exactly I am going through. At first my folks were opposed to going since it would be like admitting that I really am an alcoholic, but I asked them to give it a try and they are happy that they did decide to start going.

An alcoholic/addict doesn't think like people who aren't addicted. We think differently and Al-anon may help you understand what it's like to be addicted.

Anna

Hi and Welcome,

It sounds like you're doing pretty well and I am sorry for what you're going through.

I hope your family can work together towards healing.

Remember there is always hope.

Surlyredhead

You are such a good Mom, but you MUST take care of yourself first, this disease discriminates against no one, not even innocents like yourself. You have a family to be a part of, a Husband and Daughter who need you also, it is not your fault your Son is an Addict/Alcoholic...one more time.....it is NOT your fault, your Son needs to want to be clean and sober, hopefully, this great start he has will be the ticket.

Cathy

353

Welcome forthelove,

This is my opinion and I share it because I hope it helps.

The bad news is there's not much you can do to make your husband behave differently. The good news is that your Son doesn't drink and drug because of how your husband treats him. Your Son, if he's an alcoholic like me, drinks and does drugs because he's an alcoholic like me.

When I found true sobriety, by that I mean admitting in my heart that I was powerless and taking direction from others to help myself, I began to learn how to take responsibility for myself and my actions. The blessing of this is I found the truth. I'm not responsible for everyone and everything around me, I'm only responsible for me....suddenly all the excuses I used to drink and drug didn't play anymore. No one can get me sober or keep me sober and no one can get me drunk.

Just love your Son and understand his life is his journey and trust that he's right where he's supposed to be.

God's Peace

BUTTERFLY-7

. . . . . 'THE LOVE OF A MOTHER IS MUCH GREATER THAN ANY HUMAN LOVE"

nandm

Welcome to SR! I am sorry you are struggling right now but happy that you are finding help for your son. You might also try posting in our "friends and family of substance abusers" forum as I am sure you will find a lot of experience, strength, and hope there. I wish you the best on your journey.

caileesnana

Hi, welcome. Come over the the Friends and Family of substance abusers...they are LOTS of us moms there! My addict is my 23 yo daughter. I have not heard or seen her in 3 months. She had been in rehab, sober living. Came home, and left...just like that!

I know your pain, we all do.
You are among friend and can say anything you want and noone will judge.

Prayers for you and your son,
susan

mle-sober

I have four sons and am a recovering alcoholic. My oldest is 15 and has asked how does he avoid being an alcoholic. We've talked a lot about it. And it's made me have to really think about what would I do if one of my sons became an addict or an alcoholic. And it made me so scared.

I really feel for you. I just feel like my own recovery has been through the grace of God and from no power in me. All I've done is recognize how terrible my situation was, how incapable I was of helping myself. And then I have basically rigorously followed the directions of my Outpatient program and my sponsor in AA. My motivation was huge - I just could not stand to lose the life I had - my husband, my children. I was completely broken and filled with grief from my disease. And paradoxically, that (I think) is what helped me start on the road to recovery.

As a mom, I feel so sad for you and your son. I'm so sorry for your suffering. I think if you have given him the means to help himself with a program (if he's young enough that he needs you to do that) and you continue to express you love and support -- there is nothing more you can do for him.

But I also think that as an alcoholic, it is very, very important that you do not make it all about him and instead you seek help for yourself also.

Hang in there.

parentrecovers

nice to meet you, forthelove -

my daughter (23) is an alcoholic/addict. i understand your concerns. alanon meetings and private counseling helps my husband and i cope. keep reaching out! mom hugs, k

Aysha

Hi forthelove..I am sorry you have to go through this.
I cant begin to imagine ... still to this day, what I must have put my family through.

The first thing that caught my eye was your avatar..
That statement held me back for so long.
Maybe I read into things too much.

All the coulda, woulda, shoulda beens. I spent so much time looking in the past I wasnt watching where I was going.

I know I should be in a very different place in life had I not been an addict.
But being an addict has definately taught me some valuable life lessons I may not have known otherwise.

You have gotten some really good advice already.
I wish you the best.