Why do I feel so selfish
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: VA
Posts: 14
Why do I feel so selfish
I’m feeling kind of guilty that I feel how I do.
The other day hubby went to his NA meeting and made a big step. He and another member flushed his pills down the toilet.
I am elated that he finally got rid of them because keeping them in his possession was not a good idea. What upsets me is I feel like he had known these people for 4 days and felt good enough with them to make this huge step yet I have been here all along and that was something I feel I needed to be a part of. I had made mention on several occasion that WE should get rid of them. For my own healing I had to see them go if you know what I mean. I feel so bad that I feel this way. It is like he goes to these meeting and comes out feeling so good with these complete strangers which is great but then leaves me feeling like there is something wrong with me. He is now taking time every day to go to meeting which is great but I get upset because I have needed to do physical therapy for 6 months now and can never have the time to do that. I am always at work or taking care of kids or the house or something. I am feeling so selfish. Is it normal to feel like this?
I started reading and almost finished the book “Codependent no more”. It has been a real eye opener and I am sure I will read it several times more and also bought the audio version for when I am in the car.
This is kind of a short version but once again I have to rush to take a kid somewhere.
The other day hubby went to his NA meeting and made a big step. He and another member flushed his pills down the toilet.
I am elated that he finally got rid of them because keeping them in his possession was not a good idea. What upsets me is I feel like he had known these people for 4 days and felt good enough with them to make this huge step yet I have been here all along and that was something I feel I needed to be a part of. I had made mention on several occasion that WE should get rid of them. For my own healing I had to see them go if you know what I mean. I feel so bad that I feel this way. It is like he goes to these meeting and comes out feeling so good with these complete strangers which is great but then leaves me feeling like there is something wrong with me. He is now taking time every day to go to meeting which is great but I get upset because I have needed to do physical therapy for 6 months now and can never have the time to do that. I am always at work or taking care of kids or the house or something. I am feeling so selfish. Is it normal to feel like this?
I started reading and almost finished the book “Codependent no more”. It has been a real eye opener and I am sure I will read it several times more and also bought the audio version for when I am in the car.
This is kind of a short version but once again I have to rush to take a kid somewhere.
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Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: Baghdad
Posts: 2,822
Originally Posted by mustang 
What upsets me is I feel like he had known these people for 4 days and felt good enough with them to make this huge step yet I have been here all along and that was something I feel I needed to be a part of.
I had made mention on several occasion that WE should get rid of them. For my own healing I had to see them go if you know what I mean.
It is like he goes to these meeting and comes out feeling so good with these complete strangers which is great but then leaves me feeling like there is something wrong with me.
I had made mention on several occasion that WE should get rid of them. For my own healing I had to see them go if you know what I mean.
It is like he goes to these meeting and comes out feeling so good with these complete strangers which is great but then leaves me feeling like there is something wrong with me.
What I've read, what upsets us is that loss of control, for an extended period of time we've tried to control the other.
"HE" should have gotten rid of them, not "WE" "WE" didn't have that addiction issue. He did. The more you read of the Beattie book, the more you'll be able to grasp these ideas. It is difficult, I struggle mightily with my codependency issues. I was raised to be a codependent, so I try not to kick myself too often. Hang in there, it does get better!
We Do Recover
Join Date: Jun 2006
Location: Texas
Posts: 2,619
That is a huge step for an addict. Please try not to take it personally. The fact that he is trusting in another person/group to help him is great. Only another addict can best undestand/help another addict. His addiction has nothing at all to do with you. Please let him seek help for himself--especially if he is reaching out to others>that is hard for any addict>asking a stranger for help. As far as how to deal with it--I would suggest Nar-anon if you would like to meet/talk with other family members who are dealing with the same situation. If you are curious about what NA is about--you can attend an "open" meeting with him sometime>but again, that decision will be up to you. God bless! :ghug3
StrivingToThrive
Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: san diego, ca
Posts: 425
mustang,
There are so many reasons we struggle with the addict doing things "well" on their own.
We have been so enmeshed with their addicted life ,its hard to see any signs they want of a separation into individuals.
We have often got our self-worth (as well as our self-doubts) from helping the addict.
We often get our Love from the addict when they are most "needing" our help.
so when they begin to take individual steps toward recovery, we are happy to see the drugs gone, but we are afraid to see where we will stand in addiction. what are our roles?
What if they don't need us anymore? What if they don't Love us any more?
As Codies, we can think deep down the only reason they love us is because they need us.
dumping the drugs with a fellow recovering addict was good. He needed to do that on his own. Its all a part of the process and regaining his self-worth. It had nothing to do with you or your relationship to him. You don't want him to do this for you or even for the relationship. If recovery is to last, it has to be done for the addict.
IMHO
Its not selfishness you are feeling, but delayed anger.
For me, I noticed when I was in "damage control" mode, meaning things are really bad and all my focus was on helping everyone survive. when I let the addict take me along for the ride, I didn't have time for anger. I was frightened and just surviving.
It seems when things got better and I was out of that mode and could actually looked around at our life, I saw all the hurts, betrayals, and sacrifices I made and I then got angry.
But I know now when he is in crisis mode and i don't go there with him, when he comes out of it, theres no anger from me because I didn't let him take me there with him.
I know this is just my situation, everyone's is different.
but don't beat yourself up.
you are recovering from this too.
Keep the focus on you. Feel those feelings, work through them, with someone else, write them down etc. then let them go.
Keep at it.
There are so many reasons we struggle with the addict doing things "well" on their own.
We have been so enmeshed with their addicted life ,its hard to see any signs they want of a separation into individuals.
We have often got our self-worth (as well as our self-doubts) from helping the addict.
We often get our Love from the addict when they are most "needing" our help.
so when they begin to take individual steps toward recovery, we are happy to see the drugs gone, but we are afraid to see where we will stand in addiction. what are our roles?
What if they don't need us anymore? What if they don't Love us any more?
As Codies, we can think deep down the only reason they love us is because they need us.
dumping the drugs with a fellow recovering addict was good. He needed to do that on his own. Its all a part of the process and regaining his self-worth. It had nothing to do with you or your relationship to him. You don't want him to do this for you or even for the relationship. If recovery is to last, it has to be done for the addict.
IMHO
Its not selfishness you are feeling, but delayed anger.
For me, I noticed when I was in "damage control" mode, meaning things are really bad and all my focus was on helping everyone survive. when I let the addict take me along for the ride, I didn't have time for anger. I was frightened and just surviving.
It seems when things got better and I was out of that mode and could actually looked around at our life, I saw all the hurts, betrayals, and sacrifices I made and I then got angry.
But I know now when he is in crisis mode and i don't go there with him, when he comes out of it, theres no anger from me because I didn't let him take me there with him.
I know this is just my situation, everyone's is different.
but don't beat yourself up.
you are recovering from this too.
Keep the focus on you. Feel those feelings, work through them, with someone else, write them down etc. then let them go.
Keep at it.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2008
Posts: 1,287
Hope you don't feel bad/guilty/selfish for long. You have been doing a lot and these emotions are very understandable. I truly hope you can find a way to make more time for yourself and your own recovery. As for your feelings, what I'm getting from what you wrote is that you are feeling resentment. I can relate. I mean after all, I am his wife, shouldn't he do it for both of us....I have been the one who has stuck by his side, shouldn't he listen to me and get rid of them?? But I guess this is where the "I didn't cause it, I can't cure it, I can't control it" comes in, because it really does need to be for his recovery, I think that's part of the disease, it really does have to be him taking the steps, doing the work.
But good for him that he did it. It could have turned out much worse. My AH had just been out of rehab to get off methadone. This was a few months ago. I found out he still had some and flipped. For some reason I was too tired of the argument to keep arguing about it. SO he kept them. And sure enough before long he was back on them. Did I say I told you so? YUP! But he knew it already. So back to rehab he went. I went to San Diego. He said "you mean you're not going to be home for me to call??" Nope. It wasn't easy, I don't think it will ever be easy. So please do for yourself what you can. Make the time for you. I hope you can find a way to do that.
But good for him that he did it. It could have turned out much worse. My AH had just been out of rehab to get off methadone. This was a few months ago. I found out he still had some and flipped. For some reason I was too tired of the argument to keep arguing about it. SO he kept them. And sure enough before long he was back on them. Did I say I told you so? YUP! But he knew it already. So back to rehab he went. I went to San Diego. He said "you mean you're not going to be home for me to call??" Nope. It wasn't easy, I don't think it will ever be easy. So please do for yourself what you can. Make the time for you. I hope you can find a way to do that.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: VA
Posts: 14
Originally Posted by sailorjohn
What I've read, what upsets us is that loss of control, for an extended period of time we've tried to control the other.
"HE" should have gotten rid of them, not "WE" "WE" didn't have that addiction issue. He did. The more you read of the Beattie book, the more you'll be able to grasp these ideas. It is difficult, I struggle mightily with my codependency issues. I was raised to be a codependent, so I try not to kick myself too often. Hang in there, it does get better!
"HE" should have gotten rid of them, not "WE" "WE" didn't have that addiction issue. He did. The more you read of the Beattie book, the more you'll be able to grasp these ideas. It is difficult, I struggle mightily with my codependency issues. I was raised to be a codependent, so I try not to kick myself too often. Hang in there, it does get better!
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: VA
Posts: 14
[QUOTE=cece;1723991]mustang,
so when they begin to take individual steps toward recovery, we are happy to see the drugs gone, but we are afraid to see where we will stand in addiction. what are our roles?
dumping the drugs with a fellow recovering addict was good. He needed to do that on his own. Its all a part of the process and regaining his self-worth. It had nothing to do with you or your relationship to him. You don't want him to do this for you or even for the relationship. If recovery is to last, it has to be done for the addict.
IMHO
I agree it is a step to recovery for him. I just needed to see them gone for me as much as he needed to get rid of them to take a step forward. It has caused so much pain and problems in our family that I often wonder if we will make it thru. We may not but I hope he makes a recovery. I understand he is going to need to do things on his own and am supportive of him attending his meeting and such. We have discussed in depth that I feel like I had been contributing because I always felt that he was trying to change his behavior for me in the past and not because he was ready and that perhaps that was why it has failed so many times. In a way I always knew it was continuing but I turned a blind eye because I didn't want to deal with it myself. And he didn't want to deal with it for sure.
so when they begin to take individual steps toward recovery, we are happy to see the drugs gone, but we are afraid to see where we will stand in addiction. what are our roles?
dumping the drugs with a fellow recovering addict was good. He needed to do that on his own. Its all a part of the process and regaining his self-worth. It had nothing to do with you or your relationship to him. You don't want him to do this for you or even for the relationship. If recovery is to last, it has to be done for the addict.
IMHO
I agree it is a step to recovery for him. I just needed to see them gone for me as much as he needed to get rid of them to take a step forward. It has caused so much pain and problems in our family that I often wonder if we will make it thru. We may not but I hope he makes a recovery. I understand he is going to need to do things on his own and am supportive of him attending his meeting and such. We have discussed in depth that I feel like I had been contributing because I always felt that he was trying to change his behavior for me in the past and not because he was ready and that perhaps that was why it has failed so many times. In a way I always knew it was continuing but I turned a blind eye because I didn't want to deal with it myself. And he didn't want to deal with it for sure.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: VA
Posts: 14
Originally Posted by Miss Pink
unless your an addict you can not identify with him on that level.
your ego needs a talking to. its not about you....
your ego needs a talking to. its not about you....
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: VA
Posts: 14
Originally Posted by itisatruth
Hope you don't feel bad/guilty/selfish for long. I truly hope you can find a way to make more time for yourself and your own recovery. As for your feelings, what I'm getting from what you wrote is that you are feeling resentment. I can relate. I mean after all, I am his wife, shouldn't he do it for both of us....I have been the one who has stuck by his side, shouldn't he listen to me and get rid of them?? But I guess this is where the "I didn't cause it, I can't cure it, I can't control it" comes in, because it really does need to be for his recovery, I think that's part of the disease, it really does have to be him taking the steps, doing the work.
But good for him that he did it. It could have turned out much worse. My AH had just been out of rehab to get off methadone. This was a few months ago. I found out he still had some and flipped. For some reason I was too tired of the argument to keep arguing about it. SO he kept them. And sure enough before long he was back on them. Did I say I told you so? YUP! But he knew it already. So back to rehab he went. I went to San Diego. He said "you mean you're not going to be home for me to call??" Nope. It wasn't easy, I don't think it will ever be easy. So please do for yourself what you can. Make the time for you. I hope you can find a way to do that.
But good for him that he did it. It could have turned out much worse. My AH had just been out of rehab to get off methadone. This was a few months ago. I found out he still had some and flipped. For some reason I was too tired of the argument to keep arguing about it. SO he kept them. And sure enough before long he was back on them. Did I say I told you so? YUP! But he knew it already. So back to rehab he went. I went to San Diego. He said "you mean you're not going to be home for me to call??" Nope. It wasn't easy, I don't think it will ever be easy. So please do for yourself what you can. Make the time for you. I hope you can find a way to do that.
Thanks for the positive support. It is a shame it did not work out better for you. But, perhaps it did. I am having the struggle now of do I stay or take the kids and go myself. I would stay here and ask him to leave but we had to refinance the house to pay for all these pills and now owe 70K more on the mortgage which I now can't afford by myself. This has been a long road and has caused a lot of issues both emotional as well as financial. All of us here have paid for it in some way or another. Him, me the kids all of us. For me the issue isn't he should get rid of them for me. If I wanted that I would have gotten them from his car and flushed them myself but I knew it had to be in his own time when he was ready or he would just order more then we would be in debt even more because of this. I am trying to find time for me to deal with me but it is hard to find time for a shower most days LOL. I hear a lot about his recovery but I wonder for the spouses does our recovery come after theirs? I feel like I am walking on eggshells and don't want to say a word to him. I don't want to be that 1 stressor that pushes him to pop a few more. I just hope he finds what works for him before it is to late for him. The amount of pills and time he has taken them are taking a toll on his body mainly his brain.
Forward we go...side by side-Rest In Peace
Join Date: Jun 2002
Location: Serene In Dixie
Posts: 36,740
You do need support too...
Are your children old enough to do chores?
Can you switch off with a neighbor on
watching kids or driving them around?
Have you talked to your husband and
made a plan for new partnership?
No need to answer me...just thinking aloud
Blessings to the 7 of you
Are your children old enough to do chores?
Can you switch off with a neighbor on
watching kids or driving them around?
Have you talked to your husband and
made a plan for new partnership?
No need to answer me...just thinking aloud
Blessings to the 7 of you
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: VA
Posts: 14
Originally Posted by CarolD
You do need support too...
Are your children old enough to do chores?
Can you switch off with a neighbor on
watching kids or driving them around?
Have you talked to your husband and
made a plan for new partnership?
No need to answer me...just thinking aloud
Blessings to the 7 of you
Are your children old enough to do chores?
Can you switch off with a neighbor on
watching kids or driving them around?
Have you talked to your husband and
made a plan for new partnership?
No need to answer me...just thinking aloud
Blessings to the 7 of you
Member
Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: Upstate, NY
Posts: 718
Your recovery has to do with you. Please keep reading Co-dependent no More. Not that I am an expert by any means... but posting this helps me to remember to me first too. I have two kids and I know what it's like being the strong one, the "head of household", the one who keeps it all together, so can only imagine what it feels like with 5! In the midst of all that, even if it's talking to yourself or praying while doing everything else, think of you. Your kids need a strong, sane you. His recovery will be or won't be... your recovery is up to you. Remember to breathe and keep coming here for support .... it helps!
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