I'm really sick of myself
bona fido dog-lover
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: SF Bay area, CA
Posts: 99,780
I'm really sick of myself
I swore I'd never go thru withdrawal again, but here I am, shaking like a leaf and sweating with my heart about to jump out of my chest. I don't know what's wrong with me. Why do I torture myself with this poison? I want to start all over at not drinking but am afraid I won't live thru this withdrawal. And if I tell my doctor that I caved in and drank for two days he'll be mad and disappointed in me. I'm already mad at myself and disappointed in my failure. I want to quit drinking but can't stand the sensation of being alive and so 'aware' so I drink to dull the feelings I can't stand. they I find myself in withdrawal again. I need prayer and a Higher Power but can't seem to connect with a Higher Power. I've asked God to take over my will and my life but I don't notice any difference in how I feel. I'm desperate to stop drinking before it kills me. I'm sorry for falling off the wagon once more. I don't know what's wrong with me.
problem with authority
Join Date: Nov 2007
Location: Washington, DC
Posts: 870
Thank you for being honest and for reminding me of what I never want to go through again.
Let me see if I understand this correctly. You are afraid you might not live through this withdrawal but you are more afraid of being embarrassed? YOU MUST TALK TO YOUR DOCTOR.
Please seek help immediately.
Please know that I am not trying to ridicule you. I was terminally self-sufficient myself and did not seek help...until I HAD to. Just for today, please let go of your fear and call for help so that you don't have a seizure and die.
Let me see if I understand this correctly. You are afraid you might not live through this withdrawal but you are more afraid of being embarrassed? YOU MUST TALK TO YOUR DOCTOR.
Please seek help immediately.
Please know that I am not trying to ridicule you. I was terminally self-sufficient myself and did not seek help...until I HAD to. Just for today, please let go of your fear and call for help so that you don't have a seizure and die.
Originally Posted by least 
I swore I'd never go thru withdrawal again, but here I am, shaking like a leaf and sweating with my heart about to jump out of my chest. I don't know what's wrong with me. Why do I torture myself with this poison? I want to start all over at not drinking but am afraid I won't live thru this withdrawal. And if I tell my doctor that I caved in and drank for two days he'll be mad and disappointed in me. I'm already mad at myself and disappointed in my failure. I want to quit drinking but can't stand the sensation of being alive and so 'aware' so I drink to dull the feelings I can't stand. they I find myself in withdrawal again. I need prayer and a Higher Power but can't seem to connect with a Higher Power. I've asked God to take over my will and my life but I don't notice any difference in how I feel. I'm desperate to stop drinking before it kills me. I'm sorry for falling off the wagon once more. I don't know what's wrong with me.
bona fido dog-lover
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: SF Bay area, CA
Posts: 99,780
Now I'm really afraid. I think I just had a seizure. I was sitting at my desk and then found myself on the floor and the back of my head hurts like I hit it and I wet myself. It's early sunday morning and I'm wondering if I should call the doctor's registry to get ahold of my doctor and ask him to put my on phenobarb so I won't have any more seizures. That's what we took in rehab while we were going thru detox. I'm scared to death now. That's really bad, isn't it? I'm sorry if it sounds like I'm asking for medical advice - I"m not, but I've never had this happen before and Im terrified. And it's all my own fault. what is wrong with me??
same planet...different world
Join Date: Sep 2006
Location: Butte, America
Posts: 10,946
Least, hon -
call the Emergency room, okay?
Don't hesitate -
and dont mess around with this one, okay?
Do it right now -
the ER, hon.
or 911.
tell them what you just told us.
That's what you need to do right now, hon.
we'll worry about the next thing -
when you come back after that, Ok?
I'm, gonna wait right here as long as I can to hear from ya.
call the Emergency room, okay?
Don't hesitate -
and dont mess around with this one, okay?
Do it right now -
the ER, hon.
or 911.
tell them what you just told us.
That's what you need to do right now, hon.
we'll worry about the next thing -
when you come back after that, Ok?
I'm, gonna wait right here as long as I can to hear from ya.
Attitude of Gratitude
Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: Dayton, Ohio
Posts: 2,305
:ghug3Ok, first of all, here's a sincere hug.
I can truly, truly identify with your kickin yourself in thy butt syndrome, I don't know if you read this anywhere before, but my name, SerenityQueen, evolved from when I was in and out of sobriety. I overheard one of the nurses at the hospital where I had went repeatedly for detox refer to me as the queen of relapse. Talk about embarressment!
Look, bottom line. This is your life you're talking about. Your doctor is just that, a doctor. He of all people should know that addiction is a disease, not some weakness that the uninformed individuals who are judgemental think it is. Every time that I relapsed, I threw myself into it big time. By the time I was ready to try again, I was usually at the end of a several day drunken binge where I didn't get dressed, shower, comb my hair, nothing. I had alienated everyone else in my life that I had no one I felt I could call to take me to the hospital. I'd have to call the paramedics. And with me always deciding in the early morning hours to go seek help, it was usually one of the same three paramedic crews on duty. Believe me, I would watch them walk up to my door, shaking their heads in disgust. And they let me hear about it all the way to the hospital. "Haven't you learned your lesson yet? We just took you out here three months ago, remember? You said you were done then." The shame they inflicted on me was nothing compared to what I put on myself.
You must be willing to go to any length. You can always find another doctor, but a new life isn't available in the medical part of the yellow pages. Except under treatment facilities and AA/NA phone numbers.
Swallow your pride.
Save your life.
This life that awaits you is more beautiful, rewarding and fulfilling than you can even begin to fantasize about.
You have to let go of the guilt and shame. The only purose that serves is to keep you miserable and drinking. That's what this disease wants.
I'll pray for you that you seek the help you need right now.
Judy
I can truly, truly identify with your kickin yourself in thy butt syndrome, I don't know if you read this anywhere before, but my name, SerenityQueen, evolved from when I was in and out of sobriety. I overheard one of the nurses at the hospital where I had went repeatedly for detox refer to me as the queen of relapse. Talk about embarressment!
Look, bottom line. This is your life you're talking about. Your doctor is just that, a doctor. He of all people should know that addiction is a disease, not some weakness that the uninformed individuals who are judgemental think it is. Every time that I relapsed, I threw myself into it big time. By the time I was ready to try again, I was usually at the end of a several day drunken binge where I didn't get dressed, shower, comb my hair, nothing. I had alienated everyone else in my life that I had no one I felt I could call to take me to the hospital. I'd have to call the paramedics. And with me always deciding in the early morning hours to go seek help, it was usually one of the same three paramedic crews on duty. Believe me, I would watch them walk up to my door, shaking their heads in disgust. And they let me hear about it all the way to the hospital. "Haven't you learned your lesson yet? We just took you out here three months ago, remember? You said you were done then." The shame they inflicted on me was nothing compared to what I put on myself.
You must be willing to go to any length. You can always find another doctor, but a new life isn't available in the medical part of the yellow pages. Except under treatment facilities and AA/NA phone numbers.
Swallow your pride.
Save your life.
This life that awaits you is more beautiful, rewarding and fulfilling than you can even begin to fantasize about.
You have to let go of the guilt and shame. The only purose that serves is to keep you miserable and drinking. That's what this disease wants.
I'll pray for you that you seek the help you need right now.
Judy
Attitude of Gratitude
Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: Dayton, Ohio
Posts: 2,305
While I was typing my post, you apparentally DID HAVE A SEIZURE in my opinion.
Call 911 NOW
Next one might be the last one. And not in the way you want.
Am I trying to scare you, YES!
This is serious, you have to be hospitalized to be monitored closely. A doctor isn't going to put your on phenobarbital at home.
If you won't do it for yourself, do it for us, ok?
We want to see you come on here happy, joyous and free!
Call 911 NOW
Next one might be the last one. And not in the way you want.
Am I trying to scare you, YES!
This is serious, you have to be hospitalized to be monitored closely. A doctor isn't going to put your on phenobarbital at home.
If you won't do it for yourself, do it for us, ok?
We want to see you come on here happy, joyous and free!
Member
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: michigan
Posts: 92
Originally Posted by 51anna
Least,
I pray you have called 911 and gone to the ER.
Please let us know how you are doing when you are able to.
I pray you have called 911 and gone to the ER.
Please let us know how you are doing when you are able to.
Ditoo....do it now.
Last edited by Anna; 03-30-2008 at 05:43 AM.
bona fido dog-lover
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: SF Bay area, CA
Posts: 99,780
I called the doctor's registry and asked for my shrink to call me. He didn't seem too worried about it and said he would call in a few days scrip for my gabapentin and to take it three times a day. He said that would help and be less risky than phenobarb. my mom is going to the drug store in a while to get it and will bring it by. I'm feeling some better now but still agitated and sweating like mad. I'm going to lie down for a while til she gets here. I was afraid to call 911 cause I've got huge medical bills that I can't pay from previous trips to the er. I'm sorry for being such a loser and so needy. I'm sorry:praying
bona fido dog-lover
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: SF Bay area, CA
Posts: 99,780
My mother brought my scrip by and I took one. Am feeling some better now and will go back to bed for the rest of the morning.
I'm starting over today with day one and I will not drink today. thank you to all for your concern. I don't feel so alone here as I do in my own home.
I'm starting over today with day one and I will not drink today. thank you to all for your concern. I don't feel so alone here as I do in my own home.
bona fido dog-lover
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: SF Bay area, CA
Posts: 99,780
my daughter's room is next to my den and she heard me hit the floor. she came in and she says it wasn't a seizure i had just passed out. she watched me until i could sit up. i don't remember those few minutes at all. i'm in bed, or i was, but couldn't sleep, felt reltless. i will not drink today.
Naturally Occuring Phenomenon
Join Date: Jan 2008
Location: Baltimore, Maryland
Posts: 437
Originally Posted by least
. I want to quit drinking but can't stand the sensation of being alive and so 'aware' so I drink to dull the feelings I can't stand. then I find myself in withdrawal again. I don't know what's wrong with me.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: uk
Posts: 157
least i am thinking of you and my heart does go ou to you.
I feel like **** today- second day of sober since my two day binge after two weeks of abstinence, i too swore id NEVER be here again BUT I AM.
I hope you soon start to feel better- i am focusing on towards the end of this week when i usually start to feel more optomistic and less depressed and paranoid.
In the meantime im just wishing you all the best and letting you know you are not alone.
I feel like **** today- second day of sober since my two day binge after two weeks of abstinence, i too swore id NEVER be here again BUT I AM.
I hope you soon start to feel better- i am focusing on towards the end of this week when i usually start to feel more optomistic and less depressed and paranoid.
In the meantime im just wishing you all the best and letting you know you are not alone.
Anxiety King
Join Date: Jan 2008
Location: Pittsburgh
Posts: 403
Oh Least, I'm so sorry to hear that it's going so rough for you right now. Glad to hear the meds your mom brought you are helping a little. If these problem continue today, please don't be afraid to get help. Maybe you could have your mom drive you to the ER.
Hang in there, gal! Don't let the big picture overwhelm you. Just worry about today.
:ghug3
Hang in there, gal! Don't let the big picture overwhelm you. Just worry about today.
:ghug3
Member
Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: 49 degrees north
Posts: 1,036
Least
I care for you. I've read of your struggles. I wish it could be easier for you. I wish each of us could take just a little of your pain.
You cannot go through this again. Perhaps if you write about it and print it out, it might help you through regaining sobriety.
While I didn't have anything resembling detox, I don't ever want to go through that first week again. When I get crazy, I read my first posts here. It reminds me of how far I've come, of how much I have to lose just by having a silly beer.
Easy for me to say, right? Perhaps. But the road here (nearing 50 days) wasn't easy. But it was worth it. I am at a place now where I can look the demon in the eye. I simply surrender by not drinking. My only weapon is not engaging him.
Get some help, my friend.
warren
I care for you. I've read of your struggles. I wish it could be easier for you. I wish each of us could take just a little of your pain.
You cannot go through this again. Perhaps if you write about it and print it out, it might help you through regaining sobriety.
While I didn't have anything resembling detox, I don't ever want to go through that first week again. When I get crazy, I read my first posts here. It reminds me of how far I've come, of how much I have to lose just by having a silly beer.
Easy for me to say, right? Perhaps. But the road here (nearing 50 days) wasn't easy. But it was worth it. I am at a place now where I can look the demon in the eye. I simply surrender by not drinking. My only weapon is not engaging him.
Get some help, my friend.
warren
bona fido dog-lover
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: SF Bay area, CA
Posts: 99,780
actually I am alone right now, until tomorrow evening as my daughter is on her way to an overnite stay at the college she'll be going to this fall. So there's no one else here. My mom doesn't go out of her house much and would not want to stay with me. I'll be ok. I've got the phone and good neighbors.
I will go to a meeting tonite and get phone numbers and names of who i can call when I feel desperate.
I will go to a meeting tonite and get phone numbers and names of who i can call when I feel desperate.
Member
Join Date: May 2007
Location: Littleton, Co.
Posts: 3,317
Least,
I wish you were not alone right now, but I'm glad to know that you have good neighbors to turn to.
My concern is that you may pass out again. Please rest and take care of yourself until the meeting tonight. Is ther anyone that could give you a ride to the meeting?
I wish you were not alone right now, but I'm glad to know that you have good neighbors to turn to.
My concern is that you may pass out again. Please rest and take care of yourself until the meeting tonight. Is ther anyone that could give you a ride to the meeting?
Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
