My letter to him...
Recovering Codependant
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2007
Location: Liverpool, Great Britain
Posts: 1,335
My letter to him...
Hello P,
I hope you are well? I’m glad you are enjoying your time in Scotland. It is really important to me that you are happy P. I know in the past you have doubted that because it has seemed my actions have been the opposite, like us breaking up. Breaking up with you was the hardest decision I have ever had to come to in my life. I really do love you very much. I am going to try to talk about my feelings and thoughts in this message, so it may seem to be centred about me. The reason I am doing this is because I now know that it is pointless to point the finger and say ‘you did this, and you said that…’ etc, I can only talk about my own understanding of myself. Neither one of us can go back in time and alter what has been said or what has happened in the past. We only have the choice now to make our futures better for ourselves.
The reason why I ended it was because I was in so much pain. I know you have tried very hard to cut down on your drinking, and I have seen that and appreciated it, I know that you do it for yourself and not for me; this is how it should be. I believe it is important for you to get clean and sober for your own welfare and not mine or J’s or anyone else’s. I don’t wish to see you become progressively worse (Alcoholism is a progressive disease; I have seen your addiction grow over the time that we were together) I don’t wish to see you kill yourself by drinking. At the end of the day the only person you should have to justify your life to is yourself. If you are happy drinking then that is your choice and I cannot make you change yourself, only you can change you. But I was not happy baby, and so I needed to change things. I have been trying hard to work on my issues and heal myself. I have learnt that if I do not put myself at the top of my priority list, then I am living for other people, and gaining my happiness through them. I want to learn to gain my happiness through me. I want to be a whole person who is confident and self assured, I am not those things right now, but I know that each day I am closer to being that way because I am working on myself. It has been painful to reflect on my issues, my actions and to take responsibility for the things that have happened in my life. But I am glad that I have because it is leading me to a better way of living, one where I respect myself and know myself and what I would like to share with someone special.
Alcoholism takes its tole on everyone who is connected with the alcoholic. I know that prolonged heavy drinking has had a physical and mental effect on you. You have been so ill lately, here are things I have witnessed: a changed appetite, tired all the while but not being able to sleep, depressed, finding no joy in your life, cutting yourself off from the world, staying in the house all the time, paranoid behaviour, irrational thinking, having a temper at times, distancing yourself, loosing your energy, pretty much giving up on ever seeing your kids again, emotionally and physically detaching from me, you had basically given up on yourself, stopped loving yourself and stopped trying to make life fun and a journey to enjoy, which is what life should be. These behaviours and others have really had an effect on me. Over the last few years these sides of your character have become the norm. This whole disease has shaken me to my core. I need to heal the parts of me that have been wounded by this experience.
We have had difficulties together like lots of couples do like money and getting to know each other etc. These things I believe could be worked on. What I feel cannot be worked on and must stop is your drinking, and as a consequence of your drinking, the emotional and verbal abuse that follows. When you drink you are a different person, and drinking for a long time all the time can have a damaging effect on you physically and also with the way you think and behave. I feel that I have witnessed this.
You say that you have found a new want for life since being in Scotland, and I am glad for you. Yet you have not managed to stop drinking. It is hard for me to trust this. It is hard for me to believe that you are a changed person when I know that you are still drinking. Perhaps you are happier up there, maybe being away from the city suits you. I know you and I know that being there would lift your spirits which is why I was happy when you told me you were going to stay with your Dad. Please try to understand Paul that I have been so hurt in the past by all this, that it is hard for me to believe in this change. My heart wants to but my head is doubtful. In order for me to believe that you are changing and becoming healthy again, I don’t need words, I need to SEE things, and I need to witness your actions. A big one to begin with would be to know that you had stopped drinking. I cannot accept anything less. I have been thinking very hard about what I want from my life partner, so far I have this list, it is not exhaustive either and I may add to it...
I want a man who is sober when I get in from work, someone who doesn’t pass out on me in the early evening because they’ve drank too much, who helps around the house and pitches in with the house work, who takes pride in his home and in himself personally, who plays with the kids and cherishes them, someone who respects me for what and who I am, who doesn’t judge me, who doesn’t verbally bash me, someone who makes me feel cherished and loved, who encourages me when I feel nervous, and comforts me if I am sad, someone who has dreams: and aims for them, someone who is motivated, someone who is willing to grow both physically and emotionally, someone who is connected with their emotions and isn’t afraid of them or hides from them, someone who is open to discussion and doesn’t always have to be right, someone who admits and apologises if they have been wrong, someone who reflects upon themselves and their behaviour and is willing to work on improving himself, who wants to be the best person they can be, someone who is financially responsible, someone who takes responsibility for their actions/words/behaviour, a person who is non-violent, someone who can make a promise and keep it, no lies, someone who doesn’t tell me what I should or shouldn’t do & who allows me to have space to learn and grow within myself, no verbal or physical aggressiveness, someone who has a positive attitude and outlook on things, someone who is a mature responsible adult, a spiritual person, a person who turns away from anger because they know it is unproductive, a selfless person, someone who doesn’t manipulate or blackmail (both in a verbal and emotional way), someone who is faithful...
I understand that this seems to be a lot, but I deserve the very best from my life, I deserve no less than this. I know many of these character traits are already within you, but over the last year or so, I must admit they have not been so obvious and I have felt very alone, unloved and unwanted. If you can show me that you can be this person there could be a chance for us. This will take some time. My heart has been hurt, my ego has been shaken and to be honest I think it will take time for me to heal, to learn to trust again, I have a lot of work I need to do for me, hopefully through therapy I will grow strong again.
I hope you are finding the inspiration to heal and help yourself while you are away,
Lots of blessings and hugs your way ((((P))))
All my love
Lily xxxxx
I hope you are well? I’m glad you are enjoying your time in Scotland. It is really important to me that you are happy P. I know in the past you have doubted that because it has seemed my actions have been the opposite, like us breaking up. Breaking up with you was the hardest decision I have ever had to come to in my life. I really do love you very much. I am going to try to talk about my feelings and thoughts in this message, so it may seem to be centred about me. The reason I am doing this is because I now know that it is pointless to point the finger and say ‘you did this, and you said that…’ etc, I can only talk about my own understanding of myself. Neither one of us can go back in time and alter what has been said or what has happened in the past. We only have the choice now to make our futures better for ourselves.
The reason why I ended it was because I was in so much pain. I know you have tried very hard to cut down on your drinking, and I have seen that and appreciated it, I know that you do it for yourself and not for me; this is how it should be. I believe it is important for you to get clean and sober for your own welfare and not mine or J’s or anyone else’s. I don’t wish to see you become progressively worse (Alcoholism is a progressive disease; I have seen your addiction grow over the time that we were together) I don’t wish to see you kill yourself by drinking. At the end of the day the only person you should have to justify your life to is yourself. If you are happy drinking then that is your choice and I cannot make you change yourself, only you can change you. But I was not happy baby, and so I needed to change things. I have been trying hard to work on my issues and heal myself. I have learnt that if I do not put myself at the top of my priority list, then I am living for other people, and gaining my happiness through them. I want to learn to gain my happiness through me. I want to be a whole person who is confident and self assured, I am not those things right now, but I know that each day I am closer to being that way because I am working on myself. It has been painful to reflect on my issues, my actions and to take responsibility for the things that have happened in my life. But I am glad that I have because it is leading me to a better way of living, one where I respect myself and know myself and what I would like to share with someone special.
Alcoholism takes its tole on everyone who is connected with the alcoholic. I know that prolonged heavy drinking has had a physical and mental effect on you. You have been so ill lately, here are things I have witnessed: a changed appetite, tired all the while but not being able to sleep, depressed, finding no joy in your life, cutting yourself off from the world, staying in the house all the time, paranoid behaviour, irrational thinking, having a temper at times, distancing yourself, loosing your energy, pretty much giving up on ever seeing your kids again, emotionally and physically detaching from me, you had basically given up on yourself, stopped loving yourself and stopped trying to make life fun and a journey to enjoy, which is what life should be. These behaviours and others have really had an effect on me. Over the last few years these sides of your character have become the norm. This whole disease has shaken me to my core. I need to heal the parts of me that have been wounded by this experience.
We have had difficulties together like lots of couples do like money and getting to know each other etc. These things I believe could be worked on. What I feel cannot be worked on and must stop is your drinking, and as a consequence of your drinking, the emotional and verbal abuse that follows. When you drink you are a different person, and drinking for a long time all the time can have a damaging effect on you physically and also with the way you think and behave. I feel that I have witnessed this.
You say that you have found a new want for life since being in Scotland, and I am glad for you. Yet you have not managed to stop drinking. It is hard for me to trust this. It is hard for me to believe that you are a changed person when I know that you are still drinking. Perhaps you are happier up there, maybe being away from the city suits you. I know you and I know that being there would lift your spirits which is why I was happy when you told me you were going to stay with your Dad. Please try to understand Paul that I have been so hurt in the past by all this, that it is hard for me to believe in this change. My heart wants to but my head is doubtful. In order for me to believe that you are changing and becoming healthy again, I don’t need words, I need to SEE things, and I need to witness your actions. A big one to begin with would be to know that you had stopped drinking. I cannot accept anything less. I have been thinking very hard about what I want from my life partner, so far I have this list, it is not exhaustive either and I may add to it...
I want a man who is sober when I get in from work, someone who doesn’t pass out on me in the early evening because they’ve drank too much, who helps around the house and pitches in with the house work, who takes pride in his home and in himself personally, who plays with the kids and cherishes them, someone who respects me for what and who I am, who doesn’t judge me, who doesn’t verbally bash me, someone who makes me feel cherished and loved, who encourages me when I feel nervous, and comforts me if I am sad, someone who has dreams: and aims for them, someone who is motivated, someone who is willing to grow both physically and emotionally, someone who is connected with their emotions and isn’t afraid of them or hides from them, someone who is open to discussion and doesn’t always have to be right, someone who admits and apologises if they have been wrong, someone who reflects upon themselves and their behaviour and is willing to work on improving himself, who wants to be the best person they can be, someone who is financially responsible, someone who takes responsibility for their actions/words/behaviour, a person who is non-violent, someone who can make a promise and keep it, no lies, someone who doesn’t tell me what I should or shouldn’t do & who allows me to have space to learn and grow within myself, no verbal or physical aggressiveness, someone who has a positive attitude and outlook on things, someone who is a mature responsible adult, a spiritual person, a person who turns away from anger because they know it is unproductive, a selfless person, someone who doesn’t manipulate or blackmail (both in a verbal and emotional way), someone who is faithful...
I understand that this seems to be a lot, but I deserve the very best from my life, I deserve no less than this. I know many of these character traits are already within you, but over the last year or so, I must admit they have not been so obvious and I have felt very alone, unloved and unwanted. If you can show me that you can be this person there could be a chance for us. This will take some time. My heart has been hurt, my ego has been shaken and to be honest I think it will take time for me to heal, to learn to trust again, I have a lot of work I need to do for me, hopefully through therapy I will grow strong again.
I hope you are finding the inspiration to heal and help yourself while you are away,
Lots of blessings and hugs your way ((((P))))
All my love
Lily xxxxx
Wipe your paws elsewhere!
Join Date: Dec 2004
Posts: 3,672
It seems the purpose of this letter is two-fold:
1) An attempt to point out somebody else's character defects
2) An attempt to change someone into the man of your dreams
Mailed or not, it won't change him into the man you crave or deserve. The only person who can give you what you deserve is YOU.
1) An attempt to point out somebody else's character defects
2) An attempt to change someone into the man of your dreams
Mailed or not, it won't change him into the man you crave or deserve. The only person who can give you what you deserve is YOU.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2007
Location: Merseyside,UK
Posts: 109
That letter sounds so much like what im going through.
And your description of the kind of relationship you want, thats so what ive been dreaming about for the past 3yrs.
Ive tried explaing the exact things you are here but it doesnt change anything.
My b/f knows what he should be doing but he just doesnt do it.
I get constantly let down although he says he wants to make things up to me.
Take today for example, its my 29th birthday and i should be on a weekend away in Wales with him. He got drunk yesterday and i decided he'd prob spend the whole weekend hungover, anxious and dying for cider so i havent gone. I aslo found out he run up a £53 tv bill and didnt tell me. I still have to pay it.
No matter what i say or do hes NEVER gonna change.
So dont expect him to take notice of this letter,even if he does it wont last long,he'll go back to being the same old alcoholic hes always been
Sorry but im just being honest, hope you dont take offence.
sam.x
And your description of the kind of relationship you want, thats so what ive been dreaming about for the past 3yrs.
Ive tried explaing the exact things you are here but it doesnt change anything.
My b/f knows what he should be doing but he just doesnt do it.
I get constantly let down although he says he wants to make things up to me.
Take today for example, its my 29th birthday and i should be on a weekend away in Wales with him. He got drunk yesterday and i decided he'd prob spend the whole weekend hungover, anxious and dying for cider so i havent gone. I aslo found out he run up a £53 tv bill and didnt tell me. I still have to pay it.
No matter what i say or do hes NEVER gonna change.
So dont expect him to take notice of this letter,even if he does it wont last long,he'll go back to being the same old alcoholic hes always been
Sorry but im just being honest, hope you dont take offence.
sam.x
Member
Join Date: Oct 2006
Location: Missouri
Posts: 261
Lily....I think that the letter is very well written. I say if you need to send it send it but just remember that one letter may not open his eyes. I wish that it would b/c I would be sending one also to my exabf. I think though that it is good that you got that all out onto paper. When you are feeling vulnerable or down in the dumps take that letter out to remind yourself why you are not together with him.
Who knows that letter may open his eyes....nothing is impossible. If it does not do anything for him now though then maybe he will keep the letter and one day open it up when he is ready to get sober.....you may not be in his life but at least you know that you may have had an influence on his sobriety.
Do what you need to do to keep moving forward. Your doing great.
Who knows that letter may open his eyes....nothing is impossible. If it does not do anything for him now though then maybe he will keep the letter and one day open it up when he is ready to get sober.....you may not be in his life but at least you know that you may have had an influence on his sobriety.
Do what you need to do to keep moving forward. Your doing great.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2007
Location: Wales
Posts: 523
Hi Lily, if this letter has made you feel better then good. If you are expecting results you'll be waiting a long time. Sorry to be so negative. If he's anything like my xab was he'll come to the bit about drinking and read no more. This is who he is you have to accept this so you can move on and no amount of explaining or pouring your heart out will change this.
Move on Lily, he has.
Mair xxx
Move on Lily, he has.
Mair xxx
Survivor
Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: Proud Upstate New Yorker
Posts: 869
Peace Lilyflower,
I think there were some really awesome and reflective statements in this letter that I can personally identify with and I would like to highlight them and reflect on them, if thats alright. *shy smile*
Yes, you are correct. It is HIS journey. When it comes to members of my family who drink/smoke/etc, I have come to realize that it is their own personal struggle. Mine is my own. I zero in on myself and those character flaws within myself that need some serious construction work.
Again, yes, it is his journey and only he can change himself. Like he must justify his life to himself...you must do so for your own life. I like to ask myself if I will be happy with the choices I have made to day...in ten years from now. So far so good. The addicted ones in our lives must face themselves. It is so easy to focus on them and what they need to do, but ultimately, it is better for one to focus on herself and what she needs to do for her own welfare.
I must say that this is my favorite section of your letter. I hope you continue to work on yourself. I understand how difficult it is to reflect on your issues and your role in the events of your life. I have been taking full responsibility for my life and I admit that it is exhausting. But you are right, it does lead to that light at the end of the tunnel. I would suggest keeping this part of your letter nearby and reading it frequently to reinforce that fact that it is about YOU and NOT HIM. For me personally, I have found that it is so much easier to live and let live than it is to change (someone else) and make (someone else) change.
I am confident that you have come to learn this and you are working very hard on maintaining the fact that you have to work on you. I think that it is great.
On an endnote, I have a couple of questions for you:
Is it helpful to reflect on P's shortcomings? Does it help you move forward in your personal journey?
Will sending this letter help you move forward on your personal journey?
Are you absolutely 100% sure that this letter is not a subtle way of getting P to change into the person you want him to be?
I wish you much peace and love.
~Def
I think there were some really awesome and reflective statements in this letter that I can personally identify with and I would like to highlight them and reflect on them, if thats alright. *shy smile*
Originally Posted by Lilyflower 
I know you have tried very hard to cut down on your drinking, and I have seen that and appreciated it, I know that you do it for yourself and not for me; this is how it should be. I believe it is important for you to get clean and sober for your own welfare and not mine or J’s or anyone else’s.
Yes, you are correct. It is HIS journey. When it comes to members of my family who drink/smoke/etc, I have come to realize that it is their own personal struggle. Mine is my own. I zero in on myself and those character flaws within myself that need some serious construction work.
Originally Posted by Lilyflower
At the end of the day the only person you should have to justify your life to is yourself. If you are happy drinking then that is your choice and I cannot make you change yourself, only you can change you.
Originally Posted by Lilyflower
I have been trying hard to work on my issues and heal myself. I have learnt that if I do not put myself at the top of my priority list, then I am living for other people, and gaining my happiness through them. I want to learn to gain my happiness through me. I want to be a whole person who is confident and self assured, I am not those things right now, but I know that each day I am closer to being that way because I am working on myself. It has been painful to reflect on my issues, my actions and to take responsibility for the things that have happened in my life. But I am glad that I have because it is leading me to a better way of living, one where I respect myself and know myself and what I would like to share with someone special.
I must say that this is my favorite section of your letter. I hope you continue to work on yourself. I understand how difficult it is to reflect on your issues and your role in the events of your life. I have been taking full responsibility for my life and I admit that it is exhausting. But you are right, it does lead to that light at the end of the tunnel. I would suggest keeping this part of your letter nearby and reading it frequently to reinforce that fact that it is about YOU and NOT HIM. For me personally, I have found that it is so much easier to live and let live than it is to change (someone else) and make (someone else) change.
I am confident that you have come to learn this and you are working very hard on maintaining the fact that you have to work on you. I think that it is great.
On an endnote, I have a couple of questions for you:
Is it helpful to reflect on P's shortcomings? Does it help you move forward in your personal journey?
Will sending this letter help you move forward on your personal journey?
Are you absolutely 100% sure that this letter is not a subtle way of getting P to change into the person you want him to be?
I wish you much peace and love.
~Def
Recovering Codependant
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2007
Location: Liverpool, Great Britain
Posts: 1,335
Hi everyone,
In answer to a few questions.... yes I did send this to him. He has called me a few times this week and all the while is telling me how he is changing and how he wants me to go and visit him in Scotland. I sent the letter to him stating what my feelings were and what I want for me, not to make him change in an obvious or subtle way. I feel I am for the first time ever, telling someone what my standards are, and what I will not accept. Now, the letter gave me the opportunity to tell him these things without him twisting, turning, or verbally lashing out against me. He can do what he wants with the information. I am not waiting for him to change, nor am I expecting him to suddenly change as a result of my letter. As I said in the letter I know that he has many of the character traits I want in a person, but they have been pretty much non existant since his addiction took hold of him, he also lacks some of the traits I would like. I don't feel that I used this letter to tell him what his shortcomings are. My letter was written in the 'I'. As I say, he can do what he wants with the info I gave him. He can choose to remain in addiction, he can choose to reflect upon himself, he can choose to get sober.
I know I haven't moved on from him yet. I think that perhaps I feel as though I need to explain my decision to him because of his reaction and behaviour to me since we split up. I guess that means he is still pulling me in, and I know I should just leave things, I made my decision to end it for my own welfare, and I shouldn't have to explain. If he doesn't understand, it is not my place to explain it to him. This is the old me popping up again, the person who really cannot abide the thought of anyone in the world thinking badly of me, and not being able to reconcile myself to the idea of hurting someone emotionally, in my delusional state of mind, I want to be able to explain myself so that he will understand, and not think badly of me, and take the opportunity to heal himself for himself. That side of me still needs plenty of work.
As always I appreciate all points of view, and I haven't taken any offense to anyone. Thank you all for insights
Lily xxxxxxxxxx
In answer to a few questions.... yes I did send this to him. He has called me a few times this week and all the while is telling me how he is changing and how he wants me to go and visit him in Scotland. I sent the letter to him stating what my feelings were and what I want for me, not to make him change in an obvious or subtle way. I feel I am for the first time ever, telling someone what my standards are, and what I will not accept. Now, the letter gave me the opportunity to tell him these things without him twisting, turning, or verbally lashing out against me. He can do what he wants with the information. I am not waiting for him to change, nor am I expecting him to suddenly change as a result of my letter. As I said in the letter I know that he has many of the character traits I want in a person, but they have been pretty much non existant since his addiction took hold of him, he also lacks some of the traits I would like. I don't feel that I used this letter to tell him what his shortcomings are. My letter was written in the 'I'. As I say, he can do what he wants with the info I gave him. He can choose to remain in addiction, he can choose to reflect upon himself, he can choose to get sober.
I know I haven't moved on from him yet. I think that perhaps I feel as though I need to explain my decision to him because of his reaction and behaviour to me since we split up. I guess that means he is still pulling me in, and I know I should just leave things, I made my decision to end it for my own welfare, and I shouldn't have to explain. If he doesn't understand, it is not my place to explain it to him. This is the old me popping up again, the person who really cannot abide the thought of anyone in the world thinking badly of me, and not being able to reconcile myself to the idea of hurting someone emotionally, in my delusional state of mind, I want to be able to explain myself so that he will understand, and not think badly of me, and take the opportunity to heal himself for himself. That side of me still needs plenty of work.
As always I appreciate all points of view, and I haven't taken any offense to anyone. Thank you all for insights
Lily xxxxxxxxxx
Survivor
Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: Proud Upstate New Yorker
Posts: 869
Originally Posted by Lilyflower
I know I haven't moved on from him yet. I think that perhaps I feel as though I need to explain my decision to him because of his reaction and behaviour to me since we split up. I guess that means he is still pulling me in, and I know I should just leave things, I made my decision to end it for my own welfare, and I shouldn't have to explain. If he doesn't understand, it is not my place to explain it to him. This is the old me popping up again, the person who really cannot abide the thought of anyone in the world thinking badly of me, and not being able to reconcile myself to the idea of hurting someone emotionally, in my delusional state of mind, I want to be able to explain myself so that he will understand, and not think badly of me, and take the opportunity to heal himself for himself. That side of me still needs plenty of work.
I love the self-honesty here. This paragraph is an excellent example of keeping it real with one's self. I also used to feel the SAME exact way. I worried so much about people thinking badly of me and about hurting others. I am happy to report that I have come to realize that there are some people in the world who don't think very highly of me and I am totally cool with it. Mostly because there are 10 times more people in the world who love me to death. And I am glad to report that I am one of them.
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