gravity

Right now I am 300 miles from home, alone in a hotel room. There is a huge, happening night club attached to the hotel. I am here until Sunday, facilitating a training session. There is at least one person in this group that thinks I’m a good guy to go out for drinks with – only seen me when I was moderating. This situation is practically identical to when I went on my last binge. The déjà vu feeling is disturbing.

This is part of my first post on SR, December 17, 2007 – my sobriety date:

“I am in my early forties and the father of two young, precious children. I have an established, professional career. Some days (like today) I can't believe I still have my family & job. My alcohol problem (which I have had since I was a teenager) really began spiraling out of control approximately 5 years ago. More often than not, going out for a beer resulted in two or three days of continuous drinking. During these binges, alcohol was my only priority...to h*ll with my family, career, health, reputation. This was happening 3-4 times a month. Last winter, I managed to quit drinking and later moderate up until just last week. I thought I was "cured" and went out for a beer on Friday. That beer lasted until Sunday. I'm not going to get into what happens when I am drinking but it can get pretty bad.”

In my past, this has been the triggering situation (there are many more, but this was the big one). Away from my family, people around who like to drink, cool place to party close by, a weekend. In the past, I have also had those momentary lapses of reason where despite all good intentions, I ended up with a beer in my hand.

I’ve been on many road trips since December 17 & have been okay (triggers weren’t as obvious) but I feel a bit vulnerable this time. Also, I’m carrying some stress right now – dreading a work related phone call, snake bit over things that have been coming out of nowhere.

I have my iPod, laptop (obviously!), Big Book, other big book (Stephen King, Duma Key). I am putting together plans to keep busy tomorrow night – fitness centre, shopping, possibly an AA meeting. I have to say possibly because I have never gone to an AA meeting out of town and I am nervous (there might be alcoholics there, yikes!). I will also call my wife & my sponsor every day. I will pray & try to keep focused. I'm screening my phone calls. I was going to work on my AA steps but I am on step 8 – make a list of all people I harmed, don’t know if this is the right time to do this.

Right now, I have no intentions or desire to drink. I feel okay – it was a good day. I really cannot screw up my sobriety. My family, health, safety, & career are at stake. I do not want to ever write another post like I did on December 17. I am posting this because I want to be proactive. Kind of like the opposite of planning a relapse. Any advice or support would be appreciated. D

1963comet

Sounds like you have a plan to me. Thinking it through and knowing yourself is the most important thing to do. I could not even think of a thing to add.

reading post here may help also.

lovingseren

I think you should pat yourself on the back for posting this one!!

YOU have come a long way...take a second look at what you are saying......BravA!!

Fill up your tank...keep protein and carbs handy, snack throughout the day, keeps the cravings away, get up early, go to bed early, limit your social time to eating time, find good books to read, especially ones that make you laugh.
Know that you are doing the very best thing for yourself and for those you love.
Temptations will always be there, we just don't have to act on them anymore.
Freedom is a great thing, choice is a great thing!
Go forth and Live Your New Life.
Guard and Cherish Your Sobriety with all that you have.

Seren

SF69

Gravity, it might be different this time because of the 'tools' you have now. It sounds like you're well prepared and have a good plan in place. Just remember it in case that ol' feeling should come a-callin'.

Impurrfect

(((Gravity)))

I think it's great that you came here and posted about it! I also agree with SF69, that this may be different because you have your "tools" and are working out a plan.

I've actually gone to a meeting out of town, and it was great. It was scary....not knowing anyone there, but heck, I didn't know anyone when I went to my first meeting, either.

I've also stuck close to SR when I was afraid of what I might do. Luckily, I've always found someone here, no matter the time.

You're doing great, and I think you should give yourself a big pat on the back!

Hugs and prayers!

Amy

barb dwyer

Gravity -

you're doing so well - hang in hon.
That's why some of us are here all night long.

well, that ...
and some of us have the most boring job in the world,
but still - we're here all night hon!

you're NOT alone.

best

If those feelings change and phones don't get answered and you can't find that meeting place location out of town and they close the gym early, no suit for a swim and the pool is closed anyway...

Well Step 8 did a good job of reminding me why I don't want to ever pick up that first one again.


Looks like you have a good plan and working it well. Step 8 could be that plan B that always works when plan A starts to fall apart. Keep step 8 in the tool box. It just may save your butt.

gravity

I wasn't going to respond until tomorrow but I am still awake - 1:23 AM. I have a bit of a tough time adjusting to sleeping in hotel rooms and (wouldn't you know it) the young people next door are partying. They are trying to be quiet (for now)...I guess we all know how quiet drunk folks can be . I'm going to live & let live on this one unless they get out of hand at bar close up. This is definitely not a trigger - lame jokes, slurred words, burping, bad music on the alarm clock radio...iPod time for me! This is life.

In the evenings, I will keep reading & posting on SR. Got me through many a lonely night in the past.

Love your suggestions Seren - never even considered trying to eat healthy, tough on the road but I'll try. Sleep may be an issue though. I'll pick up some lighter reading tomorrow (too much serious stuff lately) - huge bookstore in town - maybe buy a book & hang out with the Starbucks crowd for a bit - I'll be artsy!

I talked to my sponsor tonight and (of course) he want's me to go to a meeting tomorrow. Said I'll hear something I need. Kinda feel obligated now - he's the boss ! (well, my wife is and she was the one that suggested it yesterday - is she always right ?) Just like the first time. Suck it up and do it.

The reason why I am resisting doing my step 8 is that it will bring up negative memories. But I always say that AA is a positive program, recovery is the absolute best - and step 8 is a part of it. Oddly, I started writing out my step 4 in this very city! It would be kind of cool to get home on Sunday with my step 8 complete. Oh and Best, I know what you mean - the best laid plans...I have to have a plan B. (never thought of that).

Thank you for the suggestions, positive comments, & just being here. I really feel like I'm on the right track. I know my Creator is with me, my loved ones are safe, and I have you folks to keep me company! D

barb dwyer

That's when I go back and do Seven again.

and again.

and again.

LOL!

I remember - I named someone - then had to pray for a while just to get past the guilt feeelings or whatever ... just to get the next person down.

"Please remove this from me so that I may better serve the Higher Good. help me know the next right thing, and that it is Your Will, not mine....."

not a bad mantra... a bit verbose... but it worked.

best

grumble grumble.... You have one of them as well? *LOL*

Your taking the bike? It said rain are you sure?
So I take the bike and yup it rained.

Next time...
You taking the bike? Did you check the weather report?
I took the bike and rained again.

Now she just asks... Do you stay dry in that rain suit at 50 MPH?
*LOL*
and every now and then... I will take the car and not have to see that look with a smile that says...Yup right again.

tesquizito

Gravity, I don't have any advice (I'm a noob) but I'll be your cheerleader and I'm cheering in your corner :-)

I also travel for business occasionally, sometimes alone, and more often than not it's to a place like Las Vegas. I must remember to be diligent and put together a plan like you have next time.

They have AA meetings everywhere, do they not? At my regular Sunday meeting they usually have people from out of town, sometimes out of the country. That sounds like a fun thing to do. You could probably make friends there and go out for a fun and sober evening.

Enjoy your trip!

gravity

Thanks Barb. I keep forgetting that the steps work together - it's not a checklist. Actually, I have revisited steps 2 through 7 on my little journey - not step 1 thankfully - pretty solid on that one. My sponsor also has me doing step 11.

And Best, I don't know why she puts up with me but she believes in me...hope she's right on that one !

tesquizito: thanks for the kind words. Vegas? Yikes! No, I'm not in Vegas thats for sure ! I'm really starting to warm up to the AA meeting idea. I'm not quite at the "fun" stage but I'm not that scared anymore!

barb dwyer

that's good to read, Gravity - you've worked hard for this sobriety.

(about the not scared stuff, I'm talking)

youngANDsober

One of the best meetings I have ever been to was out of state. A room full of strangers in recovery sure trumps a room full my own restless, irritable, and discontented thoughts any day.

gravity

Hi youngANDsober and welcome to SR! I'm not the official greeter but hey...I'll have to do for now ! If & when I go to a meeting, I'm sure that I'll come away stronger for it.

I'm going to pray (gratitude would be very appropriate - when isn't it?) and try to sleep. Take good care!

youngANDsober

I guess I'll have to accept your "unofficial" greeting for now : ) Take care.

CarolD

youngANDsober....
Welcome to our recovery community!

CarolD

(+) (+) (+)
Prayers and Mega hugs D

Impurrfect

(((Gravity)))

Hope you got a good night's sleep. I think you are doing fantastic!!! Just coming here to SR instead of wandering around in your head, is a huge step. I hope you go to a meeting...think of it as an opportunity to meet new friends! Heck, you've got friends HERE from all over the world!

I like what you said about gratitude...it sure has helped me out tremendously to remember all I have to be grateful for.

Hugs and prayers!

Amy

Hevyn

Gravity, you sound so serene - it strengthened me to read your words and the ones written in response. You're making it through a tough test. Afterwards, you can do the "superior dance" for sure! Knowing we can make it over these hurdles gives us the fuel to keep on going.