paypa

I set some harsh ultimatumes...If you don't get help, we can't be together, Do not call me when you are boozing or drugging.

Later that morning she went into an outpatient rehab. Her reason is so that I can stay with her....She doesn't acknowledge that she has a problem and I'm not interested in forcing anyone to do anything that know they don't want to do.

Should I say something to her about her reason for starting rehab? I don't want to be the reason!

Gmoney

IMO...I say, whatever gets them the help they need is okay by me, YET, I truly understand that we ultimately recover for ourselves. Hopefully, while in treatment, they can develop the desire they'll need to stay clean and discover that it really isn't about saving a relationship, but more about saving their life.

Barbara52

This illustrates why ultimatims just don't work very well.

So what are you going to do for yourself?

prodigal

No. Let her find and define her own reasons for starting rehab. If she chooses not to, she'll find plenty of reasons to re-start and continue her addiction.

sailorjohn

No, if only for the reason that a good majority of the folks in recovery got forced into it, either by the courts or their loved ones. If she can get clean long enough something may click, if it doesn't and she goes back out, at least she'll know there's a place she can go to get help.

Kasey

I had 5 years of ultimatums before my ex-wife finally got smart and left me. Get to AlAnon you will hear similar stories and it may help ya.

Kindeyes

One of the things that they told us in my A son's recovery center (at the family meetings) is that treatment is giving the alcoholic/addict the tools for recovery. They can't say "I don't know HOW to stop using." They KNOW....but it's up to them to do it.

His treatment is what finally allowed me to let go and let God. In my opinion we got a two-fer. His treatment was the beginning of MY recovery because of the excellent meetings that were presented for the family members and codependents. He got treatment and so did I.

I hope that her recovery center has those meetings centered around friends and family. Even if you have no intention of staying with her, those meetings are for YOU.

gentle hugs

DESIGNER

My xabf went in there for the exact same reason....afraid of loosing me. The only thing that I can suggest is go to your alanon meetings during that time. I did not go to alanon or did I know about this website. I thought that he was going to come out of rehab perfectly fixed and ready to be sober for the rest of his life. When She gets out stick to your bounderies and don't accept anything less b/c after a while you will get sucked back in to the manipulation.

He was good at that. I actually drank with him about 3 months after rehab....thinking that since he could not drink for 3 months I didn't think that a couple of beers out one night would put him back in the position he was at before rehab......I had NO understanding of the disease or else I was in denial that he was an alcoholic as much as he was....we were young....only 24.

Good luck.

Pajarito

I gave my AH an ultimatum after he picked up our D from her bus stop on his way home from the liquor store. I was out of town, and he had supposedly been sober for 5 months. I lost it- Go get help or get out. He went to treatment. . . continued to act like a horse's a** for a year, and then left me 6 months ago, because as he put it: I tried to control him. One of his resentments was about my "forcing" him to go to treatment. Looking back- I don't know if I would have done the same thing. I think knowing what I do now, I should have just left him. Although I am sad every day, I know I am going to be so much better off without living in his chaos. Boundries are a good thing, but it seems now I am learning more about what I want/need- not what I think he should be doing. Just my experience. Good luck.