DolphinBlue

When I first started to get sober, I remember deciding that the worst case senario, as far as living sober, would be to become someone who carries that peaceful presence around with them but who explodes at the tiniest insult to their fragile temper. I find it amazing that I've become that person.

So, I got to thinking about why, where this all came from so I could at least be aware of it while its happening and maybe do something about it.

Of course I thought of my childhood, because I remember feeling like this as a child. I thought of how every time I was in pain and needed comfort or advice or even just a "you're ok", I was faced only with my mother's contempt and disgust towards me. I clearly remember her snarling face staring at me in disbelief because I was trying to talk to her, yet again. Her reply was usually the same "get over it" "deal with it", I must've worked out that there's something wrong with me, I am contemptible. I was just a kid!

The boyfriend would compete with me and she would take his side, then they would inevitably fight and I was her best friend. She liked to rub it in his face, I guess. This man who did horrific things to her in front of us, whose "innocence" she fiercly protected. She was just a hurt child herself. So changeable, unreliable, trying to keep it all together and always, always that underlying hatred that was ever ready to explode.

And that's me these days. I'm her! I have no idea how to get this anger out, because I've tried but it keeps coming up in different ways. I'll talk with my counsellor and see what he says, I just pray that I can get through this and that I'm not destined to walk in her shadow.

Amy

Tiro

Anger made up one of the four corners of my emotional framework.

Anger was perhaps the most freely displayed emotion in my family of origin, and I adapted it as one of my defence mechanism.

When in doubt or fear........get angry.

When things are not going my way....get angry.

When hurt.........get angry.

The problem with my anger is that it very often turned to rage and rage is for me the most unhealthy form my anger can take.

I used to watch my parents use anger as a form of manipulation and a way to control others and I learned well..........however it has been a most destructive element in all my relationships.

Today with the help of Coda meetings I am learning healthier ways of expressing my feelings.

Hadenuff

Hello Amy,
My Father left when I was 7 years old. For years I have felt so much hurt, anger and resentment towards him. Soon after he left I remember how I would sit alone on the edge of the bathtub listening to the water run. The sound of the rushing water helped me not to feel what I was feeling. In my mind I picture myself back then, a hurt little kid who felt so alone. I really don't think it is unusual that I started using and drinking when I was 12. I felt that this pain I had inside was part of the reason I always felt I had to use or drink.
In all the experiences I have had with psychiatrists, rehabs and psych wards I always let myself get in touch with that pain, thinking I had to work through it. To understand it, but that just didn't work. When I would tell people close to me how I felt more than once I was told to grow up. I couldn't understand why I was letting something that happened 30 years ago have such an effect on me. I loved my Dad but I hated him.
Working the steps with my sponsor has really helped me to see how my character defects helped me hang onto my resentments that kept me from being able to lead a spiritual way of life and be in contact with my Higher Power. I know in my heart I have to let go. To just drop the pain and hate like a pencil and believe my Higher Power will take it away.
Your post brough up some memories for me and I just wanted to share this.
H

DolphinBlue

Thanks for the replies, I'm glad people can relate.

I have a real problem letting others see me really angry or really sad and I don't think I have while I've been sober (except when sharing in meetings really early on). When I'm ok, I look forward to getting it out if I need to and I know that I can, but when I'm really emotional my thinking is warped and I "know" that people will try and take advantage.

The steps are helping me a lot. I'm not always angry, but the rage really scares me when I feel it. I guess I'm just hoping that I can get past it. I'm afraid that its just "me", and trying to get help is idealistic and a bit foolish of me. I have learned some cognitive therapy tricks as well, but sometimes I think that changing my thinking is just another form of denial.

But I can tell from the severity of those thoughts that its just my old thinking patterns keeping me down, the hurt from the past and how I reacted at that time. The black and white extremes are usually a dead giveaway...so, I do have hope!

Amy

journeygal

Amy,

I have the same problem letting others see me really angry or really sad. When I was young if I was upset my mom told me to get over it, that I was too sensitive. If I was angry, well that just wasn't allowed. It seemed only my father was allowed to be angry! So it got to the point where I pretty much stuffed all my feelings.

It's a pretty hard thing for a kid to deal with to be told any feelings they have are wrong.

Now I have a hard time containing any emotions once I allow them to come through. I still think I stuff them most of the time, but when I don't - look out! I need to work on controlling and releasing them in a healthy way, and not feel ashamed or embarassed when I do express myself around others.

Thanks for this post.

Hugs,
JG

JT

Dolphin,

Being aware is the first step to change. The 3 A's...Awareness, acceptance and action. Pay attention to yourself...what things specifically set off certain feelings. You cannot change something that you are not aware of. Acceptance is at the core of everything recovery. Once accepted you can begin to take action and make changes.

I had to change alot of my automatic responses early in recovery and I still do. In time new ways of coping become automatic. Anger was a big one for me and today I rarely feel anger and more importantly I can't remember the last time I felt rage.

Hugs,
JT

DolphinBlue

Thanks heaps for your replies, this is all new to me and having you all relate to me means a lot.

I find too that when I let myself get started, I think I won't stop. I had some feelings come at me all at once not so long ago, but I started having a panic attack so I stopped them. Maybe it was an over-reaction.

As I was reading your post JT, I was doing a lot of nodding, what you said makes a lot of sense to me. I've been wanting to become more aware of myself and I guess its happening, which is a good start.

I've got some work to do. If I can catch myself, I won't get carried away and I can look at what's causing it.

Thanks
Amy

Daria

Hey, Dolphin Blue - I found this passage in an amazing book called
THE WOUNDED WOMAN: by Linda Schierse Leonard.

"Rage can release the Wounded Woman, for her wound has a burning center that stings and hurts. Some women repress the hurt and the anger that goes with it. And then that anger turns inward, perhaps in the form of bodily symptoms of depressive suicidal thoughts that paralyze their lives and their creativity.
Others let their rage out, but run over people in the process. In their hurt they hurt others. No matter in which direction the rage goes, it is unfocused, unformed and explosive. But it also carries powerful energy, which if utilized well, could
release their potentiality as women...
Rage can be veiled in many ways. One is via addiction . With alcohol , the rage can come out when one is drunk, but without the the conscious and reponsible acceptance of it.
Rage is often hidden in the body. Many women suffer from hypochondria. experiencing physical weakness and illness that really cover pent up energy.
Depression, a state in which all one's energy seems to disappear is another subterfuge for rage... Obsessive guilt feelings can veil rage for they are like beating oneself incessantly....In all cases, the rage needs to be recognized
and released before it can be transformed..." Love and Blessings, Daria

2stop

That was a good post Daria. And Amy, I have been like you said, my temper goes off over anything, big or small, reasonable or not, I am pissed and resentful inside most of the time..it feels like most days I just cannot control, but I think after so long not dealing with any emotion sober and growing up in a house where tempers and anger were a constant presence, it will take some time to overcome, but it does scare me how my anger controls my life. I don't like being angry at all, it is one of the bigger things I am working on. This is a great topic and something I need to explore more. Hope ya ll are doing well today.


Many hugs and hope too,
Tammie

DolphinBlue

Thanks Daria for the great post.

You know, I've always thought that there's some kind of virtue in turning the rage on myself. "At least I don't hurt others" but I'm not so sure about that now. All I've managed to do is, in my mind, turn something awful into something virtuous. Anyway, it does hurt others because I become passive aggressive and, as my sponsor says, doormat to a landmine. "I'm ok, I'm, ok, I'm ok...BOOM" which is usually an inappropriate over-reaction to some innocent bystander.

But even in the above paragraph, there's hostility there and anger towards myself. I know that's not the answer either. I can't accept what I bash myself up over and I certainly can't grow if all I want to do is blame myself.

I guess I'm trying to understand that these are defenses which once served a purpose. I need more compassion towards myself, I'm working on that.

Thanks,
Amy

Daria

Dolphin Blue - Thanks ! WOUNDED WOMAN is a great book. Very insightful
and speaks in mythological feminine archetypes that are ancient and very modern
at the same time. Guess some emotions are Universal !!!

I have big time anger issues, and agree with the writer that rage and anger can take many forms. I have been a professional Shiatsu practioner and Reiki Master
for quite a while . One of my excellent teachers talked about the hierarchies
of emotion. People who can easily access rage may have a harder time feeling sadness. People who feel guilt and shame may have a hard time with anger.
People who have been betrayed may access anger and have a hard time
feeling love or trust.

Usually the emotion we can access the most easily masks other emotion we have a harder time experiencing or are afraid to feel.
Check out where it's showing up in your body - that's also a good indicator of where you're holding it in! I am just beginning to access my sadness -which has always scared me because it feels do deep. It was masked by huge fiery rage
which is still there.

Do you feel more comfortable with anger ? I do ! Ah, well... It sounds like you're
doing great, Dolphin Blue ! Awareness is always the first step ! Love and Blessings - Daria