Need Help Urgent Please!!!!!
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: South Africa, Pretoria
Posts: 126
Need Help Urgent Please!!!!!
Hi All,
At a friends house now.....just had to leave my parent's place!!!!!
When I got there now, he was lying passed out in his car with booze all over!!!! He had just crashed his rental car (cause remember he had written off his two own cars in the past two months)
What am I to do now???????
I went to him, calmly asked him if he was ok and if he wanted help.
He said yes - he does want help to get better and started crying. Sorry - no sympathy for you my friend!!! YOU did this!
But ya, I'll try help as much as I can, but he refuses to go to another rehab centre again (he went about two weeks or so ago for 5 days, came out and was wasted again by the end of the first day being out)
Ok, so he said he wants help, but there's no money left to book him into some rehab - police don't help. I can't leave my mother and brother there - WHAT DO I DO NOW??????
PLEASE HELP....
At a friends house now.....just had to leave my parent's place!!!!!
When I got there now, he was lying passed out in his car with booze all over!!!! He had just crashed his rental car (cause remember he had written off his two own cars in the past two months)
What am I to do now???????
I went to him, calmly asked him if he was ok and if he wanted help.
He said yes - he does want help to get better and started crying. Sorry - no sympathy for you my friend!!! YOU did this!
But ya, I'll try help as much as I can, but he refuses to go to another rehab centre again (he went about two weeks or so ago for 5 days, came out and was wasted again by the end of the first day being out)Ok, so he said he wants help, but there's no money left to book him into some rehab - police don't help. I can't leave my mother and brother there - WHAT DO I DO NOW??????
PLEASE HELP....
Member
Join Date: Jan 2008
Location: Wilmington, NC
Posts: 932
Wow, your're in S. Africa so I really wouldn't know where to start. Here in the US you can do an involuntary commitment. Why doesn't he want to go to rehab again? If he has a problem, it needs to be addressed and he needs to get busy or you need to go. He may not have hit rock bottom yet - but it sounds on this end pretty darn bad!
Belgian Sheepdog Adictee
Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: In Today
Posts: 6,101
If you want to help and really he needs to do even this for himself, however, look up AA in the phone book and get a list of meetings....................................give him the list and leave it up to him.
I think this site will help:
Welcome to Alcoholics Anonymous - South Africa
On HE can help HIMSELF.
I am sorry you are hurting so bad, but try some Alanon for yourself, here is their website, also for South Africa:
Alanon Web Site
Hope this helps!!!!!!!
Keep posting and let us know how YOU are doing, we do care.
Love and hugs,
I think this site will help:
Welcome to Alcoholics Anonymous - South Africa
On HE can help HIMSELF.
I am sorry you are hurting so bad, but try some Alanon for yourself, here is their website, also for South Africa:
Alanon Web Site
Hope this helps!!!!!!!
Keep posting and let us know how YOU are doing, we do care.
Love and hugs,
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: South Africa, Pretoria
Posts: 126
hey there - yeah, I've told sum of the other ppl - here in SA there isn't really any help.
the police laughs at you when you call in domestic violence (which I have done), I didn't know about al-anon meetings 'till yesterday (looking one up for my brother and I...)
he doesn't want to go to rehab because he says it costs money and that it doesnt help and he doesnt want to sit in those meetings - i cant force him, but now we are going to lose everything - the house, the bit of money we have left, we'll most probably be separated - i'd be devastated if this would happen....i might have place to stay with friends, but what about my mother and my brother?
i'm fed up to the top now!!!!!
the police laughs at you when you call in domestic violence (which I have done), I didn't know about al-anon meetings 'till yesterday (looking one up for my brother and I...)
he doesn't want to go to rehab because he says it costs money and that it doesnt help and he doesnt want to sit in those meetings - i cant force him, but now we are going to lose everything - the house, the bit of money we have left, we'll most probably be separated - i'd be devastated if this would happen....i might have place to stay with friends, but what about my mother and my brother?
i'm fed up to the top now!!!!!
FreeSpirit
Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: Inside My Spirit
Posts: 1,274
:praying LAAN, IM SORRY ABOUT UR FRIEND, BUT MY DEAR U AND I CANT SAVE THE WORLD I KNOW UR INTENTIOS ARE GOOD WE ALL WANT TO HELP AND SEMPATICE WITH THE ADDICT BUT ALL WE ARE DOING IS ENABLELING THEM TO CARRY ON ON THIS VICIOUS CYCLE YES U COULD BE GENTLE TO UR SELF AND FRIEND BUT U MUST CONFRONT THE PROBLEM OR NOT THE PROBLEM WILL CONFRONT U AND TAER U AND UR FRIEND INTO PIECES I KNOW WHAT IM TALKING ABOUT I MIGHT ONLY HAVE 2 MONTHS OF SOBRIETY BUT IM NOT NEW TO RECOVERY TRUST ME I CAME TO RECOVERY ON AND OFF LOST OF TIMES, I LOST ALOT OF CONRATS IN THE BATTLEFIELD INCLUDING A FAMILY MEMBER, THIS DISEASE IS NOT PLAYING I COULD B GENTLE TOO MY SELF AND ANY RECOVERING ADDICT BUT I WILL NOT B GENTLE TO THIS CRIPPLING DISEASE IS SNICKI HIDIST BATHFELING AND CUNNING AND ITS NOT PLAYING SO DONT TAKE 4R GRANTED UR CHANCE TO RECOVER AND FIGHT BACK, AS UR FRIEND A TRUE FRIEND TELLS ME WHAT I NEED TO HEAR NOT WHAT I WANT O HEAR SO BUCKLE UP AND STRAP UP 4R THE RIDE REMBER TO BATLE THIS DISEASE IT TAKES COURAGE,HONESTY,ACCEPTANCE,SURRENDER& A POCKET FULL OF PRAYERS, AND A FIST FULL OF FAITH.BLESS& B-BLESS, . "COURAGE IS THE FEELING THAT ALLOWS,HUMAN BEINGS TO STAND UP AGAINTS FORCES THAT ARE ATTEMPTING TO TEAR THEM DOWN"!!!!!!!!! 
Member
Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: Medina, Ohio
Posts: 372
Laan,
Find the closest AA meeting and give him the listing. Until he walks through that door on his own, he doesn't want to get well. I was amazed by the unconditional love at my first AA meeting and it's what gave me the resolve to stay sober. If he needs detox AA will find a way to take care of him.
Sorry to hear of your problem.
John
Find the closest AA meeting and give him the listing. Until he walks through that door on his own, he doesn't want to get well. I was amazed by the unconditional love at my first AA meeting and it's what gave me the resolve to stay sober. If he needs detox AA will find a way to take care of him.
Sorry to hear of your problem.
John
Member
Join Date: Jan 2008
Location: Toronto
Posts: 138
Al Anon for you honey. That will be the best place to start for you. If you can get your brother and mom to join you, great but make sure you go regardless.
There are many good people there who will be able to give you support.
Keep posting.
((((( ))))))
There are many good people there who will be able to give you support.
Keep posting.
((((( ))))))
Member
Join Date: Jan 2006
Location: Los Angeles, CA
Posts: 5,075
Is there somewhere else for everyone, minus him, to go? Is there a way to move him somewhere else?
There is always a solution. I have to be open to the ones I may not want to do at the moment. But they are there all the same.
There is always a solution. I have to be open to the ones I may not want to do at the moment. But they are there all the same.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: South Africa, Pretoria
Posts: 126
Geez - we really want to kick him out, but this man is capable of doing so much damage...
We are so stuck in this whole thing - you won't believe it! Before, when he was himself, when everything was ok, my parents shared everything and my mom was basically a stay-at-home-mom (he made enough money to support us then), now we're stuck in a bad, bad place.
I'm so scared now - I didn't sleep well and I'm a nervous wreck today - I can't even do my work...
Two of my friends (one being where I was at last night) offered that I could go and stay there, but I can't just leave my mother and brother with him. Even if I did - things would become so very complicated. This whole thing is already putting a huge amount of strain on my relationship with my bf and I (he's there for me, but I think he also struggles to deal with it - he's angry because he can't care for me in the way he wants to yet - we are trying to save to get a loan for a place + he's very proud, ag & there are so many small things that make things complicated)
Apparently I could get my dad locked up for abuse or because he is a danger to us, but 3 nights tops - this won't help, because when he comes out all hell will break loose! Maybe if we could get out of that place it would've worked, but we are too dependent of him - he knows this and uses it against us.
I'm gonna see if I can't find a place where he could be locked up or something for a longer period of time. I don't know what else to do anymore....this is becoming really bad now
We are so stuck in this whole thing - you won't believe it! Before, when he was himself, when everything was ok, my parents shared everything and my mom was basically a stay-at-home-mom (he made enough money to support us then), now we're stuck in a bad, bad place.
I'm so scared now - I didn't sleep well and I'm a nervous wreck today - I can't even do my work...
Two of my friends (one being where I was at last night) offered that I could go and stay there, but I can't just leave my mother and brother with him. Even if I did - things would become so very complicated. This whole thing is already putting a huge amount of strain on my relationship with my bf and I (he's there for me, but I think he also struggles to deal with it - he's angry because he can't care for me in the way he wants to yet - we are trying to save to get a loan for a place + he's very proud, ag & there are so many small things that make things complicated)
Apparently I could get my dad locked up for abuse or because he is a danger to us, but 3 nights tops - this won't help, because when he comes out all hell will break loose! Maybe if we could get out of that place it would've worked, but we are too dependent of him - he knows this and uses it against us.
I'm gonna see if I can't find a place where he could be locked up or something for a longer period of time. I don't know what else to do anymore....this is becoming really bad now
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: South Africa, Pretoria
Posts: 126
its now 11am & i still havent called anybody - just cant get myself to do it....
i feel so broken today, so brittle - like hard sand, crumbling under a huge weight. i cant stop crying, then being absolutely furious, then to feeling sorry for myself.
i wish i knew exactly what to do to get out of this! do i get him arrested, do i try beg the family for more help, do i just pack up and run....i dont know, i just dont know!
maybe the Lord is trying to pull me closer - i've been so far away from Him lately. i couldnt even pray, i was even angry at Him...now i end up listening to josh groban's - you raise me up - sobbing like a baby....
to all that were concerned and replied to me - i really thank you from the bottom of my heart - the Lord has led me to you guys just in the nick of time....i would've probably done something very bad if i could not come and share my burdens here.
thank you guys - even if you are all so far away - lets pray the lord helps me open my eyes to the right decision next... :praying
i feel so broken today, so brittle - like hard sand, crumbling under a huge weight. i cant stop crying, then being absolutely furious, then to feeling sorry for myself.
i wish i knew exactly what to do to get out of this! do i get him arrested, do i try beg the family for more help, do i just pack up and run....i dont know, i just dont know!
maybe the Lord is trying to pull me closer - i've been so far away from Him lately. i couldnt even pray, i was even angry at Him...now i end up listening to josh groban's - you raise me up - sobbing like a baby....
to all that were concerned and replied to me - i really thank you from the bottom of my heart - the Lord has led me to you guys just in the nick of time....i would've probably done something very bad if i could not come and share my burdens here.
thank you guys - even if you are all so far away - lets pray the lord helps me open my eyes to the right decision next... :praying
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: South Africa, Pretoria
Posts: 126
finally called aa close to me - they only work until 12h30 - then the phones get disconnected!!!!!!!
well - at least after several calls and waiting for ages, I got the number for a guy, who's gonna give my details to someone to call me. not sure why exactly, don't really care - probably to tell me to go to al anon meetings...he's trying to get someone closer to us.
i hope we can get some help now - i'm really at the end of the road
well - at least after several calls and waiting for ages, I got the number for a guy, who's gonna give my details to someone to call me. not sure why exactly, don't really care - probably to tell me to go to al anon meetings...he's trying to get someone closer to us.
i hope we can get some help now - i'm really at the end of the road
Member
Join Date: Dec 2007
Posts: 1,322
Hang in there Laan. Learning some tools on how to detach from an A can help you feel like you are starting down a new road rather than being at the end of yours. Meanwhile, immediate survival is necessary. You say you have a friend who will help you, but you are afraid to leave your mother and brother. If you can allow yourself the opportunity to leave, and learn some tools of dealing with your situation, you may be in better shape to help them. It is hard to be healthy and strong, or to make good, mature decisions, when you are caught up in the madness. Maybe you could consider taking the friend up on the offer, even temporarily, just to give yourself a fighting chance. If nothing changes, nothing changes. And you really only have this change power over yourself. I'm sorry you are in this difficult situation, and am sending prayers your way this day.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2008
Location: Wilmington, NC
Posts: 932
Keep us posted on what your friend says. Don't go away okay?
I really hope this works out for you. I think if that song spoke that loudly to you, you really need to look up. I have always found that when things are falling apart, God is at work. He is busy trying to get our attention. If you have a church, they might also be a good resource for you. If you don't have a church you may want to find one. I have so much peace when I walk into my church and at the very least, I can put my home problems aside for a little while and smile. Don't loose your smile through all this!
I really hope this works out for you. I think if that song spoke that loudly to you, you really need to look up. I have always found that when things are falling apart, God is at work. He is busy trying to get our attention. If you have a church, they might also be a good resource for you. If you don't have a church you may want to find one. I have so much peace when I walk into my church and at the very least, I can put my home problems aside for a little while and smile. Don't loose your smile through all this!
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: South Africa, Pretoria
Posts: 126
Guys, I just got a message that my brother and his friends beat my father into a pulp - this is the start of a weekend full of hell!!!!!
I dont want to go home - I'm gonna try go to the police.....pls pray for me
I dont want to go home - I'm gonna try go to the police.....pls pray for me
Member
Join Date: Dec 2007
Location: The Jungle
Posts: 5,435
Originally Posted by Laan 
finally called aa close to me - they only work until 12h30 - then the phones get disconnected!!!!!!!
well - at least after several calls and waiting for ages, I got the number for a guy, who's gonna give my details to someone to call me. not sure why exactly, don't really care - probably to tell me to go to al anon meetings...he's trying to get someone closer to us.
i hope we can get some help now - i'm really at the end of the road
well - at least after several calls and waiting for ages, I got the number for a guy, who's gonna give my details to someone to call me. not sure why exactly, don't really care - probably to tell me to go to al anon meetings...he's trying to get someone closer to us.
i hope we can get some help now - i'm really at the end of the road
That was a wonderful first step. YOU did something to help yourself. Even making teeny tiny changes at first is ok too. Baby steps. You stayed at a friend's house to get a reprieve from the chaos......that time away will allow you to think. Good job! Keep up the good work!
gentle hugs
Member
Join Date: Jan 2008
Location: Toronto
Posts: 138
Laan,
Sometimes when we are in the thick of things there doesn't seem to be a solution because we love our family and the situation has gone on for so long that we can't see or think clearly.
If you fear for your safety this weekend you must get yourself out of that situation.
It sounds like you are concerned for your brother and mother and that you are trying get in touch with AA for your dad but the truth is that you need to get yourself in a safe place before you can help anyone. If you have ever been on an airplane the safety film says: In the event of an emergency and if you are flying with someone you love make sure to put your oxygen mask on before trying to help your loved one'. It sounds like you have an emergency on your hands.
It's so hard to think clearly when you can't sleep, are worried and are in the middle of a crisis. Please listen to some of the wise people here. If you don't feel that they understand your situation please take a moment and a post as much detail as you need to explain your situation.
hang in there
Sometimes when we are in the thick of things there doesn't seem to be a solution because we love our family and the situation has gone on for so long that we can't see or think clearly.
If you fear for your safety this weekend you must get yourself out of that situation.
It sounds like you are concerned for your brother and mother and that you are trying get in touch with AA for your dad but the truth is that you need to get yourself in a safe place before you can help anyone. If you have ever been on an airplane the safety film says: In the event of an emergency and if you are flying with someone you love make sure to put your oxygen mask on before trying to help your loved one'. It sounds like you have an emergency on your hands.
It's so hard to think clearly when you can't sleep, are worried and are in the middle of a crisis. Please listen to some of the wise people here. If you don't feel that they understand your situation please take a moment and a post as much detail as you need to explain your situation.
hang in there
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: South Africa, Pretoria
Posts: 126
Thanks guys!
Well, yesterday when I posted my previous message, I was SO distressed - even ppl at work I don't really get along with were looking concerned (he's a donkey's butt by the way - has no respect for women - otherwise I get along with most ppl in case you were wondering)
We're still pretty much in the same situation, now my dad is taking all his frustration out on us, because my brother's friend punched him in the face about 3-4 times....heck - he deserved it, he threw the punch at my (much smaller built) brother, so his friend tried to protect him.
There are so many different views to this - some will say my dad was wrong, others (like my dad) says he should have stayed out of it...I don't think so - he must sit and watch as his friend's dad beats him up - no I don't think so. My dad has never, ever been so drunk as yesterday and today...in fact, I have never seen anybody so drunk (& for such a long period of time)
When I stepped inside the house yesterday after work - he was sitting by the phone calling the police and my mother, making threats that he'd kill us all - I'm trying to keep this as evidence that he is a threat to us....not only to us - he drove into a wall with the car he hired (as he had written off our two other car in 2 months) and they came this morning to take pictures of it & to remove it from him. You should have seen the state the house was in - unbelievable!!!
My mom also has pictures and a doctors note (whatever it is you call it that the doctor has seen her after a beating from him) and we are going to use that against him on Monday.
The problem is, we'll have to wait until Monday (because if we cal lthe police now - he'll be out tomorrow to kill us & the doctor won't see him) to get him arrested and for the district doctor to see him so they can admit him in a rehab for 3 months - like I said, we'll have to use the evidence we have against him to prove that he's dangerous to us and society to keep him there - if he doesn't want to admit that he has a problem - we'll have to make him go there.
I have never seen things this bad ever before....now let's hope Monday will bring good news for us all...
I'm doing better today, by the way - my bf is really starting to see the effect this is having on me & is really there for me now...thanks again for the support guys - it means the world to me!!!!!! :ghug2
Well, yesterday when I posted my previous message, I was SO distressed - even ppl at work I don't really get along with were looking concerned (he's a donkey's butt by the way - has no respect for women - otherwise I get along with most ppl in case you were wondering)
We're still pretty much in the same situation, now my dad is taking all his frustration out on us, because my brother's friend punched him in the face about 3-4 times....heck - he deserved it, he threw the punch at my (much smaller built) brother, so his friend tried to protect him.
There are so many different views to this - some will say my dad was wrong, others (like my dad) says he should have stayed out of it...I don't think so - he must sit and watch as his friend's dad beats him up - no I don't think so. My dad has never, ever been so drunk as yesterday and today...in fact, I have never seen anybody so drunk (& for such a long period of time)
When I stepped inside the house yesterday after work - he was sitting by the phone calling the police and my mother, making threats that he'd kill us all - I'm trying to keep this as evidence that he is a threat to us....not only to us - he drove into a wall with the car he hired (as he had written off our two other car in 2 months) and they came this morning to take pictures of it & to remove it from him. You should have seen the state the house was in - unbelievable!!!
My mom also has pictures and a doctors note (whatever it is you call it that the doctor has seen her after a beating from him) and we are going to use that against him on Monday.
The problem is, we'll have to wait until Monday (because if we cal lthe police now - he'll be out tomorrow to kill us & the doctor won't see him) to get him arrested and for the district doctor to see him so they can admit him in a rehab for 3 months - like I said, we'll have to use the evidence we have against him to prove that he's dangerous to us and society to keep him there - if he doesn't want to admit that he has a problem - we'll have to make him go there.
I have never seen things this bad ever before....now let's hope Monday will bring good news for us all...
I'm doing better today, by the way - my bf is really starting to see the effect this is having on me & is really there for me now...thanks again for the support guys - it means the world to me!!!!!! :ghug2
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