LaTeeDa

Over the weekend there was some discussion on anger and the productiveness of venting. I promised to post a link when I got back to work and just now remembered it.

Here is an excerpt:

Here is the link:

Emotional Competency - Anger

L

GiveLove

Interesting (though the tiny print they used is giving me a migraine )

In my immediate family, I've noticed those who vent the most are those who are also the least likely to actually change the ugly situation they're in. They vent because they do not want to act, or to act yet.....they keep the job they hate, the spouse who makes them feel like dirt, the overscheduled lives exhausting them, etc. This article seems to say that venting anger is the letting off of steam that could be used to make positive changes and make things better...could be driving the engine, so to speak. At least that's how I read it?

This was so brilliant a statement I can hardly stand it:
“The best work of the world is done in the tension between anger and control.” ~ G. Stanley Hall (at the bottom)
That churning place between "I'm so mad!" and "I no longer have to live like that" is quite an adventure.....

FormerDoormat

I took quite a beating on the thread I started a while back called "What Does Venting Accomplish?" I define "venting" as restating the same problem again and again, yet failing to take action.

I believe that one has to identify a problem in order to address it, but repeated complaints about the same issue keeps people stuck and accomplishes nothing. I believe it was MallowCup who said "every vent requires a solution," and I agree.

In reading the link you provided LTD, this sentence caught my attention:

"Unless the source of your anger can be corrected by expressing anger, don't."

LaTeeDa

I found many pearls of wisdom on that page, including this one:

"Considering anger as an urgent imperative for change provides a useful point of view for analyzing our options, actions, and effectiveness."

I never looked at my anger as imperative for change. At least not change I needed to make. I spent years in an angry state, fuming over all the wrongs and injustices done to me by the A. It was as if I believed (and I suppose some part of me did) that just being angry would bring about the changes I desired. I was so self-righteous and justified in my anger. I was so right and he was so wrong. And I told it to anyone who would listen. Pretty soon, people stopped listening. All it did was harden into resentment which I then had to learn to let go. If only I would have listened to what my anger was telling me. That I needed to change. I probably could have saved myself and my children much suffering and pain.

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Barbara52

every vent requires a solution

Very true. I find venting helpful for me sometimes as part of a process of nailing down what a problem is but that process must end in finding the solution to the underlying problem. Otherwise its just more noise.

I have ended at least one friendship I can think of because the person vented about their job, their relationship, their life yet never took any action to change any of it. I reached the point where I was tired of listening to the same thing and asked them to stop venting at me until they decided what they were going to do about it. I didn't hear from them again. I have heard form other mutual friends that they are still doing the same venting and its now 10 years later.

FormerDoormat

I cut ties with my former best friend 10 years ago. Like you, Barbara, I was tired of listening to her complain about the same problems over and over again and how miserable she was. She repeated the same mistakes again and again, her misery was always somebody else's fault, and she was unwilling to make any changes. The only time she'd call me was to vent, so I stopped picking up the phone and returning her calls.

After Richard died, a mutual friend gave her my phone number. The first call was to offer her condolences. The second call was a venting session; she was still venting about the same issues 10 YEARS LATER. I haven't spoken to her again and don't intend to. I hope one day she finds peace.

There's lots of good information on the Emotional Competency website. I plan to make myself at home there and learn as much as I can. Thanks for this thread, LTD.

LaTeeDa

There's a ton of really helpful information out there, not just in that web site, but many of them. There are many books that have been really helpful to me, too. But, I had to be ready to hear it. It was a really hard thing to admit that all of the misery in my life was my own doing. ALL of it. I had to be willing to let go of a lot of beliefs that were ingrained in me practically from birth.

I remember reading one time about the power words have over us. Not just spoken words, but even the words we use in our thoughts. One example I remember was the phrase "falling in love." Simply by thinking of it in terms of "falling," implies that I have no control. That, in turn, makes me a "victim" of love. Now, I prefer to think of it as "being in love." A seemingly simple change in one word changes me from powerless to empowered.

Recovery for me goes way beyond codependency to the core of my emotional belief system. My life has changed immensely since I opened up to possibility that maybe I didn't know as much as I thought I did about myself and life in general.

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Pajarito

I get this- but I also in my situation kept trying to change myself to accommodate my AH-trying to figure out how to make him happy, how to live with his chaos, how to be the better wife- which didn't work. Now I am making changes in myself to make my life better for me- it's no longer for him.

YES! In my family of origin my dad was the angry one, and we listened to his every word. And I, being the oldest, took it upon myself to protect everyone else, to even anticipate his anger, so I'd make sure things were perfect to possibly diffuse it- never really worked- Now I see that. It didn't work with my AH either. On the opposite side of that, I did throw my fits with him and assumed he'd listen and change- the way I did- but no, never worked. Why couldn't I see where this was all going? I can't impose my will on another person, can't change another person- only myself.

And that is the most important bit of wisdom I got from this thread. Thank you LTD.

denny57

I agree. I don't see it as semantics. There is so much in the subconscious. As I work every day to make it more conscious, I have a deeper understanding of myself that amazes me.