My first post. Please read.

Old 03-26-2008, 06:41 AM
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My first post. Please read.

I'm not sure if I'll be comfortable talking here or not just yet. I've been looking around for hours though, and this seems to be a helpful place.

Ok, I can't sleep right now. I've been up all night because I found out that my dad was addicted to meth. He isn't anymore, but it doesn't matter to me. When he said that to me, it's like everything fell into place for the past 10 years of my life and hit me like a ton of bricks. That's why his health went downhill so badly. It's why he hasn't worked a job in as many years. Why my mom almost divorced him. It's why things would turn up missing, and money was sparse. All the late nights and tinkering and being away from home.

See, neither me or my mom have gotten along with him particularly well in a long time. I always thought that his problems stemmed from alcoholism and laziness. He spent so much of the past decade drinking on the sofa. This puts everything in a whole new perspective though. I can't believe he would just disregard his family like that. I already had issues with him, but this is bordering on unforgivable. He's a complete mess, and now I know why.

He told me that my mom knew about it, which is another shock. I don't know why he told me in the first place, and though it may not be the consensus for this board, I really wish he hadn't. I feel like he's made my family dysfunctional, and ruined my mothers life, and now he's trying to just get it off his chest. The way he told me even was so casual that it makes me sick. He even told me the pocket he used to keep his pipe in, like it was more remembering and recalling than confessing.

If I bring it up to my mom, it's going to cause a major ordeal. Obviously she thinks I don't know, and if she saw how angry and upset I am it would definitely end badly. I could see them splitting up over it even now, and that would likely mean death for my dad, since he depends on my mom for everything.. especially health insurance. He's had 2 strokes, congestive heart failure, high blood pressure, diabetes, you name it. He can't even really walk. He falls down and I've had to call 911 more than once because he can't stand up after he does.

If I bring it up to my dad, he's just going to do what he always does, and never stop talking about it. He'll ramble on in his broken awkward way until he's all broken down in tears, and I'll do what I always do and completely shut off and want to leave. There's no way out of it unless you just tell him it's ok 40 times. His brain is just too messed up to have a normal conversation. I really don't see a way to work through this, and with the state my dad is and has been in, there's not really a chance for normalcy anyway. I feel like he just went out of his way to screw up my life.

Anyway, I hope that makes sense. I just feel sick and can't sleep. I'm shocked, and disgusted. I don't know what to do. Sorry for the ramble.
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Old 03-26-2008, 06:46 AM
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Wow ((((threeforty22)))

BIG WELCOME to you. I think you are in the right place. I am going to write more in just a minute hold on so I can gather some thoughts right quick okay...
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Old 03-26-2008, 06:47 AM
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Welcome to SR.

There are some amazing people here and many more will come along with comments and advice.

The stickies have some great information too.

Keep coming back.
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Old 03-26-2008, 07:01 AM
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hey there-

Gosh I can really sympathize with where you are. Years ago I used to use the drug your dad has used. It is a very bad substance to abuse no doubt his heart troubles have everything to do with his meth use. Geeze I guess you must be in shock!

What is the most important thing to consider is how this is affecting you and how to be healthy in spite of what has been going on. I think you would benefit greatly from keeping the focus on yourself right now. You did not cause it, ya can't control it, and you can't cure your dad either. You can find your own peace concerning this.

I personally don't think kids should kept in the dark about stuff like this that is going on in the family. I suppose your mom has her reasons for not telling you and she probably thinks she was protecting you. The truth always comes out anyway. If it was me I would definitely let my mom know that I know. I don't like secrets myself cause I think they distort reality.

If you look at your extended family you may see that there is a pattern of keeping secretes or addiction or perhaps even both.

Please keep posting and reading your replies my very best wishes go out to you.
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Old 03-26-2008, 07:04 AM
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Three

You are in a good place. I'm a recovering alcoholic with 3 grown kids who love and support me. I'm doing very well and so are they.

You have taken a giant step by writing here. Your post is filled with anger and lack of understanding. You hurt badly. You can never recover the years lost to your Dad's addiction.

What you are doing is completely normal. It is necessary. It is even healthy, I think. You have a right to be angry.

The path you have in front of you has many forks that you may take. One leads completely away. Some take that and it is understandable. There are other forks, however. They can lead to wholeness and acceptance.

You may never understand. I tell my family that I thank god that they don't understand. Only addicts who go through recovery can understand. What I hope from them is acceptance. Acceptance that I was dealing with something that was greater than I, and while in it's grip, left me with no choice.

I hope that you continue to post and exchange here. There is much wisdom and shared knowledge. Also a lot of pain. And people deal with it in many ways. But there are some incredible success stories. Restored people and restored relationships. It can happen.

I won't attempt to guess why your Dad told you what he did. I don't think it was to hurt you, however. It may well be an attempt to reach out. The addict suffers from far more than a substance. Shame, guilt, regret, etc are potentially more damaging than the drug. Unless he can deal with those, I don't think he will ever recover. Only if you as a family confront this together can there be a pleasant outcome. I won't say happy, just pleasant.

I hope you continue to seek support and understanding.

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Old 03-26-2008, 07:20 AM
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welcome to S.R. i am sorry about your dad. he has screwed his life up & he may never find his way but you & your mom will be ok. talk to your mom about this. you & her both need a program in your life to help you understand this & help you to learn to take care of yourselves. find a naranon meeting & take her with you. you can get thru this. keep coming back here,read around & stay with us. we are here to walk this with you. prayers for you & your family.
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Old 03-26-2008, 07:25 AM
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Thanks for the messages so far everyone. I didn't know I was going to get responses so quickly. I can't say I feel any better, but I don't guess that's the point. There's no magic phrase that's going to calm me down or cure my insomnia right now.

It's just really a complicated situation. I'm sure every situation like this is way deeper than surface level, and yes I was definitely angry when I wrote the post, and I still am.. but I don't hate my dad. I'm just fed up. The alcohol was bad enough. I don't know the amount, but he still drinks up to a half of the 20 dollar bottle of 151 every day. Adding this on top of it just really makes me sick. My mind is in a pretty negative place right now, so it's possible my thoughts are a little skewed, but it just seems like any option I take will lead to drama and ugly consequences. Especially telling my mother about it.

Like I said before, his mind just isn't there anymore. Just as an example, he'll call me at 4 in the morning sometimes and tell me the same story 6 times in one conversation. After the third or fourth time I keep saying, 'Yes I know, you told me that 3 times already. You just told me that. Yes I know.' It's like a broken record. I'll start to finish the story for him so he knows I've heard it, and he just agrees with me and finishes the story, then laughs about it or whatever reaction the story would induce, then starts to tell me again. All the while I'm just uncomfortable and wishing I wasn't on the phone with my dad at 4 in the morning. Then other times he asks why I sound like I'm irritated when he talks to me, like he feels like he did nothing wrong.

I don't know. It just sucks. I'm sure you all understand. Thanks for the kind words.
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Old 03-26-2008, 07:43 AM
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Welcome Three... You have come to the right place. There are many people who are very wise and have learned by experiences similar to your own. You are not alone. I agree that the secret part is not good. Let your Mom know that you know. You need to take care of you and if the two of you are there for each other all the better. Please know that even though it sucks there is a way out and there is a way for you to get better. Keep coming back here, read other posts, find an al-anon or naranon meeting if you can. Feel the emotions you are feeling, but let them give you power to help yourself. Hugs to you!
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Old 03-26-2008, 07:52 AM
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((((threeforty))))
I hope you do seriously think about taking the advice offered about finding some naranon or alanon meetings for yourself, and your Mom. Meetings are all different because of the mix of people, so hopefully you live someplace where you can try a few meetings to find a place where you feel the most comfortable. Also remember, it takes time. It's amazing, but in time you will start to have your own understanding, have patience.

What you're feeling is so understandable. I cannot begin to imagine having a parent tell me this. Like you said, now the last 10 years make sense, but it sounds like it doesn't make sense either in a way. Addiction is addiction, but it seems like different drugs sometimes throw in a few of their own things.

Stay here! Read! Finding some meetings! Welcome!
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Old 03-26-2008, 08:05 AM
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Three

As long as his addiction(s) is active do not expect him to act in a "normal" or sane way. I was a high functioning alcoholic. A high level, high demand job, 3 kids in college, 70 hour weeks.

But when I got home and started drinking to medicate, all of that disappeared. My behavior, and I don't mean just superficially, was controlled by allcohol. Hiding, denying, lying, anything to keep my alcoholism "safe."

That doesn't mean however, that you have to accept his insane behavior. You are wll within your rights to set boundaries.

You say that you don't "feel better" after reading your replies. DUH...? You have been dealt a very difficult hand-one that you didn't ask for. One that you cannot control.

Take care of yourself first. If you are in school, consider speaking with the counselor. Talk to Mom. Go to alanon or alateen. This isn't your fault, but you need help, support, love, and knowledge. You don't own your Dad's issues.

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Old 03-26-2008, 08:55 AM
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(((((threeforty22)))))

I can understand your anger. He is the dad. Its his job to take care of you not the other way around.

It seems it's Meth that has triggered this anger. understandably, its scary stuff. but Meth, alcohol, etc? Its all addiction and can destroy lives if we let it.
your mom has been dealing with this for a long time. your knowing is not going to change that.
Even with its insanity the life you have as a family now is what you know. You are afraid if you tell your mom you know about the meth, that will change. your mom will be more upset, your parents marriage will be on the line, and your dad could sink further into his addiction(?)
Wow.
The first thing we as family members need to learn: WE ARE NOT THAT POWERFUL.
you are not responsible for your mother's emotional reaction to this, your parents marriage, either of their sanity ,or any stage of your fathers addiction or recovery.
I know that is hard for us to hear because we are so used to feeling like we are the one who holds it all together.
Its not your job.
i agree with the others. Get to a meeting. nothing has helped me deal with an addict in my life as well as an al-anon, Nar-anon, or an ala-teen meeting.
everyone here can relate in some way to your story so keep coming back. Read the Stickies at the top of this forum page and keep searching and focusing on you. Invite your mom if you talk to her.
Praying for all involved.:praying
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Old 03-26-2008, 12:17 PM
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Welcome, this is a good place to vent....post away! Warrens mentioned boundaries. I think its important for you to do this. Tell your father you won't talk to him on the phone like that anymore. It seems to only frustrate you, so don't do it. Hang up on him if you have to. You need to make decisions that will make you feel better. I do feel that its good that you know now, and can talk to your mom about it. My stepson and I have a much better relationship now that we can talk openly about his dad, even if it is painful sometimes.

Good thoughts and prayers for you.
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Old 03-26-2008, 12:36 PM
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You are in the right place. Were all here for basically the same reason, because someone that we love and care about is an addict. We must remember you didn't cause it, you cant control, nor can you cure it. Of course your angry he's your father. My mother was an alcoholic, and my son is a drug addict. I still get angry that is all part of the process. We will never understand what is going on in the addicts mind and the battle that they endure.Maybe your father just wanted to come clean about what has been going on. Your mother well she was probably just trying to protect you. You see when addiction is involved there are always a million lies involved. Naranon is a wonderful program for you to attend, if they dont have one in your area you can try alanon. The meetings I attend there are several younger people that are experiencing the same problems. Keep coming back to this site. The people here are understanding and full of wisdom. You really need to take care of yourself.
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Old 03-26-2008, 02:02 PM
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Originally Posted by ThreeForty22 View Post
I really don't see a way to work through this, and with the state my dad is and has been in, there's not really a chance for normalcy anyway. I feel like he just went out of his way to screw up my life.
Work through a conversation with your dad or your feelings about his addiction?

He went out of his way to screw up his life and you were taken prisoner. Now that you know, you alone have the ability to free yourself from the sins of the past. It's all up to you and no, it isn't fair but it is what it is.

If you feel the need to free yourself of him, please first ask yourself what you stand to gain or lose.

I almost forgot... what is normal?
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Old 03-26-2008, 03:26 PM
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Three-

This may not help now, but I can promise you one thing. There are very wise people here giving you good advice. Work on yourself and you will be fine. I can also tell you from experience that the old saying "that which doesn't kill you makes you stronger" is absolutely true. You will come out a stronger person from this. Still, I know it sucks.

Take care of yourself.
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Old 03-26-2008, 03:56 PM
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Just wanted to come back and say thanks again and let you all know I'm keeping up with the thread, reading all the responses, and checking out other threads. I'm not going to say something naive like 'I thought I was alone' but it's nice to have it proven that I'm not.

I'm not really sure what I'm going to do yet. I know people are speaking from experience and it seems like the consensus is to put it on the table and deal with it, and maybe find a support group.. but I'm just not sure yet. At the moment I'm not sure I'd even be comfortable talking anonymously on the phone. It's just not something I'm used to at all. I'm not ruling it out, I'm just going to have to think about it. This is all pretty new to me.

I finally did get some sleep, and feel a little less overwhelmed after resting.. so that's good. I get the feeling it's going to be the worst at night though, and so I'm kind of stressed thinking about how it's going to be tonight. I didn't fall asleep until almost 11 today and slept till 4. I'd hate to be up all night again worrying about it all.

I'm not entirely sure what to say, but thanks. I have a lot to think about.
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Old 03-26-2008, 04:02 PM
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pray like you never have before.

He's got to seek help for himself. Until, he comes to grip with it, all you can do is not enable him

I'll pray for you too !!
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Old 03-26-2008, 06:01 PM
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Hi there, welcome! I'm glad you are reading around here and keeping up with the post. Yeah, I found that knowing there are others who get how I feel somehow made it just a little bit less sucky. I felt leary of meetings to begin with too, but I did end up finding a group that provided me with so much support. Even now, two years later without addiction directly in my life, I go because I've made such wonderful close friendships and it helps me in every aspect of my life. Whether you choose face to face meetings or not, I think you have already taken the first step of a support network by coming here.

There is a saying in the anon groups to the effect of when you don't know what to do, do nothing. It doesn't mean stick your head in the sand or live in denial; rather take your time, weigh your choices and if it doesn't feel right yet, it is really okay to do nothing. I've always been one who wanted to be the fixer and to fix it right away. I never realized the stress I put on myself and how it clouded my life until I learned to take the words seriously. Giving myself the luxury of waiting to act, but not obsessing about my choices in between, has really helped me in my own recovery from the effects of addiction in my life. So I think your decision to not decide yet and to take time in choosing how you will respond to what you have learned is a wise one.

I'm sorry you are going through this. My teen years were tainted by alcoholism in a parent and I really didn't know there were ways I could help myself. Everyone around me kept it a dirty little secret, so that's all I knew as "normal." It's only now after dealing with another addiction in my life, that I am learning a better way. What I've learned has helped me let go of that past too.
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Old 03-26-2008, 07:48 PM
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I was downstairs earlier, just to put some bottles of water into the fridge to chill. I've been trying to stay upstairs and away from the drama as much as possible, but any chance my dad has to talk to me he'll take. He apologized 4 times about telling me the same stories over and over. He said he wants me to not get mad at him, and that he wants to keep communication up with me, and he's jealous of my relationship with my mom. Now I know to some people that's going to sound like a good thing maybe, but I just wanted to start yelling. He's missing the point entirely. I'm not mad at him for acting stupid and telling me the same things over and over. I'm mad at him because he's been an alcoholic since I was born, and he did meth for 5 plus years. Why does he not see that?

As much as I want to just get it off my chest and lay it all on the line, I can't even tell you guys how certain I am that it's going to end in a huge uncomfortable weepathon that I really don't want to deal with. He's just not all there. He's trying to make himself feel better and be my friend while taking no responsibility for himself or his family. I don't even know what I'm asking, I'm just venting I guess.. because this whole situation is so messed up. Why does he feel like I owe him anything? He says we haven't talked much lately.. yeah if lately is 8 years. He only wants to talk now because my mom cut him off of booze for a couple weeks, and then he stole the car to go to the liquor store and buy a bottle. Only after that did he decide to be social and have all these ridiculous confessions and heart to hearts. I seriously can't listen to him hiccuping in the morning and saying um 500 times a minute anymore. If he snags me one more time and tries to have another talk with me, I'm gonna lose it.

I know I must sound like a jerk, but really.. I'm so fed up. I don't owe him anything, and I wish he'd leave me alone. I don't want to be friends. Unfortunately I'm trapped in the same house with him, and he doesn't seem to be letting up. If it keeps up, I know I'm going to verbally explode on him, and I promise that it would only end after he cried for hours and made me say I forgave him. I'd have to, just to get out of the conversation. There's absolutely no other way he would ever drop something like that. If I went upstairs to get away from it he'd call me and cry more and keep apologizing. I'd rather chew glass.

I don't know. Once again, I hope that makes sense. I do go back through what I wrote and do a proof read before I post, but it seems like I'm just rambling. I hope people know what I'm trying to say. At this point I'm wishing I could just pick up and move or something, but I can't even drive.
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Old 03-26-2008, 08:06 PM
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You don't sound like a jerk, you sound like a person who has had to go through more crap than anyone should have to. I wish I could say more to help, other than just hang in there or keep coming back to this site. I do think getting it off your chest will help, but it seems like you need more. Is there a relative you could stay with for a while? Someone mentioned talking to a school counselor, is that something you would be willing to do if it meant that you had to leave your home? I'm not trying to tell you what to do, only give you some options. When I was in high school, my best friend stayed with me for over a month while her family went through problems. It was hard for her at first, but it did seem to get better after that. Just try to take some steps for yourself, and take it easy on yourself.
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