Msguy

Hello everyone. I need to share my story for two reasons. First, to let everyone know what they already know-that cocaine is an evil, evil drug. Second, so that I can start moving on.

I met my fiancee about 2 1/2 years ago. She was one of the most wonderful-the kindest, most giving person I have ever known. she would give you her last dollar if she needed it. Plus she was beautiful, and funny.

Anyhow, after a few weeks together we both knew that we were meant to be a couple. I had been in a bad marriage before, and this was the first time I had experienced true, unconditional, romantic love. I couldn't wait for work to end to I could get home to see her. We shared so much together in that 2 years. Each of us had kids, and she was very proud of the fact that we had worked to hard to blend our families. We talked about growing old together, and the hope that brought me was beyond compare.

After a couple of months together, she told me that 2-3 years before we met, she had been raped, and developed an addiction to cocaine as a result (to numb the pain of the rape). But she went to treatment and was clean and sober when we met. During the 2 years together, she had a couple of relapses, but always straightened out.

But last fall her mother died unexpectedly, and it took a huge toll on her. She had several relapses after that. I begged her to go back to treatment. She said she could handle recovery on her own. I threatened, pleaded, moved out, etc. But I knew that she was going to have to decide for herself that she needed help. She had made an appointment with a counselor that was coming up. So she was moving in that direction.

A month ago, I came home on a Saturday and found her relapsed. I was angry and crushed. So I told myself that when she sobered up, I would tell her that I was postponing the wedding until she could stay sober for 6 months. When I went back to check on her an hour later, she was dead. The addiction and stress of the rape had weakened her heart, and she had a heart attack.

This was a beautiful and vibrant 40 year old woman. She did not need to die. She had everything in her life going right, for the first time in a very long time.I wish I could have done more, but as you know, the addict has to decide she needs help. Now I have to pick up the pieces and move on. The past month has been tough, but I'll get past it, I know.

I am a Christian. Before, I used to scoff at the idea of the devil on earth. But now I truly believe that cocaine is pure evil-the devil himself in powder form (I don't know much about crack and meth, but I suspect you could say the same thing about them).

I only hope that your addicts do not wind up like mine. If it helps, please share this with them

Thank you for listening.

jacksdaughter

OMG I am so so sorry to hear of your loss. You did all you could, we all know it is up to the addict. But being in a similar situation with my son you want to be able to do so much more. I can only imagine the heartache you must be feeling...I will pray for you.

kj21

Thank you for sharing your story. I can only imagine what you must feel. I often worry if my A will end up dead too. I am sure we all do. I will also pray for you. ((((HUgs))))

Chino

I am sorry for your loss, your children and hers.

My prayers are with all of you.

shockozulu

Reading your posts throughout the years, she seemed like a wonderful lady lost in addiction. My prayers for all of you this morning.

Msguy

Everyone-thank you so much for the replies.

I have learned so much throughout this. Three things stand out, however.

1. You can't "fix" everyone (or anyone, for that matter). People have to fix themselves, if they can. And for that matter, I now believe that some people can get so lost in their addiction that they can't ever get out. I'm not sure that I can reconcile that thought with God's grace, however.

2. Addiction doesn't discriminate. Good people, bad people, young, old, rich-EVERYONE has the potential to get snagged in it. This was a beautiful woman (inside and outside) with everything going for her.

3. Cocaine is an evil, evil drug. It is as if the Devil himself unleashed this on mankind. The real evil of it is that it lets a person feel as if they are in control and functioning-that they are basically sober. And before you know it, things are upside down. Unlike alcohol, where the process of bottoming out can take years, you can bottom out on cocaine in 30 days, in my opinion.

Thank you all so much. I can never bring her back again, but if at least one person learns from this, her legacy will be worth something.

peaceteach

Dear Msguy,
I am so sorry for your pain. Thank you for sharing. You are in my prayers today.

hello-kitty

My immediate thought when I read your post was "There but for the grace of God go I..." There is an AA/NA saying that some are sicker than others. Some people never get better. And we have no control over who gets better and who doesn't. That is why we have to "let go and let God". She is free from her addiction now but I'm sorry for your loss.

kelsh

I am so sorry for your loss. You are so right in the three things you wrote. I truly believe there are some people that want to quit and just can't stay quit.

They are lost in their addiction until something tragic happens. This is what happened to my son. I believe the drug/alcohol combination is bringing our younger generation to their bottoms or death much sooner than just the alcoholic with the alcohol.

My thoughts and prayers are with you and your children....so many feelings must be circling your house.... :praying

kelsh

bookmiser

((((((((Msguy)))))))





I'm so sorry for your loss. Please continue to share here. There are alot of great people that can give you support and an ear whenever you need one.

Heartfelt prayers from me to you,
Linda

katie44

I am so very sorry for your loss (((((hugs))))). Please keep coming back to this site, it will truly help you to heal. Prayers to you and your family.

Msguy

It is odd-all the feelings I have. I have a lot of sadness, of course. But there is also a sense of relief. I know she's at peace now. And selfishly I feel some relief thinking about how my life would have been with her battling addiction every day, and losing some days. Then there's guilt for feeling this way.

Finally there's a kind of a loss of innocence, or a reality check. I often thought about how I wanted my life to be with her, and the knowledge that it would not have been that way.

If I had to do it all over again, I still think I would have made the same decision. I would not have traded the last 2 1/2 years for anything.

Chino

What a beautiful way to honor her and what you had together.

outonalimb

Msguy,

Thank you so much for sharing your post.
I am so sorry for your loss.
And I agree with Chino...what a beautiful thing to say. I hope time brings you a greater sense of peace and acceptance.
You're in my prayers...

caileesnana

:sorry
Prayers for you both. You sound like a great person.
susan

hope213

i am sorry about all of this.. she knows where the help is & it is up to her to get it. coming back we r here for you. you deserve so much better. prayers for u both.

greeteachday

I'm so sorry that this horrible disease has cleaimed another beautiful soul. I lost my child to it as well so I think I understand a little about all the confusing feelings you are experiencing. I am glad you both had a chance to live with such a special love even though it was far too short. Not many people find that one incredible love.

I too believe our addicts are at peace and their struggle with this demon is over. My prayers to you and to the children.

Msguy

Thank you all. I re-read this about 4 times yesterday (yesterday was a "down" day-you know how it is). Anyhow, I appreciate all of the heartfelt responses.