I had a slip last night!!
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Join Date: Feb 2007
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I had a slip last night!!
MY AH has been out of the house for awhile and slowly killing himself on gallons of vodka in a sleazy motel down the street, hasn't left the place in days, has no food, has lost his job, pretty much a bottom I'd say but I know that is not up to me....I've had limited contact with him and last night the fear came back strong that he was in that room dead. God what a way to live, I am in recovery now and participating in the principals of Alanon but I called him and went over to the motel to try to give him some AA talk, to see if he has had enough and he talked about going to the hospital today. He wanted me to make the calls, take time off from work to take him etc. I didn't, I didn't make the calls, I didn't take him. I told him if he was sick to call 911 and an ambulance would take him. I just wish I hadn't gone over there because all the fear didn't leave me, it's worse again. I am praying to let go every day. I know you all know what I'm feeling and that is why I am sharing, sometimes it just helps.
I told his family, still no offer on my house. I'm hanging in there but now I feel like I have been pulled back in to his life again and don't want to be. I had a slip, I know I'm addicted to his problems and need to break away, I knew this when I called. I feel better talking about it. maybe some of you can identify.
Why did I call - out of concern, out of need to make myself feel better because I really think he is going to die there, I don't know. I just can't wait for the pain to stop. I'm ready for it to stop. I'm moving on and I have hope but I still pray for him..
Thanks for letting me share,
L
I told his family, still no offer on my house. I'm hanging in there but now I feel like I have been pulled back in to his life again and don't want to be. I had a slip, I know I'm addicted to his problems and need to break away, I knew this when I called. I feel better talking about it. maybe some of you can identify.
Why did I call - out of concern, out of need to make myself feel better because I really think he is going to die there, I don't know. I just can't wait for the pain to stop. I'm ready for it to stop. I'm moving on and I have hope but I still pray for him..
Thanks for letting me share,
L
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Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: South Africa, Pretoria
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Hi Loreena,
This is so weird - so many ppl in the same situation!? I didn't know...
I think you've really hit the nail on the head - we are addicted to their problems!
Now we just need to get out of that bad habit. It's so much easier said than done, I know! Heck, I'm still in the same place!
It was only human to be concerned - they don't get it do they. They cause us so much pain, but it's all about them isn't it.
We can only pray for help!
Go check out thread I made 'gorgeous motivation' - it really is gorgeous and heals so nicely where we need it
This is so weird - so many ppl in the same situation!? I didn't know...
I think you've really hit the nail on the head - we are addicted to their problems!
Now we just need to get out of that bad habit. It's so much easier said than done, I know! Heck, I'm still in the same place!
It was only human to be concerned - they don't get it do they. They cause us so much pain, but it's all about them isn't it.
We can only pray for help!
Go check out thread I made 'gorgeous motivation' - it really is gorgeous and heals so nicely where we need it
CindeRella is proof that a new pair of shoes can change your life!
Join Date: Aug 2004
Location: Spreading my wings
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Loreena-
I can relate to this-Not my husband but, my brother-Sounds like the same story-
He recently walked out of his half-way house as he was sober for close to a month (His MO) he put himself into a "sleezy motel" and buried himself in his vodka bottle. He made numerous calls to my sister, my one brother, my mom but mostly me! I did not answer his calls but, when I heard the messages of him crying and the pain he was in-it broke my heart. The last call I had gotten from him-was "I need help I'm in trouble I have to go to the hospital and I need you" well if that did not crush me! However, I live in NJ and he is in Florida. There is nothing that I can do for him and his choices that he has made to live his life this way-If he was able to call and leave that message for me he was able to call 911. For 2 weeks straight I wondered if he was dead in that hotel room-he called his son-and his son (who is an A among other things) and he called for an ambulance for him. He is now in detox again-
See it is as Laan stated "Human to be concerned" you love the person but, the choices they have made are not something that you can allow in your life. We can make choices that are good for ourselves which appears you are doing so-It is painful to see those we love go through this. Just as it is horrible to watch someone we love be in pain of any kind-They may stub their toe, break a leg whatever it is painful because we love them. But we need to detach with that love and take care of ourselves in this type of a situation!
Try not to beat yourself up over the call. It happens......be proud of yourself that you are aware of what you are doing now-and roll with that!
Prayers to you!
I can relate to this-Not my husband but, my brother-Sounds like the same story-
He recently walked out of his half-way house as he was sober for close to a month (His MO) he put himself into a "sleezy motel" and buried himself in his vodka bottle. He made numerous calls to my sister, my one brother, my mom but mostly me! I did not answer his calls but, when I heard the messages of him crying and the pain he was in-it broke my heart. The last call I had gotten from him-was "I need help I'm in trouble I have to go to the hospital and I need you" well if that did not crush me! However, I live in NJ and he is in Florida. There is nothing that I can do for him and his choices that he has made to live his life this way-If he was able to call and leave that message for me he was able to call 911. For 2 weeks straight I wondered if he was dead in that hotel room-he called his son-and his son (who is an A among other things) and he called for an ambulance for him. He is now in detox again-
See it is as Laan stated "Human to be concerned" you love the person but, the choices they have made are not something that you can allow in your life. We can make choices that are good for ourselves which appears you are doing so-It is painful to see those we love go through this. Just as it is horrible to watch someone we love be in pain of any kind-They may stub their toe, break a leg whatever it is painful because we love them. But we need to detach with that love and take care of ourselves in this type of a situation!
Try not to beat yourself up over the call. It happens......be proud of yourself that you are aware of what you are doing now-and roll with that!
Prayers to you!
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It is so good to post here, you guys really do understand. I am grateful I recognize this. I don't want to be going through this anymore, I think every day - am I going to get through this day and I pray alot. somehow I do get through the day.
We all will as we are willing to change, grow and learn from our mistakes, no it doesn't take away the pain but when I share and pray, I realize I"m not alone anymore, I was so isolated before, ashamed, humiliated, embarrassed and living a lie. Now I dont' have to do that anymore. it was the hardest thing telling the boys though, I wanted to spare them but they are adults and have to make up their own minds about their father. they have chosen not to go anywhere near him. I am the stepmom and they all have reassured me that they know I did everything I could and they love me. What more could I ask for, that is a blessing indeed.
I'm sorry for everyone elses pain too, I hate this disease. it takes everything from us, slowly and "thoroughly.
l
We all will as we are willing to change, grow and learn from our mistakes, no it doesn't take away the pain but when I share and pray, I realize I"m not alone anymore, I was so isolated before, ashamed, humiliated, embarrassed and living a lie. Now I dont' have to do that anymore. it was the hardest thing telling the boys though, I wanted to spare them but they are adults and have to make up their own minds about their father. they have chosen not to go anywhere near him. I am the stepmom and they all have reassured me that they know I did everything I could and they love me. What more could I ask for, that is a blessing indeed.
I'm sorry for everyone elses pain too, I hate this disease. it takes everything from us, slowly and "thoroughly.
l
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Darlin,you are an inspiration!
Name it, claim it, dump it.
You took responsibility for going there, and now youve dumped it here. Progress...not perfection, is what we strive for.
I remember the day a few years ago, I went to my ex husbands office to "Assist" him with some AA literature. Took the Big book there to give to him...er I mean TO SAVE HIM.
He yelled and screamed that I would not accept him unless he was in AA, and he wasnt going to AA until HE chose to go to AA. (Had been sober 4 years before relapse). yelled like a sucker....I cried and fell into wimpy despair.
That evening, he called to say "It was really nice to see you today"!
LOL....talk about insanity.
I survived....he supposedly is chemically sober, a year he says! But alas, no sign of spiritual sobriety. Im moving on.....a day at a time. YOu are too!
Name it, claim it, dump it.
You took responsibility for going there, and now youve dumped it here. Progress...not perfection, is what we strive for.
I remember the day a few years ago, I went to my ex husbands office to "Assist" him with some AA literature. Took the Big book there to give to him...er I mean TO SAVE HIM.
He yelled and screamed that I would not accept him unless he was in AA, and he wasnt going to AA until HE chose to go to AA. (Had been sober 4 years before relapse). yelled like a sucker....I cried and fell into wimpy despair.
That evening, he called to say "It was really nice to see you today"!
LOL....talk about insanity.
I survived....he supposedly is chemically sober, a year he says! But alas, no sign of spiritual sobriety. Im moving on.....a day at a time. YOu are too!
CindeRella is proof that a new pair of shoes can change your life!
Join Date: Aug 2004
Location: Spreading my wings
Posts: 7,163
Originally Posted by Loreena 
I'm sorry for everyone elses pain too, I hate this disease. it takes everything from us, slowly and "thoroughly.
l
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Join Date: Feb 2007
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Things have been taken from me, material things but the stuff that alcohol could not take is my love of life, my friends, my family and my AH kids, my gratitude for this forum, alanon, prayer, hope and belief that things will get better and for the best.
I have allowed AH and his disease to take take and take somemore but saying no now and protecting myself has become more important, a matter of survival. It took a long time (7 years) for me to see all this. what a miracle it is to have the courage to change and to take the first step to admit powerlessness over alcohol..
I have allowed AH and his disease to take take and take somemore but saying no now and protecting myself has become more important, a matter of survival. It took a long time (7 years) for me to see all this. what a miracle it is to have the courage to change and to take the first step to admit powerlessness over alcohol..
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Join Date: Dec 2004
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I always feared that if I asked my boyfriend to move out that he'd be found as a homeless man, dead in a ditch somewhere. After he moved out, he found himself a small efficiency apartment in the inner city--quite a rough area I'm told--and set out on a mission to drink himself to death.
I never visited him in his apartment--didn't even know the address--I liked it better that way. There was no way I could conduct a rescue mission or check in on him in a weak moment. All I had was his cell phone number. He called me from time to time to chat, but I rarely called him. The less I knew about what was going on in his life, the better. For years, I had tried to help him and get him the professional help he needed, but he'd have none of it. He'd made his decision to keep on drinking despite the loss of his home, his job, his family, his friends, and his health. It was his life to live as he saw fit. And it was my life to live as I saw fit.
I chose to stop watching him let his life slip away. He chose to drink himself to death. He was found alone in his apartment last June when neighbors complained about a foul odor coming from his apartment. He'd apparently been gone for several weeks.
It was painful to lose him that way, but not nearly as painful as it would have been if I continued to watch his progression downhill or worse yet, if I had been the one to find him.
Detaching from him completely was the only way for me to stay sane as he lived out his last days. It would have been absolutely too painful to watch. And though I still miss him, it's somewhat comforting to know that he's finally at peace.
I'm sorry you're hurting. I know how you feel.
I never visited him in his apartment--didn't even know the address--I liked it better that way. There was no way I could conduct a rescue mission or check in on him in a weak moment. All I had was his cell phone number. He called me from time to time to chat, but I rarely called him. The less I knew about what was going on in his life, the better. For years, I had tried to help him and get him the professional help he needed, but he'd have none of it. He'd made his decision to keep on drinking despite the loss of his home, his job, his family, his friends, and his health. It was his life to live as he saw fit. And it was my life to live as I saw fit.
I chose to stop watching him let his life slip away. He chose to drink himself to death. He was found alone in his apartment last June when neighbors complained about a foul odor coming from his apartment. He'd apparently been gone for several weeks.
It was painful to lose him that way, but not nearly as painful as it would have been if I continued to watch his progression downhill or worse yet, if I had been the one to find him.
Detaching from him completely was the only way for me to stay sane as he lived out his last days. It would have been absolutely too painful to watch. And though I still miss him, it's somewhat comforting to know that he's finally at peace.
I'm sorry you're hurting. I know how you feel.
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Formerdormat, gee, I don't know what to say to that, God your message hit me like a ton of bricks. These are the things I fear the most and although I don't know that this will be the outcome of my situation, I am sure because of his physical condition he will not last long.
I want to ask how you did it, how long you worried about him and had anxiety and fear and how you go on but I guess it doesn't matter. Our stories are so similar and I have to accept that if this is what he is going to do it has nothing to do with me. I have so much guilt still, I still want to save him but I know I can't but letting go of this is so hard for me as I am sure it was for you. I take the first step about 100 times a day, I know I am powerless. You are a power of example of someone who has lived through what most of us here fear and you are doing okay and are at peace as is your loved one. I thank you for your message, I thank you with all my heart. you are a courageous person. I am sure I am as well.
God bless
L
I want to ask how you did it, how long you worried about him and had anxiety and fear and how you go on but I guess it doesn't matter. Our stories are so similar and I have to accept that if this is what he is going to do it has nothing to do with me. I have so much guilt still, I still want to save him but I know I can't but letting go of this is so hard for me as I am sure it was for you. I take the first step about 100 times a day, I know I am powerless. You are a power of example of someone who has lived through what most of us here fear and you are doing okay and are at peace as is your loved one. I thank you for your message, I thank you with all my heart. you are a courageous person. I am sure I am as well.
God bless
L
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