Newcomer Needs to Write....
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2008
Posts: 697
Newcomer Needs to Write....
I found this forum while doing some research on the internet. I am new to this, so I hope you can bear with me. I am 37 years old and my husband is a meth addict. I think he’s been clean for some time. He says he has and the signs all point to this, but I don’t know how long it will be before I can say “yes, I know for sure he’s not using.” I think that will be a long time down the road.
I was 40 weeks pregnant when I found out that my husband was using. I had suspected for a long time. I could never find evidence. I didn’t look very hard. I remember finding a small packet of white stuff on our wedding night. It was on the bathroom floor. I never asked him about it. I just assumed it belonged to a friend of his. I think that’s where it started, the suspicion.
One day when he had been sleeping all night and had been sleeping for most of the day, I knew I had to know. So, I went through everything of his I could, in his desk, his studio, etc. I found what I was looking for.
A few days before this incident, he had become very angry at me, very irrational, so I thought it best not to try and wake him to confront him. So, I grabbed the cat, some clothes and wrote him a note explaining what I found and that I was leaving to go to my mom’s. It was a heart-breaking letter to write. It was 3 pages of me pouring my heart out. I went to my mom’s and sat on her couch (as fat as I could be with a baby) and sobbed, telling her everything. She cried with me.
He called later that night when he finally woke up—yelling at me on the phone. He denied it at first.
Him: It’s not mine!
Me: I don’t believe you.
Him: It was old stuff I found. I was planning to throw it away.
Me: I still don’t believe you.
(5 minutes of him ranting)
Him: I’ll take a drug test to prove it. (I think he was expecting me to say “no, that’s ok, I believe you now!”)
Me: Ok. I want to see you do it, though. I hope you can pee in front of me.
Him: (silence) – Hung up…
A few minutes later, he called back to tell me that he had been using. He was crying. He just wanted to talk. I went over there to talk to him, even though my mother begged me not to go. I had to call her the moment I got there. He fell to his knees, apologized, begged me not to leave, not to go. Said he would change. Said he didn’t mean to start up again (he had a problem with it years ago.) Told me he was sorry for lying, that he would do whatever it took. I said “ok.”
Three days later, I finally went into labor. He could barely drive me to the hospital because he was so tired—coming down off speed. We got there. They put me in my hospital room. For the next 12 hours, I was in labor. For the next 12 hours, he slept. A nurse came in at one point and said, “wow, he looks concerned.” My heart broke. This was supposed to be the happiest day of my life. First, my wedding night was ruined. Now, the birth of our child.
I was in pain for those 12 hours—gripping the sheets of my bed. The nurses and doctors came and went. I was alone. The doctor came in at 6am and told me that the baby wasn’t progressing, that she might be in danger and he would have to do an emergency c-section. How did I feel about that? Talk it over with my husband and the doctor would be back.
I couldn’t wake him up to ask him his thoughts, to get his opinion. Finally, I called my mom—who came and brought strong coffee. She was able to wake him up. He drank his coffee, managed to get the scrubs on and join me in the operating room. He held my hand. His eyes were red. He looked terrible.
My daughter was born. I cried when I heard her let out a wail. It meant she was ok. He got to cut the cord and hold her first, then show me. He cried like a baby all over her, all over me. It would have been touching if not for the fact that I was alone through most of it.
They finished sewing me up and he went with the nurses to watch her get her first bath. Then, they put me in recovery and brought her to me to try and nurse. It was our bonding time. We were both wheeled into my room. He was already asleep on the cot next to my bed where he stayed asleep for the next 20 hours. Family and friends came to visit me and I lied to each and every one of them. “He was up all night. He’s just really tired.” They only stayed a few minutes, so they didn’t know the truth.
He left that night to go home and get the house ready for me to come back. He has a problem with hospitals because his mom died of cancer. I understood and preferred him not there in my room, snoring away. I was only getting more and more bitter and angry. I bonded with my little girl. She and I share something very special.
I stayed at my mom’s the first week. I needed help and my husband had to work. I was so happy there, at my mom’s. It was clean. I wasn’t worried about meth in the walls, in the carpet.
When I finally had to go home, I cried inside. The entire trip, I dreaded it. I wanted to vomit. I didn’t want to go back to that house, to where I had found all that “stuff.”
When I did get back, I learned he had cleaned the carpets because he knew I was worried. But, that’s all he had done over the last week. The baby’s room wasn’t organized. The living room/kitchen was a mess. He was so happy with himself that he had cleaned the carpets. While I organized the baby’s room (a week after having the c-section,) then did the dishes, then cleaned up the living room, he slept.
He slept for another week after. I was so angry, so utterly angry, but at least I knew he wasn’t using anymore. In the past, he would go on binges where he never slept and he would be on the computer for 12 hour-stretches. At least he wasn’t using. I had to take the lesser of two evils.
It took us weeks to mend--even a little--from that. No, it took months. Every day when he would go to work, I would go downstairs to his study and look for any evidence. It became an obsession. I thought about it every day—every hour. Every time he went to the store to pick something up, I wondered if he was going to get drugs.
Things seemed ok. He got back to normal. He didn’t sleep all the time. He kept normal hours. Then, a few nights in a row, he didn’t come to bed. He was up. Then he got sick with a cold and was out for 5 days. He slept most of that. I knew he had relapsed. I was right. I found it. Took the baby to my mother’s, then returned to confront him.
Deny
Deny
Deny
We went through all off that again, until he fessed up. I told him I wouldn’t come back until he could do a drug test, until he got help. This “self-help” method wasn’t working. He agreed.
A week later, he was clean. He did the test. He’s been in recovery since (6 months now.) I know that’s a drop in the bucket for many recovering addicts. I worry all the time he’ll go back to it, that he’ll choose it over me and our baby. I have nightmares that he uses again. I had one an hour ago. I’m up at 5am writing this. I can’t go back to sleep.
I know our marriage can’t survive another hit. I can’t make it through another relapse. That’s the God’s honest truth. And part of me is waiting for the other shoe to drop. I am very good at hiding it from him and the world, but there’s a small bit of me that waits.
I don’t want to be intimate with him because I still don’t trust him completely. He told me once that I forgave him, that means I forget it and we move on. I had to tell him, “Have you ever heard that phrase? Forgive and forget? They’re two separate things.” I don’t know that I’ll ever forget.
I just keep hoping that one day, I’ll wake up and think to myself, “wow, I didn’t worry about meth for the last few days.”
Not yet. I’m not there. I feel like a zombie in my own marriage. I plan to visit some kind of support group: alanon or the like. I need help on this. I am not doing well. I talk to him about it. He’s open now. It’s not “The elephant in the room” that we never discuss. We can discuss it. His words just don’t help me. His support doesn’t help me. If the trust in our marriage was a physical being, a person, then it’s like he has murdered it with his bare hands and buried it in the back yard. A part of me, a very small part of me, hates him for that—hates him just a little.
Will I ever be able to let go of this? Have I really forgiven him? I don’t know.
Thank you for reading. I think I just needed someone to witness these words, to see them. I don’t know what I expect. I just needed to write it and get it out there in the universe. Get it out of my head, even if for a few hours.
I hope that someday I can let it go, put it into Gods' hands. I need God now. I ask for God's help every night, but I always wake up feeling empty. I am silly enough to tell myself, "Maybe I'm asking wrong? Maybe I'm not doing it right." Maybe I just need to keep trying.
Love and light to you all.
ZW
I was 40 weeks pregnant when I found out that my husband was using. I had suspected for a long time. I could never find evidence. I didn’t look very hard. I remember finding a small packet of white stuff on our wedding night. It was on the bathroom floor. I never asked him about it. I just assumed it belonged to a friend of his. I think that’s where it started, the suspicion.
One day when he had been sleeping all night and had been sleeping for most of the day, I knew I had to know. So, I went through everything of his I could, in his desk, his studio, etc. I found what I was looking for.
A few days before this incident, he had become very angry at me, very irrational, so I thought it best not to try and wake him to confront him. So, I grabbed the cat, some clothes and wrote him a note explaining what I found and that I was leaving to go to my mom’s. It was a heart-breaking letter to write. It was 3 pages of me pouring my heart out. I went to my mom’s and sat on her couch (as fat as I could be with a baby) and sobbed, telling her everything. She cried with me.
He called later that night when he finally woke up—yelling at me on the phone. He denied it at first.
Him: It’s not mine!
Me: I don’t believe you.
Him: It was old stuff I found. I was planning to throw it away.
Me: I still don’t believe you.
(5 minutes of him ranting)
Him: I’ll take a drug test to prove it. (I think he was expecting me to say “no, that’s ok, I believe you now!”)
Me: Ok. I want to see you do it, though. I hope you can pee in front of me.
Him: (silence) – Hung up…
A few minutes later, he called back to tell me that he had been using. He was crying. He just wanted to talk. I went over there to talk to him, even though my mother begged me not to go. I had to call her the moment I got there. He fell to his knees, apologized, begged me not to leave, not to go. Said he would change. Said he didn’t mean to start up again (he had a problem with it years ago.) Told me he was sorry for lying, that he would do whatever it took. I said “ok.”
Three days later, I finally went into labor. He could barely drive me to the hospital because he was so tired—coming down off speed. We got there. They put me in my hospital room. For the next 12 hours, I was in labor. For the next 12 hours, he slept. A nurse came in at one point and said, “wow, he looks concerned.” My heart broke. This was supposed to be the happiest day of my life. First, my wedding night was ruined. Now, the birth of our child.
I was in pain for those 12 hours—gripping the sheets of my bed. The nurses and doctors came and went. I was alone. The doctor came in at 6am and told me that the baby wasn’t progressing, that she might be in danger and he would have to do an emergency c-section. How did I feel about that? Talk it over with my husband and the doctor would be back.
I couldn’t wake him up to ask him his thoughts, to get his opinion. Finally, I called my mom—who came and brought strong coffee. She was able to wake him up. He drank his coffee, managed to get the scrubs on and join me in the operating room. He held my hand. His eyes were red. He looked terrible.
My daughter was born. I cried when I heard her let out a wail. It meant she was ok. He got to cut the cord and hold her first, then show me. He cried like a baby all over her, all over me. It would have been touching if not for the fact that I was alone through most of it.
They finished sewing me up and he went with the nurses to watch her get her first bath. Then, they put me in recovery and brought her to me to try and nurse. It was our bonding time. We were both wheeled into my room. He was already asleep on the cot next to my bed where he stayed asleep for the next 20 hours. Family and friends came to visit me and I lied to each and every one of them. “He was up all night. He’s just really tired.” They only stayed a few minutes, so they didn’t know the truth.
He left that night to go home and get the house ready for me to come back. He has a problem with hospitals because his mom died of cancer. I understood and preferred him not there in my room, snoring away. I was only getting more and more bitter and angry. I bonded with my little girl. She and I share something very special.
I stayed at my mom’s the first week. I needed help and my husband had to work. I was so happy there, at my mom’s. It was clean. I wasn’t worried about meth in the walls, in the carpet.
When I finally had to go home, I cried inside. The entire trip, I dreaded it. I wanted to vomit. I didn’t want to go back to that house, to where I had found all that “stuff.”
When I did get back, I learned he had cleaned the carpets because he knew I was worried. But, that’s all he had done over the last week. The baby’s room wasn’t organized. The living room/kitchen was a mess. He was so happy with himself that he had cleaned the carpets. While I organized the baby’s room (a week after having the c-section,) then did the dishes, then cleaned up the living room, he slept.
He slept for another week after. I was so angry, so utterly angry, but at least I knew he wasn’t using anymore. In the past, he would go on binges where he never slept and he would be on the computer for 12 hour-stretches. At least he wasn’t using. I had to take the lesser of two evils.
It took us weeks to mend--even a little--from that. No, it took months. Every day when he would go to work, I would go downstairs to his study and look for any evidence. It became an obsession. I thought about it every day—every hour. Every time he went to the store to pick something up, I wondered if he was going to get drugs.
Things seemed ok. He got back to normal. He didn’t sleep all the time. He kept normal hours. Then, a few nights in a row, he didn’t come to bed. He was up. Then he got sick with a cold and was out for 5 days. He slept most of that. I knew he had relapsed. I was right. I found it. Took the baby to my mother’s, then returned to confront him.
Deny
Deny
Deny
We went through all off that again, until he fessed up. I told him I wouldn’t come back until he could do a drug test, until he got help. This “self-help” method wasn’t working. He agreed.
A week later, he was clean. He did the test. He’s been in recovery since (6 months now.) I know that’s a drop in the bucket for many recovering addicts. I worry all the time he’ll go back to it, that he’ll choose it over me and our baby. I have nightmares that he uses again. I had one an hour ago. I’m up at 5am writing this. I can’t go back to sleep.
I know our marriage can’t survive another hit. I can’t make it through another relapse. That’s the God’s honest truth. And part of me is waiting for the other shoe to drop. I am very good at hiding it from him and the world, but there’s a small bit of me that waits.
I don’t want to be intimate with him because I still don’t trust him completely. He told me once that I forgave him, that means I forget it and we move on. I had to tell him, “Have you ever heard that phrase? Forgive and forget? They’re two separate things.” I don’t know that I’ll ever forget.
I just keep hoping that one day, I’ll wake up and think to myself, “wow, I didn’t worry about meth for the last few days.”
Not yet. I’m not there. I feel like a zombie in my own marriage. I plan to visit some kind of support group: alanon or the like. I need help on this. I am not doing well. I talk to him about it. He’s open now. It’s not “The elephant in the room” that we never discuss. We can discuss it. His words just don’t help me. His support doesn’t help me. If the trust in our marriage was a physical being, a person, then it’s like he has murdered it with his bare hands and buried it in the back yard. A part of me, a very small part of me, hates him for that—hates him just a little.
Will I ever be able to let go of this? Have I really forgiven him? I don’t know.
Thank you for reading. I think I just needed someone to witness these words, to see them. I don’t know what I expect. I just needed to write it and get it out there in the universe. Get it out of my head, even if for a few hours.
I hope that someday I can let it go, put it into Gods' hands. I need God now. I ask for God's help every night, but I always wake up feeling empty. I am silly enough to tell myself, "Maybe I'm asking wrong? Maybe I'm not doing it right." Maybe I just need to keep trying.
Love and light to you all.
ZW
Forum Leader
Join Date: Aug 2002
Location: In my little piece of heaven
Posts: 2,870
Hi ZW and welcome. You've come to the right place! There are many here who have had experiences similar to yours.
What has helped many of us is this: read, read READ the stickies here on the forum. Many of us have also read Melodie Beatty's book Co Dependent No More. I have found much support and help by attending face to face Al Anon meetings. (you can often find a phone number in the blue pages in your local telephone book)
It sounds like you already know some of the basic stuff, like the three C's : you didn't cause it, you can't control it and you can't cure it. What you can do is work on yourself and make good choices for yourself and that precious baby girl. I've learned that I can be happy, content, serene and have a wonderful life regardless of whether or not my partner or child is using drugs or alcohol.
Others will be along soon to say hello and to share their stories.
Hugs
Cats
What has helped many of us is this: read, read READ the stickies here on the forum. Many of us have also read Melodie Beatty's book Co Dependent No More. I have found much support and help by attending face to face Al Anon meetings. (you can often find a phone number in the blue pages in your local telephone book)
It sounds like you already know some of the basic stuff, like the three C's : you didn't cause it, you can't control it and you can't cure it. What you can do is work on yourself and make good choices for yourself and that precious baby girl. I've learned that I can be happy, content, serene and have a wonderful life regardless of whether or not my partner or child is using drugs or alcohol.
Others will be along soon to say hello and to share their stories.
Hugs
Cats
Member
Join Date: Aug 2006
Location: limbo
Posts: 2,849
welcome zombiewife
your not alone, many of us are or have been where you are right now. The fear and the waiting its just horrible.
Addiction is a cunning disease but There is hope, MANY do recover( we have people here on SR that are proof that recovery from addiction is possible) ........................ but many do not.
One thing that was helpful for me to finally learn is the addiction and the drugs isnt about love. It doesnt matter how much I love him or how much he loves us...............until hes ready to find and keep recovery for himself love just isnt enough.
As Cats said its important to take care of you and your baby.
The reading helps alot, at least it did for me. My suggestion is you keep coming back here to SR, read and learn as much as you can and try to focus on you and your baby girl.
Hang in there, your not alone....................
best wishes
your not alone, many of us are or have been where you are right now. The fear and the waiting its just horrible.
Addiction is a cunning disease but There is hope, MANY do recover( we have people here on SR that are proof that recovery from addiction is possible) ........................ but many do not.
One thing that was helpful for me to finally learn is the addiction and the drugs isnt about love. It doesnt matter how much I love him or how much he loves us...............until hes ready to find and keep recovery for himself love just isnt enough.
As Cats said its important to take care of you and your baby.
The reading helps alot, at least it did for me. My suggestion is you keep coming back here to SR, read and learn as much as you can and try to focus on you and your baby girl.
Hang in there, your not alone....................
best wishes
Member
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Okanagan BC
Posts: 328
Hello and welcome to SR. I am glad you found this site and i hope it brings some kind of peace to share your story and read others. You are not alone. My husband is addicted to coke/crack. He is in recovery...on and off for 18 months, but it is a long, long hard road. we have seperated because I can't go through it any more with him. The lies, the denial, the mood swings. Keep reading and praying.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2005
Location: Seeking Peace
Posts: 1,371
Zombiewife...
Welcome to SR ! you are among friends here...
The addict in my life is my exhusband. He started using heroin when our son was about 3 years old...I stayed for several years...waiting for the other shoe to drop.
The lies...the denial...the insanity of it all...
I used to feel trapped...but I learned (with alot of help from my family here at SR) that I could take control of my life and stop living in fear regardless of what my exah did.
Slowly but surely, I took control of my life back. Its a process. The support and encouragement on this site have been a real blessing for me in this journey. I hope it is for you too.
Welcome again to SR...
I'm so glad you joined us.
Welcome to SR ! you are among friends here...
The addict in my life is my exhusband. He started using heroin when our son was about 3 years old...I stayed for several years...waiting for the other shoe to drop.
The lies...the denial...the insanity of it all...
I used to feel trapped...but I learned (with alot of help from my family here at SR) that I could take control of my life and stop living in fear regardless of what my exah did.
Slowly but surely, I took control of my life back. Its a process. The support and encouragement on this site have been a real blessing for me in this journey. I hope it is for you too.
Welcome again to SR...
I'm so glad you joined us.
Administrator
Join Date: Mar 2006
Location: a better place
Posts: 4,047
Hi ZW...Your story really touched something in me. How terribly sad that the joy of a new birth is so tainted by this horrible disease. There was an incident that happened while I was still in the hospital after my youngest daughter was born that is absolutely nothing compared to what you have described and I know how sometimes still, many years later, I think of it and feel sadness. Some moments can not be recaptured.
But that too is part of our own recovery from the affects of addiction in our lives. I've learned that I can stay in the sadness or fear or anger or I can find a way to let it out (instead of stuffing...I was a queen feeling stuffer) accept it and move past it to what I can control...me and my reactions and actions. I hope that you found sharing your story was a start towards the journey of healing.
I hope you will stay awhile and that you do try some face to face Alanon or Naranon. I've found both to be true life savers as I have dealt with the devastation of addiction. Hugs to you and your sweet baby.
But that too is part of our own recovery from the affects of addiction in our lives. I've learned that I can stay in the sadness or fear or anger or I can find a way to let it out (instead of stuffing...I was a queen feeling stuffer) accept it and move past it to what I can control...me and my reactions and actions. I hope that you found sharing your story was a start towards the journey of healing.
I hope you will stay awhile and that you do try some face to face Alanon or Naranon. I've found both to be true life savers as I have dealt with the devastation of addiction. Hugs to you and your sweet baby.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2003
Location: twilight zone,usa
Posts: 3,909
i can feel your pain. i am sorry your husband is doing this. it is a hard road with an addict & sad as it is you can do nothing about it. he has got to want to get clean. he can not do it for you or the baby,he has got to want to do it for himself. i can not tell you to leave him or stay. you have got to make that choice. it does not mean he does not love you. the drug is powerful, it has got a hold on him & it is only going to get worse. keep coming back here & learn to take care of yourself. i am saying prayers for you,him & the precious baby. hugs,
Member
Join Date: Mar 2005
Location: Over Here!
Posts: 15
Originally Posted by ZombieWife 
If the trust in our marriage was a physical being, a person, then it’s like he has murdered it with his bare hands and buried it in the back yard. A part of me, a very small part of me, hates him for that—hates him just a little.
So many aspects of your tale are very similar to what I've experienced with my crack addicted husband (whom I just left after 12 years on the roller coaster. When they came to shut off the power 3 days after my Little One had surgery, I had finally had ENOUGH.) He had three modes: High (which made him generous to the kids, overly friendly and "happy"), Pissed off (howling and rampaging: punching holes in walls, killing small appliances..)
and sofa coma, (where he could sleep for 48 hours straight. Really scary, because for a long time I was working every day, and had no idea that this sofa coma was happening- - while he was "watching" our 3 year old.)
Even my 8 year old saw the "Three Phases of Dad".
I know that addicts CAN recover, if they want to badly enough. It happens evey day. And I know that if he DOES choose to stay clean, and you continue to love him, despite his faults, the trust will gradually rebuild. The hardest part to deal with is the constant suspicion that you describe so well.
I wish you the best of luck, with your family. Whatever happens with your hubby, that little girl is MOST important! Don't let her grow up watching her Dad self destruct, if that's the path he chooses.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2008
Posts: 1,287
Originally Posted by ZombieWife
My heart broke. This was supposed to be the happiest day of my life. First, my wedding night was ruined. Now, the birth of our child.
I joined SR last week after finding it while looking up Al-Anon meetings. I can honestly say, that in only a few days, I have felt so much better just being able to share and have people say 'hang in there'. I am glad you have shared with your mother, I think that shows that you are not afraid to admit that your husband is an addict and that you know its not your fault. (I am always too ashamed of him to talk about it with anyone and I don't want others to look at him as badly as I do)
My husband's drug of choice was meth, at least until he found prescription painkillers. I have learned that when I suspect it, it is happening. If you stay with him, the signs will become familiar. I have never been wrong, unfortunately. Trust your instincts.
My heart goes out to you. I hope you keep coming back. Take care of your little one and yourself first and foremost. If you do try to work it out with your H, he needs to do the work with his own recovery. We can't do it for them......
Member
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Seattle, WA
Posts: 3,335
Oh my Gawd! Your labor and delivery experience was exactly the same as mine!!!!!!! My boyfriend managed to get me to the hospital. Then he slept in a chair the entire time - well, first, he left after he dropped me off at the hospital, showed back up 4 hours later higher than a kite, then crashed for the next 2 days in my hospital room. Never woke up once - well that's not true, occassionally he would eat the food that they brought into my room. Even when I had visitors, he just slept. I just kept telling people, don't mind him, he's tired from having a baby! 
doh.
OMG. The absurbity of the whole situation makes me laugh now. THANK GOD I'm not making his problems my problems anymore. I rely on me and my HP and that's it. My son is 2 1/2 and yeah, he misses having his dad around. But I sure wouldn't want him to go through the hell I went through. Better to just leave it alone. Yes I still care. But from a distance. He still manages to create a little chaos in my life. After all, he is my sons father, he'll probably never disappear completely. Thank God I don't have him as a permanent fixture in my life anymore or it would be unbearable.
I sure hope your husband stays clean forever but I hope that for your own health, and the mental-wellbeing of your child, that you have clear boundaries drawn and that you follow through on the consequences if he ever violates them.
Take care.
doh.OMG. The absurbity of the whole situation makes me laugh now. THANK GOD I'm not making his problems my problems anymore. I rely on me and my HP and that's it. My son is 2 1/2 and yeah, he misses having his dad around. But I sure wouldn't want him to go through the hell I went through. Better to just leave it alone. Yes I still care. But from a distance. He still manages to create a little chaos in my life. After all, he is my sons father, he'll probably never disappear completely. Thank God I don't have him as a permanent fixture in my life anymore or it would be unbearable.
I sure hope your husband stays clean forever but I hope that for your own health, and the mental-wellbeing of your child, that you have clear boundaries drawn and that you follow through on the consequences if he ever violates them.
Take care.
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