whatnow2

Ah went to help a friend move yesterday. Well any time away from home is an oppourtunity for him to drink(and possibly other things) and I was 99% sure he'd get smashed. Well he didn't come home til 3am and he was smashed. I was half asleep when he came in.

He went and slept on the couch. He does this when he is drunk so he doesn't sweat and get food all over the sheets. I made him wash the linens after the last time and he hasn't slept there since.

Well this morning the family(me, AH and 3 kids) were ecxpected at my sister's for our big family Easter celebration. I tried waking him at 10:00am. He was soaked in sweat and had half eaten chocolate on him. He yelled that an hour was not enough time to get ready and I said we'd wait. He said he'd meet us there.

5 hours later he hadn't shown up. When we got home, he was gone. I called and he hung up on me. I called back and he said I was giving him attitude(all I said was I was dissapointed) and treating HIM like crap. He started screaming at me and told me to f off and then hung up. I never raised my voice or said anything critical of him. I simply said I was dissapointed. He screamed and yelled so loudly, it was unbelievable.

I can not think of anything I said that could have elicited that response. I have a big fear that he is doing coke again. He didn't bring any $ home from this moving job and he says he needed to go back today. I think he's out buying something. The person he was helping was the brother of his good friend who has been in recovery (succesfully) for years. I've contemplated calling the friend to let him know what is up with my AH and see if there's anything he could do, but is that "rescuing"?

I don't plan on putting up with this forever, but financially, there is no way I could leave right now. I'm working to get in a better place financially. I just can't believe he ditched us for Easter and has the b*lls to scream and swear at ME!!!!

prodigal

You are trying to engage an addict when he's "romancing" his addiction. Don't be disappointed or amazed. He's doing what addicts do and you are, in his mind, interfereing with HIS business; namely, his boozing or drugging.

I've learned the hard way not to attempt verbal engagements, even on a sane level (in my opinion) with my AH when he's drinking. I was asking for a heap of trouble and that's just what I got. My AH construed just about anything I said as critical, or he turned my concern around on me and made me out to be the b**ch. Regardless, I quit trying to make sense out of nonsense a long time ago. And I also stopped being insulted.

After all ... he was doing exactly what addicts do. Addicts are angry people. Period. When they're using, you have a loose canon on your deck. Me? I keep to myself and mind MY own business.

I'm sorry you are going through this. I don't think involving his friend would help at this point. It doesn't sound like the addict in your life wants help. He wants to be left alone.

sailorjohn

Wow, I can relate. My A-soon to be ex-so always manages to find fault with me when I call her out on her behavior. Always. Don't take it personally, and do try to start taking care of yourself.

denny57

What could you do differently next time?

Once I figured that out, life got much, much easier.

Good luck!

whatnow2

I need help with this part... What should i have done? Not let him know I was dissapointed? I would be lying if I acted like I wasn't. Do I need to get to the point where I am not dissapointed, and just know that in his "state" he will not behave how I would expect a decent person to behave. I know we need to be happy for ourselves, but darnit, this stinks, for me and the kids.

And, yes, sailorjohn, he definitely will blame me for every single thing he does. He drinks because "I don't love him", or I'm "ignoring" him, or I'm treating him bad because I don't clean up his messes. I can't win.

I just can't think of anything I could have done differently and now the text messages are starting...he texted me "Happy now?" "You don't know sadness like I do"

I texted back, "I just wanted a nice day." I'm done texting. I'm going to go read my codependency book.

Thanks

denny57

That's a great start, in my opinion. Nothing and I mean NOTHING I did sunk in, not once in 20 years.

I tell him I'm disappointed, he doesn't care.
I tell him I'm disappointed, he goes out to drink.
I tell him I'm disappointed, he screams at me.
I tell him I'm disappointed, he turns off his cell phone and ignores me.
I tell him I'm disappointed and he texts me and tells me his life is miserable.
I tell him I'm disappointed, he misses Easter dinner and lets me down.
I tell him I'm disappointed and he drinks all night and has to sleep on the couch due to his sweating and food habits.

Who was the one who wouldn't or couldn't learn, him or me?

I had to become willing to learn or I could not demand it of someone else. The more I learned, the more I realized I had no control over anyone else's actions but my own. Have you tried Al-Anon?

whatnow2

Wow! Seeing it like that kinda hit me like a ton of bricks. Thank you so much.

really_fed_up

And, yes, sailorjohn, he definitely will blame me for every single thing he does. He drinks because "I don't love him", or I'm "ignoring" him, or I'm treating him bad because I don't clean up his messes. I can't win.

Sounds like my AS! Classic, eh?

peaceteach

I really support Denny's focus on LEARNING as much as you can, whatnow2. Knowledge is a powerful and enlightening tool for us. Read, read, read. And trust that this much repetition of the same stories with the same outcomes can't just happen to others and not you. Don't lose your own grasp on reality just because your A thinks HE knows better. He is wrong, and you are right. Period. His thinking is not normal, not adult, and not sane. Yours can be when you accept this present state and realize that your future will read exactly like most read on this forum. Trust the commonality.

You can have a different future. So can your A if he so desires someday. But you definitely can. It's simply a choice to say, "I am sick of this and I'm not gonna take it anymore." So read here, read Melody Beattie, read the Alon books, and focus on yourself for once, not him. You have the opportunity to change your life and that of your children if you are willing to do the work. Wake up every day and tell yourself, "I am going to start moving forward today on this mission, and I'm not turning around in my direction anymore." Arm YOURSELF with some new ways of thinking and some really good survival tools. Begin your journey by opening your rational mind, not your emotional one, to what you are reading here every day and up in the stickies. You are in a very unique and exciting place to find a forum like this one with such a wealth of combined knowledge. Look at the numbers. I have never seen a forum with this many members. I am awed by the pearls of wisdom I've gained by insightful and honest women and men. My gosh! It's just people, everyday people all over this world sharing their journeys of survival through very sad and discouraging times. But together, in huge numbers, the message is constant, doesn't waver. To me, that is truth, and I trust it.

I was outraged by a big, stinking, sweaty louse on MY couch. It was just madness and also so disgusting and sad. I can't believe that I tolerated another human being to bring that behavior in my home now. I can't believe I was sucked down so low that I found it right there in my home at all. This is just not normal behavior from a partner or husband. My A thought he knew it all, and I believed him for a long time. But I was wrong to do that, when in my rational mind I knew no one personally who would have put up with that from ANYONE, particularly someone who lived in their home. It was incredibly challenging to follow through on separation and ultimately divorce, but I knew that it was not the way I wanted my home to feel. I think a home should be a safe haven, a wonderful place that you can't wait to get to after work or a long vacation. You must want this for yourself too, Whatnow2. Any sane, rational thinking person would. Trust your disgust. It will tell you that this is no way to live the one life you have.

Serenity8

I am new to this board too and I just read and read and can't believe how much we all have in common, how similar the disease is and how it permeates everything.

The more I read in these forums, the clearer my path is becoming. Thank you for sharing your post, I have BTDT many times; he couldn't get out of bed on Christmas and the day was so disappointing to me and I did succeed in putting on my happy face for my kids when all I wanted to do was crawl into bed myself. I have 2 small kids and I am a SAHM and I also struggle with picturing our life down the road, too, but I also feel like THIS reality, this limbo, this life of living on eggshells, is hell in its own way.

FormerDoormat

I joined this forum because I was not living the life I wanted to live. I, too, was living with an alcoholic, and his behavior was deplorable. I spent 24 years trying to change his behavior and make him see how he was disappointing me and our family.

But the only thing he could see was the drink in his hand. The only thing he could think about was alcohol. The only thing he cared about was making sure he had an endless supply of booze.

Eventually I realized that the only way I was going to live the life I wanted to live was to figure out what I wanted in life and then go out there and get it. For me, that meant becoming financially independent, getting emotionally healthy, ending my relationship, and living life on my terms.

Once I stopped expecting an alcoholic to act like a responsible adult I was able to stop obsessing on what Richard was doing and start focusing on taking the steps I needed to live the life I wanted to live.

Some people may come along and suggest that detaching from the alcoholic is the answer, but I was not able to detach from Richard as long as I was trying to coexist with a drunken, self-centered, and miserable man.

For me, ending the relationship was only solution.

Pajarito

HOW do I do this? How do any of us do this?

Whatnow2- I have been separated from my AH for 6 months- and I am still trying to figure this out. I think doing everything you can to help yourself is all you can do- read, journal, therapy, al-anon, think about what you want. Yesterday was a bad day for me, but I decided not to call the usual sounding boards- my mom and sisters. I wanted to think- just sit with my pain and see what happened. No aha moment, but I am slowly coming out of my funk. Reading the posts on this forum always helps. There are so many wonderful people going through the same crap- and having good days- and even lives- which is what I'm striving for too. All I can say is BTDT. My AH will not look at himself. I am his problem. Well, I know better. Intellectually I get it- it's the emotional part of me that really screws me up these days.

Thanks for your post- I am learning some things from it too. (((Take care)))

sam0518

I am brand new to this board but reading what you all say is like being hit in the face again with a toaster, (once happened from my alcoholic husband). Right now I live with two alcoholics, my husband and a 25 year old son. As I read what you say about deciding to start my own life over again I know I have to but I am scared to death! It is so over whelming I don't even know where to start.

I am afraid that I will lose everything I have worked so hard for these last 19 years because of these two people. I am afraid I will be alone forever. I am afraid of making the wrong decision. Guess I am just so confused and afraid my mind in not even capable of making any decision even though I know in my heart that I am tried of the verbal and physical abuse. Sometimes when you think this could only be your insane life and you read what others are going thru also it helps.

Right now I have no job, because of operations that I had to have and so that is really scary too. I have no other family to turn to and the two alcoholics that I have in my life is all I have. How do you make the first step? How do you communicate with two people who just don't see the crazy world that they have helped to create? I just feel numb, I feel like I am unable to even move today after a really ugly weekend.

denny57

I took three "first" steps. I saw my family doctor, saw a therapist and went to my first Al-Anon meeting, all in one week. Could you start with one of those? You are not alone in this - once I started looking, I found there was help everywhere.

One of the things I learned from all three was this: stop trying to communicate with two literally insane people.

Have you ever contacted a woman's abuse hotline?

Glad you are here - keep posting!

best

His own inner battle and disappointment in himself is why he lashes out at you.
We won't beat ourselves up so we look for an easy escape and most times it is the person closest to us.
Yes his words and actions hurt but they are not personally tied to you, only directed "at" you.
Solution...
Boundaries that will keep your space at a state of peace.
Take care of your needs as he will do what ever he will do. He wants to be rude, you don't need stand there and listen to it. Walk away to another room if need be or in calm tones let him know that isn't acceptable and the phone call will end if he doesn't stop the rude comments.
Boundaries protect your space to keep it at peace...use them.

lilac

He knows what he's done, and he is not happy with himself, so he lashes out at you. Don't let him be the center of what makes you feel good or bad. (It's hard, I know). Hugs to you.

Shivaya

In answer to your question above, this is what I would do if I were in your situation (and I have been in your situation)....

I would not even try to wake him up. I would calmly say "we're leaving for _________ in _______ minutes. And leave it at that.

I know how stressful it must be to have your husband passed out on the couch, in the morning, and you and your children waiting for him to wake up so you can have your day together. You and your children deserve better than this.

And I don't think there is anything wrong with letting him know that you are disappointed. Don't know if it will get you anywhere, but certainly you should be allowed to express your own feelings/thoughts.

Set Boundaries. What behaviors are unacceptable to you? What will you absolutely not live with? And what will you do if these boundaries are crossed.

My AH has told me that he will never quit drinking, although he is trying to "moderate" his drinking. We've been together for almost 20 years, and this disease of alcoholism has progressively gotten worse each year.

I have chosen to stay in my marriage. So I've set some boundaries. I can live with his drinking, as long as he does not drink in front of me or the children. Yes, this means that he cannot drink in his own home, but he has agreed to this. We celebrated Easter yesterday, and he did not drink. If he does drink in front of the children or I (this did happen a few weeks back, when he was offered and accepted a beer from a friend), then I will remove myself and children from the situation (if I can).

If he drinks to the point of passing out/blacking out, I will ask him to leave and I will file for legal separation. This one is non-negotiable. I have been cleaning up his "messes" for far too long, and now I know better, so I have no excuse to continue accepting unacceptable behavior.

All that being said, through counseling, alanon and reading on this site, I am beginning to understand that his disease is only one of our problems. There is so much more to it than that (i.e., my codependancy, enabling, etc., etc.).

I can only take care of myself, my spiritual needs and my children. I cannot change or cure him. He has to do it for himself, if he wants to.

Try to do something special for yourself today, that will bring a smile to your face and joy to your heart!

Shivaya

Miss Pink

If this has happened before, and yet your asking again "How could this happen"....

then you've got some denial going on.

I dont ask *Why* or *How* anymore....cus the answer is always the same.

NOTHING changes til SOMEONE changes.

He hasnt changed....but you can. Do you work an Al-anon program?

FormerDoormat

Fear kept me in a miserable relationship for 24 years. Fear was my excuse for failing to take control over my life. Fear kept me dependent on others and stuck in a hell of my own making. My life changed drastically when I began to move forward despite being afraid.

Fear will always be a part of my life. But I won't let it hold me back or keep me from living the life I want to live any longer.

sam0518

you know what is funny, I read what you say and I know that it is the right thing and yet I feel so powerless to do anything. I feel almost hopeless. I talk to people about this and they tell me to leave and I just don't. Stupid right. I guess I just keep hoping something will change some time. I hope today has taught me life is just to short to not try. I just feel stupid for living the way I do. Don't know what to say beyond this.