Jules62

...a bundle of emotion and nowhere to go with it.I'm on day 17 after relapsing over the Christmas/New Year period, but I'm not new to sobriety in a sense.The time I clocked up before doesn't really seem to matter this morning, however, because it was mostly a good experience for me-I felt better each day, had more energy and was generally happy with my life.

I am anything but happy this time.I am seeing some things more clearly-I drank for revenge(stupid) I drank because I was angry(still am) and I mostly drank because I felt so effing invisible in my life-and I still do.

I don't even know the point of this post but I need to vent so feel free to ignore this-I'm really used to that(someone please pass the matches to set fire to me in martyr mode-will ya? lol)

Drinking didn't stop me from feeling like this-but it did numb me to some degree in that I would only experience my anger-not the hurt and sadness that was underneath it all.Today I feel like I could cry forever but I don't allow myself tears very often.I'm pretty tough as a rule and I can't stand crying so I don't.Yes-I'm aware this isn't healthy but it's the truth.

The weird part today is-I don't want to drink.I 'know' in my bones now, that it wont make anything better.I have finally 'got' playing the tape through and I'm more determined than ever not to go back there.That isn't my struggle.What I can't grasp is-what do I do with all these emotions?I go for walks, I bake, I do anything to burn off some energy but in many ways it feels like avoidance too.The feelings abate-but I'm still not addressing the source am I?

Also-because I'm so angry-mainly with my husband(who made the mistake recently of saying 'You're a much nicer person when you're not drinking'.Bet he wants to take that back right now.I'm the distant b*tch from hell lately), the things I used to do to help me dont work. Baking?Today I'd make cookies for him yes-if the recipe involved massive amounts of tabasco and too much salt.

I dont know how to engage my emotions when all they seem to be are resentment and anger.So I am superfically going through my days being 'nice' but as distant and unreachable as hell.And I dont know how to get through that.I don't feel love, I don't feel anything good-but I'm a great actress and again-my own worst enemy because nobody notices.

I am left feeling like it makes no effing difference if I drink or not.I'm still the invisible woman.I know I partly drank to see just how bad I had to get before he would say something and he did absolutely nothing.When I finally told him I had a problem and was going to an AA meeting he replied 'I'd noticed the wine bottles in the recycle bin were increasing in number'.

Thanks so much for that.

God, I'm rambling here.I'm sorry.I just don't have a clue where I'm going. I really don't have a desire to drink but I'm feeling like no one would give a crap if I did anyway and in all honesty that hurts.(even though I know my sobriety isn't about anyone else-it still bothers me)

Rant over.Thank you for enduring this non sensical post.

Julesxox

LosingmyMisery

Working the 12 steps help me sort through all my anger and resentments. I never thought it would make a difference. I was amazed by the results. I have been able to put the past down and walk away.

Dee74

I *would* give a crap.

So would a lot of others here.
:ghug3

And I'm proud of you for facing this and bringing it here

You're just over 2 weeks sober, and you've just accepted that drinking's no longer an option. You're looking at the things wrong around you, and they look immense.
You're gonna be...fraught.

I know it's pat...but things do get easier. You get through it.
You change what you can, you achieve an accomodation with the rest.

But, focus on the immediate for now. Be good to you - if others see that as selfish - tough...biscuits.

Deal with the Big Things later,Jules.
I lent on my friends *big hint*

I wish I had some answers for ya...
add some ginger to the biscuits ?

<- to the corner


D

adore79

Hi Jules,

What I can really relate to in your post is the part about being a good actress. I'm so tired of having to fake cheerfullness and put on the mask in public. While I'm screaming at everyone on the inside. Do they even care I wonder often. Would I be committed if I acted the way I really felt? Anyway, good thread!!

CarolD

Ditto! I too was at the change.
I also gave up expecting others to change.

and we are here to your victory!

nogard

Tritto. The steps the fellowship and being connected to a loving HP allowed me to look at my past and myself, clean house and live life.

Kevin

Anna

Yeah, I wonder that too Jules.

Are you expecting your husband and family members to change and act differently? I went through a long phase like that and I was miserable. It did drive me to drink more, which ultimately led me to stop drinking. Since then, I have tried to focus on changing myself and how I look at things in my life, and somehow it works.

least

Jules, I would care. Your post stirred something inside me. I drank for a lot of the same reasons. PLease do whatever you need to do to be happy and whole. Go to meetings. Get a sponsor. And find your Higher Power wherever it may be. Please do what is good for YOU. I care.:ghug3:praying

Hevyn

Count me among those who would most definitely give a crap. You were missed the last time you went AWOL, ya know? I have very similar feelings. Some are just now coming to the surface with a little over 2 mos. without my anesthesia. I drowned those feelings & shoved them deep down inside & now, damn it, they're back. This time they have to be dealt with. It is hard to learn to live again. Keep forging ahead - it's inevitable that things will change for both of us. Love to you, always - Joanie

Jules62

Thank you all for your responses.Just hearing that people here do care means an awful lot from where I'm sitting.I am genuinely grateful.

Anna-you're right.I am expecting the people around me to change and yes, it makes me miserable.I think I'm still in brat mode with that 'Well-how come I have to be the one to make all the damn changes when part of the reason I'm drinking is YOUR behaviour?'(LOL-I know-it's ridiculously childish-blaming others gets me nowhere-but if I'm honest, that really is how I feel)

Obviously, it's my attitude that need to change.I need to deal with my resentment.This really isn't fun but I know it's necessary.

If nothing else, I'm glad I don't want to drink.That is a minor victory for me as this situation is what used to trigger me terribly.I guess I'm going to have to find a new way to deal with my emotions.Just allowing them to 'be' is hard for me.

Anyway-again-thank you all for your support and input.I do appreciate it.

Julesxox

Dee74

Thinking about you.
Hope today's a better day for you Jules ?


D

Rowan

Hi Jules,

I can identify with much of what you shared.

My sponsor called me today because I've been skipping meetings and not calling her. I became depressed again, and began isolating - again. Although I have worked through the steps several times, there are areas that I wasn't ready to look at - I am now. Those before me who have worked the steps, and who continue to do a personal housecleaning, are the ones who seem to be living a serene and sober life.

It's time for me to amp up my own recovery, and to share some secrets I no longer wish to hold onto.

I still feel invisible some days, and am filled with self-loathing, but I'm also mad. I'm going to use this anger in order to take action, and to start doing the work that needs to be done. My way isn't working anymore.

Just know that you aren't alone, my friend, and I'll try to remember the same.

The one thing that has worked for me time and again is to keep the focus on me and on my recovery. If I start looking at my boyfriend or my boss or my crappy job or whatever - I'm bound to start seeing the negative traits they all possess - which all, ultimately, keep me from looking at ME. Take all of that shite away and that's what I'm left with - ME. This doesn't mean it's time for self-flagellation, but more like an honest appraisal of how I am contributing to what's happening in my life.

Hang in there sweetie - hope you get to another meeting soon. We need people.

Jules62

Thanks Ro and yep, it's about focusing on me-not them.I find that extremely difficult to do right now, but I understand it's the only way out of this.I'm sorry you're struggling with similar issues too. *hugs*

How am I today? Miserable really. I'm not angry.I just feel defeated-like I've been trampled over one too many times.All I want to do is cry.

Jules.

Dee74

I scoured the smilies for something appropriate Jules...didn't find it...
but here - if it helps, you can throw rocks at me...





just hope you're feeling better
D

stone

Hi Jules, in a way I expected things to get better than they did when I quit. At 6 months sober I was ANGRY and resentful and I drank, it's a bit like the revenge you spoke of-though we both know it only hurts us. As you know I have drank a few times since then, coming back from slipping is hard.

I think the others have given some good insights, I just wanted to say, I know how you feel and give you a

ImJulie

Sometimes I feel as if Im just clinging on by my fingernails....you know?
Best advice Ive recieved is to LET GO.
May you find peace today. :-)

Jules62

Thanks Dee, Stoney and Julie.

Today is a better day.I guess it's going to be up and down for a while. The past 5 days have really been hell-huge amounts of stress that I've never gone through before without drinking.That in itself is something I guess I can be proud of.I did have thoughts about it-but I am so determined to not give in-and they pass.

It's interesting-if I focus on myself and what I need-what others are doing around me matters less and less.It's like I'm taking my hands off their lives-stuff I can't control anyway-and trying to attend to my own life, thoughts and feelings.It really does make a difference.I'm not 'happy' by any means, but I do feel like this is a lesson I'm beginning to learn.

Again-thank you all for listening and offering me some insight.I am truly grateful

Julesxox

gypsytears

I so needed to read something like this today. Thank you Jules. I think you've received some excellent advice and you already know and see what needs working on with 'yourself' (not much I might add... you're pretty damn wonderful!).

I know how you feel about the husband... believe me. Forget about the cookies. Waste of time.

Try this:

:brick

Good job on the alcohol free time...it does get easier.

It gets different.

It gets better.

Oddman

So many people would give a crap if I drank. How can there be so many people that just want to see other succeed at sobriety? This is wonderful. I'm still in class tonight, and the 7-11 across the street is SCREAMING my name to get my beers for the car ride home, but knowing that so many people care is sobering. I need to find a meeting in my area. I need to talk with my wife. I think she will be so relieved to hear that I am trying this. That I am doing this. A lot of times she doesn't believe me until I have stuck to my word, and I have broken that too many times; what time will you be home, don't take any money out of the bank, how many beers did you have today, why do you hide the empty cans in the trash, where the f*** were you, I was worried sick, SLAP!! Does the desire to drink ever leave you? My dad has been sober for 25 years (his birthday was just last month) and I always want to ask him if his desire has left him, but I don't. He goes to meetings every day still. I was wondering if this was due to his desire to still drink, or to just get out of the house away from a toxic relationship with my mom. His last drunk was when I was 4, so drunk that he couldn't find his way home from his brothers house. Got lost on the freeway. I guess a counseling session with my parents when I was younger said that I may have deep seeded issues that may have to be addressed becasue of this incident. I have no recollection of this. But I'm starting to think that I may have inherited my families history. 3 dead uncles, one from alchol, 1 from cocaine OD, and one from Heroine OD (this last happened 4 years ago while I was in college, he was sober for 6 years, and just finished his masters preogram, God I miss him! and get so pis*ed at him too!!). Sorry, at lunch in school and trying to keep my mind off of beer. I think about drinking alomst every minute that I am not consuming myself in something else, e.g. this board. Thank you everyone! This was going to be a short post, but my fingers just kept typing. Thank you again..........

Jules62

Love the brick idea Gyps-LOL. Thanks You always know how to help me feel better.I'm thinking of you too,

Love, Julesxox