lostnow

Unfortunately I'm coming to realize my AH is not going to change. I believe is drug use is causing or contributing to an under lying mental illness. I know all to well what sings of by-polar and manic depression are he's acting like that. Is moods change drastically from one minute to the next. He says needs no help now he quit drugs on his own so he's fine now. I know I can't make him get the help believe me I know.

I have decided it's over and will go next week for child support. I also looked into meetings and there aren't any close. I'm looking into therapy I still love him not sure why and help dealing with all my crazy emotions.

One thing I'm lost on is my MIL do I call and tell her everything? I'm so pissed at her and have been holding back because she's let my kids down and I don't think it should have any thing to do with them. If I divorce her son she's still going to be their grandmother, she can't change that. He said she would disown him if she knew everything. I just think it's not right what she's doing and she should know the truth even though she probably won't believe me. I also think she will try to put me through hell if I do fill for divorce. It's not right I'm here struggling and his family's like poor him I'm the evil b who kicked him out.

itisatruth

Hang in there....keep doing what you think is right for you and your kids. As for your MIL, this is only my opinion, but it seems to me she isn't a positive person in your life, and right now you need all the positive you can get. Maybe write her a letter instead of call, that way you won't need to hear any negativity about your choices or yourself. And if she really wans to be a good grandmother, she can take the first step.

splendra

I hope you get a lawyer before you attempt any communication with his family. I personally don't think it will take long for his family to know the truth. I would not doubt it they suspected something already.

Take care of you and your kids keep the focus on you not him. That is one of the things they will tell you at meetings. Prayers going out for you.

BayAreaPhoenix

Sounds like my situation - at least the story I've been told. Supposedly has quit the DOC, but not gotten help other than perscriptions to help with anti-dep. and anxiety. I haven't spoken to my MIL. There's been times I've felt like I should, but then I haven't. I think they know their son, probably lots better than I do, and if they don't want to see it, nothing I tell them is going to change that.

That's what I've done so far - but also, I don't have kids.

Good luck with all!

lostnow

I wish I could get a lawyer I can't afford one and that scares me, cause I won't put it past her to try and help him pay to try to take everything from me which is basically nothing but still. She'll be damned if she thinks they will get my kids. That's why I thought of talking to her but I think you guys are right I shouldn't it may just make it worse.
I was doing good last week worrying only about me and my kids, then my AH starts spending the credit cards again and not paying the bill
He ended up making a payment but spent more than he payed. I'm just so freaking scared he's going to ruin everything and I can't stop it.

splendra

Most lawyers will give a free consultation make a few appointments and tell them your story I am sure one of them will tell you how to get free help. Don't put this off.

Serenity8

I could have written so much of what was in your post, including the spouse with underlying mental illness and the MIL in complete denial. When I approached my MIL for help with my husband because of his addictions, she went into complete denial mode and within a year she 1) accused me of having an affair and 2) blamed me for his addictions, said I put too much pressure on him.

So (big breath here) the only thing you can do is take care of you. You can't control how your MIL is going to act toward you or toward her grandchildren. You can only control how you choose to react to it. You need to do what you have to do for yourself; keep the focus on you and what your MIL does or doesn't do can't be a consideration.

Blood doesn't define family and if she chooses to cut out her grandchild, that is HER loss. If that is the kind of person she is, then you might consider whether you want your child exposed to her. And you said it was your husband who said she'd disown your child? It's possible that he is just saying whatever he can to put doubt in your mind about taking the next steps you are planning to take.

Hang in there.

lostnow

I'm sorry I wasn't clear
My husband said she would disown him not our kids. She said to me all she cares about is the kids but it's just crap. She hasn't even called to see how they are and at this point she won't be seeing them again.
It's just sad the whole situation I feel like I'm the only one trying here and getting no where.

Serenity8

lostnow, she has her own path to take in dealing with her son's illness. You can direct her to Al-Anon or Nar-Anon, too, but that's about all you can do.

I'm sorry you're hurting

GiveLove

lostnow,

You're not lost, I don't think, you just need to draw yourself a map to a better place -- I know it's hard because you're mad and sad and scared and thinking your world revolves around your husband's behaviors and choices, but maybe if you just try taking small steps, one at a time, one small thing a day, you will find you have more power than you think.

In almost every community or state or province there is some sort of publicly funded or reduced fee legal aid or legal assistance. Look it up on Google or the Yellow Pages where you are. They can tell you what your legal options are.

I wish you luck.....remember, small small steps, one at a time, will get you where you want to go. Your focus should be on a loving,normal life for your kids, free of the chaos. They are helpless in this situation and are depending on you to keep them in a safe, calm spot.....and try to consider that it might be a GOOD thing that their grandmother has not been in touch, if she is not willing to be supportive of your efforts to keep their lives safe from addiction.

Bean

You know I was, am in your shoes. I made the choice to tell MIL everything. I looked at my son one day and thought if it were him and no one told m, his mother, I would be devestated. To me she has a right to know.
She will be in denial, she may say things you don't want to hear. But also remember we have had a much longer time to get to where we are, much longer to process it all. You say you are leaving your AH, this isn't a overnight decision. She will need time to work through her emotions all the same! Just my opinion, giver time!

lostnow

I as a mom would want to know and when this all started I told her a lot not everything she played dumb and acted like she only new about the drinking.
She still choose to enable her son putting him up in a room yet she can't even do what she said she was for my kids birthday.
I think for now I will wait hold my tongue, take care of my kids and me.

imallright

Lostnow... I love the advice to draw yourself a new map. It is all about you and your kids at this point. Find some legal help... it's out there and take care of you. You deserve better. As for your MIL, IMO... it's not yours to share. Your H owns the problem. I too have struggled with how do I relate to my MIL now that I have made my decisions. Unfortunately, my AH has decided he is not saying a thing to his family about the issues or my decision to end the marriage until all is settled. Doesn't want to worry them. I have to respect that and will deal with the fallout when it comes. Having started down this path once before, I know that I will be in for a ton of denial and blame shoveled at me, but I still know what is right for me and will need to be strong... yes, I am convincing myself as much as sharing right at the moment!!! Take care of you and love and prayers your way!