Serenity8

My "qualifying" person that brought me to Al-Anon is my husband. But he doesn't drink often (though on the rare occasions he does drink he drinks too much). He smokes pot, and occasionally abuses a prescription drug he is on for ADD. His biggest issues, though, are a porn addiction and binge eating. Oh, and he has spending issues too, and he's a work-a-holic. And since we're letting it all hang out, I suppose I should mention his anger-management issues, too.

In the beginning stages of going to Al-Anon, I felt like I didn't belong there, but I kept going back, because I needed *something* to hold me together and it seemed like a place where I could trust people and open up. But after a while, I realized I *was* just like them, completely co-dependent and focused on someone else's behavior.

But now that I am here, at this site, where do I belong? Because my husband doesn't abuse narcotics or alcohol, is there a place for me to post? He has the "ism" just like many of your loved ones, but it just manifests itself differently.

laurie6781

Welcome Mizserenity to SR. You have found a great place!!!!!

Post away. Here it is about "OUR" Recovery, not theirs. We talk about our actions and reactions and how we can change us not them.

So, please feel free to rant, vent, cry, and laugh. Let us know how you are doing, we do care.

As an alkie in recovery, with 3 years, my sponsor strongly suggested I start attending Alanon IMMEDIATELY and it took me a while to figure out why. Well I was married to a 'sober' alkie, however, he took his 'ism' and started gambling.

It was in Alanon that I first heard about the 3 C's:

I didn't CAUSE it,

I can't CONTROL it, and

I can't CURE it.

And it didn't matter what 'IT' was, lol. Alanon has been a very important part of my life now for almost 24 years. It was Alanon that enhanced my AA 12 step program and taught me how to live life and deal with 'others' (be they alkie, addict, or whatevers) in my life.

So again I say POST AWAY. You have found a great place with lots and lots of Experience, Strength, and Hope (ES&H) and with lots of folks that are willing to share their ES&H.

Welcome.

Love and hugs,

Serenity8

Thank you, laurie.

And I am at such a frustrating point in my recovery. I finally retained a lawyer earlier this year to begin divorce proceedings, and my husband knows this. Once he found out he started making promises of all the changes he would make, said he would do ANYTHING to keep us together. I said I couldn't make any guarantees (and I can't, but also, I need him to go in to recovery FOR HIMSELF, not as his last resort to keep our marriage together). So, we went to a therapist on Wed and the therapist recommended intensive outpatient rehab. He was given a list of numbers to call. My husband swore up and down that he was ready for this, and that he'd make the calls.

It is now Saturday, calls haven't been made. I know I shouldn't have expected anything, but I feel so discouraged. When he made the therapist appt for us, I think the flicker of hope started growing a teeensy bit bigger. Now I realize it was just my denial.

I still have a lot of paperwork to complete in order to file for divorce and I've really been procrastinating, so I think I just have to keep trucking along and complete it regardless of what HE is doing. That was my plan and I can't change my plan just because he decided to make me empty promises... again.

Thanks for reading.

GiveLove

You are in the right place, mizserenity. Laurie says it great above.

And you can take baby steps -- tiny little steps, one a day, or one every week, at whatever pace keeps you moving perceptibly toward your own happiness.

Bravo to you for knowing that he has to change for HIM, not for you. And bravo to you for believing that you deserve a better life than this --- even if it means a big and potentially scary change of scenery.

The world is your oyster, mizserenity. Pry it open, see what pearls are out there to find.

lostnow

I understand about losing hope my AH has always said I don't have a problem, you meet me this way and can't change me. He was right I can't change him. I was ready to file divorce cause he refused to leave, he was gone from my home for a week and just showed back up one night. I had had enough but he came to me apologized said he need help and had a problem for the first time ever. Rehab lasted 4 days and well here I'm hopeless I to expected so much his looking and going into on his own the rehab that gave me so much hope and before I knew it was gone.
I believe you just have to stick with the boundaries you set for yourself.

imallright

All well said... HE has to do it for him. You need to take care of you. Stick to the boundries, even when you feel like you can't stand up another second... been there and there at any given moment, any given day... BUT with the help and support of this forum, my counselor, my friends and family, I am growing stronger and stronger. I am not a particularly religious person, but I do believe that a HP has a plan and shows us the way in a mysterious fashion. Listen and observe the world around you... take responsibility for you and it is amazing how the path will open up.

nytepassion

Good intentions fall prey to the addiction. More than likely when he said he would do any thing he meant it and when he swore up and down he would make calls he was going to... and because he didn't doesn't mean he won't ... because now the seeds have been planted (seeds that he has a problem and needs help for it) Now the question is when will he stop wrestling with denial and get the help he needs .. and no one knows the answer to that question .. it could be days, weeks, months, years or ????? .......

And it sounds like you have made the decission that you can't continue to live the way you are living now and have a great need for change (a change that would keep your marriage intact) but are still holding off on going on because "hope flickered" that he'd wake up, snap to and get it together ... a last hope that seems to be fading for you.

I can relate because I've been the one filled with good intentions making all kinds of promises to get help, but doing nothing to obtain the help I needed, because deep down inside I didn't think I needed help (denial) ...

I needed help and didn't know it .. people telling me I needed help bounced off of me like a ball hitting a wall .. (but them telling me unknowingly planted a seed in my brain that would later take root, sprout and begin to grow) and one day I realized I needed help.

Many moons had past since the first person told me I needed help before I actually cried out for it and during that time many more people told me I needed help .. even some of my drug friends backed away from me saying that I was too out there for them ... people that loved me left me to my addiction hoping that would shake me to the core and wake me up, but it didn't (not right away at least) It wasn't until I was so absolutely miserable in my own skin and with my own life that my wake up came .. though it came in the idea of killing myself to get away from this miserable life instead of getting off dope ... by the grace of God ... instead I cried out for help and got devine intervention ... Many years my loved ones hope flicked and then faded .. I think there was alway a little glimmer they held onto as they went on with their own lives without me in it ... if they had put their life on they'd would have had no life at all except for a miserable one and the shattered dreams of the life they wished for.

I can also relate because I have been with my ex where you are seem to be with your husband. My ex made me all kinds of promises and his intentions were good, but he just couldn't keep them .. because his addiction was far to powerful and it bulldozed over every promise he made. Ultimately his addiction left me no other alternative, but to leave and make a life for myself and my children (apart from him) .... and unfortunately 10 years later my ex lost his life to and because of his addiction.

Passion

bookmiser

(((((mizserenity)))))



I'm Linda and the mother of a 26 yo recovering heroin addict.
He's been clean of heroin for 2 years. It's been a long road.
That's what brought me to sr.
I was raised in an alcoholic family, married an alcoholic, had 2 children, divorced, and found out about my son when he was 19.
There's lots of great people here. I'm glad you joined us and hope you
continue to share and learn to focus on and take care of you.
So keep coming back.
Your among friends,
Linda