Tabithacat

My A bf is 68 days clean. He did 2 months in rehab and got put on a 30day standown last week.

I hesitantly said he could stay with me, only on the privision that he went to meetings and classes daily, because his other safe place is out of the city and he can't do that there.

It's been a challenging week, but he has certainly started to change and it has been great to see that.

However... he said I could read his writings from classes, and I did. And it seems he's not been quite as honest as he makes out. Seems he's in contact with his ex still (who he was with during his worst time of using), and he told me that he wasn't.

I'm not angry so much that he's in contact with her, although I do think it's rather foolish right now, but I know she is in early stages of getting clean and they go to some same na meetings.

Whats really fu**kg me off is that he tells me he's being honest with me, and he's obviously not!! It's such a disappointment.

I suspect it's beacause he's worried I'll flip if I know he's having contact with her, which I certainly am not impressed by, but it's way more about the honesty.

I'm just so disappointed. How am I supposed to trust him when he does this?!

Ann

My thoughts are that it depends on the relationship with the ex. If there are children involved, then it's pretty much necessary...but from your post it doesn't sound that way to me.

I don't think I'd care to share a relationship with an ex. I don't think I'd care to live with anyone who lied to me about these things, even if they 'fessed up later without a solid plan to assure me it would never happen again. And I don't think I'd want to spend my life wondering what he was up to.

But that's just me.

I'm sending hugs and prayers because I know this isn't easy for you. It's easy for me to say because I'm not in that situation, but in the end only YOU can decide what's right for you.

Hugs

NoelleR

You've gotten a couple of good responses, both here and on your similar thread in the Friends and Family of Alcoholics forum. For me honesty is a key in relationships......and triangles; I just don't like em......

I do have one question, as I didn't get a really clear picture from your original post.....is this guy still saying he's not in contact with his ex....? At first, I thought that perhaps he'd realized how dishonest he'd been with you, and due to guilt and shame, and not knowing how to approach you (or in fear, perhaps)......perhaps his way of opening to honesty was to let you read what he'd been writing; obviously he'd have to know you'd learn that he'd been in contact with his ex.........? just a thought on a different perspective...obviously this doesn't diminish the original dishonesty.....who knows.......young in recovery is a heck of a place to be.....and new relationships can be trouble enough, and add an ex into the mix.....?

Work on yourself; what do you want? Life's too short to be living all the time for someone else..... (o:


NoelleR

itisatruth

hi tabithacat

"he tells me he's being honest with me, and he's obviously not!! It's such a disappointment. "

my H does that too, lies to me when I already know the truth. He knows I check our bank account and phone records, so he knows I will eventually find out what he's up to, yet he still does it, and then lies.......UGH!! When I confront him, he says he was too afraid to tell me cuz I'd only get mad at him (weird logic).
Anyways, I wonder if your he let you read that stuff as a way of telling you without telling you, if that makes sense.
Does all this help with the trust issue? Probably not, I am still trying to figure it out. Just thought I'd let you know I feel for ya....

Miss Pink

I found that to expect total honesty in the first year was insane. 68 days is diddly poo in his recovery.

GIve him time....expect the lies to continue...sorry to say, it takes a long time to get really honest with yourself first, then others.

If you can accept that his behavior will not improve rapidly, youve got a good chance for peace.

Tabithacat

Thank you all, yes I agree it may wewll be his way of telling me, too scared to tell me directly, to let me read it. He siad it was ok for me to read it. And something similar has occured in the past. Whether it's consciously or via our HP's, I do think I was supposed to read it.

I do realise, he's had a long long time, almost a lifetime of lying, and that's it's not easy to stop lying, even though I do believe he wants to. Thank you for reminding me on that Miss Pink, it's still early days even though it does feel a long time. I think I'm expecting too much too soon and not letting myself be in peace because of it.

I read today the quote re oak trees growing stron despite the wind and diamonds being made under pressue. Smooth ride this is not and will not be.