Bored and lonely...
Bored and lonely...
So I am about 20 days into my sobriety and I am bored and lonely. The solution to my problem is seemingly simple. Take a walk, read a book talk to a supportive friend or family member. Problem solved. This is proving to not be so easy for me right now. There is somthing that needs to be said regarding personal barriers that one may experience while "trying to pick up the pieces" of life. I have run into an emotional wall. I feel socially inept. I want more than anything to have close friendships and meaningful interaction so badly but cant seem to utter a smile and a hello to a friendly well meaning stranger waniting to help me. I think this is seriously impeding my recovery because I am too scared to ask about sponsorship in AA--I am even to frightened to ask to purchase a copy of the big book! (I bought it at Hastings finally on my own!) I go through the motions daily. I dont drink, I go to meetings and hide silently in the corner. I feel like I am almost sabotaging my recovery!
I have never really seen myself as a shy person but I can't seem to get over this hurdle. I get more and more anxious in social situations as time passes. My brain is so mixed up and i am not sure what to do. Any suggestions? Will this pass? This is so frustrating!
-Super shy sober Crispy
:praying
I have never really seen myself as a shy person but I can't seem to get over this hurdle. I get more and more anxious in social situations as time passes. My brain is so mixed up and i am not sure what to do. Any suggestions? Will this pass? This is so frustrating!
-Super shy sober Crispy
:praying
hi super shy sober crispy -
congratulations on TWENTY DAYS!!!!!!
you'll be collecting your thirty day coin soonly!
one thing you cannot call me ... is shy.
BUT ... in early sobriety ... yeeks.
I remember at one point - I sat up and stated -
"omg I've forgotten how to hold an intelligent conversation"
and got up and left.
Don't be discouraged.
I often OFTEN ... would just get up and leave the club.
Just 'time to go'.
Some of it is what's ghoing on with you physically.
Some of it is the disorientations (you like that word? I made it up)
of not knowing what to do inside a sober mind in a sober social setting ..
(good luck spitting that one out with a lisp)
maybe stay after the meeting and empty ash trays (if it's a smoker)
or empty trash ...
or come in early and straighten chairs ...
set out cookies (if y'all do that kind of thing)
make coffee ...
stay and wash cups...
(to this day - I disapprove of styrofoam at AA meetings for that very reason)
it's hard... I know.
especially if you've stumbled
(no pun intended)
onto a group where no one has taken the initiative to be the greeter.
but remind yourself....
it was also hard
going to that first meeting wasn't it?
and YOU DID THAT, too!
It will not pass... unless you choose to do something about it.
but it will ... get easier.
congratulations on TWENTY DAYS!!!!!!
you'll be collecting your thirty day coin soonly!
one thing you cannot call me ... is shy.
BUT ... in early sobriety ... yeeks.
I remember at one point - I sat up and stated -
"omg I've forgotten how to hold an intelligent conversation"
and got up and left.
Don't be discouraged.
I often OFTEN ... would just get up and leave the club.
Just 'time to go'.
Some of it is what's ghoing on with you physically.
Some of it is the disorientations (you like that word? I made it up)
of not knowing what to do inside a sober mind in a sober social setting ..
(good luck spitting that one out with a lisp)
maybe stay after the meeting and empty ash trays (if it's a smoker)
or empty trash ...
or come in early and straighten chairs ...
set out cookies (if y'all do that kind of thing)
make coffee ...
stay and wash cups...
(to this day - I disapprove of styrofoam at AA meetings for that very reason)
it's hard... I know.
especially if you've stumbled
(no pun intended)
onto a group where no one has taken the initiative to be the greeter.
but remind yourself....
it was also hard
going to that first meeting wasn't it?
and YOU DID THAT, too!
It will not pass... unless you choose to do something about it.
but it will ... get easier.
Forward we go...side by side-Rest In Peace
Join Date: Jun 2002
Location: Serene In Dixie
Posts: 36,740
Good to see you again!
At your next meeting....look around for another shy female.
Go over and say Hi and sit down.
By helping her you will help yourself.
To get acquainted when I moved ...I went to the meetings
15 minutes early to help out. Or I stayed to close up.
It's a good easy way to get acquainted.
Sponsorship? Look on the literature rack for
"Questions & Answers on Sponsorship"
It's full of information and very useful.
Congratulations on your sober time....
and Yes! it does get much easier.
At your next meeting....look around for another shy female.
Go over and say Hi and sit down.
By helping her you will help yourself.
To get acquainted when I moved ...I went to the meetings
15 minutes early to help out. Or I stayed to close up.
It's a good easy way to get acquainted.
Sponsorship? Look on the literature rack for
"Questions & Answers on Sponsorship"
It's full of information and very useful.
Congratulations on your sober time....
and Yes! it does get much easier.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: Carmichael California
Posts: 3
I hear you crispy. I was always shy when it came to the opposite sex, so I thought drinking would help take the edge off. All it did was get me addicted, then through all the beer and binge eating while drunk I put on 150 pounds. So now I have a drinking problem, and weight problem, and my self esteem is even worse hahaha.
The best part is it can be lonely living alone, and beer has become my companion. So instead of having a human companion and became a slave to beer that did nothing but bring down my health, my spirit, and my ability to handle stressful situations.
I did sober up for 16 months and life does get a whole lot better. Just always be on guard. You dont relapse right away, it is usually a slow process. Hope that helps.
The best part is it can be lonely living alone, and beer has become my companion. So instead of having a human companion and became a slave to beer that did nothing but bring down my health, my spirit, and my ability to handle stressful situations.
I did sober up for 16 months and life does get a whole lot better. Just always be on guard. You dont relapse right away, it is usually a slow process. Hope that helps.
Hey Crispy
An Idaho hug to you.
I think recovery takes different forms for different people. I think we all tend to magnify our greatest "issues." Whatever they are.
Is shame a big issue for you? It sounds like it may be. It was for me during my first recovery. It no longer is (the greatest issue). There are things you can do.
Sometimes different issues arise on different days. Today, out of nowhere, I am feeling grief. Haven't felt that in many weeks. Grief for the simple delight of sharing a bottle of wine with M'lady. She's enjoying a well deserved glass and I can't join her. It poses no threat to my sobriety but, just for today, it makes me sad.
I had fear when I was drinking. The hiding and deceit. Arranging life so that no one would know. I feel released from that now.
What is the core of your fear? Don't answer to me, try to answer that for yourself. See if you can't find the face of your demon. Coming to grips with addiction is an extremely courageous act. It should make us proud. It's a process of internal validation. External validation can be hard to come by. And it really isn't necessary. Recovery is the one very selfish thing we can do just for US.
That's why I find reading and writing on these forums to be a godsend. Everyone here understands my courage. When I hear of the petty problems that get normal folks knickers in a twist, I have to laugh inside. If they only knew what I have had to deal with lately. It doesn't make me feel superior, but it sure makes me feel like I am achieving something that is at least equal to anything other people are.
I have learned not to expect understanding from my loved ones and close friends. Thank god they cannot understand. What I expect and strive for is acceptance. I would like them to accept the fact that I am navigating rough seas and doing well.
Internal validation enables me to hold my head high. Recovery literature graces my coffee table and shelves. People who would find that frightening or disgusting are toxic anyhow, so I'd just as soon they stay away on their own account.
If this is your first recovery I think the "foreignness" will gradually and quickly begin to fade. Especially if you are naturally a strong person, and it sounds like you are. I found that a few really good, really sincere "shares" relieved me of a lot of that.
I suggest forcing yourself to engage those situations and people that you find threatening. The outcome is almost always positive, reinforcing, and growth producing. As FDR said, it is fear itself that we must fear. I think almost no one overcomes fear by avoiding it and almost everyone benefits by talking about it.
You are at a critical point, I think. I have a few more weeks on you and they have been very instrumental in solidifying my resolve. My attitude. My joy at sobriety.
Give yourself some credit, lady. Buy your literature with pride. Take pride in the fact that you are regaining your life force. It is a sad fact that going to the liquor store is normal in our society while we must go in the back door of the church to attend a meeting. Something wrong there and it is all in our head.
The sun just came out here on the BC border. It's a great time to be alive.
Peace
warrens
An Idaho hug to you.
I think recovery takes different forms for different people. I think we all tend to magnify our greatest "issues." Whatever they are.
Is shame a big issue for you? It sounds like it may be. It was for me during my first recovery. It no longer is (the greatest issue). There are things you can do.
Sometimes different issues arise on different days. Today, out of nowhere, I am feeling grief. Haven't felt that in many weeks. Grief for the simple delight of sharing a bottle of wine with M'lady. She's enjoying a well deserved glass and I can't join her. It poses no threat to my sobriety but, just for today, it makes me sad.
I had fear when I was drinking. The hiding and deceit. Arranging life so that no one would know. I feel released from that now.
What is the core of your fear? Don't answer to me, try to answer that for yourself. See if you can't find the face of your demon. Coming to grips with addiction is an extremely courageous act. It should make us proud. It's a process of internal validation. External validation can be hard to come by. And it really isn't necessary. Recovery is the one very selfish thing we can do just for US.
That's why I find reading and writing on these forums to be a godsend. Everyone here understands my courage. When I hear of the petty problems that get normal folks knickers in a twist, I have to laugh inside. If they only knew what I have had to deal with lately. It doesn't make me feel superior, but it sure makes me feel like I am achieving something that is at least equal to anything other people are.
I have learned not to expect understanding from my loved ones and close friends. Thank god they cannot understand. What I expect and strive for is acceptance. I would like them to accept the fact that I am navigating rough seas and doing well.
Internal validation enables me to hold my head high. Recovery literature graces my coffee table and shelves. People who would find that frightening or disgusting are toxic anyhow, so I'd just as soon they stay away on their own account.
If this is your first recovery I think the "foreignness" will gradually and quickly begin to fade. Especially if you are naturally a strong person, and it sounds like you are. I found that a few really good, really sincere "shares" relieved me of a lot of that.
I suggest forcing yourself to engage those situations and people that you find threatening. The outcome is almost always positive, reinforcing, and growth producing. As FDR said, it is fear itself that we must fear. I think almost no one overcomes fear by avoiding it and almost everyone benefits by talking about it.
You are at a critical point, I think. I have a few more weeks on you and they have been very instrumental in solidifying my resolve. My attitude. My joy at sobriety.
Give yourself some credit, lady. Buy your literature with pride. Take pride in the fact that you are regaining your life force. It is a sad fact that going to the liquor store is normal in our society while we must go in the back door of the church to attend a meeting. Something wrong there and it is all in our head.
The sun just came out here on the BC border. It's a great time to be alive.
Peace
warrens
Anxiety King
Join Date: Jan 2008
Location: Pittsburgh
Posts: 403
Hi Crispy!
I can totally relate how you're feeling (even down to afraid to ask about getting a sponsor). Social anxiety is (was) my main drinking trigger. And it seems like going to an AA meeting is a Catch-22 (want to quit drinking, but you have to put yourself though a situation that you'd want to drink to deal with).
After a couple of weeks sober, and tired of being anxious, I started seeing a therapist through my work employee assistance program. Which has helped a little. Then a few weeks ago, I talked to my doctor about it when I was having a check up. He started me on Celexa (an anti anxiety/depression med). It's only been about 3 weeks, but I think it's starting to work. I don't feel anxious around my friends while sober now. And a little less (but still quite a bit) when at AA meetings. But I feel now I'm heading in the right direction, and just am happy with small 'victories' and try to build on that.
life doesn't have to be a chain of fears. If you think you might need extra help, please don't be afraid to get it.
Good luck and keep up the great work!
I can totally relate how you're feeling (even down to afraid to ask about getting a sponsor). Social anxiety is (was) my main drinking trigger. And it seems like going to an AA meeting is a Catch-22 (want to quit drinking, but you have to put yourself though a situation that you'd want to drink to deal with).
After a couple of weeks sober, and tired of being anxious, I started seeing a therapist through my work employee assistance program. Which has helped a little. Then a few weeks ago, I talked to my doctor about it when I was having a check up. He started me on Celexa (an anti anxiety/depression med). It's only been about 3 weeks, but I think it's starting to work. I don't feel anxious around my friends while sober now. And a little less (but still quite a bit) when at AA meetings. But I feel now I'm heading in the right direction, and just am happy with small 'victories' and try to build on that.
life doesn't have to be a chain of fears. If you think you might need extra help, please don't be afraid to get it.
Good luck and keep up the great work!
Thank you all so much for sharing all of you kind heartfelt replies. It really means the world to me and reaffirms to me personally how important reaching out to others is paramount to maintaining my sobriety.
I have always been painfully independant woman that made life work on my own terms. I hated to inconvieneince others with my burdens in life. I just dealt with things and moved on.
Even as I set up my recovery strategy I carefully worked out the details. I quit drinking, found a doctor to assist and a drug/alcohol counselor. I showed up at AA meetings--but then things became problematic. AA is somthing one does not work independantly and I am struggling with that.
I need to buck up and take the leap and start working these steps. I have made it this far and I won't give up now. I just need to push my new found courage just a little bit farther.....
-Brave Crispy
Still...:praying
I have always been painfully independant woman that made life work on my own terms. I hated to inconvieneince others with my burdens in life. I just dealt with things and moved on.
Even as I set up my recovery strategy I carefully worked out the details. I quit drinking, found a doctor to assist and a drug/alcohol counselor. I showed up at AA meetings--but then things became problematic. AA is somthing one does not work independantly and I am struggling with that.
I need to buck up and take the leap and start working these steps. I have made it this far and I won't give up now. I just need to push my new found courage just a little bit farther.....
-Brave Crispy
Still...:praying
my favorite part was:
when you get feeling REALLY brave - you can always hop the border, and come visit MT.
heehee.
you know - I like your avatar - looks exactly like my cat, Poppy.
I mean,
if somebody stuck a stick coated with permabond in her mouth.
And then threw her in a river.
BUt other than that -
looks just like her.
-Brave Crispy
heehee.
you know - I like your avatar - looks exactly like my cat, Poppy.
I mean,
if somebody stuck a stick coated with permabond in her mouth.
And then threw her in a river.
BUt other than that -
looks just like her.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2008
Location: San Antonio, Texas
Posts: 1
The Hastings Blues!
Lonely and sef pitying is the worst position I can be in. I found myself there today. I am diving into the tenth step and praying to keep on the beam
I love this website. I believe this will be a place to come when I can't sleep. Somewhere to connect and offer support to others.
Just a quick note on this before I go snooze... I'm the same way in meetings so far, no sponsor, I haven't talked really yet.. But in terms of feeling alone, it's the only place I don't! I have great friends, awesome (but sometimes crazy) family, supportive hubby (in his own way), but it's still not the same as being in a room full of people who really really know where you are, where you've been, and hopeful for where you can be. I have gone to AA meetings (and fought and kicked most of the time), there's not much else offered out here, but... it's a safe place for that hour for me, and I adore that
It all sounds pretty normal to me Crispy.
You're doing great despite how you're feeling.
Last year some commented to me that I was like 'a little mouse' when I started going to meetings. What I remember was people continually telling me they coudn't understand what I was saying as I spoke too fast. Then I use to get embarrassed and talk even faster!!!
These days when I get like that, I just take it as a sign I'm not too (emotionally) well.
Take it easy
:ghug3
You're doing great despite how you're feeling.
Last year some commented to me that I was like 'a little mouse' when I started going to meetings. What I remember was people continually telling me they coudn't understand what I was saying as I spoke too fast. Then I use to get embarrassed and talk even faster!!!
These days when I get like that, I just take it as a sign I'm not too (emotionally) well.
Take it easy
:ghug3
hi crispy...thanks for sharing and creating this thread. i'm kind've feeling lazy, a little bit of the *uck its. not a good place to be in.
just reading the words "bored and lonely" helped to put a light on my present moment. I am bored and lonely.
it's 6:30 and i am going to go to an 8am meeting. i am going to be early,...i am going to LISTEN and be with people before, during, and after the meeting. if they ask me how i am doing i am going to be truthful...and if they don't listen to the answer that is ok....i am not going to give an open talk answer, either, to people who ask how i am (I can go that route too)
thanks
just reading the words "bored and lonely" helped to put a light on my present moment. I am bored and lonely.
it's 6:30 and i am going to go to an 8am meeting. i am going to be early,...i am going to LISTEN and be with people before, during, and after the meeting. if they ask me how i am doing i am going to be truthful...and if they don't listen to the answer that is ok....i am not going to give an open talk answer, either, to people who ask how i am (I can go that route too)
thanks
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