lexusgirl

I have been thinking about this a lot today. Maybe just thinking out loud and very angry at xabf. We still share a house together, although I have detached and we are really no longer together so to speak. The saying is right Alcoholics are very selfish!

I hear a lot of stories that the A crawls back after screwing up, asks for forgiveness, says they will try to change yada yada yada...You know what, he never even seemed to care that he hurt me. He never thought twice about his last selfish me me me stunt. I guess in some sort of weird way if he would have at least acted like he cared or acknowledged there was a problem here it would have made me feel like I mattered to him. I guess I deserve AT LEAST that. I know he won't change, I know he doesn't think he has a problem, I don't expect anything from him really. But a simple "I'm sorry" all those times he hurt me and let me down would have made me feel a little better.

Tonight I sit trying to figure out how I am going to get out of this mess, keeping up with the bills,paying his share of the bills to keep from getting things shut off, taking the dog to the vet tomorrow to be neutered, all the things he should be accountable for as well, yet he is nowhere to be found.

MsGolightly

well i'd say you have a right to feel angry. and from time to time, my anger creeps up too, but for the most part, i've been able to let it go. but it's been over a year since my relationship ended... i never would have been able to say that before! also, to touch on something else you mentioned, i never got a "heartfelt" apology until about a month or so ago. and even then, i felt like it was a lie, so i've just had to come to terms with letting it go. as much as we want to, we can't make anyone else do something besides ourselves, and my choice was to move on the best i could.

LaTeeDa

(((Lexusgirl)))

I know it's hard when you are in the middle of it all, but there is something my good friend Minnie once said that still sticks with me today.

He's not doing it to you, he's just doing it.

It's hard not to take it personally, but with addiction it really isn't about you, it's all about him.

I hope you can get your own space soon. That will help the fog to lift.

L

lexusgirl

Thank you MsG. and LTD:ghug3

LTD-I like that saying, thank you.

In a way I think he was/is relieved when I told him three weeks ago that I was done with this. Maybe he set himself up to sabotage this relationship as he knows deep down inside he isn't able to give me what I desire or need/want in this relationship.

He is no stranger to addiction. He was previously, long before I met him a meth addict and alcoholic. He chose to start drinking again a year ago. A mistake I think that will probably either kill him or cause him more years of intense pain. This man has hit bottom in the past more times then I can count and the stories I have heard are horrendous!! I just don't see what other bottom he could hit besides death.

And to think all that I did was text him to find out if he would be stopping by to pick up some more clothes as I wanted to avoid him. He didn't reply back so I got super angry and the insanity for me kicked in. I need to let go so very bad......

Kindeyes

Lexus
Sometimes those who seem least deserving of our compassion are those most in need. In some odd way, it's very sad that alcoholics are so selfish. It's not that I feel sorry for them but I do feel compassion for anyone in pain.....and someone who has to anesthetize themselves all the time has got to be in some serious pain.

You deserve someone who can give you real love. Someone who loves themselves and understands what it means to love another person.

gentle hugs

lexusgirl

Kindeyes--Thank you for the kind comment

Maybe that is why I attract them...I'm extremely compassionate almost to a fault. I know he is in pain, but he covers his outer exterior by being so prideful and tough, I suppose this is to protect himself from all that he has endured as a child. This is where my heart goes out to him, but I have tried to talk to him about this and to no avail.

He knows there is help out there, and at one time he was very much into his recovery, but it's sad to say he's back out there again...what a waste of a life. I figured he has wasted almost a decade of his life to addiction..

katyk

I know where you are coming from. I tend to see people's potential instead of what they really are ("he's so brilliant, and he's got a great sense of humor and adventure," instead of "he's an unemployed cad with no sense of responsibility."). Coupled with bad boundaries and the tendency to give anybody anything they ask for, no wonder the A's were lining up to date me! Well, I've been married to one, and trust me boys, whenever I hit the dating scene, things will be different!

DesertEyes

Hi there lexusgirl, and pleased to meet you

I have that problem too. I've learned in al-anon that compassion is a "character trait", and that by itself it is neither a fault nor a virtue. When I take _action_ on that compassion, and help somebody who truly is unable to do for themselves, then that "trait" becomes a virtue. On the other hand, when I take action and do something for somebody that they _could_ do for themselves, then it has become "enabling". That side of compassion is harmful.

My ex-wife had a nightmare childhood. The things that were done to her are beyond comprehension. My heart went out to her too, and I talked to her about it for 20 years. She really wasn't interested in what I had to say. She decided, somewhere along the way, that she would also protect herself from all that she survived. The problem is that she didn't care who she hurt in the process of protecting herself. Not her own child, not me. In a sense she became like her abuser, thinking only of her own needs.

I have learned that everything in life has a price. I was willing to pay a huge price in order to claim that woman as my wife. I had my own issues, low self-esteem being one. I was "buying" her love with my enabling behavior. In the end it wasn't good for either of us. She decided to go sell her love to someone who payed more, and I decided to untangle my head and got straightened out in al-anon.

Have you been to al-anon yet? I found them to be wonderfuly helpful. Their books and pamphlets are the best. There's other programs too, like CODA, which I hear are also wonderful.

I'm glad you decided to join us

Mike

abcdefg

thanks for what you are sharing, lexusgirl. i really relate to the feelings and experience you are describing. this thread is helping me a ton.

i'm so trying to keep the focus on me and my insanity and my choices. i remind myself all the time: no matter who is around me or what their issues are or what our connection is (or isn't), MY work is the same.

i get to choose recovery and do my steps -- that goes for days when i'm nuts, days when i'm sane, days when i'm sad, days when others are doing what i want, days when they are not, days when i feel alone, days when i feel filled with self-worth and love. i'm my own problem -- and solution.

i had a really awful day yesterday of focusing on the A's behavior (or lack of it). i'm pretty sure i started looking outward because this is a difficult time of year for me but i'm determined today to keep the focus on myself. i have a big event this afternoon that i've been looking forward to for a while. it will be a wonderful gathering of friends in my home and will include meditation. i can't wait for all that wonderful energy to infuse the place. it already feels pretty good in here but i'll take all i can get.

DESIGNER

Very true. My exabf has always said that. I would be like " why are you doing this to me?" He would always say....I don't mean to hurt you and I am not doing this just to make you mad.

I realize now that he really was not. It was just who he was. Selfish....yes but his intentions where never to hurt me.....I allowed it to hurt me. He chose to continue to drink and I chose to move on.

I wanted a sorry to and I got a sorry that I did this to you but really it did not help that much.

Just remember that though they don't admit that they are sorry...like your xabf....deep inside he probably really is but to say that he is sorry he is admiting that he may have a problem and that is something alcoholics hate to do.

gabenyc

Thanks for this thread -- its been really helpful today. My exabf and I broke up five months ago, and I'm still grieving, despite dating other people, etc. We've had no real contact other than a couple of angry emails, and when I think about it, his inability to apologize or express remorse for his behavior is really stunning. I guess I just try to remember that it's part of the way A's behave, and to echo Designer's point, if they stopped and saw the world through your eyes, they would see how the rest of the world sees them and their behavior. A's are very pain avoidant, and acknowledging their own ability to cause that sort of pain and hurt is often too much for them, I think. All I can really say is that, at least for me, the anger and rage and disbelief go away with time. What's left, at least for me, is an undercurrent of melancholy and sadness that is probably somewhat similar to the way A's feel after they are away from their drug of choice for a few months.