LucyA

I've decided to try to get my nephew living with me. I know it's going to be difficult, but I'm ready for that. He isn't being looked after by his dad at all. I'm going to look into how I can do this legally and with as little disruption to my nephew as possible, I know UK laws are different to US ones so I'm nopt looking for advice here on that. I've found a great UK based site that has a forum and advice phone lines etc about our Childrens Services (social services) so I've registered there too. I'm not sure how this will all work out, and I really haven't thought through all the pros and cons yet, I just know he'll be safe here, with family who love and care for him.
Does anyone have any experience of doing the same kind of thing? I think I'm going to need all the support I can get on this one, there are probably a million things I haven't thought about, so even if you're going to scream dont do it please tell me, I need to hear from you guys.

Barbara52

I watched my first husband and his wife go thru a 7 year process of gaining custody and then adopting their youngest. They brought their now 9 year old daughter into their home when she was only a few weeks old after discovering that her birth mother (who happens to be my ex' wife's sister) was physically abusing her. The child never lived with anyone other than my ex and his wife. The birth mother is mentally ill and incapable of raising a child. Its a long complex story but in the end, the birth parents lost all parental rights and she was adopted.

I wish you the best in your road to helping your nephew.

LucyA

Thanks Barbara,
I'm sure this will turn out to be a complex story too. I'd like to keep my nephew in touch with his dad, I'd really like them to be together in a healthy father/son relationship, but it's just not happening. As well as all the other 'little' things it's the second day of the school holidays for easter and both days Joes been here not knowing where his dad is, not been fed, and wearing dirty clothes. Theres much more than that obviously, including the fact that these days I couldn't honestly say that I'm sure my brother isn't physically abusing him because I've seen his temper.

Barbara52

Its got to be hard to step in like this. But it sure seems like the right thing to do.

Rella927

I wish you the best with this too Lucy!

My friend adopted her two nephews that live in another state...it took close to a year to do so but, they are a lot better off as her brother cannot stay sober and the mother is a homeless drug addict.

Prayers to you

LucyA

As I haven't actually stepped in yet I'm thinking it's harder to stand back and wait and see. (I reserve the right to change my mind about my thinking though :rof )
Thanks for the support Barbara

LucyA

Thanks Rella, my thanks button's gone awol

Sophia57

Hi Lucy
I think you're incredibly brave to take this on and I hope Childrens Services will see that its the right thing for your nephew. Taking on raising another son, which is effectively what you'll be doing, is no mean feat. I hope you have lots of support for yourself on the ground there, friends who'll help out and listen when you need to talk.

Will your family support you if it comes to a hearing?

It must be very hard to stand back and watch this happening and if you decide to step in, we'll be here for you anyway

N
x

LucyA

Thank you Sophia, at the moment my parents are very supportive but that does change from time to time depending on how my brother is treating them. They want to have Joe living with them, but as my mum is 61 and my dad 65 I really dont see that as an option. I have many friends who are very supportive too, and also my work knows what kind of things are happening and they're as supportive as they can be (more so than I expected)
If it comes to a hearing of any kind I have my brother sister in law and her family and my aunt who is great also a few close friends who would give any kind of references etc. As I live on the same road as my brother I'm a bit worried of that going against me, but I think that could be a positive too because I'm close to my nephews school, friends etc.
I have to admit, at 41 thinking of taking on another child is a bit daunting, but thinking of the other options are much worse. At least I wont be going back to nappies and nighttime feeds.
Thank you so much for all the support, I really am grateful for all I've learned here in the last few months, dunno what I'd have done without you guys. :ghug3

lexusgirl

I think you're a very kind and loving Auntie! Your nephew is very fortunate to have you in his life. I will be thinking about you and wishing you lots of luck.

peaceteach

I have a feeling about you, Lucy. I believe that things happen for a reason, you found this place for a reason, and you will make the right choice. Our HP does seem to put us right where we need to be, doesn't he?

My heart breaks thinking of him hanging around your house in dirty clothes, unfed. I imagine yours does too. If it can't be "official" for some reason, maybe your family can at least work it out to be an unofficial decision that he stays with you for now?

karmakoma

Lucy, good for you. Don't get too hung up on the age thing tho!

I may be able to rustle up some legal leads for you if you like - send me a PM if needs be.

LucyA

I hope that feeling is a good one peaceteach, I'm feeling pretty good right now anyway.
I think I found this place at the right time and definately for a reason, I have a hard time coming to terms with a HP though, I make do with talking to the star I named for my nan, it's done ok for me so far.
You're right, my heart does break when I see him in dirty clothes, hungry and mixed up, but he's a tough cookie and he laughs a lot when he's here, i try to focus on the good stuff while I'm dealing with the bad stuff.
I'd go for any kind of arrangement that helps Joe, but an unofficial one is too dependant on his dads frame of mind from day to day, I want some stability and security for him. He has stayed with me for short periods, but each time his dad demanded he went home before we'd arranged.

karmakoma

I like to think of myself as a tough cookie, but recoil when I think of kids that have to be like that to survive.

Give him a big hug from me (just think it as I am sure it would be hard to explain!)

Barbara52

I would think that even if you decide not to try for custody, bringing this to closer attention to the childrens' services people has got to be helpful to your nephew.

really_fed_up

Bernadette

Oh LucyA, so sorry it has come to this but your nephew is very very lucky to have you on his side.
Wishing you godspeed and strength, and hopefully soon lots of warm meals, clean clothes, love, and brighter, fun days for an eleven year old who deserves nothing less!!
Peace - B.

LucyA

Just a quick update, my Aunt has been speaking to my parents today (she's my mums sister) She's always been there for me, and with me being frustrated by my parents when they've been doing everything for my bro. Anyway, she was there for about 4 hours with them, and I didn't know any of this was going on till it was over. We're going to arrange a meeting with our social services, the four of us together. They all want to show SS that they support me and will support me with caring for Joe instead of his dad. We're also going to invite my bro to come to the meeting with us, but only let him know the day before. Sounds a bit unfair, but my parents are the ones who will get the flack from him over it and if we tell him any sooner he's got more time to try to manipulate them more, and also to manipulate Joe.
As soon as the holidays are over and offices open up again we can get things going. I feel like a big weight's been lifted just by having the support of my family and you guys.
Joe's off to his other Aunts tomorrow to stay for a few days, he'll be spoiled rotten there.

LucyA

Did I really say I'd wait till Tuesday? Oops I did it today!
Spoke to the duty social worker, got the wheels turning now.
I was asked lots of stuff about all the family, who agrees with what etc and how much would my brother agree with. I answered everything as fully and honestly as possible. Social services are going to visit some time next week, not sure when yet because it's the easter break and the duty SW didnt know who this would be allocated to, but I can phone any time to find out who is dealing with the case and what's happening, theres also a note on the file saying I need to be 'kept in the loop'.
I feel so much better now I've actually done something, even though we haven't moved on yet.
Oh, also, my mum has given me a bed so I dont need to buy one. It's so important to me that my mum is with me on this and giving me the bed for Joe says so much more than any words could.
Thanks for listening x

peaceteach

Lucy,
You are a shining star on this forum, honey. I am so glad that your Mom is offering her support and love to you. Not only does it help you financially, but emotionally to know that you are truly doing the right thing. Hugs to you today, to your kids, and to little Joe!