sarahs_smile

Well, things are worse than ever. I posted on this board about a year or 2 ago because of the problems I was having with my alcoholic/marijuana addicted boyfriend. Well, I stayed with him & things have been like a rollar coaster & I keep kicking myself in the ass for staying in this relationship. I love him so much but he loves his addiction and it is killing me. We break up on a weekly basis now & sometimes he moves his stuff out but I keep taking him back. Why do I keep letting him do this to me? I am stressed out all the time, my weight has been out of control & my self esteem has gone so far down I don't even know where to find it. My parents & all my friends are so tired of hearing this mess that they refuse to talk about it anymore so I have noone to even talk to now. Nobody likes him because of what he is doing to me. He has tried to quit several times & did so for 2 months(things were so wonderful). But since that time he drinks/smokes everyday. He had a good job but lost it when they called a random drug test & he refused to take it(I am his supervisor there & he did not want a failed test coming back on me because everyone knows we are in a relationship). He told me he was going to take a week to clean up & get another job well, that has stretched into 2 months now. I am the only one working, I have exhausted most of my tax money trying to pay the bills (which he feels is ok because he is only one person & therefore does not cause my bills to go any higher than what they already are). He lays in bed all day drinking, smoking & watching TV until he passes out & usually wakes up when he feels the wetness of peeing on himself. He has done the dishes 2 times in 2 months & nothing else, I come home & the house still looks like it did when i left. Today he told me he was quitting again & made it until 3pm when he called to see if I would bring him home some cigarettes, then a call back to bring him 3 bowling pins of Bud Ice & at 6pm he was on his way out the door to meet the weed man. Hours later I call him & he is spending the night with one of his buddies(which always happens when he wants to get messed up). Everytime I bring up that I don't like this he breaks up with me & tonight he called me every name he could think about. He refuses to commit to anything. He had told me he was going to watch my daughter a couple hours tomorrow so I could attend a meeting a work which he always tells me he will watch her and then he complains about it because he says he doesn't have his kids why would he watch someone else's kid. So I was leary about it to begin with but I said ok. Well he brought all that up tonight too that he did not want to be stuck here watching her when he had to bring his son to practice & that is why he stayed at his buddies. I think something is very wrong when you are in a relationship & you spend the night at your friends house at least once a week. But it is to get messed up, his friend has 4 kids, lives off various family members & has not worked in a over a year. He even lets his 14 & 15 yr old sons smoke weed with them. Then when my BF starts feeling bad for himself from being high all day he cmes crawling back to me and my stupid self takes him back. I can not understand why I keep doing this. When we fight like this my nerves get so bad that I am up all night, of course, he is sleeping in perfect drug induced bliss right now, not even worrying about me. It is 2am, I have to work tomorrow but here I am crying and can't even talk toanyone because they are all tired of hearing it. I want so bad to stop hurting, everyone keeps telling me there is somone out there who is going to treat me good but all I can see is this low life. They say it is because of my self esteem, I guess I agree....I am really overweight (about 350lbs) & I feel like noone is going to ever want to be with me. I never really had a real relationship before this one & I guess I am afraid of being alone again. Plus the history we have together. He is a really good guy when he is not doing this, we have such good times together. I always say he is my soulmate. I keep thinking he will change if I can just stick it out. But I just don't know how much longer until I break totally, I am so depressed all the time now. I am dealing with my own issues too....I lost 2 babies from early miscarriages. One at 6 weeks & one at 8 weeks after I had seen the little tiny heart beating and that is still affecting me, of course Mr. Supportive told me the day after it happened when was I going to get over it because he was tired of me crying all the time. I don't know, I guess I could just go on and on. I know this sounds like a bunch of crazy rambling, but I just needed to vent. For those who made it through this long thing, thanks for listening..... Kris

keepingmyjoy

(((((((Kris)))))))

I am so sorry for what you are going through. I had a miscarriage 2 years ago...a very bad one. It is very painful emotionally and you need time to heal from them. It sounds like you are living such a rollercoaster that you are not able to peacefully deal with anything.

You mentioned your daughter, I have a 3 year old son. I left my AH because his behaviors were starting to affect him. How is your daughter reacting to all this drama? I know you are a caring person, I can see this in your post. It seems that your ABF is similar to mine...self absorbed and not willing to inconvenience himself. When I left my AH, my self esteem was in the toilet too!

Seems like, IMHO, it is time to set some boundaries so that you stop being hurt and so that you can have some peace in you and your daughter's life. Don't worry about your weight, although I realize how upsetting it is to be overweight, I gain weight when my self esteem is shot.

Hugs to you....I am so sorry for the pain you are feeling.

Rella927

Kris Welcome back-stick around this time it may help you to see that you are not alone in this....

I'm sorry for that pain that you are going through-Have you had enough yet? What are you going to do about it? Not to sound harsh but we all have choices just as your AB does! It appears he is not willing to make the choices to give you what you need in this relationship, just what he needs. Living life that way was tearing me up inside-I got to a point where I started counseling, Al-Anon and coming to SR.

I lost a child at almost 3 months...I know the pain and heartache it entails-Please start to take care of you and your child now....it appears in your post that you want the peace....it takes work to get there but you appear positive that you want it badly enough hence coming back to SR.

Your not alone we are here for you the best we can be-Head up and get started on that journey to a better life for the both of you!

Barbara52

I am sorry for your pain. But as you know, nothing changes until something changes. How long are you going to hold on to what is making you miserable? How long are you going to stay in a relationship that is harming your child? What are you going to do to change your life?

Pajarito

(((((Kris))))
I am sorry for your pain. I also had a miscarriage- 11 years ago, and it is still something that I feel sad about from time to time. It's the loss of a dream. Believe me- we have had some discussions on this forum about that topic. I wonder if you could go back and re-read your post- but think about your daughter in your shoes- or a good friend. Would you want your daughter- or your friend to hurt as much as you obviously are? I am building my self-esteem day-by-day. It is not easy, but stepping back and looking at your situation could help you. I have a 10-yr-old daughter. I have thought a lot about what I want for her. I want a healthy environment for her to grow up strong and confident in. I would not allow anyone who has been drinking or smoking to look after her. I also am realizing that she will be better off with one healthy parent than in a house with two dysfunctional parents. I also pray that she will make better choices than I did- that she will never allow a man to verbally or emotionally- or God forbid- physically abuse her. I am getting out of my marriage to help myself as well as her. It is a new experience for me- taking better care of myself, doing what I want to do, surrounding myself with healthy people. What would you want for your daughter? Don't you want the same for yourself? (((Take care)))

LaTeeDa

You say you're afraid to be alone. Would being alone really be worse than what you have now?

You say you're afraid you will never find anyone else. Again, I ask you, even if that did happen, would it be worse than your life now?

When I honestly asked myself these questions, my choice became clear.

L

denny57

I'd suggest reading this line every day, every hour, every minute until it sinks in.

I think I've told this story before - there came a time in my marriage when AH told me if I was going to cry, I could go do it in the closet. I did.

I got really, really, sick before I got better.

Pajarito

Denny- thank you for posting this- there are a few lines I got in my marriage that I should also re-read every day/hour/minute until it really sinks in.

(And from what I can tell, you seem a whole lot better. I value your wisdom.)

denny57

Thanks, Paj. Yes, I cry where I want in my house now - wept like a baby during Dancing with the Stars the other night. Right there in my own living room, on my own sofa!!!!

((( )))

really_fed_up

Hi Kris,

I am so sorry for what you are going through--it's truly a depressing experience and I can tell you are in a lot of pain; I've been there with the addict boyfriend and I know that it's no walk in the park. But this experience can be life-affirming in that you have a choice of what to do about it: you can choose to stay with a jerk-off who refuses to commit to treatment and obviously does not appreciate and love you for YOU, or you can choose to be alone and know that you still have YOU and your child and no one can take that from you.

In your post you write:

I never really had a real relationship before this one & I guess I am afraid of being alone again. Plus the history we have together. He is a really good guy when he is not doing this, we have such good times together. I always say he is my soulmate. I keep thinking he will change if I can just stick it out. But I just don't know how much longer until I break totally, I am so depressed all the time now.

I know what you're going through; I stuck with my "Mr. Supportive" because he was the first person I'd seriously dated and I kept thinking he was my "soulmate" and that I would never meet anyone else, and I was afraid to be alone. He would tell me, "Don't cry; I don't want to hear it". As soon as I had the courage to break it off for good I realized how sick our relationship actually was, and I began to regret wasting two years of my life endlessly compromising, taking care of, and rescuing this moron who didn't deserve me! My depression lifted and I finally began to feel "whole" again. I think so many women are swayed by the idea that they need a man to be happy--to complete them--and that only one "soulmate" exists for them; I realize now that that's all bulls**t (excuse my language)....you will get stronger and this will get easier; just realizing that you have choices makes it easier. So how long do you want to continually have your basic rights denied and be treated like a doormat? Out of the two years since you last wrote, how many of those times were actually "good times"? Do you think his behavior might teach your daughter that it's okay to treat women like he treats you? One other sad but true fact: he will only change IF and WHEN he wants to change. No amount of your own suffering will make him change any sooner.

Hugs to you...

sarahs_smile

Thank You all for the very supportive words. It really helps to hear it from people who have actually been through it. I have gone 3 days without him now & have gone through a crazy mixture of emotions. I have thrown myself on the floor crying, screaming etc. I have begged him back once & then called back to tell him to stay where he was. Then I got the superwoman syndrome where I was so confident that I didn't need anyone, only to collapse in a heap. But basically, I haven't really been able to do much except walk around in a daze. Yesterday some friends of mine took me to Texas, just to get me out of the house & I actually had a good time. I just hope & pray I will be strong enough by the time he decides to come back. I also start counseling sessions on Tuesday. Not sure how that is going to go because it will be my first time going but they do group counseling, family counseling & individual counseling. I think it is something I really need to do for more than just this reason. I had a very rough childhood...had an alcoholic step-father who was very violent & controlling & I was also sexually abused by him. I have alot of issues now that I believe stem from not fully dealing with that. I am actually excited about doing something different & hope it will really make a difference in my life.

LaTeeDa

Good for you! That attitude will take you far. Don't forget that when it gets hard (and it will). Also, don't forget to give yourself credit for being willing to change. That's huge!

L

peaceteach

Kris,
That is so awesome that you made the appointment! You probably don't realize yet how powerful a move that is, but in time you will. Sometimes a girl just has to be her own champion and take care of HERSELF first and foremost. You will definitely benefit, and so will your daughter. You are her best role model in life, and she will remember that her mom decided enough is enough once. I can't imagine that you would want your own daughter to have a relationship with a guy like your current boyfriend, right? Well, you are taking the first step to showing her how a woman should be treated, by treating yourself like someone who deserves better. Hang in there, sister, and keep posting. I have found a tremendous support system in this forum, and you can too again.

really_fed_up

Kris--

YOU ROCK!!! Good for you for taking this step...and all the up and down emotions you are experience are normal...I, too, had messed up childhood (I was molested by a brother) + I have an anxiety disorder, but going to see a therapist was one of the best things I decided to do for myself...I think once you get in the door you will feel like you are glad you went; just make sure you find a therapist that is right for you. If you feel uncomfortable and/or the person doesn't really seem to listen to you, find a different therapist.

But for now just give yourself a pat on the back...you are doing great!

:day4