New and falling for another member of my group in Rehab
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2008
Posts: 1
New and falling for another member of my group in Rehab
I am a month sober and I think I may have married my husband for the wrong reasons. This thought had crossed my mind many times before getting sober and now I am finding myself falling HARD for a member of my intensive outpatient group in rehab. I really want to spend more time with him and he seems to want the same. We both know this can never turn into a fully functional relationship as he is going to be in jail for his 3rd DUI in a couple months. I am praying for guidance. I cant even bring this up in group sessions for obvious reasons. I just crave this man!
same planet...different world
Join Date: Sep 2006
Location: Butte, America
Posts: 10,946
Hi no clues - welcome to SR.
*sigh*
Ahhh... the jitterhouse romance.
Hon, the best thing I can tell you is ... do your twelve steps.
Do what you're in rehab to do.
No one winds up in 'intensive outpatient rehab' ...
because their life was going great, you know?
I think there's bigger fish to fry here.
And I think ...
that's what you need to be taking care of first.
Get sober.
Get functional.
Get involved in the real world.
which by the way,
isn't an AA thing -
it's a REHAB thing -
either complete 12 steps ...
or whatever the requirements
of the program you're working are,
or twelve months clean and sober.
But it's solid advice.
It saves lives.
You're there for another reason.
It's rehab.
Fix what you're there to fix first.
You're not the first to have these feelings.
You won't be the last.
I think it takes courage to come onto the boards and talk about these 'other feelings' that come up during detox and early recovery. The misplacement of affection is only one of a dozen ways we try to distract ourselves from getting the business at hand ... done and over, once and for all.
Maybe go down to 'Friends and Family Forums ...
and read some of the stickies down there as well?
I hope you'll see I'm not attacking ou ... I'm trying to show you that this is not at all unusual an occurrance.
But it is almost always ... destructive.
Which is why it feels so ... familiar to us alcoholics.
Get well first. Do that for yourself.
*sigh*
Ahhh... the jitterhouse romance.
Hon, the best thing I can tell you is ... do your twelve steps.
Do what you're in rehab to do.
No one winds up in 'intensive outpatient rehab' ...
because their life was going great, you know?
I think there's bigger fish to fry here.
And I think ...
that's what you need to be taking care of first.
Get sober.
Get functional.
Get involved in the real world.
which by the way,
isn't an AA thing -
it's a REHAB thing -
either complete 12 steps ...
or whatever the requirements
of the program you're working are,
or twelve months clean and sober.
But it's solid advice.
It saves lives.
You're there for another reason.
It's rehab.
Fix what you're there to fix first.
You're not the first to have these feelings.
You won't be the last.
I think it takes courage to come onto the boards and talk about these 'other feelings' that come up during detox and early recovery. The misplacement of affection is only one of a dozen ways we try to distract ourselves from getting the business at hand ... done and over, once and for all.
Maybe go down to 'Friends and Family Forums ...
and read some of the stickies down there as well?
I hope you'll see I'm not attacking ou ... I'm trying to show you that this is not at all unusual an occurrance.
But it is almost always ... destructive.
Which is why it feels so ... familiar to us alcoholics.
Get well first. Do that for yourself.
*Grateful*
Join Date: Oct 2007
Location: Midwest
Posts: 2,619
RUN~ As fast as you can! you really should work on your recovery and not make any changes right now. I pray you make the right choice.
PS I kinda had a crush on a guy in detox and when I picked my recovery hme I decided to pick the girls only home cuz I didn't want to get mixed up in anyone in early revoery, so I do understand, I have been there.
PS I kinda had a crush on a guy in detox and when I picked my recovery hme I decided to pick the girls only home cuz I didn't want to get mixed up in anyone in early revoery, so I do understand, I have been there.
Old & Sober Member of AA
Join Date: Nov 2005
Location: Nursing Home in Brick, New Jersey
Posts: 5,174
I am praying for guidance. I cant even bring this up in group sessions for obvious reasons. I just crave this man!
We're all so vulnerable and needy when we first get sober...it's easy to fall under the spell of the first person of the opposite sex who shows us some tenderness/understanding. But, it's very dangerous...please detach from this person before you both wind up in deep trouble!
Member
Join Date: Oct 2007
Location: Berea,Ohio
Posts: 397
You need to just forget about him, and worry about yourself.It is so easy to place focus on a good feeling other than what you NEED to.Obviously, you are in rehab because you have a drug problem, and two addicts together are nothing but TROUBLE!
You will learn that you should not make any major decisions during your first year in recovery, yet you are a month in, and stirring up all kinds of insanity.Relax, stay focused, and do not make any decisions other than getting healthy right now.Another month from now, you will be amazed at how much your mind will change, as long as you stay sober.You will heal a little more everyday.Give yourself the time you need.If then you still feel the same, maybe you could discuss it with someone in a recovery program.
You will learn that you should not make any major decisions during your first year in recovery, yet you are a month in, and stirring up all kinds of insanity.Relax, stay focused, and do not make any decisions other than getting healthy right now.Another month from now, you will be amazed at how much your mind will change, as long as you stay sober.You will heal a little more everyday.Give yourself the time you need.If then you still feel the same, maybe you could discuss it with someone in a recovery program.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2003
Posts: 12,136
What you are feeling is perfectly normal. But please, do not act on these feelings. I got mixed up with more than one relationship in sobriety, and both times I relapsed - each time I had over two years.
I finally learned that sobriety is about just that - getting sober. You are so new to recovery - you may find that your relationship with your husband does a complete turnaround now that you are sober. Keep the focus on you, and your recovery, and watch as things unfold around you.
I finally learned that sobriety is about just that - getting sober. You are so new to recovery - you may find that your relationship with your husband does a complete turnaround now that you are sober. Keep the focus on you, and your recovery, and watch as things unfold around you.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: UK
Posts: 60
Just want to echo what everyone else has said. Notice what you said about this guy "I CRAVE this man"....sound familiar?
Be kind to yourself by not acting on these feelings...they WILL pass.
Thanks for being so real with us...it gives us all chance to reflect
Focus on getting rid of the cravings...of all sorts.
GG:ghug3
Be kind to yourself by not acting on these feelings...they WILL pass.
Thanks for being so real with us...it gives us all chance to reflect
Focus on getting rid of the cravings...of all sorts.
GG:ghug3
Member
Join Date: Jan 2008
Location: Vancouver BC
Posts: 386
In early sobriety I would run towards the drama, the trauma and the diversions, from what I should have been focused on.......MY RECOVERY FROM A LIFE THREATENING DISEASE.
I have since learned that without commitment and focus to my recovery, especially in the first year, I would probably be dead today.
Priorities my friend.
Seren
I have since learned that without commitment and focus to my recovery, especially in the first year, I would probably be dead today.
Priorities my friend.
Seren
Life the gift of recovery!
Join Date: Aug 2007
Location: Home is where the heart is
Posts: 7,061
Here is what I was told new relationships in early reocovery or in a struggling recover were "taking hostages". Unfortunately that in many cases sums it up quit accurately. Remember a relationship is not going to fix you. It may create a feeling of increased security for a while. But true security comes from working on ourselves until we are able to be secure within ourselves even when we are alone. To no longer be afraid of being alone. I would check my motives in your situation. What is really going on behind this attraction. Does it increase my self esteem? Am I running from something? I am seeing the grass as greener? Am I scared to be alone? Am I looking for someone to fix me? There are a ton of questions you can ask youself to find out what is motivating you to be attracted to this man. I do wish you the best no matter what happens.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2003
Posts: 12,136
One other thing I thought of - in most groups, members are prohibited from having relationships with one another for this very reason. If you get involved with this man, is there a possibility you could get kicked out of group?
Old & Sober Member of AA
Join Date: Nov 2005
Location: Nursing Home in Brick, New Jersey
Posts: 5,174
please detach from this person before you both wind up in deep trouble!
Psalm 118:24
Join Date: Nov 2004
Location: ILLINOIS
Posts: 15,203
Originally Posted by nocluestill 
I am a month sober and I think I may have married my husband for the wrong reasons. This thought had crossed my mind many times before getting sober and now I am finding myself falling HARD for a member of my intensive outpatient group in rehab. I really want to spend more time with him and he seems to want the same. We both know this can never turn into a fully functional relationship as he is going to be in jail for his 3rd DUI in a couple months. I am praying for guidance. I cant even bring this up in group sessions for obvious reasons. I just crave this man!
Get you own life in order first>>>>>
Old joke where I come from
How can you tell 2 alkies are on their second date?
There's a moving van in the drive way
Lust is not the same as love
Member
Join Date: Jan 2008
Location: Seattle, WA
Posts: 486
Everyone has some good advice and I hate to refer to a movie for mine but 28 Days w/Sandra Bullock gave a good example in a recovering alcoholic/addicts life -
1st, get a plant. If you can take care of the plant for a year (i think it was a year) then you are ready for a pet. If after 2 years the plant and pet are both still alive, then you can think about a relationship (may not be exact quote but the gist of it is there).
Now for all I know, you already have a plant and a pet, but the way I interpret the quote is applicable. When you are in early recovery you are in a part of the process that requires your full attention. You need to stay focused on yourself becoming sober and learning how to keep that as a priority. As you grow in sobriety you will gain the tools to avoid alcohol no matter what you are going through in your life.
Good luck and I pray that your recovery is a long enjoyable process.
1st, get a plant. If you can take care of the plant for a year (i think it was a year) then you are ready for a pet. If after 2 years the plant and pet are both still alive, then you can think about a relationship (may not be exact quote but the gist of it is there).
Now for all I know, you already have a plant and a pet, but the way I interpret the quote is applicable. When you are in early recovery you are in a part of the process that requires your full attention. You need to stay focused on yourself becoming sober and learning how to keep that as a priority. As you grow in sobriety you will gain the tools to avoid alcohol no matter what you are going through in your life.
Good luck and I pray that your recovery is a long enjoyable process.
One Day At A Time
Join Date: Aug 2007
Location: England
Posts: 357
Just wanted to let you know what I understand EXACTLY what you are feeling right now and am in a very similar situation.
I'm married, worried I married for the wrong reasons, and have fallen for a guy in early recovery who feels the same.
I would recommend finding someone you can talk to about this. It may not be the sort of thing you want to discuss openly in a meeting, but hopefully you can find a lady who you can talk to one to one about this. I've met a lady who experienced similar feelings in early recovery and am talking it through with her, which is really helping.
I'm married, worried I married for the wrong reasons, and have fallen for a guy in early recovery who feels the same.
I would recommend finding someone you can talk to about this. It may not be the sort of thing you want to discuss openly in a meeting, but hopefully you can find a lady who you can talk to one to one about this. I've met a lady who experienced similar feelings in early recovery and am talking it through with her, which is really helping.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: Birmingham, AL
Posts: 13
Been there, done that. I found that when I was in really early recovery (and so was the other person), it usually ends up not going well for one reason or another.
Work on your program first, then worry about your love life.
I don't necessarily believe in the whole 'you must wait a year' thing -- every one is different, but I can say from my experience that jumping into things too early usually ends up with someone or both people getting hurt.
Work on your program first, then worry about your love life.
I don't necessarily believe in the whole 'you must wait a year' thing -- every one is different, but I can say from my experience that jumping into things too early usually ends up with someone or both people getting hurt.
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