Meat

Hello All,

I am posting right now to vent at myself a bit. I am so angry with myself and I don't know if I will ever let myself up. This I imagine will get a bit lengthy so those of you who bear with me I appreciate.

I was on here about two years ago concerning my concerns with myself. I took some of your advice and gave myself 30 days off. This turned into about 4 months of sobriety and I felt great. So, i thought it would be OK to try a few drinks and see if I could handle it.

It didn't take long before I was back into the routine of binging for whatever reason came up good, bad, or simply peer pressure.

I went along with this for about another six months. In the process got out of a failing relationship and started a new one. One that means the world to me. The process happened pretty quickly and we were both getting out of bad relationships at the time and both used alcohol as a form of self medicating. We would turn some of the pain on each other and have horrible fights. After a couple of very embarrassing incidents, we decided together to quit using all hard liquor altogether and only have a couple glasses of wine or beer when we felt like drinking. This worked for the most part, however there was some binging on occasion that always in tailed the usual excuses and regret.

Anyway, enough of the history. The reason I am here today to post is I really don't have a support group to talk my way through things and I am in a ton of pain today. The above lady and I were married on Monday and had an absolutely beautiful celebration. I however, thinking I would be just fine in the excitement decided it would be OK to join everyone in the whisky drinking and embarrassed myself, my family, and my bride. She was also drunk and very angry with me. She locked me out of the room and I drove home drunk to find a place to sleep. Her father found out about it and is furious with me. My parents are also not speaking to me.

I am ashamed of what I did to the celebration. I am petrified of what could have happened while driving. And, i am deeply saddened by what I have done to all of the relationships involved. I haven't spoken to her father yet. I am going to call him to apologize tonight. Really at a loss for the words. I know none can make it better.

How do I forgive myself? How do I convince them that there daughter made a good choice and will be safe? etc...

Thanks to all who read,
M

Rella927

Thank you for sharing and pouring out your heart- Congrats on your marriage!
sorry you are going through this...

Being aware of what you have done is a great thing-so be proud of that...

Starting with apologizing would be a good start and then sticking to becoming sober again and learning from this situation that IMHO being sober is the right way for you to live life. Focus on this and I'm sure the rest will fall into place when they all see how serious you are about your soberity.

I wish you the best......and sorry for your pain...

CarolD

Congratulations on your marriage..

This time around ...start attending AA.
That's where I found solid sobriety
and an awesome way to live.

Blessings to you and your bride

Dee74

I think Rella is right. Actions speak louder than words in cases like these. You might have to ride out some bumpy seas for a while, but things will get better if you're serious about recovery.

here's a link to a list of a full range of recovery programs you might find helpful
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...-programs.html

D

1963comet

So, sorry to hear what happened to you. I have had many regrets myself because of my drinking.

Talking to the family might help. Maybe if you explain that your drinking gets out of control. And that you are looking for help. Just an idea.

Cindys10

We have all done things we are ashamed of. Add this to your reasons of not wanting to drink again, and move toward sobriety!

RK2007

I've embarrassed myself in ways you'd scarcely believe possible - people do forgive and forget, especially if you prove through your actions that you are changing/have changed...

I'm still going through the motions of changing - I hope for the better, but people who used to see me drunk and making a fool of myself regularly don't see that any more (mostly because I'm not there ) - maybe they are thinking, hey he isn't that guy any more.

Calling her dad would be a good move, but even if he rejects your apology at first don't be put off - show everybody you can do this, that you're not the man that made a fool of himself at the wedding celebrations.

tay-lyn

Quote:

Originally Posted by RK2007

show everybody you can do this, that you're not the man that made a fool of himself at the wedding celebrations.

I had to/am doing exactly this.
I too made such an ass out of myself on so many occasions......oh the absolute sickness I feel when I get flashes of the things I've done, the drama I've caused, the people who've rolled their eyes at me so many times, the amount of times I've been told off by people because of my behaviour. It haunts me.
But the only thing I can do about that now is PROVE that I am different without the alcohol in me. There are many who won't believe in me for a long time. Who think I am simply on my best behaviour as opposed to actually being the good person they are seeing. But I don't blame them, I've been a drunk for a long long time. People's opinion are not going to change overnight.
So like RK said, don't be put off if you don't immediately get the response your looking for when making your apologies. Make it a goal for yourself that you will PROVE to them you are the man you know yourself to be.
Actions speak louder than words.
Tay.

IO Storm

Meat...

You most likely cannot "convince" anyone right now...it is too soon. Turn an about face

and do what you did before..get sober and stay sober.

We have all been there and are right behind you and are with you 100 %!!!!!!!!

It sounds like you really love this lady...but you must do it for yourself first Meat...

Love and prayers for a lifetime of sobriety and happiness in your marriage..



IO

353

Meat,

Sorry for your troubles but there's one way you can straighten this whole mess out...get sober, stay sober. If you do that everything else will take care of itself.

My experience with being sorry for my alcoholic behavior is this: I said sorry so many times I didn't believe myself any longer, how could anyone else. When I said sorry and then messed up again it only made everything worse.

I had to learn how to say I was sorry (making amends) after I was confident enough I could live up to my apology. My sponsor told me the steps were to be worked in order...oh yea, I recommend the 12 steps...when I first started meetings I wanted to go out and make amends (say I was sorry) to everyone I'd wronged. I'm glad my sponsor convinced me otherwise. First things first.... just my 2 cents

God's peace

nogard

Each day in recovery I get many choices including the choice to pick up and these days I don't even consider it, that says volumes to me and day by day others see the difference too as it speaks through my actions.

Kevin

Meat

Thanks to all.

Made the phone call last night. It went OK. It gave them a chance to vent to me a bit. They also expressed their admiration for the courage to make the call...I am sure it will be a long time before they forgive me again no matter what they say...longer before they trust me.

I haven't spoken about it much with my folks. They will probably take a bit more time. There have been a lot of years of pride followed by major disappointment over the last 20 years.

I don't really know what happened to me. I used to be such a happy or quiet drunk, but over the last few years it has been horribly self defeating or worse self destructive.

How did you guys learn to forgive yourselves? It seems as though even when i am feeling good i find a way to remember the embarrassing/horrible things i have done so that i can go back to hating myself again. I really don't want to feel this way.

Haven't been drinking since the incident, but that is always the way it goes. I'll be fine maybe have a couple of beers here or there and then one night I'll binge and try and destroy everything that is good in my life.

I am in pretty good shape. I work out regularly. I have a good job, an awesome dog, and now a wonderful life. Just can't figure out what's wrong with me. Is drinking the problem or the symptom. I am getting mixed advice depending on where i look.

Thanks Again.

tennis71

Congrats on the marriage!

Drinking is my problem but I cannot tell you for certain about yours, you are the only one who can really come to that conclusion. If alcohol is the problem, there are resources out there that can help you recover and those resources will usually teach you to forgive yourself and to make amends to others.

Consider this from AA, alcohol is "cunning, baffling and powerful." Many of us have tried methods such as drinking only beer, only drinking at home, having just 1, only drinking in social situations, only drinking on weekends, going to a shrink to see why I drink, etc. I would suggest reading the AA Big Book, or even just Dr. Bob's story in the big book.

This does not commit you to a program or a problem, but it is a way to educate yourself about the potential problems of alcohol. You may want to ask around this site for other resources, I have mainly read the AA literature and do not know about any of the other programs or books.

Good luck and keep coming back.

hairgirl

Thank you for reminding me of why I should not drink at my upcoming July wedding.I know I can tell myself that this wouldn't happen, but I am sure you never expected it to happen to you either.