jehnifer

My RAH is in a bad place - and seems to be there the majority of the time -he feels miserable about his life, unhappy about his family situation (his daughters live with their mom), job, the weather, everything. A lot of the times he takes it out on me either directly or indirectly with fault finding, moodiness, silent treatments. I dont often inititate discussions anymore because somehow he turns on me. So I try to leave it up to him to talk to me when he's ready. He is so negative about everything though and it gets very tiresome to listen to it over and over again.

He says there is no one at the AA meeting he can identify with and that the meetings dont help him, and he has a sponsor from several years ago, but I dont think is in touch with him. He did make an appt with a therapist for April.

I am listening to my sponsor and doing what she tells me to do...be understanding and compassionate but know that you cannot be the solution or bring the solution to him. I told him that I have confidence that he will find his way out of this and I tell him what "I" do when I feel down. But that's all I can do. I am soooo WORN DOWN! I feel guilty for feeling better than him and being relatively happy. I want to avoid him so that I wont get drawn in to his unhappiness or bad moods, yet feel pity as if I am abandoning him if I go off and do my own thing. I know that when he gets in enough pain he will do something to help himself. But how much longer can it go on? And what do I do in the meantime? Stay away from him?

Barbara52

So what are you doing to help yourself? You mention a sponsor who is telling you, it seems to me, how to help your RAH. What about you and your needs? What are you doing to see that they are being met? Do you want to stay an take the abuse just because he is "recovering?" What do you want for you in life?

jehnifer

barbara are you saying that I should leave him at home to sulk and be miserable while I go take care of myself? Do you realize how much pain even thinking about that causes me? If feel so all alone.

Barbara52

Its what I would do. I sure wouldn't be miserable myself just because he chooses to be miserable.

No, you don't have to leave him to his misery alone. But what do you think you can do to make the situation better? You cannot change him. You cannot lead him to recovery. You can change yourself and lead yourself into recovery. You know that since you go to AlAnon.

LaTeeDa

I am not responsible for another adult---even if I happen to be married to him. If he is miserable, that's his choice. What's your choice?

L

justjo

Jen,
You obviously care for this man. The most loving thing you could do for him right now is to start setting boundaries. While you are putting up with his mood swings etc etc he will continue because he has no reason to change. He figures, she's not giving me a hard time, she puts up with my crap, she will be there in the morning, so why would he be bothered to do any different. Its like a child who misbehaves, you know, a tantrum, I want, leave me alone. If you let that child continue to behave in this manner what do you think you will have in the end. One spoilt child who gets their own way and it takes a lot of work to repair that.
Good luck to you.

tennis71

One way to look at it is to work on your own recovery, 1. because you cannot work his recovery if he doesn't want to recover and 2. you are worth the effort! Maybe he will see what you have and make a decision that he wants the same thing, a better healthier life. Even if he doesn't, you will be healthier.

I have seen my wife grow as a person since she started attending Al Anon (due to my drinking obviously) and we talk more deeply and personally than we ever have in the past even though we are separated. Not to ramble, but my point is that I want to grow as a personally and spiritually just like she is.

I hope you continue to post and work within Al Anon, and the above is only what I think. You have to work the process that works for you!

FormerDoormat

Why do you have to be understanding and compassionate to a man who "takes it out on you either directly or indirectly with fault finding, moodiness, and silent treatment?"

jehnifer

thanks everyone! I will go to the alanon meeting tonight. i always feel better when I do. And I will pray for my husband and give him to God (or try to!) And I will take steps necessary to take care of myself toinght in the event he is not doing good - even if it makes me feel a bit uncomfortable. Gotta walk through that fear because what Ive been doing isn't working. I really like the idea that he may see me doing good healthy things to help myself and he may want to do the same. Lead by example.

FormerDoormat

How about praying for yourself? Your husband is capable of asking his HP for what he needs.

denny57

If I was giving that suggestion to a sponsee, I would mean have understanding and compassion for the disease. I'd then suggest exactly as the others - get out and enjoy life. As far as I know, this is the only one I get and I intend to live it to the fullest.

I read in your other post (DMPA's thread) that you believe your husband acts like this out of guilt. It might help to consider he acts like this because it is who he is. I'm going to guess it wasn't much different in the first marriage. I'm speaking from the point of view of the "wife."

((( )))