Frustrated and Confused Newbie

Old 03-18-2008, 07:13 AM
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Question Frustrated and Confused Newbie

I'm new here and hoping to find support, strength, sanity, insight, a safe place to vent and maybe hope...I realize the sanity part isn't going to happen, but a girl can dream, right? hehehe.
Here's my story...
I am a single mom with a precious 8 year old son. His father is an uninvolved alcoholic a*hole whom he sees a few times per year. I have struggled to finish school for the past 5 years and will graduate in May with a teaching degree.
I was happily single for the first 5 years of my son's life. I had no desire to date whatsoever...I guess being with an alcoholic burned me a bit. But I met a wonderful man about 7 years ago and we became friends. He was married with children and I came to love his entire family. He was a pothead and I knew it was a source of stress in his marriage. Oh, and by the way, we were nothing more than friends during his marriage...like I said, I had no desire to date, no interest in any man...him included. Eventually, his wife gave him a final ultimatum...her and the kids or the pot. He took the attitude that he was a pothead when she married him and he wasn't about to change. So, he lost his wife, his home, and became a part-time dad. For pot.
About a year and a half after his divorce, we became more than friends. I had been his sounding board and supported him through his divorce and we just developed a deep connection. I was a little nervous about bringing a man into my son's life, but I thought it would be good for him. "Tad" stopped smoking when we got together...because his ex wife took him to court and he failed a drug test which led to supervised visitation with his kids...it was a rough couple of months as he "got over it." I was there for him, bringing him food and hard candy and anything else he needed. I loved him and hated to see him struggle, but it was all worth it. The sober man I got was my very best friend. I have never loved any man the way I loved him. I have never felt a deeper connection with anyone. His sobriety lasted for about 6 months and then he started smoking again. He felt guilty so he became distant. We didn't see eachother very much, we had nothing to talk about...it was just really hard. My son adores him so I felt that I couldn't let him go. I love his kids and his family...his mom is an amazing woman. I just felt trapped. Then, after smoking for about 3 months, he quit again for a few months, then smoked for a few months, then quit for a couple of months, then smoked for a few months, then quit for two weeks, and has been smoking for several months again. This roller coaster is basically me getting my best friend back, losing him, getting him back, losing him, getting him back, losing him. The adjustment period is so hard, too.
Anyway, I kindof decided that it would be better to just deal with the pot. We don't live together, it's not in my house, it's not my money...although, I always end up buying his groceries...I just thought dealing with his drug use would be easier than hurting my son or losing his family. So, I have basically let him go. We have been in a faux relationship, basically friends with benefits, for a few months. There's no connection, no closeness. I don't feel like I even know who he is.
So, he has decided to quit again. He hasn't smoked in four days and he's been staying here because he can't do it on his own. The thing is, I'm tired. I don't want to do this again. Part of me is screaming, "It's pointless! It's temporary! Get your own damn water!!!" But part of me is saying, he needs help. He's my best friend...when I can fight through the fog to find him, anyway. I am so stuck between supporting him and loving him the way I used to and just letting him do it alone. I don't want to let him back in. I have worked so hard to build up these walls so that he can't hurt me. The stoner hurts me. He says he'll be there and he doesn't show. We make plans and he forgets all about it. He's lazy and selfish and I don't like him. The sober man, on the other hand, is wonderful. He is attentive and loving and completely selfless. He's smart and funny and motivated and I love him. I just don't know if having him back for a minute is worth the pain of letting him go again. Pot is like his mistress. He has been known to leave in the middle of a conversation to go home and smoke pot. He never realizes he's done it. Just suddenly says he's going to go home and get ready for bed...but I know he's going home because his buzz is wearing off and he needs to smoke. He knows the stuff is not welcome at my house.
I'm sorry for the novel, I'm just confused and frustrated and mad and hurt and completely terrified. I don't know what to do.
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Old 03-18-2008, 07:29 AM
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((ChipHazard))

First of all welcome to SR. I'm glad you are here but sorry for the circumstances.

I have a question for you, As much as your son and you love this man, is it the example that you want your son to have? Even if you think your son doesn't "know", he does. He may not indicate to you that he knows, but believe me, he knows.

What about you? You have done good for yourself, you have been strong and faced parenthood alone and have done a pretty darn good job, so what do you really want to do now? I know that sounds like an easy question, but it isn't. I know you have mixed feelings. But it really comes down to a decision.

Sending you lots of hugs Prayers and understanding.
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Old 03-18-2008, 07:58 AM
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History doesn’t repeat itself people repeat history. You are living the life his wife did 7 years ago when you first met him.

I am sure she left for her own sake and the sake of her children. He couldn’t stop for his family then he ended up losing them and that didn’t stop him from using again, all he’s done is find someone who is accepting of his habit. You said it’s easier to deal with his drug use then hurt your son or lose his family. Your son deserves far better then this. His family saw how his habit cost him his wife and children how could they not understand you wanting out.

You say there is no connection, no closeness but basically friends with benefits, exactly what benefits are you getting out of this?

The part of you that is saying he needs you is your codependency. Something you may want to research on the internet.

Glad you found this site, keep posting and please put yourself first and your son, not the addict.
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Old 03-18-2008, 08:08 AM
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Wow...I was looking for support but had no idea it would happen so fast. Thanks so much for your responses. I know I should let him go...I already have. But the thought of having the sober version back makes me want to try again....even though I know I will have to let go again. He is not going to stop forever and I know that. It's strange that his decision to quit again is what is pushing me to let him go completely. I've never really liked roller coasters when they're supposed to be fun. This one is not fun. I want off. I'm just not sure I have the strength to do it.
I'm going to google this codependency thing. I'm not sure what it means, but just the title sounds like it could be me...
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Old 03-18-2008, 08:17 AM
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The problem is that these repeated rescue attempts allow the needy individual to continue on a destructive course and to become even more dependent on the unhealthy caretaking of the “benefactor.” As this reliance increases, the co-dependent develops a sense of reward and satisfaction from “being needed.” When the caretaking becomes compulsive, the co-dependent feels choiceless and helpless in the relationship, but is unable to break away from the cycle of behavior that causes it. Co-dependents view themselves as victims and are attracted to that same weakness in the love and friendship relationships.

.....and there you have it. Me, in a nutshell...go figure. And I thought HE was the one with the problem.

Thanks!
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Old 03-18-2008, 08:45 AM
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Welcome to SR. You have found a great place, with lots of Experience, Strength and Hope (ES&H) and folks that are willing to share that ES&H!

I don't know what to do.
Stop doing the DANCE. I know it isn't easy, far from it, but he is and has manipulated you to the point that now when he says he's going to quit, you RUN to the rescue. Instead, RUN the other way, to Alanon and/or Naranon meetings.

I too wonder what this is teaching your son. Our children learn a lot by our examples.

This man has you to fall back on. You say you buy his groceries, WHY????? If he is using all his money for pot, oh well, his problem, NOT YOURS.

There is a way out of being Co-dependent, honest. It can be hard, but at the end of the tunnel, life is so much better.

You "love this man." Nope, you love what you think this man could be. You obviously don't love the pot or how he becomes, so in essence, you love THE DREAM not him.

Sorry if I sound blunt, I am not trying to be mean, just stating what I see from what you have posted.

You NEED to take care of YOU and YOUR SON, not this man. Please, please try Alanon or Naranon or both. Many times there are more Alanon meetings available than Naranon so it is easier to get to one than the other.

You will learn how to set boundaries and stick to those boundaries. You will learn the 3 C's:

You didn't CAUSE it,

You can't CONTROL it, and

You can't CURE it.

Also, please keep posting and let us know how YOU are doing, we do care very much!

Love and hugs,
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Old 03-18-2008, 09:03 AM
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Welcome to SR,

You have to let him hit his rock bottom. If that means he losses everything then he loses everything.

I know it is hard because I have been did the same thing for years. My Ex is on his third rehab stay and I have been there for him every time. But what is different this time is me.

Set boundries and keep them. Do not pay him food, if he has the money for the pot then he has the money for food. He can make that choice of either buying pot or food.

As for you keep close to his family you can do that without him in the picture. Have you talked to his family about the pot smoking.

Your son needs you and no body else. Trust me when I say your son in the long run will be fine. He might ask where he is at the beginning but you have to tell him it had nothing to do with him that you and the ex just need to be apart.

If he really loves himself then he can love you. YOu can not fix him, you need to go to meetings yourself.
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Old 03-18-2008, 09:26 AM
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It sounds to me like you have one child, too many, in your life.
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Old 03-18-2008, 10:10 AM
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I am so glad I found this site! You are all so helpful. I have been reading posts and stickies and steps all morning...while crying my swollen little eyes out. I realize that I can't keep doing this. I won't give him an ultimatum, I won't ask him to quit for me. I will simply tell him the things I told you all and the things you told me back. I will muster every ounce of courage I can to let him go. Yet, even as I typed that, my brain is saying...but, we have circus tickets for the last weekend of the month. Maybe I should hang in there just until we get through that....or maybe this will happen or that might happen or....I've just gotta stop it. He's a big boy and can take care of himself. I have to do the same. I have let myself cry today for the first time in a long time...I have a nasty headache, my eyes hurt, I look like crap, and can't breathe through my nose. But I have to do this. I can't change him and I can't rescue him. Please pray that I will have the strength to go through with it.
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Old 03-18-2008, 12:43 PM
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((Hugs))

Sending Prayers. You can get through this. You've taken a step in a good direction. Once you learn what co-dependancy is, you can't unlearn it. That being said, it's hard, and it hurts and it's OK to cry about it and mourn it. Be gental with yourself though. Do something good just for YOU. Remember to take care of yourself through all of this. You will experience withdrawels in a very similar way that an addict does when they quit their drug. It's not an easy thing but you can do it, and come out better for it all.

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Old 03-18-2008, 01:10 PM
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Welcome to SR from a fellow Tennessean!! (Did I spell that right??) I just got my final divorce decree from a man who used to smoke pot just the way you are describing (and possibly worse....). He used to smoke from the time he got up to the time he went to bed and I mean all day long. He did finally give up the pot, but he never gave up the drugs; I have found pills in various places for the last 15 years. He, too, always promised to change, but never did. He might stay clean for a few months, but before long he would be using again. What jerked me into reality was realizing in January of 2006 that my 53-year-old husband was crushing up pills and snorting them. Ugh.

We were together for 29 years, married for 26 (almost) and have three sons together. One of them has already graduated from college, is married and has one daughter and another baby on the way. One of them is a college sophomore. And one of them is in the fifth grade.

I say all that to say this-it's just not worth it to live with someone in active addiction. Don't think for one minute that your child won't be affected because he will. I would bet my life that, even at 8, he already knows way more than you think he does. I speak from sad experience.

You do not have the power to make this man do or not do anything. You are young and your child needs you. It won't be easy because you are so enmeshed with this guy and I will promise you that he will pull out all kinds of tricks to get you to stay. You will be blamed for every bad thing that he does and for every bad thing that happens to him. It is awful to listen to someone you care about beg you not to leave them and tell you how much they hurt and cry that you can save them. You can't. You just can't.

Keep reading and posting and know that you are among people who understand.
(((HUGS)))
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Old 03-18-2008, 03:02 PM
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Originally Posted by ChipHazard View Post

Yet, even as I typed that, my brain is saying...but, we have circus tickets for the last weekend of the month. Maybe I should hang in there just until we get through that....or maybe this will happen or that might happen or....I've just gotta stop it.
Our brains have a tendency to try and rationalize our emotional decisions.
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Old 03-18-2008, 03:26 PM
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I have a dear friend that was a pot head. He's always been Uncle D t my boys. He's always been there when I needed cheering up (partly because he had no life). At one point I questioned whether I could continue letting him be a part of our lives as the boys grew up. I decided he was a great example of why not to smoke pot. No family, no girlfriend, no real job, a dirty apartment with a roommate he hates, always broke. He picked up smoking cigarettes again after having quit for years. This bothered me more than the pot because I'm allergic to cigarettes. He told his doctor he wanted to quit smoking again and the doctor gave him Wellbutrin. Uncle D not only quit smoking cigarettes but pot as well. He went back to college, is getting straight A's, has taken up drawing again... who knew? The only problem is now that he has a life, I don't get to talk to him as much.
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Old 03-18-2008, 04:00 PM
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Well, he called about 5:20 to let me know he was leaving work and asked me to take some fish out of the freezer for dinner tonight. His pothead habit is to go to his friend's house after work to get stoned and have a couple of beers. When he's clean, he comes home after work...not that this is home, he lives 100 yards away...So, his call was at 5:20, it takes 15 minutes to get home. Yet somehow it's 6:55. Pot makes him lose track of time. So, four days must have been all he was capable of this time. My son should be sleeping by 9 tonight (we're on Spring Break!!!Yippee!!)...I guess we'll discuss it then. If he even shows up. He's having so much fun with the other woman (Mary Jane) that I may starve if I wait on him for dinner. Oh, I'm exhausted. A big ole emotional wreck. I'm not sure if my babbling makes sense. The point is, he is out smoking pot right now. We usually have dinner by 6:30. It's 7:00. Quitting sure didn't last long this time!
I just need strength. I can do this.
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Old 03-18-2008, 04:56 PM
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Eat without him, sweetie.

You've got some time, so read up above on the stickies some more. You've been a single mom for some time, so you know you can do it again. When you are ready to STOP thinking about HIM and realize that it's much easier and calmer to just keep the focus on you, you will find your answers. When you are ready to accept the fact that nothing changes unless YOU are willing to make the change, you will begin your new life that doesn't depend on someone else's whims.
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Old 03-19-2008, 01:07 AM
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He rang at 5:20 and now it is 6:55 and he is still not home... Interesting to read your post and to reflect back on the day to day hell of living with an addict and to see the neurotic, crazy, party pooper, detective I became! At that point I would have been phoning and phoning to see where he was and then sometimes he wouldnt come home at all. The thought of coming home to an angry wife when you are all high and having fun probably isnt that appealing for an addict. Those were the good old days... Not! I am so happy to be out of that dysfunction and that I have a new life for my little girl and I. Gives me hope to keep moving forward xx
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Old 03-19-2008, 04:10 AM
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Oh Chip, sweetie... I can so relate. RUN!!!! You are so worth it and you need to trust your gut. It is sooo sad, hurts like crazy, but you are right, roller coasters are continuous loops! It has been 28 long years for me. I too am an intelligent, loving person and Mom, but just couldn't seem to realize it was never going to work because of his mistress (he too loves Mary Jane). Seek friends, seek al-anon, seek counseling, read the book Co-Dependent No More. It is powerful. Keep coming back here, we are here for you. Have a good day... kind thoughts and hugs to you.
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Old 03-19-2008, 04:31 AM
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Hi, I know how you feel about how they just come and go with no regard to others feelings.... One thing I am working on and learning is you can hound them all you want about what time they should come home, why they should come home at this time ect. It dosnt do any good just stresses yourself out. I take it vary personal when my abf does this to me. So this is what I started doing. Im not working my schedule around him anymore. Im not waiting on him to come home and cook dinner at 8 in the evening and take an hour , so that we eat at 9 when I have to put the baby in bed at 8:30 -9 and I try to go to bed by 9:30 , got to get up at 5 everymorning. I go ahead cook dinner what I want and if hes there great if not owell his problem. If he dosnt like what I fix then fix somthing your self. If we have a family thing planned I tell him once the time and the day and if he wants to be there then he will if not his loss. If you have spoken to him about how you feel about the pot and he chooses to smoke then his problem but you have the choice to not deal with somome that smokes. There are plenty of great people out there that have less baggage. Now if I could just take my own advise and get rid of the complete set of baggage I have....
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Old 03-19-2008, 05:18 AM
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welcome to S.R. you can find all the help & support for yourself here but as harsh as it may seem you can not find any for your addict. the addict has to take care of themselves & there is nothing you can do for him. is this really the life you want for your son & for yourself? that is the question u have to answer. there is help for him but until he is really ready for it there is nothing u can do. read around the site. others have been & are right where you are. is he worth the pain & all the insecure, ups & downs he brings in your life. keep coming back, we r here for you. prayers going up for you & him.
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Old 03-20-2008, 06:46 AM
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Well, I would love to be able to say I did it...but that wouldn't be true. He showed about 7:30 Tuesday night and knew that I was upset, but of course, had no clue why. He cooked dinner, helping my son cut vegetables. I didn't want to discuss anything with him until the little stinker was asleep, so we watched a movie.
Then, I let him have it. We have discussed his love affair with Mary Jane before, but since little miss codependent was so accepting of him, I never let him know just how bad I felt...wouldn't want to hurt his feelings, right?
I didn't hold back, I didn't sugar coat a thing. I let him know just how bad it feels that my best friend would rather spend time with a plant than with me. I told him that I've had enough, that I can't do it again. He didn't make excuses, he didn't beg or plead. He did cry a little and then almost raised his voice at me asking how I could let him treat me that way for more than 2 years and not leave before. He wanted to know why I didn't tell him how his drug use made me feel before and claimed he had no idea it affected me so deeply.
Anyway, I guess all I really did was set some boundaries. We'll go through this quitting thing together one more time, but we won't make it through another relapse.
It was a long, calm conversation...with the exception of a few ugly words thrown in by yours truly...I just don't know if it was the right conversation. I have no faith in his ability to quit.
And now I feel almost guilty writing this. I was so sure I was over it and was kicking him to the curb. Am I falling for something?
I'm glad he stayed, though. My son had diareah for 2 days, so I got up yesterday to go get him some medicine and gatorade...then pothead remembered that my little angel had drank from a nasty puddle last week and told me to take him to the doctor. Turns out he may have Giardiasis...ooops. I had totally forgotten about the puddle. It's not a lesson I ever really thought I needed to teach him. I never imagined him wanting to drink from a puddle, but as he said, "You try to eat some flamin hot cheetos with no water and see if you can resist a puddle!" Kids. I am thankful that he was here and remembered the puddle water. I would have tried to mask the symptoms with Immodium and let it get worse.
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