And.... It's Begun - a little shakey, but OK
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And.... It's Begun - a little shakey, but OK
Well, I think I did all right. AH called tonight, sort of OK tone, asking about the price of the house as rates dropped and he wants to get refinanced. Well, long story, when he heard the number, the fun began. I told him over and over that until the Disclosure docs from both of us were filed with the courts we weren't negotiating or discussing asset division. He tried to push that - when one avenue failed, he went another way, then insisted I was the one being unreasonable! OMG, my mouth dried up, and I started rising to the bait and raising my voice a few times, but quickly got it in check and proceeded with my mantra of waiting to discuss after the documents were filed in a nuetral tone. I did ask why he was so upset, he got the number, supposedly that's all he wanted. Just get the refinancing and then when it's time to negotiate the final number can be worked out then, in the meantime he's just getting pre-approved, I had already done it.
I was shaking! I got out of the house, I'll stay away until later. He wants me to move out, I told him when I had the actual money on an agreed-to number and we can't agree until all the docs are in order, etc. Then I got the old, I've signed the papers (NOT!), etc. I asked him why he was trying to intimate me? He had to call back and say I'm not intimidating you and never have. I told him his tone of voice was very intimidating, not him! Ha! Like I said before, he's sooooo good with his words, but his tone.
I can't believe I made it through that first conversation and I don't have a huge knot in my stomache (yet anyway). I'm shakey, as I said, but not as shakey as in the past after other confrontational conversations.
I know he's scared. He doesn't have the money. But, any advice? This is going to be a long couple months until this gets settled. He's going to fight tooth and nail to get what HE wants! Even said he'd rather give the money to attorneys than to me!
I was shaking! I got out of the house, I'll stay away until later. He wants me to move out, I told him when I had the actual money on an agreed-to number and we can't agree until all the docs are in order, etc. Then I got the old, I've signed the papers (NOT!), etc. I asked him why he was trying to intimate me? He had to call back and say I'm not intimidating you and never have. I told him his tone of voice was very intimidating, not him! Ha! Like I said before, he's sooooo good with his words, but his tone.
I can't believe I made it through that first conversation and I don't have a huge knot in my stomache (yet anyway). I'm shakey, as I said, but not as shakey as in the past after other confrontational conversations.
I know he's scared. He doesn't have the money. But, any advice? This is going to be a long couple months until this gets settled. He's going to fight tooth and nail to get what HE wants! Even said he'd rather give the money to attorneys than to me!
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You asked about advice
Well my thoughts are
you should tell him that his statement about giving the money to the attorney and not you may back fire on him and he could end up giving it to both of you
Actually I think that the best thing for you to do is advise him that there is NOTHING to talk about, if he needs to speak to you do it by us mail, email or thru the attorney
Hes gonna keep it up ----arguing and such why put yourself thru it?
I guess my opinion is since the marriage and/or relationship is over and now its just a matter of house and finance well then it sounds like a great time to enforce no contact..........
Just my opinion hope it works out for the best for you
Well my thoughts are
you should tell him that his statement about giving the money to the attorney and not you may back fire on him and he could end up giving it to both of you
Actually I think that the best thing for you to do is advise him that there is NOTHING to talk about, if he needs to speak to you do it by us mail, email or thru the attorney
Hes gonna keep it up ----arguing and such why put yourself thru it?
I guess my opinion is since the marriage and/or relationship is over and now its just a matter of house and finance well then it sounds like a great time to enforce no contact..........
Just my opinion hope it works out for the best for you
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Lies - thanks. It's just the sort of thing I need to hear. Advice, reinforcements, and reminders. I really do appreciate it and really does help. I'm just amazed I came out as well as I did - for me anyway, but while I'm not as shakey as before, I can't say I walked right through it either.
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Speaking from the other side of a week-old final divorce from exah of 25+ years, my best advice to you is to go no contact. It helps you reach some clarity in the situation when you don't have to listen to addict logic....
He sounds a lot like my ex; conversations with him would start on an ok note, but before long he would be dragging up ancient history and throwing all sorts of fear, obligation and guilt (FOG for short) at me.
Wasn't worth the drama anymore. Agree to nothing, take it through the attorney.
It will get easier in time and you will be wondering, like me, how in the world you lived in that insanity as long as you did. Good luck!!
:ghug2
He sounds a lot like my ex; conversations with him would start on an ok note, but before long he would be dragging up ancient history and throwing all sorts of fear, obligation and guilt (FOG for short) at me.
Wasn't worth the drama anymore. Agree to nothing, take it through the attorney.
It will get easier in time and you will be wondering, like me, how in the world you lived in that insanity as long as you did. Good luck!!
:ghug2
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Originally Posted by duet_4-8 
Speaking from the other side of a week-old final divorce from exah of 25+ years, my best advice to you is to go no contact. It helps you reach some clarity in the situation when you don't have to listen to addict logic.... :ghug2
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I also agree that you need to tell him to talk to your lawyer. I would get on the phone with your lawyer and tell him what just happened and tell him you can not take the calls from him.
You need to record everything he says to you. But I would not talk to him, I would let my machine get it or let it go to voice mail.
Keep strong and keep your cool. He wants a recation do not give him one. When you show it does not bother you it will **** him.
You need to record everything he says to you. But I would not talk to him, I would let my machine get it or let it go to voice mail.
Keep strong and keep your cool. He wants a recation do not give him one. When you show it does not bother you it will **** him.
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Yes, it is definitely amping up. I can only assume this will get worse. Wish me luck, and keep any advice coming. I will do my best to not engage in contact with him anymore. I assume this will play itself out and I cannot begin to imagine what is coming next.
I'm still doing OK, managed to sleep a little and all that, but it's nerve wracking and now I really feel like I can't leave the house, because if I leave and he can't buy me out, there's the implication that by moving out I agree to whatever buy-out can be arranged - possession being 9/10's of the law and all that.
I'm still doing OK, managed to sleep a little and all that, but it's nerve wracking and now I really feel like I can't leave the house, because if I leave and he can't buy me out, there's the implication that by moving out I agree to whatever buy-out can be arranged - possession being 9/10's of the law and all that.
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Talk with your attorney and have EVERYTHING go through your attorney from HIS attorney.
NO CONTACT. Yes not reaching you will **** him off, but so what. He will have to take it to his attorney.
That's what you both have attorney's for, please let them do their job and you will get a little peace.
Stay in the house as long as your attorney says you can. It's always better if a house is occupied, less chance of vandalism, etc.
Post here as often as needed and please get to some Alanon meetings. Both will do wonders to help you gain some calmness, peace and serenity.
We are here for you.
Love and hugs,
NO CONTACT. Yes not reaching you will **** him off, but so what. He will have to take it to his attorney.
That's what you both have attorney's for, please let them do their job and you will get a little peace.
Stay in the house as long as your attorney says you can. It's always better if a house is occupied, less chance of vandalism, etc.
Post here as often as needed and please get to some Alanon meetings. Both will do wonders to help you gain some calmness, peace and serenity.
We are here for you.
Love and hugs,
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Join Date: Feb 2008
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Not advice-I'm not qualified.
Something to think about, however.
My ex and I observed many divorces over the years. We saw many wonderful people get involved in incredibly bitter divorces. Sometimes the animosity ran so high, that people spent their entire accumulated net worth on attorneys rather than compromise. It made absolutley no sense to either my ex or myself.
So, when we decided to "bag it," we talked about that. We wondered to each other if we might be able to dissolve our relationship in a manner beneficial to both.
We succeeded, I think. She hired an attorney and I didn't. I reserved the right throughout the process to hire one if I thought it became necessary. Sure, there were a few details that took negotiation. But our state (Idaho) made it relatively easy. It is a "community property" state. Thus, essentially each partner gets 1/2 of the net assets, and 1/2 of the net liabilities. It doesn't matter who earned more, who spent more.
My ex and I remain on good terms to this day. During the divorce, we both recognized that her lawyer was only too eager to litigate and contest. More hours=more$$. When it costs $500/hr to fight, somehow that lessens the urge. So we figured it out; we both compromised and ended up spending a couple thousand instead of a hundred thousand.
When you hire an attorney, you want to assume they have your best interests at heart. In truth however, it is billable hours that pay their rent. Something to think about.
warrens
Something to think about, however.
My ex and I observed many divorces over the years. We saw many wonderful people get involved in incredibly bitter divorces. Sometimes the animosity ran so high, that people spent their entire accumulated net worth on attorneys rather than compromise. It made absolutley no sense to either my ex or myself.
So, when we decided to "bag it," we talked about that. We wondered to each other if we might be able to dissolve our relationship in a manner beneficial to both.
We succeeded, I think. She hired an attorney and I didn't. I reserved the right throughout the process to hire one if I thought it became necessary. Sure, there were a few details that took negotiation. But our state (Idaho) made it relatively easy. It is a "community property" state. Thus, essentially each partner gets 1/2 of the net assets, and 1/2 of the net liabilities. It doesn't matter who earned more, who spent more.
My ex and I remain on good terms to this day. During the divorce, we both recognized that her lawyer was only too eager to litigate and contest. More hours=more$$. When it costs $500/hr to fight, somehow that lessens the urge. So we figured it out; we both compromised and ended up spending a couple thousand instead of a hundred thousand.
When you hire an attorney, you want to assume they have your best interests at heart. In truth however, it is billable hours that pay their rent. Something to think about.
warrens
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Warrens. Thank you for your words of sanity. If I was dealing with a sane and rational person I would be more than happy to do that, and California is very clear on being a community property state also. The thought of paying an atty. to basically come out with the conclusion of what I've offered actually being to his benefit is maddening, but he might just push it that way. He hasn't gone to see an atty. that I know of, and if he does and he manages to be actually HONEST about his finances and the fact that I can buy him out, that atty. might (and I say that with much doubt) be able help him understand and to take it and go. However, he doesn't want to "share" or be "fair". He wants to pay me less than my half of the house, he doesn't want me to have a car, etc. We don't have tons of assets so it really is stupid to go through attys., but I'm trying to deal with someone who for lack of better words is acting like a spoiled 3 year-old who has a mountain of toys compared to another child who has 3, and he still wants what the other child has, doesn't want to share and is crying that he never gets anything and doesn't have anything.
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Well godspeed to both of you, cw.
It sounds like what your husband needs is for someone he respects, or even a disinterested party, to explain THE LAW to him. He may WANT more than half. But the surest way to get way LESS than half in a community property state is to give it to an attorney.
If he isn't careful his "parent" (the state) just might come along and take all the toys...
Wish you the best,
warren
It sounds like what your husband needs is for someone he respects, or even a disinterested party, to explain THE LAW to him. He may WANT more than half. But the surest way to get way LESS than half in a community property state is to give it to an attorney.
If he isn't careful his "parent" (the state) just might come along and take all the toys...
Wish you the best,
warren
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Let's hope mediation is an option. I will try to suggest it again at some point when he is not acting like the tazmanian devil.
You all would NOT believe (well some of you probably would) the 2 emails I've gotten so far today - the manuevering is amazing and he absolutely does NOT want to fill out those disclosure documents. I have no idea what he's hiding, but if he doesn't do it well (meaning hide whatever), we will all soon find out. Whatever it is, if it's not good for him, the chances are it ain't good for me either being in a community property state.
So far I'm holding up. I can't tell yet if I'm getting strength as I'm getting a bit more used to this or if it's draining me. Thanks all of you for your support, advice and just being here for me! You all are the best!
You all would NOT believe (well some of you probably would) the 2 emails I've gotten so far today - the manuevering is amazing and he absolutely does NOT want to fill out those disclosure documents. I have no idea what he's hiding, but if he doesn't do it well (meaning hide whatever), we will all soon find out. Whatever it is, if it's not good for him, the chances are it ain't good for me either being in a community property state.
So far I'm holding up. I can't tell yet if I'm getting strength as I'm getting a bit more used to this or if it's draining me. Thanks all of you for your support, advice and just being here for me! You all are the best!
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HOw long have you been going thru the divorce? I guess I was lucky and I am to poor to get in to that stuff. When I got my divorce, they sent us to medation just of visitation.
Not like he went anyways, but it cost me money and that is all the courts want and the lawyers. I ended up going to court and I got just what I wanted.
I got sole and physical custody of our son, they let an open ended alimony for me, and 400.00 a month child support, he only gets 4 hours a month visitation, no over nights.
Not like he went anyways, but it cost me money and that is all the courts want and the lawyers. I ended up going to court and I got just what I wanted.
I got sole and physical custody of our son, they let an open ended alimony for me, and 400.00 a month child support, he only gets 4 hours a month visitation, no over nights.
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I'm glad that worked out for you wooforever! Getting sole custody is often quite difficult. As for me, I told him I wanted a divorce in Sept. or Oct. then we did marriage counseling, then I found out about the addiction, then he spent months crying and being a mess so I left him alone and didn't file paperwork (idiot - there was the codie stuff), but at the same time, I was educating myself about what it meant to be living with an addict and what to expect. Thank goodness I did, because honestly, I don't think I could be surviving through what's happening now as well as I am. So, in February I signed and the atty. sat on it a bit - you know the routine - but it's all in full swing finally. He's back on his self-medication, and here we are. I'm still in the house because I don't think he can buy me out. If I thought he could do it, I'd be out like a shot.
The funny thing is, we don't really have that much either, but what we have, we've both worked hard for, which is why I have approval for the FULL half buy-out of him, but he doesn't want to do that for me, and not by just a few thousand. I think more like $50,000. Negotiations, however, are not going to happen until he does his thing and fills out those forms he so desperately doesn't want to.
I probably could have handled all this a lot better. But, reaching the end of my rope in the marriage and THEN finding out about the addiction and the fall-out from that really made it drag on.
That's the story -
The funny thing is, we don't really have that much either, but what we have, we've both worked hard for, which is why I have approval for the FULL half buy-out of him, but he doesn't want to do that for me, and not by just a few thousand. I think more like $50,000. Negotiations, however, are not going to happen until he does his thing and fills out those forms he so desperately doesn't want to.
I probably could have handled all this a lot better. But, reaching the end of my rope in the marriage and THEN finding out about the addiction and the fall-out from that really made it drag on.
That's the story -
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It's ok codeinewife. I have learned that when dealing with lifes challenges, some days are easier than others. It's a lot of pressure and annoyance, but I have confidence that you will make the right decisions. Stay focused and try to remember that this too shall pass.
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