jerect

Hubby and I have been married for less then a year and to say that this year has been rocky has been an understatement.

In the year that we have been married, he has lost a job opportunity because he failed a drug test (pot) and I found out that he was addicted to prescription drugs and this was only after I found the bag of pills underneath the passenger side seat in his truck. He lied to me about the drugs for about two months before he finally fessed up and agreed to treatment.

The past couple of weeks things seemed to be looking up. We started marriage counseling and he just got his thirty day chip in AA for being sober . I have honestly felt good about the direction our marriage was taking.

Today I get a call at work and it was DH saying he needed to talk to me about something. Apparently he was looking for his glasses and he looked under the bed and saw a notebook. He said he opened it to see if it was his and he saw his name in it so he read it.. Apparently this was a journal that I started a long time ago and did not pick back up because I tend to do that. Anyway, He told me that in the journal I had written that I had regretted marrying him and that I missed being single. I guess I had also written in there that I felt like he was irresponsible and that he had no goals or ambitions in life.

I'm still at work so I'm not sure what journal he is referring to but I vaguely remember writing that a while back out of frustration from him being denied a job because he failed his drug test. He did not sound mad but he did sound hurt. I tried to reassure him over the phone that those things were written out of frustration and that it was not how I felt at this present day and time. I mean I wont lie, at the time I wrote in that journal I was probably feeling that way, but that's what journal's are for, right?.

I'm not really upset at him for looking at my journal, I mean I did snoop through his things when I was looking for drugs but I'm upset over what he read. He is already insecure. His first wife left him for another man and it took him a long time to get over it. I know I'm not responsible for his insecurities and it's true there have been times that I have regretted marrying him especially in lite of the drug abuse and the irresponsibility and the lies that he continued to feed me when I confronted him with it. I wrote that in my journal to keep myself from telling him that face to face how I was feeling at the time. No one wants to hear I regret marrying you or that I think you are a loser.

So now I don't know what to do. He doesn't get off work till late and I'm not sure how to act when he comes home. Do I act as if nothing has happened? Do I bring it up and discuss it? We seemed ok, when I hung up the phone. I told him that I loved him and that I didn't truly regret marrying him. He seemed to accept that as the truth but I could still here the hurt in his voice.

I'm trying so hard to make this marriage work. We already have the odds stacked against us because it's a second marriage. Coupled with the problems that we have had to face in our first year of marriage and now what he found today, our marriage looks like a train wreck

BigSis

Whenever I read someone's private stuff, or listen in on a conversation that I should not be listening in on, I feel like I get what I deserve.


What you wrote was a vent - which is sometimes different from the truth, or at least a different way of dealing with the truth.

If he doesn't like it - he should not snoop. That rule applies to me, too. When I have snooped for stuff, I almost always regret finding it. Funny, how that works.

And there is no need to "put on" a particular act when he comes home - just be honest and let him deal with your honest feelings. Hiding our feelings, walking on eggshells and trying to be someone we are not... is part of the dance of addiction. Time to stop dancing.


((hugs)))

Ann

I agree with BigSis, snooping has its own consequences.

Talk about it when he comes home, and if he doesn't want to then just let it go.

Writing our thoughts is a lot different then living them.

Hugs

greeteachday

Yeah I agree too. And I suspect part of the reason he called you was not just about what he saw, but feeling some shame for looking at your private things. Your feelings are valid...his are too; there's no right or wrong about how each of you feel about this and it sounds as if you both handled it in a healthy way by talking it out. That's a good step forward. Hugs

hope213

those were your priviate thoughts & he had no business reading them. let it go. prayers,

pjbs55

I think he wanted to make sure you still love him and don't have regrets. We write things out so we don't say things to someone that we might later regret. Let him know that what you wrote was a vent and would he rather have you say things like that to him in a time of anger or would he rather have you write them out and let it go.
Maybe he should start a journal also this way he can let out some of his feelings and look at it later to see how he has changed.
Good luck to both of you, you both handled it the correct way by talking about it. If he wants to ask you more questions answer honestly about why you wrote a journal.
You both are working your recoveries and it shows.
Hugs

jerect

Everything was ok when he came home last night, I tried to explain to him that what I wrote was a vent back when he tested dirty for pot. He said we should just let this go.

A month or so ago we would have argued about this but because of our own recoveries and an awesome marriage counsler we were able to talk it out like rational adults and there was no fighting or raised voices even. I was actualy proud of ourselves because it shows we have come a long way in a short amount of time. We still have a long way to go but we are making progress.

Thank you guys for all of your wonderful support on this board, This forum has been my saving grace.