gns

I have been thinking how vitally important it is to be "liked" by a man for me.

Someone deleted my email from an online dating site without responding and I was mortified. Made me feel worthless, unattractive, undesirable.

Conversely attention from a man here at a conference (or any cute/successful man) makes me feel desirable, beautiful, sexy, and charismatic.

I am putting so much of my self-worth and value and self-perception on someone else.

I am not sure how to undo that. Any thoughts? I have thought maybe "seeing myself through the eyes of my friends" rather then romantic partners?

LaTeeDa

Good job on identifying it. That is a major step toward "undoing" it. For me, it went back to childhood. The belief system in my family that men are superior and women are nothing without one. I rejected that notion, intellectually, but found that emotionally, it had penetrated my psyche long before I was old enough to think differently. Of course I'm over-simplifying, but you get the picture. The issue could be something entirely different for you, but at least you recognize it.

Anyway, I forget, are you seeing a therapist? These are the type of issues that therapy helped me to identify and work on. My issues with codependence went much, much deeper than just my relationship to the A. My relationship with myself was really at the core. It really is unbelievably liberating to be happy with myself even without outside validation, from men or anyone else.

L

mike_mass

I think a lot of us have a very frail self-esteem. I would work this through with a therapist.

NYC_Chick

gns: I have some of the same issues, though not nearly as bad as they used to be. I think a lot of the same issues stem from my childhood. Like LTD, all the women in my polish family were meant for nothing more than cooking, cleaning, and taking care fo the kids. I still get the "what's wrong with you?" question when I see my entire family on my dad's side because I'm not married yet.

I, like you, used to feel very unattractive even if a rejection was sight unseen. My xabf did not help once we were together. Most of the time he would not show me any affection in public. So, I would internalize his behavior to mean I wasn't attractive enough to be seen with. Then if someone thought I was alone, or that him and I were just friends, and the man would show interest, my ex would be upset. I'm trying really hard now to look within myself insted of getting outside validation. I feel like I have to smack myself into shape each day though.

Not highTEK

I think you should learn to do gratitude lists on a daily basis and remember that you have accomplished those things not some one else. In my experience this goes a long wy towards helping me feel valid in my own right on a day to day basis

justjo

Hi gns,
It took me years to understand who I was. Not just as a female but 'the' person. I now figure it stemmed from my childhood. I had parents who didnt show me love, hugs, all that little girl stuff (daddys girl).
I didnt realize how much it affected me until my father died. I was the same but different. I didnt need male or female attention. I did feel that I was a nobody but strong at the same time. A loner. I didnt trust men or women.
I wouldnt know if a bloke was trying to chat me up basically because I never felt good enough to be someone 'special' Even today, I am so busy trying to prove something (still dont know what it is) that I miss all the signs.
I understand you, inside we all need some validation or appreciation and just know that having a individual, good partner is worth more than someone thinking you are all those things you mentioned.

Miss Pink

Feeling worthy only through the admiration of another is a classic sign of codependent low self esteem.

12 steps and therapy were a huge help to me.

My old codie them song was "You're nobody til somebody loves you" By Dean Martin.

My new, recovered theme song is " I am Woman"! By Helen Reddy!

Astro

There's a great thread going this afternoon in the alcoholism 12-Step forum about dating http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...d-date-me.html , and I understand that your post doesn't infer that you're interested in alcoholics or addicts, but it's our history that brought us to recovery, right?

Jeff makes a great point in his post about what a great "catch" anyone in recovery can be. NOT! My recovery has led me to a great relationship with a beautiful woman who works her own recovery program, but the first year was anything but a fairy tale and I've learned in the second year that it's incredibly hard work to have a meaningful and fulfilling relationship, but the rewards are amazing.

I'm in the process of "undoing" a lifetime of codependancy and years of commitmentphobia in relationships? How? By attending CoDA meetings, therapy, reading up on the disease, and with constant work and awareness. Just like my AA program, it's progress, not perfection.

cagefree

gns - this was a theme in my life for a long time. I needed and sought out male attention. It didn't matter if the guy was a slimeball - if I couldn't get him to like me or be my friends, I thought of myself as a failure - regardless of how I felt about him.

Most of my friends have always been men. It hasn't been until the past couple years that this has taken a dramatic shift. I now only have 1 very close male friend I've known for 20 years and a handful of women friends. Almost opposite of a few years back when I had no women friends. This switch began to take place while seeing a therapist and after I started going to Al-anon.

I also have a much better relationship with my own father, which helped immensely.

Thanks for your post - I honestly haven't thought about it for quite some time.

lovtolaff

I could have written that post. I base my worth on others opinion of me - especially the males. I figure it's partly because my dad wasn't a real touch/feely/tell me he loves me kinda dad. He was a long haul trucker and was gone most my childhood. He also had several affairs during their marriage.

I haven't been to therapy because of this but it probably wouldn't hurt to delve into it a little deeper.

I think another thing that I do and it drives my bf crazy (he hasn't said as much but it would drive me crazy) is I thrive on emotional validation. It's like I need him to tell me how beautiful I am, how wonderful I am, how much he loves me constantly - if he doesn't I start feeling very insecure about our relationship.

fluffyflea

Well, first off great that you see it.

I've suffered from the same thing for years. Heres what I've done to help me:

Paid kind and loving attention to myself.

I'm single right now to spend time with myself and get to know myself.

Do things I like to do.

Just basically treat myself well and like ME.

Then how another perceives us is not so important. It sets us free from the bondage of needing approval.

Ngaire

best

Who you are is how God created you. What a man thinks of you is not important.
But because we are human, we seek others so....

best <<< a man

gns <<< a woman


Best sends a :ghug3 so you can have your fix for the day.

splendra

I feel for women who feel they need male attention to feel worthy. I have a friend like that. I see her making all kinds of compromises for these 2 men that she is involved with.

One she really wants to be with all the time and when she is with him the world could cease to exsist and she would not care but, he has other women in his life so she has a stand by man for when the other one is unavailable. It is an incredibly messy and full of drama situation that I am sure has cost her more than one friendship. She talks about her "problems" concerning these two men a lot. nobody wants to hear it anymore. She supports both of them and is always broke and borrowing money. We used to make lots of money together playing music but, I have had to back off cause I am so tired of listening to it. I don't understand why these men are so important to her when they cause her so much pain.

I guess I get a lot of male attention even though I do not really care if I do or not. I think men are more attracted to women who do not care if they are noticed by them. I think most men are somewhat taken aback by women who think they are in "need" of attention. I think they have built in radar for it.