Not Your Average Joe- In A New Relationship with a Recovering Alcoholic
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Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: Housotn, TX
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Not Your Average Joe- In A New Relationship with a Recovering Alcoholic
I've been dating a recovering alcoholic for about a month and now that the "honeymoon" phase is wearing off, I'm beginning to have questions about the different aspects of recovery.
The guy I'm dating is wonderful. He's funny and sweet. He is 27 and will have been sober for 5 years on June 13, and as we've gotten closer, he's been telling me more and more stories about his past (involving a lot more than just alcohol addiction), about how he came to realize that he needed to get sober and about how he still deals with elements of sobriety on a daily basis. He has explained to me about his addictive personality and about how being sober goes against his very nature. This past week was a little weird between us because he was in a "funk" and when I asked him about it he explained that if he doesn't go to AA meetings, he starts to feel uncentered and that when he feels uncentered he gets selfish- he says this as though that's just the way it is and I will need to get used to that.
I've noticed that even after 5 years, living a "normal" life of responsibility and sobriety seems to overwhelm him from time to time. He has the most amazing family who has been nothing but supportive and I'm convinced that without them, he wouldn't be alive today. I'm also noticing that it's difficult for me to identify with this part of his life. I don't know how to handle his mood swings (he's never mean to me, but his mood just sort of goes in the toilet) and it's hard for me not to take it personally. I don't want to be someone who brings him down or makes him feel like I'm just one more thing that he has to "deal" with in his life so I guess what I'm really looking for is advice on how to be encouraging to him. I care for him very much and I want to be able to be supportive, I just don't know what the right way to approach this is. I know a little bit about what they teach in AA meetings and I know that he uses that thought process a lot in his daily life.
What is the best way to encourage a recovering addict? What types of reinforcement do recovering addicts need in their lives, especially from the people they are dating or are married to?
The guy I'm dating is wonderful. He's funny and sweet. He is 27 and will have been sober for 5 years on June 13, and as we've gotten closer, he's been telling me more and more stories about his past (involving a lot more than just alcohol addiction), about how he came to realize that he needed to get sober and about how he still deals with elements of sobriety on a daily basis. He has explained to me about his addictive personality and about how being sober goes against his very nature. This past week was a little weird between us because he was in a "funk" and when I asked him about it he explained that if he doesn't go to AA meetings, he starts to feel uncentered and that when he feels uncentered he gets selfish- he says this as though that's just the way it is and I will need to get used to that.
I've noticed that even after 5 years, living a "normal" life of responsibility and sobriety seems to overwhelm him from time to time. He has the most amazing family who has been nothing but supportive and I'm convinced that without them, he wouldn't be alive today. I'm also noticing that it's difficult for me to identify with this part of his life. I don't know how to handle his mood swings (he's never mean to me, but his mood just sort of goes in the toilet) and it's hard for me not to take it personally. I don't want to be someone who brings him down or makes him feel like I'm just one more thing that he has to "deal" with in his life so I guess what I'm really looking for is advice on how to be encouraging to him. I care for him very much and I want to be able to be supportive, I just don't know what the right way to approach this is. I know a little bit about what they teach in AA meetings and I know that he uses that thought process a lot in his daily life.
What is the best way to encourage a recovering addict? What types of reinforcement do recovering addicts need in their lives, especially from the people they are dating or are married to?
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Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: Boston
Posts: 2,936
Well, for what its worth, the recovered alkies I deal with need normalcy. Don't let everything be all about them. Often, and this is either a by-product of or a part of their vulnerability to addiction, they hijack the "mood" in relationships and people tend to tiptoe around them. Just make sure you are not caving into that dynamic. They can be like petulant children and sometimes it is best not to give an ounce of energy to their bad mood.
:
You're allowed to have your bad moods and your stressful days too. Just because they used to numb those feelings with alcohol doesn't mean that you - who did not numb- don't also have feelings just as tough and intense to deal with.
Demand equality and be sure that your own needs aren't always 2nd on the list. I mean you want to encourage him the way you encourage anyone about anything. But RA's can be very touchy - so you could just share with him that you have a natural impulse to want to tell him "Hey, you should be so proud of how you've turned your life around," but that you don't know how to say it. He'll hear you.
Keep your focus on your own destiny and your own problems - make sure you're working on you to be the best person you want to be! And if he is not praising your great strides then call him on it...difficulties you are struggling with or overcoming are no less traumatic or difficult just because they aren't addiction related!
Good luck!
:
You're allowed to have your bad moods and your stressful days too. Just because they used to numb those feelings with alcohol doesn't mean that you - who did not numb- don't also have feelings just as tough and intense to deal with.
Demand equality and be sure that your own needs aren't always 2nd on the list. I mean you want to encourage him the way you encourage anyone about anything. But RA's can be very touchy - so you could just share with him that you have a natural impulse to want to tell him "Hey, you should be so proud of how you've turned your life around," but that you don't know how to say it. He'll hear you.
Keep your focus on your own destiny and your own problems - make sure you're working on you to be the best person you want to be! And if he is not praising your great strides then call him on it...difficulties you are struggling with or overcoming are no less traumatic or difficult just because they aren't addiction related!
Good luck!
play the tape all the way thru
Join Date: Feb 2008
Posts: 480
Hello and welcome to SR!
This statement really stood out, as it sounds like you're wanting to know how to "help" him through his recovery. Many of us on this forum are Co Dependent, meaning we want to "fix" and take care of the alcoholic. I know for me I had to step away from wanting to fix or help the A in my life and put the focus back on me.
I think Al Anon would be a great place for you to start. It's a support group that is for friends and family of alcoholics recovering or not.
Originally Posted by goofpookie 
What is the best way to encourage a recovering addict? What types of reinforcement do recovering addicts need in their lives, especially from the people they are dating or are married to?
I think Al Anon would be a great place for you to start. It's a support group that is for friends and family of alcoholics recovering or not.
Wipe your paws elsewhere!
Join Date: Dec 2004
Posts: 3,672
You ask, "what is the best way to support a recovering alcoholic?" I believe a better question is "what is the best way to get my needs met?" If I feel compelled to join a support forum so that I can find a way to live with a person who's frequently moody, it might indicate that I'm settling for less than I deserve.
My aunt was a recovering alcoholic and prescription drug addict. And although she maintained her sobriety for 30+ years and was an active member of AA until her death a few months ago, she was never a happy person. In fact, when we were going through her things and cleaning out her house, we found journals that she kept over the years. They were very dark and depressing to read and served as a reminder that the disease of alcoholism can continue it's progression even when the alcoholic remains sober for the rest of his/her life. The only way she found peace was in death.
My advice to you is to learn as much about the disease of alcoholism as you can so you can make informed decisions about your relationship, to continue to post on this forum so you can learn as much as you can about co-dependency, and to attend some Alanon meetings in your area.
Good luck to you.
My aunt was a recovering alcoholic and prescription drug addict. And although she maintained her sobriety for 30+ years and was an active member of AA until her death a few months ago, she was never a happy person. In fact, when we were going through her things and cleaning out her house, we found journals that she kept over the years. They were very dark and depressing to read and served as a reminder that the disease of alcoholism can continue it's progression even when the alcoholic remains sober for the rest of his/her life. The only way she found peace was in death.
My advice to you is to learn as much about the disease of alcoholism as you can so you can make informed decisions about your relationship, to continue to post on this forum so you can learn as much as you can about co-dependency, and to attend some Alanon meetings in your area.
Good luck to you.
Caring for the 3 little bears
Join Date: Nov 2004
Location: Oz
Posts: 509
You ask...
"What types of reinforcement do recovering addicts need in their lives, especially from the people they are dating or are married to?"
My AH, who drank for 30 years, has been clean and sober for 2 1/2 years! He has to be fully engaged in his AA program. He goes to 7-9 meetings a week. He goes during the day so it doesn't interfere too much with our family life. But, if he couldn't go during the day, I would WANT HIM to go in the evenings. He NEEDS to be helping others.
The only reinforcement he needs from me, is to love him unconditionally. In any relationship, whether he is recovering or not, find out what his "love language" is and start to feed it. He should do the same for you. I am getting off track here. Ask him what he needs. One may need something different than another. Part of the problem in alcoholic relationships is we are afraid to ask for what we need. The alcoholic and the non-alcoholic. We must be OPEN, HONEST and express our needs. I would recommend a book The Five Love Languages by Gary Chapman. I would like to also recommend you go to Al-Anon or anther support group for yourself. It will be most helpful.
Take care.
"What types of reinforcement do recovering addicts need in their lives, especially from the people they are dating or are married to?"
My AH, who drank for 30 years, has been clean and sober for 2 1/2 years! He has to be fully engaged in his AA program. He goes to 7-9 meetings a week. He goes during the day so it doesn't interfere too much with our family life. But, if he couldn't go during the day, I would WANT HIM to go in the evenings. He NEEDS to be helping others.
The only reinforcement he needs from me, is to love him unconditionally. In any relationship, whether he is recovering or not, find out what his "love language" is and start to feed it. He should do the same for you. I am getting off track here. Ask him what he needs. One may need something different than another. Part of the problem in alcoholic relationships is we are afraid to ask for what we need. The alcoholic and the non-alcoholic. We must be OPEN, HONEST and express our needs. I would recommend a book The Five Love Languages by Gary Chapman. I would like to also recommend you go to Al-Anon or anther support group for yourself. It will be most helpful.
Take care.
Member
Join Date: May 2008
Posts: 31
I was able to identify very well with your post. I was seeing a guy who has been sober for 15 years. He just turned 40 recently. We dated on and off for about a year and a half. He went to a few AA meetings a week and met up with people from the meetings for dinner, etc.
Seemed to be a great guy. Has a successful career (working from home though so felt needed the social outlet at the meetings), supportive family, outgoing - took a lot of comedy classes, etc. But I completely understand the "funk" moods you wrote about and the selfishness. He admitted to being selfish - but I believe this came from the fact that he went through a divorce two years ago. He was married for two years. He just couldn't "give". I should have left a lot earlier . . .
Anyway, I'm not sure how to be more supportive to a recovering alcoholic. As long as you're happy - we all have our moods : ) I'm not sure how these moods are different for a recovering alcoholic. The selfishness and at times inconsideration of the one I was seeing sort of set him apart. On a side note, the last time a spoke to him about a month ago, he said he was seeing someone new but still wanted me over as she was away for the weekend - aagghhh . . . I'm sure non - alcoholic men have the ability to do this. I just felt this one was always looking for the next adrenaline rush and got a kick out of doing outlandish things at times to get a reaction out of people - Not sure why I still care about him . . . .
Seemed to be a great guy. Has a successful career (working from home though so felt needed the social outlet at the meetings), supportive family, outgoing - took a lot of comedy classes, etc. But I completely understand the "funk" moods you wrote about and the selfishness. He admitted to being selfish - but I believe this came from the fact that he went through a divorce two years ago. He was married for two years. He just couldn't "give". I should have left a lot earlier . . .
Anyway, I'm not sure how to be more supportive to a recovering alcoholic. As long as you're happy - we all have our moods : ) I'm not sure how these moods are different for a recovering alcoholic. The selfishness and at times inconsideration of the one I was seeing sort of set him apart. On a side note, the last time a spoke to him about a month ago, he said he was seeing someone new but still wanted me over as she was away for the weekend - aagghhh . . . I'm sure non - alcoholic men have the ability to do this. I just felt this one was always looking for the next adrenaline rush and got a kick out of doing outlandish things at times to get a reaction out of people - Not sure why I still care about him . . . .
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Join Date: Dec 2007
Location: The Jungle
Posts: 5,435
Originally Posted by Bernadette
Well, for what its worth, the recovered alkies I deal with need normalcy. Don't let everything be all about them. Often, and this is either a by-product of or a part of their vulnerability to addiction, they hijack the "mood" in relationships and people tend to tiptoe around them. Just make sure you are not caving into that dynamic. They can be like petulant children and sometimes it is best not to give an ounce of energy to their bad mood.
To add to that.......allow him the time he needs to attend his AA meetings! I understand what he is saying about how the meetings keep him centered. If I don't work on my own recovery every single day.....I can begin to feel unbalanced.
You might think about doing a little reading about alcoholism and codependency. Knowledge is power. The more you understand what you SHOULDN'T do, the better you will be at partnering with him. The similarities between all alcoholics/addicts and all codependents is uncanny.
Don't worry about his recovery. It is his. He owns it.
When my RA son (RA = recovering alcoholic) goes into one of his "moods", I shut down all communication with him. I don't want to participate in his bad mood. It's not my responsibility to cajole him out of it. As Bernadette said, I don't give an ounce of energy to his bad mood. My energy will feed it.
Best wishes and gentle hugs
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