WLDKATZ

June 10, 2007 I thought I could take on the world..... my last awsome high, I was done.period.....June 11,2007 I was sober as hell being told I was having a baby.........world started spinning out of control......
Last night **** IT I ALMOST RELAPESED EVERYONE. I DID IT YES I AM MORE SORRY THAN YOU WILL EVER KNOW THAT THE THOUGHT WAS EVEN THERE.....here it is
I was offered a quick money I was good till I started THINKING ABOUT HOW EASY IT WOULD BE TO PINCH JUST A LITTLE NO ONE WOULD KNOW. Next thing I know I am calling H @ 430 in the am screaming I cant kill myself what the ****..... I had a major panic attack and so totally lost it....he came right over got the **** away from me called a friend of our he got it from me and got rid of it..........I am still short on having the money for courts and looking at 32 years for a 5th Habitual when it has been more than 20 years since I have ever gotten into any trouble and so much **** surrounding that and yes I acknowledge that the bank needs their money back and that it IS my accounts....BUT DAMN IT I DID NOT BECOME A 5'2 black woman writing the checks on that account!!!!! Why cant they of persecuted the person responsible!!!!!


and yes I know most of you don't know everything but here it is......I don't know either.........


so I am praying...............
And I have sold all but one of my vehicles..........and a man is here right now bbl.....ok I sold her..........omg I am so depressed

WLDKATZ

does sound like I am whining right.......... I know nothing of what happened from 1993 to 1998.......it was an almost total black out...... but there are things we do know..... but those are not enough to save me or so it seems.

Since my release from prison as a young adult I have worked so hard to stay out of trouble, would never drink or drive ( did only once but once was one time to many) I would always do my best to make things right rather than be right......
after I got away from my ex and the abuse and his drug use and then me getting into my own and out again I have striven towards excelling at being a human I am loving to everyone until I get hurt then it is on.....
Now it seems that I am having more things "stolen" besides the things that were robbed from my home when I was in Jail.......I WORKED so hard.........those are the things that mean the most to me........My brother bought P and my corvette that was the only thing I made SURE I could buy back because it was the most important to me not the mustang or anything else..........but the first vehicle that I bought sober for sober reasons....

but having to do this for the wrong reason ( I am not saying me going to prison would be the right reason) is hurting me so badly! I know it is only THINGS that I am talking of, I mean I can hold my baby, and I don't feel so choked with the fear of prison or jail time......it just hurts.........I look at this and I have lost THOUSANDS for staying so out of it during that time and sometimes I wonder if my addiction hasn't cost me it all..............just so damn emotional scared and unsure tonight

Aysha

If I read your post correctly. Old behaviors...You cant go from using to rolling. It is all the same to me.
Not being harsh..But If I were in a fight for my freedom..I would not be engaging in ANY illegal activity.
I understand you need money. But that may just ensure them prison doors locking behind you.
I am sorry you almost went there. But you set yourself up for it.
Learn from it.

WLDKATZ

Thanks Chiya I know and thats why I called H screaming for help I knew how close I was ( BTW I was trying to point out coke not rollin anything)..........I know it was desperation that made me act that way but I have NO EXCUSE for the want to use and that was what scared me so badly

Done_With_It

Hang Tough Girl

WLDKATZ

have you ever did something stopped yourself and said this is where this can go and then just totally change your doings because you cannot explain your need or wanting to justify your actions to yourself???? that was me......that is me....I have to be able to LOGICALLY think things out and I knew at that moment I didnt have the strength of a pissant but still I thought I could do it........just so not sure why.......

Done_With_It

Aysha

I know what you were talking about. Rolling = I didnt want to say right out. You know what I mean? Rolling ..Ballin...Slanging..hustlin...you get the idea.
That's how I took what you were talking about.
Sorry if I misunderstood.
And in a addicts mind that is a very logical solution. I have tried it myself and just ended up with worse charges and going right back to using.
I am so glad you DID stop yourself. More than I could do right now.
But dont put yourself in those situations. Dont even test those thoughts.
You are in a fight for you LIFE..and your FREEDOM right now.
32 years is a very long time. Even a day of lock down is a long time.
Take care of yourself and dont be so hard on yourself.
Be glad you did have it in you to stop yourself.

Dee74

I'm with Chiy Katz...I know you're doing it tough but you got no business doing anything with coke...you could have lost more than a few cars, and even more importantly, recovery's about more than just not using yourself.

I thought this was only a $1200 thing anyway ?

In any case, hope the money settles it.
D

WLDKATZ

lol
every week Dee.....I have to have 1200 every week for a total of 126,026.16.....everything had to be paid off in 6 months....



it was a lot of money it is a lot of money I understand that ....it is why I am freaking out so bad about it because this has effected my credit my work my HEALTH my whole life....I want that control back

Dee74

oh! now I got it LOL

I still stand by my earlier point tho...I'm glad you pulled out...us guys in recovery got no business helping to keep others in hell, y'know - no matter how good the money is.

I don't have much leeway on that.

D

Surlyredhead

Be kind to yourself, even normies make mistakes. Also, it is normal to have urges to use, the important thing is that you DIDN'T, that should make you feel good, not bad...I am pulling for you.

Cathy

CarolD

Evil comes with evil money.

Hug and Prayers Pam
(+) (+) (+)

grateful2b

thank GOD you didn't use....but geez, Wildkatz, that was TOO close.....prayers for you, girl....

WLDKATZ

that is exactly what my momma said then she hung up on me........................i started bawling agian...........later on dad said thats what she was doing too though............still feeling like **** shouldnt of let em find out like that

TiredMama

:ghug3:ghug2

CarolD

Pam...
they will be proud of you for staying clean and sober.
Let everthing settle down a bit.
Mega Hugs

WLDKATZ

Thank you Carol.......

dave47

Praying for you WLDKATZ, try and keep strong.

parentrecovers

keep it simple, katzy. hugs, k