LucyA

if I was to say to my nephew something like "look, I know what it must be like at home at the moment and I want to help you where I can"? He doesn't really open up to me, but there isn't usually the opportunity for him to do it without my children being around. Basically what I was thinking of doing is creating the opportunity for him and talking to him about his dad, drinking, and his own feelings. I have to be careful though because he's very defensive about his dad, he wont admit theres any problem at home (but he phones my parents constantly telling them what his dad is/isnt doing etc)
I just want him to know that I really do know what it's like at home for him, that someone cares, not just for him but for his dad too, but that as a child he deserves so much more from life. Any thoughts friends?
maybe I should post this in the adult children of alcoholics forum too?

nowinsituation

Lucy - I think you are on the right track. I as just in a parenting class last week (required for the divorce process). The psychiatrist there said that if you simply ask kids how they are doing, they will almost always say "fine". But, to get them to open up you need to approach it as "It seems like you are feeling (sad/angry/_______)." Or, "If I were you I'd probably be feeling (sad/angry/_______)." "Do you want to talk about it?" or, "If you ever want to talk to someone you can talk to me." Then kids feel that the door is open to safely share what they are really feeling.

Barbara52

That sounds like a fine idea to me. He might welcome the chance to talk about it all.

Bernadette

Hiya- Is "his Dad" your brother?

I would have been very grateful if one of my Aunts had reached out to me when I was young...my dad only had brothers and they were both alcoholics too - so those aunts (the wives) were pre-occupied...but my mom's sister was an awesome Auntie - I loved her - yet she never addressed the pain or chaos we were living with... different generation I guess. But if no one talks about REALITY it becomes an unspoken conspiracy of silence and shame about that secret.

Also if some sober adult could've just told me that not everything I was experiencing was due to my Alkie father. That, y'know - adolescence is a time of great change and questioning for everyone, and that it is A LOT to handle your own teenage angst and super hard to also handle all the cr*p coming down from your alcoholic family. There was so much shame for me, it was hard to talk to anyone about what was going on...and I spent so much energy on wishing for a sane family, trying to fix things at home, trying to hide my home life from the world, that I feel like I kind of arrested my development, I mean my family life was chaotic, my body was chaotic, with new growth & hormones and emotions, and my public life was chaotic because when everyone was figuring out who they were I was just trying to hide whatever I was at that moment!!! So completely cuckoo!!!!

Even if he is resistant to talk to you, just inside to know that someone who is rational SEES the insanity, calls it INSANITY and is there and available to talk... it may really help him to get through another day.

If his Dad is your brother then you could share with him the pain you feel having an A brother and tell him some of the stuff you are doing to manage it and that just TRYING is a huge first step...
wishing you and your nephew all the best -
B.

cmc

Maybe you could give him a pamphlet for teens with alcoholic parents. He could read it without feeling pressured and it might help him to open up and share. Once he knows you are available for support it will become his choice if he wants to discuss his feelings with you or not. You sound like a very loving and caring aunt.

grateful2b

don't have much to add to the good stuff already said, but wanted to say, Lucy.... that your Nephew is so blessed to have you in his corner.....

peaceteach

Lucy,
My nephews were older (17 and 19) when they came to live with me for a year. I remember telling the counselor at the high school that I wished I'd known sooner how bad things were at home for the high schooler, but she told me not to worry, that he wouldn't have been ready any earlier anyway. I guess kids need to reach a bottom also before they can feel "right" about leaving a parent's home. They have such loyalty and fear. Keep reassuring your nephew that there is nothing he did to cause this, and there is nothing he can do to change it, that it is in his father's hands, and if he gets scared or is hurting too bad, he can always "take a break" at Aunt Lucy's house, for as long or short as he wants. Open the door, but let it be a little in his hands. He's younger, sure, but he still needs to feel some control, don't you think?

Kindeyes

Your nephew is lucking to have such a special caring Aunt. Letting him know that you are there if he needs to talk sounds like a good idea. You can open the door but it will be up to him if he wants to enter.

gentle hugs

LucyA

thanks everyone, it's difficult sometimes to know what to say to him. I don't want him to think I'm trying to take his mums place or that I'm against his dad (my brother) I also don't want to force him into talking to me if he doesn't feel he wants to. BUT as an adult I can see he's hurting, his behaviour is changining and he's becoming a bit of a bully to be honest ( I know that may happen anyway, but it seems like a control thing with him, like he has no control over his stuff but he found he can control other kids by bullying them) he's also having to look after himself, I know he's cooking his own meals at home sometimes and sometimes his dads meals too (my brother complained the other day that the beans on toast Joe cooked were cold) he's eleven years old soon, he'll be moving on to high school, taking exams, and doing all the other growing up stuff kids do. He should be having a fun life right now, not looking after his dad and worrying all the time. I just don't know what else I can do apart from talk to him but if he doesnt want to I'm stumped for now.

laurie6781

Lucy you can address the problem without talking about the elephant in the room, lol something like this:

"Hey ______ I know this is a 'hard' age you are at right now, and not having a mom around or a woman in the house can make it harder, so, whenever you get tired of your own cooking, or just need a break, you are always welcome to vacation at our house for as long as you need to."

That leaves it open for him to decide when he wants to come to Auntie's house, and for how long, but it also tells him the door is open. Also leaves it open for when he is ready to 'talk.'

Just a suggestion.

Love and hugs,

Barbara52

Do they have counselors in the schools in the UK? Perhaps there is a way you can involve the school?

LucyA

I tried involving his school Barbara, my brother asked the lady I spoke to not to speak with me about Joe again, which is a shame as she was concerned about him and was pleased that someone from the family had bothered to call. I'm just trusting she'll do what's right if the need arises.
I think I'm doing all I can really, I've told Joe he's always welcome, he can phone anytime, he can come do his homework here with my boys, eat here, sleep here, play here, watch tv etc.
Ah well, I can only do what he wants me to do for now. Thank you everyone x

Barbara52

Sounds like you've done what you can with the school. Hopefully they will do what they can with/for your nephew.

You're doing what you can. Don't forget that.