imallright

Tough day. Good day and bad day!!! AH is out looking for a place to live... took our 14 year old with him. I am glad that he is thinking about moving on.... but to involve her?!?!?! He is having a tough time with all this. I guess it's a pity party, but he's not taking any responsibility either. He just keeps saying, "this is what YOU want, not my deal... so here you go". This is so exhausting. I have to keep reminding myself that this is my way to peace and freedom. The emotional energy that I have expended for years is huge compared to what I am doing now. Maybe at some point, this will end and I will feel comfort and peace. I feel sorry for him, because he has or his choice to use or his addiction have totally impacted his life. BUT, I can't continue to let it impact mine. I sometimes start to slip in my resolve to live happily when I feel us "being civil" and maybe start to read this as "ok, it won't be so bad to stay together". I don't want that... but I really struggling. Support, please!!!!!

greeteachday

I'm sorry this is such a tough day and I can relate to that feeling when the chaos takes a break for a little bit, to think maybe it isn't so bad after all. But I have learned that the slogan "nothing changes if nothing changes" sure is true!

Sorry he is quacking too. Unfortunately if he isn't actively working recovery, nothing is ever going to be because of his actions...Always someone else, and why not you?
It is tough, but there really is light at the end of the tunnel and you are moving towards it. You have the right idea...the pain right now is necessary to get to the peace and freedom that is your goal. I tried to visualize the life I wanted to help me through the dark times.

Any Alanon or Naranon meetings around? I found that finding live face to face support...folks who were going through the same things I was or had been there and could share some experience and hope was such a life saver. Lots of hugs.

duet_4-8

So sorry you are struggling. I remember how it was just easier somehow to keep staying in my marriage than to imagine how I could ever get out of it. But, one year later I am out of it and even though it has been actually more difficult, in terms of dealing with exah, than I thought it would be, wild horses couldn't drag me back.

Just keep reminding yourself of your goal and of how great it will be to live in peace, and keep putting one foot in front of the other. ((((HUGS)))))

Spiritual Seeker

" at some point, this will end and I will feel comfort and peace "
You will. You have set your intent, just keep marching in the direction that will provide you with the life you want. You have figured out what you can change, and that is you.
Way to go.

ter4154880

How is it when it finally comes down to "I just cant do this anymore," that its somehow all my fault the marriage failed. I wanted this and Im the bad one for breaking up the family and their now the victim and he must not of done anything to contribute to breaking up the relationship. It comes down to this, My husband is not taking any responsibility in this, he never took any in the first place. he chose to just sit back and take our relationship for granted, not putting any effort into helping it. Sit back and complain how miserable he is and say screw it and go have his beers with the boss. Come home and call me every name in the book but he didnt remember so that shouldnt be his fault,because hes so unhappy that I had some responsibility in making him act like a *******, I am so co-dependent , its sick, I finally realized Im holding on to the fantasy that someday , somehow were going to be one big happy family and work together and be happy, After 13 yrs and going threw the same ol song and dance I said enough, Its only been a week and he moved all his stuff out monday , put it in storage and wants to start our devorce tommorro,(monday) he needs to feel like hes going foward to a new life he says, I told him Ide like to take alittle time atleast a couple weeks before jumping into getting attorneys and starting a devorce,not because Im trying to prolong it but Im hurting right now and just want to let it be alittle, he said im the most selfish person hes ever met. Well we never could agree on anything and this is just another example, I should just do it and get it over with. I got out of this relationship for many reasons, and its not easy, I know its best for me and the kids, I cant control how hes going to act threw this and I just keep trying everyday to remember why I am doing it, I shouldnt feel resentfull and hurt because I feel like its so easy for him to just walk away and already want a devorce, I have to realize we deal with things differently and this is his way of doing it, Thats not my concern anymore and I need to just let him go. Its the start of healing and living the life I wanted for so long, no more vicious cycles of anger and hurt, fighting, worring, ect etc, God has a plan for me if I do 'his will' and let go of mine, the pain stops here. Good luck,

jen960

Because that is what addicts do. All those behaviors you are saying are just like when I left my husband. They want the divorce and to move on yesterday! Because that will solve all their problems. Yeah right... I find my husbands way of controlling a situation is to hurt me. They seem to know where it hits the hardest too. Love to you all.

imallright

Is there strength in numbers? I sure hope so, cause I need all the strength and support I can get. Ter, I know what you are saying and feeling. I am a mess. I know that living with someone with a drug problem (active or not) that has impacted my entire life for the past 25+ years is wrong. I know that I deserve more. In the meantime, I am feeling like I could die. My son is trying to stay neutral and in the meantime, I watch the pain on his face. My daughter is so angry and is lashing out at me in anyway she can. But, her Dad... he's the fun one, poor Dad, how can Mom do this. My husband has the shovel out and is heaping the guilt on me. I am trying to deflect it, but it's heavy! I feel lost, alone, sad, angry, exhausted. I can't sleep and I feel sick all the time. I know that I have to go through the grief, but this killing me. Ok, staying with him and allowing my life to be as it has been for 25 years is killing me too. I don't know where to turn (besides here). I try to make myself move forward, get out, etc. But I have nobody to talk to, nobody to do anything with. My daughter wants nothing to do with me unless I am signing a check! Friends.... nope. Too many years of trying to hold it all together and not much fun. I have to move from this spot. Please help me.

Spiritual Seeker

Have you given Al-anon meetings a try ?
I have made a few very special friends from my mtg.
Also, it is helpful to have an al-anon sponsor to talk to and work the steps with.

jen960

Al Anon is a great place to be right now. When the going gets tough I go to as many meetings as I can.

imallright

Jen.... you are correct. I need to go. There is a meeting tomorrow night near my home. Am going to try to get there. Thanks!

ter4154880

I wish there was something I could say and it would magically help us both, but the truth is we have no choice but to just listen to our heart and stay strong and true to ourselves, (for once). It is going to be hard no matter what. I can only offer suggestions as to what Ive been doing and it has helped. Ist I am living only in today, I can only handle what is going on at this moment, tommorro dont matter and yesturday is gone. Ive been reading books on co-dependency, if you can get the book co-dependent no more please try to read it, I also try to remember that I have an obligation as the mother of my 4 kids to provide them with a safe ,loving home. My kids range from 5 yrs to 19 yrs old. I cant contol how he involves the kids in this and I dont always agree but the kids will grow up and understand someday that I did what I thought was best for all of us and I think they already know that I am doing this for the right reasons but theres all the emotionally stuff and crying they miss him , I never talk bad about there dad, all I can do is try to be there for them. I still feel resentfull that its so easy for him to just call and say after a week of not seeing them "I want to pick up the kids for a hour", well glad you have a hour to spend but ones at a freinds and the other has a freind over , there off all week for spring break , just call ahead of time and Ill have them ready , its not just about him and his feelings or his scedule.I am sure there stages we'll go threw and good days and bad but just keep remembering this is not because you did something wrong, its about not being happy and secure in a marriage and your family is suffering, Try to look foward to the future and beleive that one day this is all going to be ok, youll get stronger and your feelings will change and it will get easier, I like to remember also that its ok to hurt, to cry , you dont have to feel so alone, there millions of women going threw the same thing we are, Its important to get help from someone, I have a few freinds in AA that support me and listen when I need, I spend time outside my home so I dont get so into thinking of this all the time, take time to go for a walk, read all the self help books you can stand , I know everyone is quick to say go get councling and thats a struggle I work with everyday, I always fight to keep my self reliance and I like to do things my way but my way of thinking is not always good, a counclor can help you realize that you deserve a happy life , and just listening to someone else sometimes or they validate how your feeling and Im on the right track ,gives me strength that I am doing the right thing, Self dought is what will bring you down. Get angry if you have to, stand up for yourself, were going to go threw all the stages of anger hurt, loneliness, but thats how we'll get to the end result, HAPPINESS, I really feel for you and I wish you all the best, please feel free to write as often as you like, maybe we can get threw this together.

imallright

Thank you so much. Again we are living very similar lives. Only I have two kids, not four. I just finished reading Codependent No More. It is totally amazing. I found myself on so many pages, but also found some helpful ways to cope. Stay in touch, we can help each other. One day, one minute at a time, right??? PS... I am seeing a counselor who is fantastic. It really helps.