Bittersweet..
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2008
Posts: 480
Bittersweet..
I can't believe I did it...I gave my 30 day notice yesterday and I found a small rental house that ALLOWS my dogs!!! I rushed in yesterday and put down a deposit to hold it so they would not show it anymore.
I'm somewhat overwhelmed and although I am really happy and relieved that I found a place, I am scared, as I know this means I will be leaving exabf for good...
Breakups are always so very very hard, especially for me as I am so sensitive.
He doesn't know anything about me finding a place and keeps asking me over and over about it. Any ideas on what I should say? I guess I am afraid to tell him because he will make things hard around here for me. He will be really mad I think.
It's all so bittersweet...
I'm somewhat overwhelmed and although I am really happy and relieved that I found a place, I am scared, as I know this means I will be leaving exabf for good...
Breakups are always so very very hard, especially for me as I am so sensitive.He doesn't know anything about me finding a place and keeps asking me over and over about it. Any ideas on what I should say? I guess I am afraid to tell him because he will make things hard around here for me. He will be really mad I think.
It's all so bittersweet...
Member
Join Date: Jul 2007
Location: Southern California
Posts: 47
Congrats on getting your new place! I know how hard it is to get a place with pets, I have a cat, and landlords can be very picky about that, you know? I am happy for you!
If I were you, I would not tell him about it at all, at least not yet. Addicts can be very manipulative especially when they know they are losing you. He may do eveything he can to stop you from leaving, making you feel very guilty about leaving, convincing you he will change just to make you stay, etc.... I would just avoid all these dramas by not telling him.
If I were you, I would not tell him about it at all, at least not yet. Addicts can be very manipulative especially when they know they are losing you. He may do eveything he can to stop you from leaving, making you feel very guilty about leaving, convincing you he will change just to make you stay, etc.... I would just avoid all these dramas by not telling him.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2008
Posts: 480
Thanks Mskattie!
I feel like I'm more afraid he may become really angry if I tell him. As though I may find myself in an verbally or maybe even an abusive type situation. He definitely intimidates me.
I feel like I'm more afraid he may become really angry if I tell him. As though I may find myself in an verbally or maybe even an abusive type situation. He definitely intimidates me.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2007
Posts: 1,322
Although never physical, I always sensed that in my exAH. I avoided confrontation to the max, and it served me well. There is simply no point in talking with an active alcoholic. Also, do you WANT him to know where you will be right away? Maybe you can mull this over for a day or two, list yourself some boundaries regarding how you want YOUR home to be and what you don't want invading your safe haven. You don't really have to tell him anything. Did he ever let you know what all he was really doing?
How soon can you move in? I'd be rushing that if it were me.
How soon can you move in? I'd be rushing that if it were me.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2008
Posts: 480
Thanks peaceteach
No, I really don't want him to know anything as far as where I will be living, I mean there is no point. There is something about the way he asks me questions that I have a hard time not answering honestly. I am not very good at being assertive. If I were to say to him "I prefer not to answer that" he keeps on me, wears me down. I usually retreat to my room and lock the door, sometimes he follows me up there and tries to continue asking me questions. He usually keeps on and on and then starts calling me names and says "why do you have to be this way, why are you overreacting?"
Lately I have detached a lot from him, but I can't handle him in my face asking me questions.
I can't move in until April 15th.
No, I really don't want him to know anything as far as where I will be living, I mean there is no point. There is something about the way he asks me questions that I have a hard time not answering honestly. I am not very good at being assertive. If I were to say to him "I prefer not to answer that" he keeps on me, wears me down. I usually retreat to my room and lock the door, sometimes he follows me up there and tries to continue asking me questions. He usually keeps on and on and then starts calling me names and says "why do you have to be this way, why are you overreacting?"
Lately I have detached a lot from him, but I can't handle him in my face asking me questions.
I can't move in until April 15th.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2006
Location: Stumbling toward happiness
Posts: 4,706
Lexus,
I tried to be honest with my X when I found a place and planned to move out. I told him everything, thinking it was the right and brave thing to do. What I got was sheer hell for days and days on end, sleepless nights, screaming in my face, name calling, my property destroyed or missing, him screening my calls when I wasn't home, hacking into my computer and screening my emails, etc.
Luckily, I caught a break and was able to move in sooner than expected. Since he was going apesh*t, I wanted out NOW and moved into a Hampton Inn & Suites for a week while I waited. It didn't cost as much as I thought it would, and our local one accepted dogs...mine went to doggie daycare while I was at work. It was such a relief to get away from the chinese water torture of him constantly trying to wear me down with his self-centered emotional torture. I also got a PO Box and that same day had all the mail with my name on it rerouted to the box so he couldn't touch it, changed all my Internet passwords too, and let everyone know to reach me on my cell phone.
You may want to scout out a safe place like this, especially if he's already making your life hell by picking picking picking at you, which is terrifically stressful. Have a plan of escape --- trust me when I say that even the most mild-mannered man can turn into a very dangerous animal in this situation.
Take care of yourself, hope for the best, prepare for the worst.
I tried to be honest with my X when I found a place and planned to move out. I told him everything, thinking it was the right and brave thing to do. What I got was sheer hell for days and days on end, sleepless nights, screaming in my face, name calling, my property destroyed or missing, him screening my calls when I wasn't home, hacking into my computer and screening my emails, etc.
Luckily, I caught a break and was able to move in sooner than expected. Since he was going apesh*t, I wanted out NOW and moved into a Hampton Inn & Suites for a week while I waited. It didn't cost as much as I thought it would, and our local one accepted dogs...mine went to doggie daycare while I was at work. It was such a relief to get away from the chinese water torture of him constantly trying to wear me down with his self-centered emotional torture. I also got a PO Box and that same day had all the mail with my name on it rerouted to the box so he couldn't touch it, changed all my Internet passwords too, and let everyone know to reach me on my cell phone.
You may want to scout out a safe place like this, especially if he's already making your life hell by picking picking picking at you, which is terrifically stressful. Have a plan of escape --- trust me when I say that even the most mild-mannered man can turn into a very dangerous animal in this situation.
Take care of yourself, hope for the best, prepare for the worst.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2007
Location: Arlington, VA
Posts: 4,290
I am so glad to hear you found a place! That is great news!
When I left my AH I did not tell him (or very many folks at all) where I was. I lived in someone's basement for a couple of months til my apartment was available. I didn't want to tak eth echance of AH showing up and causing problems at the other person's house. Once I was in my apartment I no longer hid where I was but I've never directly talked to AH aout it either.
When I left my AH I did not tell him (or very many folks at all) where I was. I lived in someone's basement for a couple of months til my apartment was available. I didn't want to tak eth echance of AH showing up and causing problems at the other person's house. Once I was in my apartment I no longer hid where I was but I've never directly talked to AH aout it either.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2008
Posts: 480
Thanks Givelove and Barb!!! Someone's definitely looking out for me from above. I'm pretty lucky to have found this place.
Here's the catch. He will know I'm moving as I will be packing and eventually moving stuff. Also he's laid off right now and possibly will be when I get ready to move. I have a feeling its going to get ugly with him. Oh well screw him, after all that he's done to me why should I even feel guilty?
This is MY life!!
Someone's definitely looking out for me from above. I'm pretty lucky to have found this place.Here's the catch. He will know I'm moving as I will be packing and eventually moving stuff. Also he's laid off right now and possibly will be when I get ready to move. I have a feeling its going to get ugly with him. Oh well screw him, after all that he's done to me why should I even feel guilty?
This is MY life!!
Member
Join Date: Feb 2008
Posts: 902
Hey Lexusgirl!
Congrats on finding the new place and (((lexusgirl)))! I know this is really hard and you will have to dig deep to get through the next 30 days.
When I left the ex that I lived with who was/is an addict. I told him I was leaving at the end of the month. He cried a lot, but I didn't budge. He kept pushing, so I told him that I viewed this move as a separation so we could figure things out and maybe eventually work things out. I realize that was very manipulative of me, but he was doing a lot of crazy things that I thought would get worse if I didn't do something to save my own sanity. He was also laid off 4 days before I told him. Actually, he called and told me he lost his job while I was on my way to look at an apartment. Anyway, I packed and he watched, but didn't offer to help at all, so I hired movers. Looking back, I don't think I would change it because I minimized things a bit and figured he put me through the paces for his own selfish reasons and it was ok for me to protect myself this way. Maybe that was selfish for me to do. I guess I just viewed it as survival.
Hope this helps!!! 29 more days as this one is close to being over!
FYI - Your local police may be able to come and give you an escort out. It might be worth it to give them a call and check. They don't do it here, but do in other places.
Congrats on finding the new place and (((lexusgirl)))! I know this is really hard and you will have to dig deep to get through the next 30 days.
When I left the ex that I lived with who was/is an addict. I told him I was leaving at the end of the month. He cried a lot, but I didn't budge. He kept pushing, so I told him that I viewed this move as a separation so we could figure things out and maybe eventually work things out. I realize that was very manipulative of me, but he was doing a lot of crazy things that I thought would get worse if I didn't do something to save my own sanity. He was also laid off 4 days before I told him. Actually, he called and told me he lost his job while I was on my way to look at an apartment. Anyway, I packed and he watched, but didn't offer to help at all, so I hired movers. Looking back, I don't think I would change it because I minimized things a bit and figured he put me through the paces for his own selfish reasons and it was ok for me to protect myself this way. Maybe that was selfish for me to do. I guess I just viewed it as survival.
Hope this helps!!! 29 more days as this one is close to being over!
FYI - Your local police may be able to come and give you an escort out. It might be worth it to give them a call and check. They don't do it here, but do in other places.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2008
Posts: 480
NYC Chick and Barb...You both are so helpful and inspirational. I know I need now more then ever to be strong and live in an environment that I feel safe and healthy in. I am going through a lot of stress and emotional stuff with something else in my life and I need to put ALL of my focus into that. I don't have time for abf's drama and crap. Nor do I want to deal with his screwed up family and friends anymore. It's pretty sad when you can't even spend any time with his friends or family as pretty much all of them are A's. (not joking)
I fear being around them and how outta hand things get.
I have also been thinking a lot about this, and it's not only his drinking that I can't live with, but his unacceptable behavior, choices he makes in friends, and basically that he feels most comfortable surrounding himself with addicts and alcoholics. Birds of a feather flock together. It's just not my ideal lifestyle but he says I am "uptight" and judgemental.
I know I need now more then ever to be strong and live in an environment that I feel safe and healthy in. I am going through a lot of stress and emotional stuff with something else in my life and I need to put ALL of my focus into that. I don't have time for abf's drama and crap. Nor do I want to deal with his screwed up family and friends anymore. It's pretty sad when you can't even spend any time with his friends or family as pretty much all of them are A's. (not joking)I fear being around them and how outta hand things get.
I have also been thinking a lot about this, and it's not only his drinking that I can't live with, but his unacceptable behavior, choices he makes in friends, and basically that he feels most comfortable surrounding himself with addicts and alcoholics. Birds of a feather flock together. It's just not my ideal lifestyle but he says I am "uptight" and judgemental.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: Boston
Posts: 2,936
Hey Lexus-
Super news that you have found a place!
Keep that peaceful haven in your mind and don't let him wheedle any info out of you!!
I mean you're dealing with an irrational person, face it, and you do not OWE this person anything!! Nothing. What you're doing is NORMAL!!! And GOOD!!! You're breaking up with someone. That's all. You're movin' on. Happens all the time in the "real world" and for all kinds of reasons - people break up because their partner is an alcoholic or addict, or because their partner has cheated, or because their partner isn't fulfilling their needs, or because they've just grown apart or want different things in life!! You have the right, just like everybody else and you do not owe an explanation to anyone....except your dogs!!
You can tell him whatever excuse will make this easier for YOU!! Use "I" statements. "I'm so unhappy, I need to find myself..." "I need space..." "I'm no good for you!!!" Whatever! You aren't obligated to tell him it is alcohol or the whole culture of alcohol that is surrounding him. The word "drinking" doesn't even need to come up!!!
Do you have a favorite picture of yourself as a little girl? Keep that with you and say WHATEVER the hell you want to whoever needs to hear it to protect that little girl and get her out and movin' on to her new life!! That's really the only person you are obligated to, and that's why what you're doing is so totally great and inspiring. So if you need to be sneaky or lie you go ahead and be sneaky or lie - you are protecting one vulnerable and precious little girl.
Peaceteach, NYCChick, MsKattie, Givelove and Barb all gave you great advice! They have been through this very very thing. Draw on their strength and keep YOUR allies around you as much as possible...friends, family, police, big thuggish movers---whatever it takes!!
One day at a time and Apr 15 will come very soon--keep your eye on the prize!!
Super news that you have found a place!
Keep that peaceful haven in your mind and don't let him wheedle any info out of you!!
I mean you're dealing with an irrational person, face it, and you do not OWE this person anything!! Nothing. What you're doing is NORMAL!!! And GOOD!!! You're breaking up with someone. That's all. You're movin' on. Happens all the time in the "real world" and for all kinds of reasons - people break up because their partner is an alcoholic or addict, or because their partner has cheated, or because their partner isn't fulfilling their needs, or because they've just grown apart or want different things in life!! You have the right, just like everybody else and you do not owe an explanation to anyone....except your dogs!!
You can tell him whatever excuse will make this easier for YOU!! Use "I" statements. "I'm so unhappy, I need to find myself..." "I need space..." "I'm no good for you!!!" Whatever! You aren't obligated to tell him it is alcohol or the whole culture of alcohol that is surrounding him. The word "drinking" doesn't even need to come up!!!
Do you have a favorite picture of yourself as a little girl? Keep that with you and say WHATEVER the hell you want to whoever needs to hear it to protect that little girl and get her out and movin' on to her new life!! That's really the only person you are obligated to, and that's why what you're doing is so totally great and inspiring. So if you need to be sneaky or lie you go ahead and be sneaky or lie - you are protecting one vulnerable and precious little girl.
Peaceteach, NYCChick, MsKattie, Givelove and Barb all gave you great advice! They have been through this very very thing. Draw on their strength and keep YOUR allies around you as much as possible...friends, family, police, big thuggish movers---whatever it takes!!
One day at a time and Apr 15 will come very soon--keep your eye on the prize!!
Member
Join Date: Nov 2007
Location: Texas
Posts: 26
Originally Posted by lexusgirl 
Thanks peaceteach
No, I really don't want him to know anything as far as where I will be living, I mean there is no point. There is something about the way he asks me questions that I have a hard time not answering honestly. I am not very good at being assertive. If I were to say to him "I prefer not to answer that" he keeps on me, wears me down. I usually retreat to my room and lock the door, sometimes he follows me up there and tries to continue asking me questions. He usually keeps on and on and then starts calling me names and says "why do you have to be this way, why are you overreacting?"
Lately I have detached a lot from him, but I can't handle him in my face asking me questions.
I can't move in until April 15th.
No, I really don't want him to know anything as far as where I will be living, I mean there is no point. There is something about the way he asks me questions that I have a hard time not answering honestly. I am not very good at being assertive. If I were to say to him "I prefer not to answer that" he keeps on me, wears me down. I usually retreat to my room and lock the door, sometimes he follows me up there and tries to continue asking me questions. He usually keeps on and on and then starts calling me names and says "why do you have to be this way, why are you overreacting?"
Lately I have detached a lot from him, but I can't handle him in my face asking me questions.
I can't move in until April 15th.
This was exactly like my situation with my first husband (not an alcoholic). I went to a therapist for advice because he would constantly question me, follow me around, etc. Her advice was to not engage in any conversation at all except for necessary conversation about property, finances, kids, etc. If your SO asks you something you don't want to answer, do not respond or react. This may feel weird at first, but the bottom line is that they cannot keep up an argument all on their own. If he follows you ... try to get out of the house for a while.
Usually the abuser (and that behavior IS abusive) will ramp it up in order to get a reaction. If you think you will be physcially harmed get out immediately, otherwise, just don't respond - even when he calls you names. Let him argue with himself.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2008
Posts: 480
Thanks for all the great and helpful replies!! You all rock!
I'm sorta moving on from being so angry with him, and today I thought as I looked at him, this man will be outta of my life possibly forever...and how could you have been my best friend only for it to end this way..I already know the answer, it's just my head and heart need to be in the same place..
I'm sorta moving on from being so angry with him, and today I thought as I looked at him, this man will be outta of my life possibly forever...and how could you have been my best friend only for it to end this way..I already know the answer, it's just my head and heart need to be in the same place..
Member
Join Date: Jul 2007
Location: Wales
Posts: 523
Lexusgirl ((())))just want to say good luck with your new home and that you embrace the normality that comes without the addict in your life. This will be the start of your new life, how exciting!!!!!!
Mairxx
Mairxx
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