Wascally Wabbit

Is it just me?
I tend to get quite upset with my mother, and try to let go of it. I do pretty good too. But, it seems that I get in to ruts where I find myself rehearsing conversations with my mother all the time. It's like, "Things I wish I had the guts to say to your face, but am too terrified of hurting your feelings to actually do it"

I was at work in a closet type area thinking I was alone, and just bitching away at her and someone overheard me.

I felt like an idiot, and I am quite sure I sounded like one too.

Lately, it has become obsessive with me. I hate it. I have learned I can politely refuse demanding requests. But, deep in side, what I really want to say is, "I have listened to your non stop complaining all my da&m llife and I don't wanna hear another freaking complaint EVER from you, DO YOU UNDERSTAND? I am absolutely and completely SICK TO DEATH OF IT!"

If I actually did fly off the handle and say something like that, she'd start crying and "act" like she didn't understand a word I just said.

You know what? I went to visit her one weekend a few years ago. When I get there, she announced that I was going to a speaker meeting with her. Ok, so I went. I was shocked when she said to me that I was going to be the one to present her with her 27 year chip. I was railroaded! I really didn't have time to respond! I got up there all nervous, and lauded my mother, and told them all how proud I was of her.

I have resented myself for allowing her to do that to me. But that was pre alanon.
She just wanted to look good for all of AA people attending. As though because she quit drinking, that everything was hunkie dorie now, even tho she never practiced the 9th step with her own children. (that was a rant, sorry)

Help me out here, SR. How do I stop constantly rehearsing conversations (and getting heard by employees who overhear me!)?

Growing

Why....you come here...and try all of your conversations out on us...of course!

We are here for you!

Hugs!

Growing

peaceteach

I really like shouting it out in my car.....

My father died a few years ago. Now I just say outloud, "See? I told you we were a great group of kids. NOW YOU KNOW."

GingerM

This is part of the psychological phenomenon of "repeat until resolved" where, if we feel we messsed something up or got it wrong, we try it again a slightly different way. It is how we learn under normal circumstances, but when no resolution is apparent, we often get stuck in the cycle and can't get out.

I always know when there's something unresolved in my life because I start having long conversations (well, yelling matches really, which isn't even my style) with people who aren't there.

The key to making the conversations go away is to find a way to resolve it. Acceptance, Action, Absolution, whatever the resolution is, it will make the talking to yourself thing go away because your mind can let go of it (whatever "it" is).

Remember that sometimes (often, in families like ours) a lack of resolution is a resolution by itself. If you can accept that some things simply can't be resolved, then it will bring much peace to you.

I wish you luck.

Wascally Wabbit

Wow. That is a pretty powerful statement. I can see where it will work if I can figure out how to make myself accept the fact that it will never be resolved. Thanks, Ginger.

GingerM

It's a lot easier to say it than do it At least in my experience! I knew it for years, but it took (counts on fingers) at least 5 years for me to finally be able to do it. I think the acceptance comes in little bits at a time over a long period. At least I don't know of anyone who was able to say "oh well, fiddle dee dee, I'll just accept that there is no resolution and move on with no baggage" and actually have it be real (I've heard lots of people fool themselves into thinking they can though, but their actions never supported their words).

Grace2u

Oh NO, Wabbit!! It isn't just you!! I've done the same sort of obsessive rehearsing. For me it lasted about 5 or 6 months, then finally started to stop. But when I was obsessing, I can remember suddenly realizing, "My gosh, I'm driving in my car, and I can'
t even remember where I'm going or why"! That's how bad it got. The good `ol Serenity Prayer really helps with this if we can remind ourselves to pray every day "for the wisdom to know the difference". Much love to you, and again, you're NOT alone!

GiveLove

Wabbit,

In an ideal world, we would always be able to find a way to express the feelings you're "rehearsing" in a way that won't make the object of them (your mom in this situation) angry, sad, etc.

Sometimes, making them mad or sad is just not something we can avoid, if the truths are rough ones. We have to find a way to be really brave and really kind and really nonjudgmental and really honest all at the same time. There's a tiny sliver of ground where we can take a deep breath and say out loud, "You know what? I love you to death but that thing you just said/did made me really p|ssed off at you, and made me want to hang up the phone/walk out the door/etc. Would you mind not ever doing that again? If you don't knock it off, I may give in to my instinct next time, because I don't feel a need to be treated like that/spoken to like that/etc."

See where the bravery comes in? I'm hyperventilating just writing it. We're conditioned to think that this kind of conversation is impossible. Sometimes it is, sometimes you just have to flex your muscles and try it a little.

I have a friend who is extremely stable -- kind, detached, loving, peaceful. She's my role model for this. I watch her, and how she handles situations with this kind of grace and strength and honesty, and I run home and write in my journal exactly what she said!!!! I'm trying to learn how to be as socially brave as she is.

The more I practice that, the less I seem to have to practice the darker, angrier way of dealing with things. I still have a looonnnnnng way to go.....but I know I want to get there. I've had those storage closet days too, and they are a waste of energy and time, for me !!!

Good luck, Wabbit.