LettingGo

What is wrong with me? I am newly sober (25 days if I make it thru today), and also a confirmed member of Alanon/ Naranon and whatever other anon is available :-) I went through a marriage that turned out horrible. My ex husband turned into a meth head, and alchoholic. It was awful, and he lied innumerable lies to me. He sold drugs, endangered our family and we were raided by the police. It was so traumatic that I still dream about it. I have since remarried, probably too soon, but to a man I do love. He is a good guy and loves my kids to death. He appears to be able to handle his drinking, a normie I guess. Well I am finding in my sobriety, that I am all of a sudden suspicious and jealous! This is eating me alive. Part of me feels like I was screwed over so bad by my first husband that I truly could not handle it if it were to happen again. This is brought on by my current husband going to a bar, again without me after we discussed how that made me feel, and staying out till 1 am when he said he would stay just for a little while. This is a place where we both know a lot a people and it is likley that friends showed up so plans changed. But in any case, I find myself in the middle of an Alanon relapse! He got in the shower this morning and what do I do? Yes everyone say it with me here, " I snooped in his pants he wore lastnight!" I know this is an Alanon no-no! I know this does me no good here. But since I did look I saw what he drank. There were bottled beers (that is the ususal) and then 2 draft beers! OK he NEVER drinks draft! My mind is saying, "Jamie, who did he buy that for? He doesn't drink draft etc.... he got home at 1am and the tab was paid at 11:30. "

I am going nuts here! My hands are shaking, my heart is racing, and I am mentally back where I was with my ex husband. These are the times that I used to numb myself with my Xanax. I need some help here ladies. Am I freaking out over nothing? Should I be suspicious? Is it wrong for me to say dont go without me to the bar? AAAAHHH....................

liddy

letting go

slow down ! I can understand having been burnt once,but you say other friends hang out there, so, couldnt he have bought them a drink. why not ask him about the evening and feel him out on it. in other words give him a chance.
hey, maybe i would of checked out the pants too dont be hard on yourself. your going through your own recovery now, be concerned with what you need to do to stay healthy. If he hasnt given you reason in the past to suspect him of something then dont make too much out of it.
Letting Go - head for a meeting and get your thoughts together
Hugs
liddy

EmotionalMeg

Hi Letting go,
What occurred to me in your post is that (like you said) you never had any healing or closure from your previous marrige... and it is obviously still haunting you today. Also, being an A in recovery yourself, the last thing you need is to be in a relationship with someone who does NOT support these issues. If you have honestly expressed your feelings to your current husband regarding your recovery, and he STILL continues to drink and be unsupportive, then perhaps you need to rethink your motivation for continuing the relationship... at least NOW.

And it can start as simple as with turning the focus back on who is MOST important - YOU. Involve yourself in taking care of the things you need and want; things that are healthy for your soul. Practice detachment and letting go, where your husband is concerned... and get to a meeting!

We are all given the advantage of time... there is no rush to make the right decisions. Oh ya, and give yourself a pat on the back for recognizing YOUR part in your own unhappiness... that is no simple task.

Take care, and come back!
Meg

prettywoman

I was reading your post and several things come to mind. I feel that maybe you have not fully healed from your first bad relationship and perhaps jumped into the next one to fast and maybe even for all the wrong reasons.

I feel that when a man and a woman are together and love one another , there is no need to go alone into bars and drink. I am not saying that there is anything wrong with going out with buddies sometimes but I feel that when you are married why do you need to go in the first place? Why not take you to a nice dinner or take you with him?

I feel that this is where trouble starts, going out alone.

There is a big trust issue. When you trust your mate, you do not "snoop" around. The fact that you "feel" you need to do this already shows you that there is a problem here.

I always say.....if it walks like a duck, if it looks like a duck.....it is a duck!

I feel that you need to heal yourself first. Taking care of you and your needs. I noticed you said something about an AlAnon no no......well you do as you please and not worry about what AlAnon may think, who cares ? if it feels right to you so be it.

I understand how hard this must be for you. It is never easy but we all have to make choices and you got many of them. Start with finding out who you are, what you want and find a way to inner peace, self respect and self love. If you do not have this inside of you, you will NOT be able to receive it in a healthy way.

I wish you luck and am sending you many blessings. Be strong! Remember, this is your life, handle it!

Morning Glory

I really think this goes much deeper than this relationship or your last relationship. I lived with what you are going through for many years. Very painful emotions.

#1 is focus on sobriety. Do what ever you have to do to stay sober. These emotions will pass. Don't be afraid to feel them.
The fear and pain you are feeling are much bigger than this incident with your husband. They are probably coming from somewhere else. Everything used to hurt me until I was healed of past issues.

The first part of awareness for me was that I was responsible for my own feelings. They were mine and controling another person was not the answer to stop the hurting. That had to come from within me.

Sending a big hug and lots of love,

Hugs,
MG