Talking to extended family

Old 03-13-2008, 11:03 PM
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Talking to extended family

Both my parents drank quite a lot, and still do. I think my father used to be the bigger drinker, but the weight may have shifted to my mother. They were after-5pm drinkers who got in verbally abusive fights and nearly tore the house down. (I think it's bleeding into earlier parts of the day, now). I used to inject myself in the middle to mediate. I live in a different state now.

I recently started talking about this stuff to my half-sister (father's daughter from 1st marriage) who is 16 years older than me. We have always been in touch, but I hadn't wanted to mention this stuff. When I started to talk about it (via email), the very next time the caller ID on my cell phone said my mother was calling, my very first thought was "oh ****, she knows, and I'm in trouble." Which of course wasn't true. But I hate that this is my automatic reaction.

Next week, I am going to visit my Aunt and Uncle. My aunt is my mother's sister. We used to visit them once a year, and vice versa. I suspect they always saw the trouble. A couple years ago, they started staying in a hotel instead of at my parents' house. This year, they didn't come at all, citing other family obligations. My Aunt and Uncle have always been generous and loving to me and my 2 younger brothers. They even took us each on a week long vacation to Mexico, separately.

I am trying to figure out how much, and what to tell them about my recovery. The last time I told my Aunt about a problem I was having which was only very indirectly related to my Mother, my Mother called to yell at me (I was in extreme physical pain and alone at the time, but comforting me was the last thing on her mind). Also, the last time I wondered aloud about asking my Aunt for help with my taxes (she used to be an accountant) my Dad yelled at me for not being smart enough to do it myself.

It will be a very long week if I spend it holding everything back. But I also don't want to do it in a way that blames my parents or asks my aunt and uncle to side with/pity me. I imagine the first sentence will be the hardest part.

Any E - S - H ?
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Old 03-14-2008, 08:24 AM
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Absent,

It's always hard to know how much to talk about, how much not to, and when.

Is it necessary for YOU to bring it up first? Have you considered maybe just letting them bring it up, if it's a topic they are interested in talking about and comfortable talking about....and not bringing it up if they don't?

I am currently trying to practice that. My MIL has asked after my substance-abusing family members, and the response I feel is best is, "I love them, but they are going through some things right now that make it impossible for me to be around them. I'm not comfortable with their substance abuse or how it makes them act, and hope they find a way out of their problems soon. They can't be happy this way."

And that's it.

This is, after all, YOUR recovery, not theirs. It doesn't always have to involve total candor with everyone else who may be connected with the situation. (what is your motivation for telling them? really ponder that and be brutally honest with yourself) In many situations, people are forced into uncomfortable spaces when we try to force them to be part of our recovery process. And just the fact that anything you tell your aunt/uncle seems to get back to your folks tells me that they are not exactly confidential, impartial listeners.

And if the topic comes up, think about your own way (like the above) that is 100% objective, honest, and non-judgmental. They'll respect you more, and if the truth DOES get back to your parents, it won't be anything you're ashamed of. Your parents' relationship with each other is not your business; judgment doesn't do anything but keep you in the fray.

Enjoy their love and support while you're there. Live in the moment and let them talk about what's important to them. Explore new things, have fun, be a part of their life. Your recovery doesn't have to be the focal point of your whole visit, as much as it may be top-of-mind for you. Detachment is getting on with the rest of the joyful things in your life -- maybe this will be a good time to practice it.

Just my two cents' worth.....good luck, Absent!

GL
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Old 03-14-2008, 02:33 PM
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Originally Posted by GiveLove View Post

And just the fact that anything you tell your aunt/uncle seems to get back to your folks tells me that they are not exactly confidential, impartial listeners.
Great post GL!

Absent,

IMHO, I would not be at all open about my parents, how I was raised or anything really personal or recovery related, other than generalized terms, like GL stated, with these relatives in particular. What I did when I was in this situation was to only say things that I was comfortable with my parents knowing....because these relatives are going to tell them anyway.

In the past, I would have held this against my "aunts" or "uncles". But today, I like GL's advice:

"Enjoy their love and support while you're there. Live in the moment and let them talk about what's important to them. Explore new things, have fun, be a part of their life. Your recovery doesn't have to be the focal point of your whole visit, as much as it may be top-of-mind for you. Detachment is getting on with the rest of the joyful things in your life -- maybe this will be a good time to practice it."
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Old 03-14-2008, 05:50 PM
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I can tell you from experience that other family members don't care to get dragged into "my" recovery. The last time I tried to talk to a family member, I was forever shunned by that person! It hurt too. Maybe it's because they didn't know how to handle the information. What ever reason, I wish I had never said anything. I was desperately reaching out for help. I guess I went to the wrong person.

Now, I stay quiet and only talk about it to fellow alanoners and of course, my fellow SR friends!

If you feel you need to talk to them, try asking them why they don't come and stay any more.
Let them tell you.
They might not tell you anything. Of course you know them well enough to know if you could trust them and talk to them.
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