LaTeeDa

Before I married my AH, if anyone would have asked me what my dealbreakers were, I probably would have said physical abuse and cheating. That's it. I never really thought about what I wouldn't be able or willing to live with other than those two things.

I think now if someone asked me, I'd have to get back to them because it would be a long list.

This was inspired by the question on another thread about is it okay for someone to disrespect your privacy just because you are married to them or live with them. My answer--hell no! I don't care if someone disagrees with my opinion, but to dismiss it as not valid and continue on anyway....yep, dealbreaker.

Anybody else expanded their list of dealbreakers?

L

Barbara52

Like you, once upon a time my list would have consisted of infidelity and abuse. Not any more! The list now includes all sorts of behaviors that I cannot tolerate in a meaningful relationship. Such as being emotionally distant, lacking in integrity, inability to accept life as it comes at ya, willingness to live in denial, inability to grow and change and lots more.

I think its because I finally value myself and am learning to live up to my standards and beliefs rather than just mouthing them.

nowinsituation

My list is getting quite longer, too! Add these --

Lying (a biggie)
Poor Hygiene (unfortunately - this became a reality with my AH)
Pessimistic attitude/Victim mentality

LaTeeDa

Refusing to take responsibility for ones actions/admit to a mistake
Closed-mindedness
Financial irresponsibility
Making promises--then breaking them with no valid reason

Just a small portion of my list that comes to mind......

L

Barbara52

Oh yeah! I forgot the poor hygiene thing. Ugh!

Lilyflower

So glad you have started this thread LTD, I was just thinking about mine and I only got three, cheating, lying, and stealing, and I couldn't think of any more.

Strangely I didn't think of abuse. Physical abuse would be a dealbreaker for me. Am I too soft hearted in thinking that emotional and verbal abuse can be dealt with through boundaries? I wonder if my past relationship problems were because of my nature to try and make things work out, instead of saying sorry thats a dealbreaker for me!

Lily xxxxxxxxxx

LaTeeDa

Well, I have a huge and all-encomapassing one now. DISRESPECT. That covers quite a bit, including emotional and verbal abuse. And, I also consider it to cover disrespect for others, too, not just me. I figure if someone is disrespectful to anyone, it will eventually get turned on me.

L

denny57

If someone is in my life and ANYTHING they do causes me to feel badly about myself, that it's. Deal is over.

LaTeeDa

My question for you is why would you even want to be with someone who abused you? Do you realize that you are worthy of being loved, not abused? I know you are, Lily. You deserve to be treated with respect. Disagreements can be worked out, not abuse.

L

Barbara52

Softhearted, no. But perhaps not willing to fully accept that abuse is abuse is abuse.

Lilyflower

Thats scary to read. My mind is whirring now. I'm looking at every relationship in my life, family friends etc and ALL of them have had some sort of verbal/emotional abuse linked to them. I've been called a ''selfish b***h'' by my own mum and dad and told that ''You are the cause of all the pain in this family'' by my mum. I don't really have lots of friends, but looking back on ones I've had they too were the same, I left school at 17 after being bullied and I've never really had close friends since then.

Lily xxxxxxxxxx

LaTeeDa

The very first site I found on the internet that really opened my eyes (before I even found SR) was Robert Burney's. I think maybe you might like it.

Abundant Spirituality + codependency recovery + inner child healing = Joy2MeU

You do deserve to be respected, loved, and most of all, happy. Do you have a therapist? Mine helped me tremendously with these things.

(((((((Lilyflower)))))))

L

FormerDoormat

Thank you for this thread, LTD. Every day when I log on to SR I am amazed at the widsom, strength, support, and hope that the men and women on this forum offer to one another. You all ROCK!

carolineb

Deal Breakers:

Lack of integrity (do what you say....and if you can't, then be honest)

Passive Aggressive

White Lies (absolutely NO patience for this).

Accumulating Grievances (and then spewing them at a convenient time)

The Disease of Shoulda (you should do this, you should be like this, etc.)

Here's my dealmaker:

I expect you to love me and like me and I will love and like you. I expect you to like and love yourself. I will respect you and you respect me....and although we both live independent lives....at the end of the day....we both know we are cherished.

karmakoma

Like many, my dealbreakers were once infidelity or physical abuse.In hindsight, I see just how short I was selling myself.

Lack of integrity seems to cover a lot of bases for me. Do the words and actions match? Is there congruency in thought, behaviour and words? Do they apply the "Golden Rule" in their life? Do we define integrity in similar ways?

FAOD, this applies to anyone I allow to move beyond acquaintance status in my life.

miss communicat

dealbreakers:

cheating
verbal abuse and verbal aggressiveness, directed towards me personally, towards others present or not, or towards objects in my presence
physical abuse and aggressiveness, directed towards me personally, towards others present or not, or towards objects in my presence
meanness
lack of self respect and self care, as shown in poor hygiene, crazy work hours, bad diet, lack of exercise, etc
dislike for and disrespect towards animals and/or children and/or parents and elders
vulgar language
drugs and alcohol use
smoker

cmc

Before I read all the great replies to this thread I was thinking on more basic terms that a few of you have mentioned already. I would sum up a dealbreaker for me as anything that reveals a continued lack of love, respect or willingess to change. I've been married a long time and we have both given each other some room to modify ourselves for the other's sake. There is something to be said about people working through their problems but at some point that only each person knows of, an issue becomes a dealbreaker.

FormerDoormat

Here's one nobody has mentioned yet:

Lies by omission. By that I mean failure to disclose information that has an impact on others (i.e., financial trouble, a previous marriage, past arrests, etc.).

NYC_Chick

This really gets me thinking. I used to think the only real deal breakers were lying, cheating, and abuse (physical or emotional). Now I have a longer list

Lying - by saying them and by omission (Thanks FD!)
Cheating
Abuse (physical or emotional)
Negative attitude
Anger issues
Depression - acceptable only if being worked on with therapy or prescribed meds
Self medicating
Making promises and breaking them when it suits them
Immature
Emotionally distant (or physical, but that was about the only issue we didn't have in my last relationship)
Needy or Clingy
Unable to establish healthy boundaries (like keeping parents out of our relationship)
Unambitious in the sense that they have no desire to learn or grow.

Gosh this is pretty long. I think it sparked me to look at what I didn't have in the last relationship.

Shivaya

Jeezz.......up until about 7 weeks ago, my only deal breakers were cheating and physical abuse.....WHAT?

Hello, what about: Emotional abuse, drug abuse, alcohol abuse, lying, negative attitude/vibes, feeling like the victim (everybody's out to get you!), meanness to anyone, lack of integrity, lack of spirituality.

If not for this site, I would still have just the 2 deal breakers....how scary is that?

Oh, and I forgot, no hairy backs! Just kidding! (not that I like hairy backs, but certainly is not a deal breaker)....

Shivaya