indeep

I understand that AA is the best way to stay sober for many people. I'm not debating this fact. My concern is that I have had three people in my life humiliated because the fact that they were in AA was exposed by others who didn't get that the second "A" stands for anonymous. Obviously, these were fellow members since they didn't tell anyone they were in recovery until they were outed. One of those outed was my roommate and whenever he was having a bad day or was tired his boss would make snide remarks about him falling off the wagon, which he never did but a lot of people who don't understand recovery think that AA is for drunks who continue to drink while going to meetings. The other two worked in restaurants in different states and whenever there was a liquor issue or money missing, they were the first ones questioned. If any of these people called in sick, alcohol abuse was hinted at by their superiors and co-workers. Basically, they were shunned for trying to get help for their illness. This made their recovery even more difficult for them. These people did not live anywhere near each other and yet all had the same problem with a lack of discretion from their fellow members.

I am terrified that I will encounter this same problem since 3 of the 5 people I knew in AA were outed by members. I live in a small town where my family owns a business and I absolutely cannot have my problem leaked into the community. This is a somewhat backwards area and people here don't think of alcoholism as a disease. They think it's a choice and that you are a no-good idiot for drinking too much. I thank those of you who suggested meetings to me, but you need to understand that I cannot take that risk for the sake of myself and my family's reputation. I have seen first hand what a leak can do to someone's life and progress and I just don't think that I can handle that along with trying to stay sober.

Anna

Hi,

I understand your concerns.

I'm not an AA person, but I have told only a couple of people about my problem with alcohol. There is a lot of prejudice against alcoholics, in my opinion. There is not enough education and enlightenment in society to understand that addiction is a disease. I think it's a personal decision as to whether you want to tell people in your life, or not. Personally, I can't think of anything that could be gained by telling your boss or co-workers. But, that's just me.

And, one of the reasons I come to SR every day, is because I can talk to people who understand. The main thing is to focus on your recovery.

mle-sober

I am glad you are getting sober. It's so hard no matter where you live and what your circumstances. It's really a miracle for me. I tried to get sober many, many times on my own. And alcohol kicked my ass again and again. The only way I was able to get sober (41 days) is by going to an intensive outpatient program, attending AA and getting a sponsor, and praying praying praying. What I experience when I go to an AA meeting is amazing to me. I go into this room with people who are essentially strangers (although we are becoming closer the more I am there and the more I listen and share) who, in very important ways, know things about me that my spouse and my best friend and my own parents don't know. They *understand* the disease and how it feels to be in its grip. I was scared to go at first - scared of revealing myself. I was also afraid I'd be bored. Or recognized. But the truth is, I was welcomed and given comfort in ways that I really couldn't have anticipated.

It's kind of like people who have kids telling you what it's like so you think you know. But then you have your own kids and it's nothing like what they said. It's unbelievable and unique to you. And you'd never trade it for the world.

What your story sounds like, to be honest, is gossip. I'm not trying to be mean here - just truthful. Maybe someone would leak to the rest of your small town that you are recovering from alcoholism. And maybe it would give you a bad reputation in your town because they don't understand. Maybe. But I will tell you this. I would never, not in a million years trade my sobriety in for a "maybe" that looked scary. Because the scariest thing for me is not all the "maybes" in the world but losing everything because I start drinking again. So I guess what I'm saying is it looks to me like you have to weigh the potential consequences of not being able to make or keep that radical transformation from active alcoholic to recovering alcoholic against the potential consequences of being "outted" as an alcoholic.

And BTW, maybe there is something to be said for holding your head high as a recovering alcoholic in a small town that doesn't get it. That's kind of heroic to me.

Mattcake

Hi indeep,

I agree 100% with Anna.

I share your concerns as well, that's one of the reasons I don't go to AA. But someone here gave me interesting advice (Aldo, was it you? I think so). The people you run into in your meeting are in the same boat as you are, they shouldn't even blink when someone they know walks in for the first time. Surely they should understand the need for the second A. Also, Scott put it into perspective for me: for some people, it all boils down to "go to a meeting or die".

In any case I, for one, have already located meetings that are a "safe distance" from my home, should I decide to go. For the time being, I find that this community is helping me out.

Matt

22NGONE

I can see your problem, or perceived problem, personally I've never cared for the A for Anonymous. When I decided I had a problem, I stood up in front of my whole church during the blessings announcements and said that my blessing was that there was a cancer in my family and it was me and thanks to God and my wife and AA I was sober for the first time in many years. I then went to work and told my entire office the same thing. I don't really care what people think of me, that is THEIR problem. I only care what I think of me and what God thinks of me. I wouldn't stay away from AA for fear of being "outed" anyone who holds your disease against you isn't a friend to begin with. Just my thoughts. John

indeep

mle, you're right, it is gossip and gossip can destroy many a thing. There are several people who are jealous of how far my stepfather has gotten in business and being in AA doesn't change their bitterness towards him. While they may understand the disease, there are those that may not be able to resist the temptation to gossip about my family. Look what happened to my friends. They were surrounded by people who understood the disease and yet couldn't resist outing them in spite of it. No one is perfect. It would be heroic to hold up my head in this town but as I said in my post, I don't know if I can handle the pressure of that coupled with staying sober. Stress is my trigger and I may be safer staying with SR for a while while I get up my nerve.

reed

I would not go to AA then if I were you.

CarolD

Yes...SR is a safe haven for exploring sobriety.
Glad you are sharing with us...

Just stay sober ...however you can.
If you find its impossible
you can then find other options.

Blessings

bugsworth

indeep, I agree with Carol...stay sober how ever you can.

aa is a gossip mill...nature of the beast I guess.

My best advice would be if you need aa as part of your plan to stay sober, take a road trip out of town!

Best of Luck!

CarolD

I just read your earlier post
and I saw blackouts mentioned.

They are explained on post #17
please click on this link

http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...influence.html

BTW...the information from this book
"Under The Influence" convinced me to finally quit.

It also has a sequel .."Beyond The Influence"

I strongly suggest you read either or both.
The link has just excerpts.

mle-sober

I'm sorry that the AA group in your town is like that. I live in a large metro area with lots of choices and each group I've gone to has been wonderful and I never got the sense that there was gossip happening. So I guess I'm saying I haven't walked a mile in your shoes yet... I do find that I supplement my AA mtgs with SR and then also I have, like I said, an IOP. I'm also reading a wonderful book that also has a workbook to help you process all the info. It's called "A Place Called Self: Women, Sobriety, and Radical Transformation" by Stephanie Brown. I don't know if you're female ..... if so, this book is really good. Good luck to you however you do it.

Growing

I am not a recovering alcoholic or addict...but I have witnessed...on the sidelines...my moms experience with AA she has been sober 12 yrs thank God. She is a regular AA'er.

So, in my uneducated, inexperienced opinion: You can be "outed" by family members and friends...you can be "outed" at any time...this is a general character defect in the human condition...people gossip and "out" eachother...your not protecting yourself by *not* going to AA because this could happen to you at any time, such is the nature of humans.

I remember my mom being embarassed of AA in the beginning...but now everyone knows...she tells people she meets after seeing them a few times...she is proud of her connection to AA...it all came in time.

That being said, I don't recommend you go to AA either...you shouldn't go unless you want to...I learned in 12 step groups that we come to the doors of 12 step groups because we found that our lives had become "unmanageable". I know that is how it was for me.

As a side note, whatever "negatives" I experience in meetings are far out-weighed by the positives, the support and the comfort, the friends I make, what I learn, the wisdom, the experience, strength and hope, ect.

I have found recovery to be a beautifully individual thing...I have come to know so many SR members who I count as mentors who have recovered in many different ways...12 step groups are just what worked for me.

sugErspun

How far away is the next closest town? Let say it's an hour drive to a meeting where no one knows you or your family.

Is your sobriety (if you are gonna get sober in AA - worked for me), worth an hour drive?

I have been in AA for seven years - never once has anything from a meeting got out into the general population...

People tell me they much prefer that I don't drink anymore, if someone thinks I am weak willed or whatever because I am a member of AA, it's not really my concern.

I stopped basing how I feel about myself on what others thought of me a long time ago.

warrens

Indeep

For a couple of weeks I've been mulling a post in my head. Your dilemma is one aspect of that post. I was going to title it "The unique aspect of the rural (American) recovering alcoholic."

I say American only because it is the only experience I have.

I don't know hat it is about rural life, but Schadenfreude seems to be all too common. Without consulting a dictionary, Schadenfreude means taking some solace or delight in another's misfortune. As many are now taking in eliot Spitzer's fall, for example. For whatever reason, nothing seems more valuable in a small town than to be the only holder of a piece of gossip. What currency! Everyone will say "I heard it from _______" Oh, to be famous in a small town!

Another aspect of this "law of rural gossip" is that the more prominent the victim, the more valuable the bit of gossip becomes. Thus the reason why millions of police scanners are sold yearly.

I agree with others who say "hold your head high and f'em!" Not always possible for the alcoholic doctor or alcoholic minister. I suppose the more we are able to do that, the more we will change the culture's awareness. Look what gay pride has accompllished in a couple of decades.

I hope you will treat your disease first and your insecurities second. It is what I have had to do. As far as I know, the penalty for being "outed" isn't death.

warrens

mle-sober

I like that. I'm going to try to hold on to that one for myself. It might even make it to the bulletin board!

mike_mass

like others said, go to meetings out of town.

Pinkcuda

Were they truly "Humiliated"? We must keep personal anonymity at a level of press radio and films. CoWorkers opinions are meaningless. I personally keep my book on my desk. If anyone was to ask, I explain it to them. If they offer any snide comments I explain that the program teaches me to smile in the company of *********.

FightingIrish

The first person I asked for help was my boss. I got it, but I also realize that I am perhaps fortunate in this regard. Those who need to know know, and those who don't I do not tell, but I'm under no illusions that accident or human frailty will never lead to some people knowing whom I feel don't need to know. You know?

The other night I ran into a woman from my job (not in the program) when I was setting up for an AA meeting at the same church she attends. This was a week night, so I was not expecting to bump into her, but OH WELL. I do believe she was far more embarrassed than I.

I did read that anonymity applied mainly to public media (radio, television, press). I also read in AA history how Dr. Bob felt that maintaining anonymity among peers in the program was detrimental to recovery, or something like that. Personally I respect whatever one wishes to do below the level of RT&P.

I also noticed that certain people in the groups I attend give their full names when they introduce themselves at meetings. I do not do this, but I have no strong feeling about it either way.

-M

Jersey Nonny

I've been sober for 28 years, and I credit AA for playing a big part in my sobriety. I can understand your concerns, but I also agree with others here...sobriety has to come first, and people will find someone to talk about (in or out of AA). Personally, I've never had any of the experiences you describe, nor have I known of anyone else who has...but, I don't doubt it does happen. Please don't hold all of Alcoholics Anonymous responsible for the ignorance of a few nincompoops who, although perhaps not drinking, have no conception of the true meaning of "recovery".

nogard

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