Denoraphy

AH went through my personal belongings again. I have talked to him in the past about my boundaries and that he needed to respect them. He thinks just because he suspects that I am up to something that he wouldn't approve of it is his right to invade my privacy.

Has anyone else had to deal with this? What did you do?

I just don't know what to do.........

Barbara52

Only you can decide what you are willing to do about him not respecting you.

really_fed_up

Sounds like my mom. She read my diaries when I was a teenager....and went through my other belongings like my purse. Made me so angry. But I agree with Barbara52--only you can decide what you are willing to do about him not respecting you. Boundaries are tough, but they have to have consequences. What are the consequences here?

:ghug3

denny57

I can't make a boundary that "you must respect me." I can make a boundary where I decide internally that if someone goes through my personal belongings I ask them to leave or leave myself. Boundaries are not to control others, they are to allow me to live a serene life.

Good luck.

Kindeyes

Exactly. Well stated.

Sophia57

I've often wondered about this business of your husband or partner and your own privacy.

Apart at all from As and their behaviour - because you're in a relationship with someone does that give them the right to look in your handbag, your bedside locker or anywhere you might have private stuff? In fact, because you're with them, do you automatically surrender all rights to privacy? And do they do likewise - are you 'allowed' to go thru their stuff?

I've argued this point with my husband - I think I'm still entitled to my privacy and I dont agree that he has the right to know everything about me, if I dont want to.
Sorry to hijack the thread, am I being naive?

Barbara52

Personally, I don't think so. I never even opened mail addressed to my AH. I didn't open mail addressed to my children once they were past a certain age.

To me being in a relationship does not mean giving up one's privacy. A relatioship should be open and honest but that does not require giving up privacy.

denny57

I absolutely respected AH's privacy for 17-1/2 years. I don't know if he respected mine, but seemed to when we were in each other's presence.

At the end of the marriage I read his emails and finally his journals that he had left behind. Reading the emails was helpful because it helped me realize just how low I was sinking in my life with alcoholism - doing something so against my own principles. The journals were most helpful in reading him write about his fear of killing me in an alcoholic blackout/rage.

karmakoma

If a boundary doesn't have a consequence, then it is not a boundary, it is a rule or a demand. And rules and demands are about control in my world and control is something that wore me out too much and created far too much stress in my life.

For me, there is a difference between privacy and secrecy. I can't quite put my thoughts into words at this point, so I shall have a think and come back on that one.

Wascally Wabbit

I have gone through this. What I learned from it is, if I set a boundary line and someone crosses it, there are going to be consequences. I follow through with the consequences too. I simply will not tolerate being walked all over and ignored any more.

Barbara52

Yes, I too see a difference. For me secrecy included a necessity to keep something hidden. Most times I thing of the word secrecy as having negative connotations but there can be legit reasons for wanting secrecy about something. Especially in a relationship with an A. I certainly kept my plans and steps toward moving out a secret from AH. I did it deliberately to save myself from the drama that would have ensued if I had announced ahead of time that I was leaving.

hadenoughnow

My AH always respected my privacy (and I his) until I served him with divorce papers, then he started going through my things and mail, answering my phone etc. He wanted desperately to believe that I was cheating on him and that was the "real" reason I wanted him out.

I know many women who think there should be NO privacy in marriage. They flip if their husband looks at porn or has female friends. I have a male friend whose wife demanded full access to his computer, his email, his cell phone etc. right after they married because "married people don't have ANY secrets". My advice to him was that everyone is entitled to privacy, to talk to or email their friends and as crappy as my marriage was my AH never went through my phone or email or purse.