lostnow

I found this site two weeks ago after dropping my AH off at rehabe I just now got the corage to post.
My life Has finely unraveled. I have been married to a addict for the past 14 yrs His main drug of choice has been pot he was always smoking although he started doing speed,crack or coke not sure which one but every week were before it was once or twice a month if that he would go years without ever touching it of course he has never quit pot. He can't hide it "meth" I know when he's on it and I have always got pissed but it was so sporadic it never seemed like a huge problem until recently. I mean he would stop when I got upset
He's always held a job helped out some what at home, life was rocky but I never felt threated or like I should get a divorce.
Then things got out of control even the drinking became all the time and he would get belligerent all the time breaking things cussing me. He had a good job but with meth users and more time off better pay he was using every week leaving the house thrashed when I was working. I got mad bitched alot and for two month it was a constant battle.
Then he quits the job and the fighting gets worse he ends up leaving with out calling or anything for almost 2 weeks. He was out getting messed up bad and just comes home one night I said its over,t he comes back after breaking all my things and says he needs help.
He said he needs a program inpatient he spends one week looking and before going to a six month program gos out all night to get high. Fast forward he's kicked out of rehab after one week for fighting. So I say leave he dose half way across the country back to his family. He still says he wants to and is sober but now he only wants to go to meetings and get a job out their.
Sorry this is so long I am lost not sure to stay or go. I mean I think because he said he needs inpatient treatment thats what he should do. I don't want to say come home a go through this ever again. I'm not even sure I can let go of what he did to me let alone my kids. I want to go to counseling because I have so many emotions and need help with it but I'm to shy to call the stinking number.

ANGELINA243

Welcome--glad you are here. I am a recovering alcoholic/meth addict. You will find lots of support here. Hang around awhile. Keep posting. :ghug3

CarolD

Welcome.....big hugs to you and your kids.

For now...just try to relax as he is away from you.
What he will or won't do is up to him.

Blessings

sweetpea40

Hi and Welcome...I am so sure this is really hard on you...Sounds like your husband has many issues that he needs to sort out...During which time you take care of your kids and yourself....I will be praying for your family sweetie,
God Bless,:praying
Machele

chloe78

Hi and welcome to SR!! there is much support, love and hope here. I will keep you in my prayers.

lostnow

thanks everyone it's late or early rather he called. he was suppose to call on the weekend he made it one day without calling knowing I have to be at work and that its the middle of the night here. he said he wants to come home tomorrow I'm not ready for that. now he said he'll go to meetings and get a job here just like I said but thats not really all I sad.
I said he should have done that long ago it's a little late now.
I just feel guilty like I should want to support him and see if he changes but I don't want to. He won't let me breath

peaceteach

Dear Lost,
I know that feeling. I used to think my ex (alcoholic) husband "filled up the room" and there was no room for me. All your focus has been on him and his problem for so long, you tend to forget that you have needs too. It's hard to be the strong one 24/7 when there are supposed to be two adults in the house supporting each other. I think you have every right to insist that he enters treatment rather than come home--if that is even an option at this point. Stay strong, just think in terms of one day at a time, and try to make a plan that is based on you today and your needs, not his. It's such a novel concept, I know, to actually think about just focusing on yourself. Read up on the stickies above this forum. They are filled with good advice and tremendous knowledge. It's a wonderful thing that you found yourself here. I've learned so much about how I allowed things to happen in my home, but also how I don't have to let it be that way anymore.

lostnow

He wants to come home and me to help him find treatment together here. I don't know he says he has been sober the last two weeks and never wants to go back to that. He will give me time to think but keeps asking if I will leave him. I'm just so lost part of me wants to believe this will work he wants to change he has never said that before, then again I'm so hurt I'm not sure I could take the pain of going through this again.

Bean

Been there, who am I kidding I am still there!!
You have to make a choice for you and you alone. He is the only one responsible for him. I've been down the road of "crackhell" for nearly 12 years. I always believed he was different, it was going to get better. Not to say noone gets better I'm just saying you need to prepare yourself that this is far far from over. You will be hurt and decieved again most likely. Are you ready and willing to go through it all over again???
I know the reality of it and the "heart". I struggle with this everyday. I'm working on me getting better, for myself and for my children. My CAH will have to make himeslf better-I cannot fix him, I cannot change him!!!!!!

Take Care, this place has been a Godsend.

blaze2172001

I have been there and am still fighing my way out! All I can say is right now, you need to focus on you and on your babies. Let him worry about himself. If you are destined to be together, in the end it will happen. Let go and leave it to your HP. Good luck!

8

peaceteach

He's not alone where he is, lostnow. He has people to lean on if he can't see how to do it himself. You are in kind of a "great" position at the moment, if you can look at it from an outsider's perspective for a more positive light. The ADDICT is out of your house, the drama is gone, and you have the choice of keeping your house that way. Many are wanting their addict to be gone but can't figure out how to do it. Your HP is supporting you VERY STRONGLY right now to give you this opportunity. HAVE YOU READ ENOUGH HERE YET? Do you see yourself and your AH in every story yet? This can stop today, and you can step up and find your strength in this time. Your AH can prove his desire to quit by SHOWING you his actions. HIS actions. You can teach yourself the new way you want to act in the meantime. This could be a deciding day in for your future and that of your children. I wish you could see it from my perspective. It seems so clear to me. Pull yourself out of the anguish for a minute and make an adult decision, one that is the right one that you feel in your gut.

It's really scary to say to yourself--Today is THE day. Think about taking the jump?

lostnow

Everyone around him says he should stay there go to a outpatient meetings and work, he is not close to his family always been the outcast. I guess that's why I feel so much guilt about not supporting him but I told him he never has supported me ever. I keep making list of what he's done and it's allot of crap through out are entire relationship. I'm pretty sure he won't leave me alone and wants answers right now because he knows I 'm coming to my senses and may leave him. I know I should just say get your own help there then work on us like I've been saying but it's so damn hard. I mean how to you let go with out ever trying to help someone?

Bean

In 14yrs. I'm sure you have tried. You cannot help someone who does not help themselves!

lostnow

your right I have but as far as recovery I have not he says he needs ,wants help he just doesn't know were to get it. He said the place he picked was crap and wants me to choose the next one with him.

Bean

I'm not saying it is your case. But in mine my AH, always claimed he wanted help, needed it although it never came about. It's funny now that I am serious about helping "me" I can find places like this, numerous meetings, a TON of information. You know why I can, because "I" want it!!! Just something to think about.

lostnow

That's whats killing me he has never said he needs or wants help it's always been you met me like this you can't change me. He has said numerous times I won't do meth any more and would stop for long periods of times but as for pot or drinking never has he said he will or even needs to stop. I know what I need to do but god it's hard

Impurrfect

(((Lost)))

I know it's hard on you, but I promise you....he can find the help he needs all by himself. If he finds something, and doesn't like it, he can find somewhere else. And not only CAN he do it, if he does it on his own, he will feel much better about himself. If you help him find somewhere, then if he doesn't like it, he will most likely blame you.

Do whatever you feel is right, in your gut. Just be aware that he may be using this as a manipulation to keep you involved. If he is, it may not be intentional, but it is still a way to keep you "hooked".

Hugs and prayers!

Amy

duet_4-8

I know this is hard because believe me, I have been where you are. You cannot take responsibility for his recovery. If you do, if you find another rehab for him, then it will be your fault when this one doesn't work out.

It stinks, but the only way to help them is not to help them. It is very hard to turn the focus around to ourselves when we have grown so accustomed to worrying about our addict. But it is simply the only way to stop the insanity.

He is a grown man, he got himself into this mess, and the only person who can get him out of it, is him.

:codiepolice

Chino

He probably wants answers right now because he's an addict and instant gratification is the name of the game. Doesn't matter if he hasn't used in two weeks or two months. Any delayed response to his fear and stress will freak him out. Rehab will teach him how to deal with it.

lostnow

Well he call just like he said he would and I stuck with what I have said from the beginning he needs to find his own treatment then we will work on us.
Well it was the shorts conversation we've ever head he just hung up on me:wtf2
So I'm not sure whats next but I'm so glad I stuck with it because it's so obvious he is still only thinking of himself and it cannot just be about him. I have to take care of me so theirs someone to take care of are kids. I undrestand he needs his own help and he needs to find it own his own.

As for me I was looking into counselors not sure what kind I need but I don't think meeting are for me I'm just to shy for that. Thank you all for responding it helps to hear other perspectives on it