paypa

I have written down on index cards my boundaries which I plan on communicating to my partner. They are I will not be around you while you are drinking and I will not talk with you have you have been drinking.

She came to our dance class smelling like alcohol and visibly impaired.

Are these boundaries unreasonable? Since my issues with drinking are with her does that mean I can't hang out with friends who drink? I rarely drink if even at all.

Kind Words are appreciated!

Mair

Hi Paypa glad your setting your bounderies, its a good start, but beleive me it's a long tiering journey. What improvements do you expect in your life by setting these bounderies? Please dont be disappointed when she carries on drinking cos she probably will. these bounderies are for you, so how can they be unreasonable it's what you want yeh?.

enjoy yourself with your friends they are not the problem. Get your life back, your worth it.

Mair xx

Shivaya

Paypa, I know there are some really knowledgeable people on this site, and I'm sure they will read your post and reply with great advice.

For now, I'll share with you what I've learned about boundaries thus far:

I set my boundaries according to what type of behaviors/actions are unacceptable to me. I have changed my boundaries b/c I felt one was unreasonable (on a day when I was feeling particularly strong and stubborn, I said that if my AH took one more drink, I would file for legal separation). Not realistic for me at this time.

So...I changed it to I do not want to be around him while he is drinking (not even 1 drink) and I don't want my children to see him drinking any more.

Also, if he drinks to the point of passing out/blacking out, I will file for legal separation. This is non-negotiable for me.

My husband will continue to drink until/if/when he decides he wants to quit. I'm not ready to leave the marriage, so I've established boundaries so that I don't go crazy while I'm living with someone who does something that makes my blood boil!

I have a question for you. Did you set your boundaries after the dance class, or before? And...if she does show up to dance class under the influence again, what will you do? (I'm only asking you these questions b/c I know the more experienced people on here might ask you these same questions, and maybe more).

Hope this helps.

Shivaya

Barbara52

Great start on your boundaries. Now hte other part. What are you going to do if you boundaries are violated?

And your friends drinking has nothing to do with the situation with your partner.

paypa

If she does the above, I will remove myself from her presence. If she comes to dance class visibly impaired, I will leave. After 5 years, we don't live together any more. I see now that we don't live together that I was a true Codie. My time with her was doing her stuff not spending quality time together. It was always helping her family, doing house work, taking the kids here and there, hanging out with her at her job. Not true relationship time. I thought by helping her, as I look back, that I was being with her.

I didn't set the limits before the dance class but that was really the straw. She has come over to my house visibly drunk and smelling. Goes into my Uncles bathroom to freshen up with toothpaste before she talks to him. I'm just tired. The limited time I do have with her continues to be taken up by her bad behavior and I'm ready for detachment. I can't control her but I can control me. I like her company when she is healthy!

LaTeeDa

These two statements seem to contradict each other. Maybe it would be more honest to say you liked her company when she was healthy? Or maybe you enjoy the company of healthy people, but she is not healthy at this time?

I found my confusion cleared and my choices became more clear when I started getting totally honest with myself.

It sounds like you are starting to get there, too. Best wishes.

L