carolineb

......to get boyfriend, girlfriend, husband, wife, loved one....

out of your head 24/7??

Broke up with abf in November. Last contact made was in February when I told him I realized he was an alcoholic and wanted him to stop contacting me. No contact since. Won't accept any contact either. No issues. Have forgiven him in my head for the tornado that he was....

but, damn.....how long before I stop thinking about him and missing him so much? He was my best friend and it's such a void. I know everyone heals in their own time....I just am curious how long it took most before it got easier.

P.S. Don't tell me I need to go to alanon. This is more of a breakup issue than an alcoholic one. Correct me if I'm wrong.

Barbara52

For me it was a matter of a couple of weeks at most. Once the peace settled in and I realized that I absolutely had made the right decision to leave my AH, the obessing about what he might be doing. thinking, feeling, etc. stopped to a large degree. I knew in my gut that it was over, that I was better off without him and I jsut didn't think about him all the time anymore. Now that doesn't mean I stopped caring or that I didn't have an occassional relapse. But the overall obsession did stop.

Angelus

It requires time, but time that is filled. Filled to the brim with healthy distractions. When I'm idle I often lapse back to sadness, because there is a tendency even with unhealthy relationships to filter out the bad and get sentimental. Don't! Stay busy

atalose

You broke up in November but said the last contact was in February. Were you in contact with him those 3 months regularly?

Load Warrior

The worst one I ever had lasted about 3 months before I really considered myself 'over it'. At first I was debilitated from sorrow but it slowly got better... I would take up a new hobby or something. anything to distract yourself.

FormerDoormat

Adjusting to a major life change takes time. I think about my boyfriend from time to time. Less these days than I did, say, a year ago.

P.S. When I ask a question followed by a comment on how people should respond, I'm trying to control how others behave. And we all know how fruitful that is. So, because I don't like to be told how to respond, I feel compelled to ask this:

Do you go to Alanon?

wooforever

I would say I do not think you ever get over loss. It will take time. I can go months without thinking of the X. Then I will do something and it reminds me of him ecspecial around the time of his younger brothers death.

You can not judge by anyone elses time to get over a break up. Just keep doing what you are doing and do not dewell on it.

best

It starts getting easier the moment we let a toxic relationship go.
When walking through hell..Don't stop, keep going till you get out the other side.
There is a grief much like a death of a friend that comes at the end of a relationship. Each one of us will work through that grief in our own way.

Mskattie

No contact for over 3 weeks, and I still think of him A LOT. But, it is getting easier, some days are just harder than others. The end of relationship(and dreams) is always hard... I am still grieving.

hbb

This is EXACTLY correct. J and i broke up in early July, no contact since the day he walked out the door. Only in the past month have i really and truly come to grips with how toxic our relationship was.

Don't get me wrong, thoughts come and go that he would see the light and realize we should be together but now I'm a new/different person. It takes time and since you had contact in February I would say that's not a long time to be over things at all. Even November for that matter. Everyone is different and heals differently. I have friends that have walked away and NEVER have looked back....I'm not that kind of person.

Keep doing what your doing, there IS light at the end of the tunnel, just have to trudge through the muck along the way

carolineb

The contact was occasional because we did the whole breakup dance AND this is the time it took to finally dawn on me that he was alcoholic. Up until that time, I couldn't figure out for the life of me why I couldn't please this man.

Anywho....I'm not trying to control responses by saying 'don't suggest alanon'...and I apologize for seeming defensive. Just not the route for me.

I know the bottom line answer is time. Keeping busy and the passage of time. I'm good on the keeping busy part....and time will just keep passing.

I have started to recognize that the thoughts of him creeping in or things that cause me to think of him....are all normal and will keep getting lessened with time.

Keep on keeping on!! Thanks all.:atv

Pick-a-name

Still working on it...............

aztchr

one day at a time

justjo

I am nearly 50 and I still remember my first love at the age of 6 in grade 2 LOL
I met my ex at 17 and we were married for 17 years and I only thought of him yesterday because he turned 50, he is also the father of my 3 boys. I think there are many things in our life that we never forget, good, bad and ugly. One thing I know though as time goes on, I make better choices that my life needs, not anyone elses.
It was only November, so dont beat yourself up. As your life moves forward and you start filling it with more happiness, he will become a memory too, not forgotten. Time is different for everyone and more importantly though, how much time do you want to spend on missing him?
I still love the addicts in my family too. I dont see them as much as I want to but I am dealing with the fact I cant control that. The memory of what was is dear to me and I am still trying to keep today happy for me and them too.
I wish you the best.

atalose

You can’t morn the death if you are still dancing with the corps. All those months of occasional contact kept you from truly ending this relationship. So all the emotions you are feeling today were kept at bay in many ways because you were still in contact with him.

Everything you are feeling is normal with endings and yes time is what it’s going to take for you to heal from this relationship.

I wasn’t going to suggest al-anon but maybe look into codependency and codependent behavior.

Janitw

I...too...still think about my XAH . Almost daily.

chrisea

which one? the last xbfd, that changed my outlook for a long time (been over 3 yrs now, since he left ). it didn't take long.

The guy who was my best friend/lover, that I knew over 10 yrs ago... I think about him almost every day. Just aren't enough of this kind of guy to go around...

I take nothing for granted. I now have only good days or great days.

carolineb

Really good men......I mean REALLY good men are NOT easy to find. So many are boys.

I love the good days or great days. Perfect. Thanks.

cagefree

nice

Here's how I got my ex out of my head:

I didn't wake up one day and realize I didn't think about him anymore. I was addicted to my ex. I had to turn my attention to me - as a codependent, I had no clue how to do that as everything in my life revolved around the wants and needs of others. My therapist, Al-anon, journaling and books by Melodie Beatty along with taking care of myself left me with no time to think of what was going on with him. I only thought about him on rare occasions, anniversaries and holidays after about 10 months of no contact. Then my dog/friend of 12 years died and XABF just slipped out of my mind completely - I realized where I wanted my thoughts to be and through hard work on myself made that happen - even if it meant acknowledging things about myself that I didn't want to admit...that I was a codependent.

I agree, it's not an alcoholic thing - it's a break-up thing. For me, how I handled break-ups was the same, regardless of whether or not then guy was an Alcoholic. But how I handled and neglected myself was something I could no longer ignore. Healing myself was the first step to ending my obsessive thoughts of my ex.

Hugs to you ((Caroline))

Pajarito

I love this. I've been separated from my AH for almost 7 months. It still feels raw sometimes. Everyone is different- I have no expectations of myself- just to feel my feelings and get through them. The reason this quote jumped out at me is because I remember our counselor saying to me that now I should find out who Paj is. I laughed- of course I know who I am. 6 months later I feel differently about it. I am learning every day who I am and thinking about what I want- for the first time in years. I never realized how narrow my life was with my AH. On good days I get a tiny bit excited about the prospect of living MY life. It's the loss of the dream I had that still has its claws in me- but I am slowly prying myself out of its grip on my life and trying to live every day with the goal of healing myself- finding out who I am, what I want and where I want to go- without my AH. (((Take care)))