hezzie

I have spent the last 2 weeks dreading tonight. I usually work day shift, when the kids are in school and they don't have to deal too long with my AH.
Yeah, that's bad enough, I know.

But tonight, I have to work a night shift-I will never agree to it again. My kids will be home for 12 hours all night with my AH. I shutter to think about it. I am sick with worry. He is already mad at me because of my anxiety, I view this as his attempt to "justify" his drinking that will occur later.

It has been 3 days since his last drink. He usually drinks a couple of times a week, so the timing is perfect. My DD is 14 and not his, and I particuarly worry for her. My middle son is 10 and he resents his dad because of all the empty promises not to drink.

Have you ever just known it is right around the corner, that your alcoholic is just waiting for the opportunity to drink? I am thinking about trying the limit setting. EX: If you drink tonight, I will look for an apartment for me and the kids. What have you done?

Barbara52

Don't say it unless you mean it.

My AH never stopped so I have no experience with someone who quits and starts. But I would trust your experience on this. The question of course is what you are willing to do about it. Figure out what your boundaries are as to what you are willing to live with and what you are going to do if those boundaries are violated. DO not set the boundaries as an attempt to influence or change his behavior though.

denny57

Yes, I remember those anxious times. Eventually, he drank every day, so I didn't have to wait long.

lovtolaff

Yep mine does it after we have a big arguement. I can tell by watching him that it's "coming".

Sometimes I just shake my head at myself and think "what the he!! am I doing in this relationship?"

And I have to STRONGLY agree with the above statement. If you don't follow thru - they just take you LESS serious the next time.

FormerDoormat

Relief from this kind of anxiety is yours for the taking. Here's what I'd prescribe to alleviate your pain:

Tell him to take a hike, then call me in the morning.

Barbara52

AWEDA

I said it many times before I followed through.....After you cannot take the pain,yours and your children's anymore you will say enough.

WantsOut

A few times my ex went as long as several months, but a couple times a year he had to travel for work. When this happened, and he was out of my "control" (or my illusion of control, as I know now), he would tie one on and blow his sobriety.

I always knew this was going to happen and before he left I'd get myself worked up. "You're not going to drink while you're at the conference, are you? You promised."

While he was gone I'd pace and worry, call, wring my hands, toss and turn.

These days I don't worry about anyone but myself. It's a huge relief.

really_fed_up

Boundaries are tough, but what I'm learning is that the only way they will work is if you stick with them and try to put the guilt aside of doing what's best for yourself. Do you really want to have this unneeded anxiety on top of everything else?

hezzie

Well, we made it through my night shift.

I left at 6pm, my AH promised to go to an AA meeting at 8pm. He tried to get out of it, but my boys (9&10) told him they wanted him to go. So he did go and the boys sat out in the van and watched a movie.

After the AA meeting, my AH admited that he still wanted to drink and even got my bike out-he was considering riding it to pick up his beer so the kids wouldn't know that he left the house (if he took the van out of the garage).

At 9:30pm he called my cell phone, I am an RN and can't answer my phone always, and left a VM admiting that he wanted to drink and had been planning it. He said that he overcame the disire by praying and talking to some of the people who "sponser" him. At midnight he sounded fine, and when I came home the next morning everything seemed OK.

I am relieved. I don't trust him totally, it will take time for that to come back, and of course I doubt everything he told me about that night-but it seemed fine. I believe him as much as it is possible for me to at this time in our relationship-if that makes sense.

Thank you all for your support. I know many of you are familar with the anxiety that I described. ~Heather

abcdefg

Hi, Heather.

I do know that feeling. I'm glad you made it through the night.

It does sound like your AH is in the grip of the progressing disease and has not hit his bottom. One thing I've learned is that only other alcoholics can help an alcoholic. I'm the last person who can help my alcoholic loved ones. Right message, wrong person.

All I can do, the BEST thing I can do, is get recovery for myself. I work the 12 steps in Al-anon. That process has saved my life. My situation was very dire when I went to my first meeting more than four years ago. I was absolutely going to die if I didn't get the proper intervention for MYSELF. Al-anon was the cornerstone and allowed me to get well enough to seek the other types of help I needed to stay alive.

They also have Alateen and pre-teen for kids.

One day at a time. That's all you have in front of you and the only thing you can truly address.