AboutMySerenity

So, one week after the last relapse, he did it again.
I am so tired of the uncertainty that I just called the locksmith and had the locks changed.

I feel unsure about having done it but I am tired.

I went through hell because of his crack addiction for a year where I was the perfect co-dependent enabler. He stole everything from the house, I had to declare bankruptcy and we got divorced. After one year of separation he hit rock bottom and got clean. So I gave him a chance, but short after 6 months clean, he relapsed last week. I allowed him back with the condition that he had the desire to stay clean and that we would not steal or be violent. He did good for a week and today he went missing again. I cannot tell for sure if he used but I cannot live in the anguish any more. I am pregnant and after I posted here last week I really think I should not be putting my unborn baby thru any of this stress.

My husband and I had an argument this morning because he got his public assistance money and asked if he was going to buy a phone to replace the one that he sold last week to go smoke crack. He said he would, so then I said that I also needed money to put the service back. He went crazy because he said that I know that he does not have that much money and that he cannot give me monay. So of course when I told him that I had also disconnected the cable to save money for my maternity leave he argued more and more. He said he was not coming home if there was not cable and if I did not connect his phone back. I said fine don't come home. So he did not come. Am I wrong to assume that he relapsed again??? May be he is just upset and did not use???
Then I think, it does not matter, his whole attitude is not helpful to me or the baby.
So all in all I think I have done the right thing and I know that now I need to stick by it and stick by it no matter what.

Any more advice is appreciated.

jazpoppy

Its not just about your serenity, its about you and your baby's health and well-being. Also about your sanity! You need to get through your pregnancy with little stress as possible. I know this. I was so stressed when my husband got fired from a good job landscaping while I was 7 mos pregnant because he rode a shopping cart accross the mall parking lot and fell over, contracted a blood infection and could not work for a week, so they fired him. He layzed around for the rest of my pregnancy, I was a wreck about money! I was still working and struggling because I was so tired and I was forced to go on maternity leave 2 weeks before my son was born. I made my hubby go out and get a job or else! He did find one that started a week after our baby was born. I got lots of help from the community, friends and family to carry us through, but I was so embarrased, I made good money, but could not support 3 people on my salary. So he did get a good job, but he partied it up for 3 months after he was fired, and I was so angry, I ripped up all of his Popular Science magazines (he collected them and I didn't care at the time, my hormones were on a rampage). He go to concerts that were 3 to 4 hours away. Good thing I had my mom on standbye. Well he didn't miss me going into labor, and things got better, but he was not physically addicted to any drugs, so I can imagine its much worse for you! You need to give him an ultimatum. Its either you and the baby, or his crack and nothing else, keep him locked out if he chooses the crack, even for a few days and comes crawling back, it won't get better, until he admitts he has a problem AND is willing to seek help for it, not only for himself but for his lovely wife and growing family!!! Good luck to you! Keep the doors locked and meet him in public to talk. Find out how much he really loves you and his/your unborn child. He should be willing to get help, I believe no matter how hard the addiction, a really loving man/woman would see the damage they are doing to their family and they will choose sobriety, but unfortunatly that doesn't always happen. So prepare for both the good and prepare for the worst. God bless you, its all about you and the baby right now, so do what's best for yours and baby's health, even if you cannot deal with talking to him until after the baby is born, just to keep the stress levels down, babies can feel their mother's stress in vitro. I am praying for you AboutMySerenity. Keep us posted.

Love

Jaz

steve11694

Reminds me of a high school friends story. After many years of not seeing him we met. he said he is a recovered alcoholic. in desperation seeking an answer to help my own current aw i asked him what made him stop drinking. he said, his parents cured him,, oh yeah, how did they do that A; they changed the locks on the house doors

FormerDoormat

You've done the right thing. I'll pray for you to have the strength to end things permanently this time.

Kindeyes

Gentle hugs to you and your unborn child.

You've been to he!! and back with this man. Do you really want your child to deal with that as he/she grows up? I hope and pray that you will make healthy decisions for yourself and the tiny baby in your tummy.

Load Warrior

Uh... I haven't had cable in 6 years.

Let me get this straight... you're having his baby and he will not come home because there's no cable. I don't care what he's on or not on. Dump him for being a jerk (to put it mildly).

hello-kitty

Unfortunately, he will probably try to come home as soon as he runs out of ways to get more crack and alcohol. My ex did this to me many many times when I was pregnant. Make a plan for when he comes back because he will. He is an addict and becoming a father is not going to change that. Thefore things need to change for you.

It's not good for the baby for you to get stressed. I used to hate hearing that but it's true. He is going to do what he is going to do so take care of yourself. The nice thing about being pregnant (at least for me) was the sense that I had a higher purpose and someone more important to take care of than his father.

As far as changing the locks. I am embarassed to say that I probably changed them about 12 times. I finally learned how to do it on my own because it was getting expensive to call a lock smith.

Make a plan for when he comes back and tries to get in. I suggest calling the police and reporting that he is on drugs and you are worried he might get violent with you. My ex punched me in the eye when I was 8 mos pregnant. He had disappeared for 3 days and got angry with me when he came back because I yelled at him. People get crazy at the end of a binge. They do things they normally wouldn't do. Protect yourself. It is good to be scared of him. It is good to call the cops if he threatens you when you are pregnant.